Guide to second chances.

[riobikini]

Alpha...

 

RE:

"hey CG!!! Can you write me a guide to getting laid by gorgeous female models between the ages of 21 to 25 without spending any money? "

 

The guide, itself, would be worth a fortune...but without spending a dime, and using your vivid imagination, -you could just close your eyes and tell yourself they were gorgeous and 21.

 

(Smile)

 

-Rio

[Ukwizard]

Attention Caliguy!

 

I found this link to another forum

 

http://www.enotalone.com/forum/showthread.php?t=134197

 

Please tell me what you think. This person was in contact with his ex and he approached his situation without pleading or begging but being himself.

 

He is winning her back and I love the line "I'm just being patient and understanding and at the same time keeping my emotions in check!"

 

What do you think? Sorry but i m begginning to think no contact doesnt allow you to heal. I like being a colleague or a distant friend. If you dont contact them they they will no doubt wont as hell bother contacting you.

 

Catch 22.

 

Sometimes you just have to let your pride you and talk to the other half as a human being and not play games of no contact. Isnt that whats kids do. "I m not talking to you!"

[oss91]

Sorry but i m begginning to think no contact doesnt allow you to heal. I like being a colleague or a distant friend. If you dont contact them they they will no doubt wont as hell bother contacting you.

 

this goes back to one of the first things we learn as a child. to have a friend you must be a friend. of course, you may not want them even as a friend, and that's fine.

[CaliGuy]

Attention Caliguy!

 

I found this link to another forum

 

http://www.enotalone.com/forum/showthread.php?t=134197

 

Please tell me what you think. This person was in contact with his ex and he approached his situation without pleading or begging but being himself.

 

He is winning her back and I love the line "I'm just being patient and understanding and at the same time keeping my emotions in check!"

 

What do you think? Sorry but i m begginning to think no contact doesnt allow you to heal. I like being a colleague or a distant friend. If you dont contact them they they will no doubt wont as hell bother contacting you.

 

Catch 22.

 

Sometimes you just have to let your pride you and talk to the other half as a human being and not play games of no contact. Isnt that whats kids do. "I m not talking to you!"

 

I woudn't say he has won her back quite yet. They are talking, etc but he didn't say they are dating again.

 

A couple of points.

1. They really loved each other. She never fell out of love with him, just her feelings were mixed. When someone falls out of love with you, it's much much more difficult to win them back.

2. Notice how much pain he was in with all the contact? Now, what would have happened to him had she been firm on her resolve that it was over? He would have delayed his healing for months, possibly longer.

3. At the beginning he clung on tight. Bad, bad mistake.

4. He did a couple things right: He stayed cool, never letting her see him sweat. He worked on being his old self, the self she fell in love with to begin with. You need to have a lot of confidence and self-esteem to do that.

5. No displays of jealousy, no talk about the past. That is important.

6. When she broke up it was because he was taking the relationship for granted and got a huge wake up call. He changed his behavior.

 

Remember what I said about figuring out what you did wrong and working as hard as you can to improve? This is a good example. He didn't place the blame on her. He said "Ok, I can't control her, all I have control over is myself. So I am going to do my best to improve as much as I can, rebuild my confidence and self-esteem and go from there. Whatever happens, happens."

 

He was prepared for the worst possible outcome. I believe that once he got his stuff together, he really put himself in a good position for success.

 

The reason why everyone preaches NC is because you really DO need that period of NC to get your bearings straight. To get yourself in the frame of mind to properly evaluate where you can improve (ie: Confidence, self-esteem, etc.). He realized taking the relationship for granted was the reason for their demise. He never placed blame on her. Also, she didn't start to miss him until she was gone. That's where NC can really help you. How are they supposed to miss you if you never go away? I'm quite sure he wasn't talking to her every day, emailing her every day, drunk dialing her or otherwise clinging to her.

 

Do I recommned what he did? No. I believe to some degree he had a bit of luck as well. I believe he naturally followed a lot of what my guide says, but even then, that's no guarantee they will come back.

 

In my case, my Ex loves me, but isn't IN love with me. When you're in that situation the possiblility for a reconcilliation is almost nil. I'm already in too deep a hole to climb out of. The best I can do is stick to my guide and make myself attractive to someone else.

 

And really, that's where the guide will help you. Not only does it give you the possibility of having a second chance, but sets up for success with someone else should that second chance never come.

 

Never, ever underestimate NC. I truly believe he was lucky because if she fell completely out of love with him and started dating someone else seriously, imagine where he'd be right now?

 

Devistated and having to start all over again.

[Ukwizard]

Caliguy. I would recommend you read the post again. The grammer in his post isnt that great nor is the sturcture and past and present tense.

 

He mentions

 

"I decided that I was not going to do NC. I was going to be there for her and try my best to create a positive outcome for us. Every time I saw her, I was as myself, acting natural and pleasant. Not once did I bring up the relationship or the past, I knew that my goal was to move forward. There were times where it was tough and I knew she was still at 2 minds about it all. I also knew she was going back to AZ, but I never let her see how I felt about it and I wished her a fantastic and safe trip. What happened in AZ, I don’t know, but when she did come back, she told me how much she missed me."

 

and

 

"I don’t know what the future will hold for us, I don’t know if she will stay with me, but God knows I am fighting for it and so far it’s working great. She wants to spend so much time with me now and we are doing the most exciting things together."

 

So in response to your points

 

1. They really loved each other. She never fell out of love with him, just her feelings were mixed. When someone falls out of love with you, it's much much more difficult to win them back.

2. Notice how much pain he was in with all the contact? Now, what would have happened to him had she been firm on her resolve that it was over? He would have delayed his healing for months, possibly longer.

3. At the beginning he clung on tight. Bad, bad mistake.

4. He did a couple things right: He stayed cool, never letting her see him sweat. He worked on being his old self, the self she fell in love with to begin with. You need to have a lot of confidence and self-esteem to do that.

5. No displays of jealousy, no talk about the past. That is important.

6. When she broke up it was because he was taking the relationship for granted and got a huge wake up call. He changed his behavior.

 

1. Of course she fell out of love with him. She dated another person!

2. The only pain I read was in the first week when he begged and pleaded. Thats only seven days not a lifetime.

3. Sentence repeated fornumber 2 but reformatted to mean the exact same thing.

4. You said it yourself. He did contact the right way "He stayed cool, never letting her see him sweat. He worked on being his old self, the self she fell in love with to begin with. You need to have a lot of confidence and self-esteem to do that."

5 Same as number 4

6. Correct he took it for granted but he redeemmed himself by changing what he had done wrong. He won her back by doing what? Contact. Now imagine the tables are turned Caliguy and you are this person and you do your NO CONTACT scenario. Now answer me this? How would you get her back?

 

No contact = out of sight + out of life.

 

Never overestimate NC!

[Ukwizard]

Caliguy. You ve not responded! Are you in NC with me? LOL

 

Okay I do no contact as well! Lets see where this NC business gets us.

 

LMAO

[riobikini]

RE:

 

UKWizard: " Sometimes you just have to let your pride you and talk to the other half as a human being and not play games of no contact. Isn't that whats kids do. "I m not talking to you!"

 

UK, Like children on a playground, -yes- sometimes, people use 'NC' as a way to get attention, play hurtful games, and string a relationship waaaaaay out that was going nowhere but south, under any circumstances.

 

Those people usually turn out to be immature and irresponsible in other important matters concerning their lives, as well.

 

But here's the cold truth about 'NC': it is a tool.

 

It is a tool for your protection under circumstances which scream for your protection.

 

Some of those circumstances are: when a relationship is 'bad' for you, i.e. alcoholic who won't seek help or stay with the program, violent relationships where you are being hurt, or the person hurts themselves with drugs, etc, -and here's even more...'NC' is beneficial in a relationship which is chronically emotionally abusive, or where one partner is always 'using' the other or stringing them along for nothing more than 'entertainment', or 'just because you're there' to use.

 

There are other reasons to use 'NC', which are probably not as terrific as the ones above, but are just as painful.

 

Some of those are: when something (someone) has traumatized the relationship in such a horrible way, you simply cannot forgive them (at least, for the time being), i.e. cheating, for instance.

 

'NC' is a valuable resource with wisdom to back it up, and like a tool, it's intended purpose should always be thoroughly understood and used with respect.

 

When a relationship breaks and some of the above 'no win' situations occur, 'NC' may be the hardest thing you have ever attempted to do, but it can save you from continuing a downward spiral by being an 'enabler', or save you from the negative influence or projection of a partner with a seriously affected mental disposition that you simply cannot continue to be in direct contact with, or -as the situation 'NC' is most used in- removes you from the heartache of a relationship that is just no good for either one of you, -and cannot work due to one or both of you being unwilling or unable to resolve the problem(s).

 

'No Contact' is not a silly toy, -it is not a game-piece- it is a real honest-to-goodness tool that, if used by a responsible adult will protect you, help you to recover, and 'git 'er done' sooner than if you played with the concept like a careless child with a book of matches and a lighter.

 

Similarly in keeping with that idea, 'NC' -if you choose it- burns the bridges that need to be burned.

 

Hope this straightens the issue out for you some.

 

Take care.

 

-Rio

 

P.S....UKW, use the search button in this site to look for the topic 'No Contact'...and get ready for the motherload, -because there's alot here on that 'benign' little subject.

[CaliGuy]

No contact = out of sight + out of life.

 

I won't agree with that statement because every situation is different. Just as Rio said, BOTH people have to want to work it out. My opinion of NC is to give you time to heal and work on yourself. If you want to break it off for good, never contact them again.

 

But I always feel let THEM initiate the contact. I do believe if you need to see where you are at and can handle rejection again, then go ahead and break NC after a month or two.

 

But seriously, if they are dating someone else and it's been longer than three months, as No Foolin' says, you're going to need a Hail Mary pass to win them back.

[neiu]

I figure if you're dating someone else already for that long you're probably over your ex. If you're not over your ex and you're dating someone for that long, well I think you're just being a huge jerk. Not only are you denying your own feelings but you're also denying them of your utmost respect, love and attention. Frankly I think you would just be kidding yourself and I don't think I would want to be with someone who spends time with me but isn't really thinking about me. That is not fair.

 

I had a second chance at one point, but now that I look back on it, it was rushed into. I think I was back with my ex within 2 weeks or so. After we broke up the first time I just started to do my own things and yes I did contact her and went out for dinner with her and just acted cool and whatnot in her presence. It worked, we were back together but then you realize that the underlying issues that first caused the breakup come back to haunt you and you end up breaking up again. So then I proceeded for the thrid chance because I thought that it was rushed and that we could work it out. It turned out I was wrong.

 

If you really want a chance, you need to change and they need to change. You basically start off completely new, but then again I don't think you really ever do. The memories and certain things that happened just don't disappear and there will always be a past that you will refer to. But if you change and the other person changes, doesn't that mean that you are no longer the same people that you both once fell in love with? Then how sure are you that the new them is what you really want back. Frankly I think the problem with most of us have is that we keep thinking back to the good memories and how awesome they were with us. We miss having them around for those reasons and somehow they always outweigh the negative reasons as if those negative reasons are easy fixes. But in reality they're not and a second chance doesn't mean anything is fixed either. I think with a second chance, you have a higher chance of breaking up again because you're walking a fine line and any display of past behaviour will surely be noticed and not be taken with much lenience.

 

You can do your best to prove to them that you have changed. But you're not going to change their mind if they are set on not taking you back and then again why would you want to be with someone who you need to prove your love to them. To convince them to love you back. It goes both ways, and the love should just happen naturally. Plus if you try to convince them, they could just become annoyed with you and eventually just cut you off. And if you try so hard to convince them and it still doesn't work then you're going to feel like crap and it's going to take a long time for you to recover.

 

If anything, I think the best thing for anyone is to just to let go and move on. You wait and wait for that person to come around, how long are you going to wait for? Sure, wait the couple of months and see if you can resolve things, but if you dwell on it and don't try and get over it, it's going to be the most draining process you wil ever go through. You also miss out on the chance to meet someone who potentially could be better than your ex and ultimately be the one for you.

 

I believe in second chances but they do happen at a very slim rate. Sure ex's do talk to each other but once you're not on the same level emotionally and of attractiveness it doesn't work. I just don't want people seeking for a second chance to get their hopes up because I've been there and it's not fun. It's draining and you feel so helpless and when you feel like that, no one is going to want you. I wanted another chance, followed the advice on LS doing NC and well it ended up making the ex jealous of me as I ended up meeting a girl who is just about everything I could hope for. Now I think the ex only kept me around for her conveniece as if her relationships with other people didn't work, atleast i'll be there. I'm not there anymore and I've moved on. You have to realize that though you might be sitting at home thinking about ways to get your ex back, your ex probably is not at home thinking about getting you back, cause if they were, you 2 probably would be together.

 

Every situation is different though and I can only speak through my experiences. If you think you have the chance to get back with your ex and you feel it is the right thing to do by all means go for it. You'll have my full support and I'm sure many other members in LS. You're going to do what you think is right for you, what you think you need to do. It's brave and it is a courages thing to do but at the sametime it could be the dumbest move you make. It's like going into a battle knowing that you're badly outnumbered but you're going to try anyway just for the extremely small chance at victory. Yeah it's brave but is it worth it? Or is it better to just admit to yourself that its not wise and give up, go back and rebuild. Never sell yourself short, if you respect yourself then give and demand only the best for yourself.

 

Hey, it's your life and you gotta do what you gotta do. I just want people to be happy. I'll probably receive heavy backlash from you guys saying that my post doesn't give advice on how to "win" the ex back but I think I'm just being realistic here. If there really was a way to get an ex back, I'm pretty sure this forum would not exist because everyone would know the formula but there isn't one. Every single relationship is different and one person's advice might work for someone but it could be detrimental for another. Life's too short to be sitting around waiting and wishing, don't miss out on what it has to offer.

[riobikini]

RE:

 

Neiu:

" It's brave and it is a courageous thing to do but at the same time it could be the dumbest move you make. It's like going into a battle knowing that you're badly outnumbered but you're going to try anyway just for the extremely small chance at victory. Yeah it's brave but is it worth it? Or is it better to just admit to yourself that its not wise and give up, go back and rebuild. Never sell yourself short, if you respect yourself then give and demand only the best for yourself. "

 

Exactly. There seems to be two strong schools of support/thought for second chances, and a rare third which takes into consideration the more reasonable aspects of regluing it all together, if possible.

 

The first is made up of those who are so romantically saturated they do not care what injuries they may receive in the least opportunity to win back their partner.

 

The second, is so afraid of giving it a try, that, often they withdraw from -not only the present broken relationship- but every/any other possibilities of love to re-enter their lives.

 

The third, leaves room for rebuilding a real life, -a real love.

 

 

-Rio

[Ukwizard]

Utter tosh riobikin. LOL

 

"The first is made up of those who are so romantically saturated they do not care what injuries they may receive in the least opportunity to win back their partner."

 

I agree with this one but

 

"The second, is so afraid of giving it a try, that, often they withdraw from -not only the present broken relationship- but every/any other possibilities of love to re-enter their lives.

 

The third, leaves room for rebuilding a real life, -a real love."

 

No. The correction here is that you are out numbered. And instead of being fighting you withdraw and REBUILD your army and go back into battle (to win the victory in winning back your ex!)

 

Now stop contacting me. I m supposed to be doing NO CONTACT!

 

LMAO

[riobikini]

UK,

 

Cute.

 

Now, before I change my mind....go live in your own little world.

 

-Rio

[Ukwizard]

Now, before I change my mind....go live in your own little world.

 

That world is called reality!

 

Or what you could do. Guerilla warefare.

 

The dictionary definition is

 

"irregular, usually indigenous military or paramilitary unit operating in small bands in occupied territory to harass and undermine the enemy, as by surprise raids."

 

So you could do NC and then do sporradic outburts of contact to win your ex back. What you must do though is self develop yourself, do other things, get extra hobbies so when you do contact your ex you can show you are having a whale of a time

[Ukwizard]

Well okay maybe not harrass. May end up with a court order or something!

 

Yoikes!!

[shelters]

Doing the same thing over and over and over and expecting different results.

 

(sigh)

 

I agree with this entire Second Chances thing. I'm in the recent position of having to implement them. My ex is a great person. I am a great person. Neither one of us cheated, lied, etc. The relationship ended b/c of my own personal issues (I'm sure some of his since it takes two to tango - but my focus is on me here).

 

I've gone through breaks up before. I've gone through the rebuilding self esteem and confidence. When I'm not in a relationship (and thus not triggered), my issues lay down and sleep... and the side of me that is self confident, self loving, optimistic, etc comes on out to play.

 

And then?

 

I enter another relationship (after a year or so) and this person is drawn to these wonderful parts of myself... esp my fierce independence. But then something happens when I get into the relationship. My independent nature remains, but self confidence & optimism are lost... and those issues that were sleeping?? Well they surface for a big meal, so to speak. And the guys, I'm guessing, must feel tricked in a way... like "what the **** happened to this awesome girl I found?"

 

So my question is how do you really work on yourself when the issues only surface in a relationship?

[CaliGuy]

So my question is how do you really work on yourself when the issues only surface in a relationship?

 

Simple. By keeping your needs #1. When we enter a relationship we want to make that person happy and we think we have to give up something or change to do that. In effect we simply lose touch with who we were that made the person interested in us.

 

Stay true to yourself. Don't change. You're already making them happy or they wouldn't be interested in you. Don't lose sight of who you are. Check yourself and search within. "Am I changing or doing things different than I did when I was single?"

 

See, if you can make yourself happy single then you will be able to make someone happy in a relationship without changing a thing.

[riobikini]

Shelters,

 

First of all, you've already identified your problematic areas.

 

It's actually dealing with them -correcting them- that you keep failing at.

 

And that's normally true with alot of us.

 

You see, we discover our failures over time, -but when we're given opportunity by our partner to continue with particular behavior, we often do nothing, -figuring he/she 'accepts' it.

 

That may work for a short time.

 

But those more annoying or destructive things we keep doing normally will become an 'issue' for the other partner after he/she has 'had enough'.

 

Then we're in 'hot water'.

 

We have to face those 'issues' and we're challenged by our partner to 'fix' them.

 

We can't blame the problem entirely on the fact that we're in a relationship that suddenly 'brought them on', -hey- they were there to begin with, and we knew about them.

 

It's our responsibility to fix them.

 

Your particular problem, (if I'm reading you correctly) seems to hinge on 'clinginess' and relying on him as a child for certain things: constant assurance of love/commitment? Need for physical closeness? Dependence on him for unrealistic emotional displays?

 

I don't know if I pegged you right, -but if I did, this is a very common problem with a lot of women (mostly) taking on partners for relationships where they suspect/know that he will 'bend' to their every need, and 'allow' them to slide on their previously very opposite behavior.

 

No wonder the partners feel 'tricked'.

 

Maybe it's because you've just simply grown 'tired' of being strongly independent, or have been unable to 'let go' and be your softer, more femme self, and you overdo it.

 

Could also be the stubborn unwillingness to change weak behavior patterns.

 

Could be that you simply enjoy pressing the boundaries of a male.

 

Whatever the root of that problem is, -it's worth saying that it's destructive to any romantic relationship and that decay is inevitable, if it's not corrected.

 

It starts with you, Shelters, -it's not a problem your partner can 'fix'.

 

It doesn't matter if he's a dedicated partner or not, this is behavior that doesn't belong in any relationship.

 

If he does love you, though, and you have a great relationship except for your pushing his boundaries, -**and you are willing to work on the problem** - he should be sticking around indefinitely.

 

(Smile)

 

-Rio

[shelters]

Thanks Caliguy & Rio,

 

Yes, it is absolutely each person’s responsibility to change/grow. In my particular situation I retain my independent nature in a relationship… meaning I do not become clingy or make demands on my partner for assurances. I actually think I should, at least a little. I tend to be more internal in that way (which comes from not wanting to be a burden) rather than saying what I might need at a particular moment. What does get lost for me is my self-confidence and optimistic nature. The relationship can be chugging along quite nicely and then quite suddenly I begin to have serious doubts about the very person I was so sure about the week before. These doubts send me spiraling downward. I lose the self-confidence of my initial decision (in choosing this person). I start to feel insecure that the relationship will last. I start to wonder if I really love this person. It comes on verrry suddenly. Perhaps if it were gradual I’d be more inclined to say the person just wasn’t for me. Then I begin to push the person away but not completely b/c of course there is still a part of me that wants the relationship, loves the person… so for my most recent bf, some of the days he had this loving gf and other times not.

 

I know at the root is low self esteem, I’m sure… and maybe even fear of commitment on my end, not sure. The more my bf would show his love for me, the more I would internally/quietly question his… sanity. Well not “sanity,” but that is the only word that is coming to mind. I know that if I don’t believe that I’m actually lovable that this will continue to happen… but unfortunately these issues only arise in a relationship. When I am single, the self-confidence, self-love and optimism returns.

 

I'd like to believe that people should be sticking around indefinitely if I'm working on my issues and the relationship is good outside of the above... but the above is a lot for someone to take. When my bf broke up with me, I respected him for taking care of himself that way.

[riobikini]

You know, Shelters, the more I read your posts, I am beginning to think your problem does, indeed lie with how lovable you believe you are, after all.

 

Could it be that your thinking involves the fact you already know all the 'bad' or negative things about yourself and you are simply afraid that, once someone else finds out about those, you think he just won't be able to love you, anymore?

 

Look, if it is, -we all deal with that, I believe, to some degree.

 

We wonder if, once the person really knows us and sees all our faults, that some of them may be too much to accept.

 

The thing to do, is look at those 'negative' things and see if they qualify as 'ridiculous' worry, -or whether you really do need to change them.

 

Maybe it's just that you are comfortable with those faults and do not wish to change them...and that's ok, if they amount to small, insignificant issues...but if they're crushing each relationship you have, do what you can to change them.

 

If it's just anxiety in thinking he won't love you for the little quirks and slightly 'weird' things and patterns of behavior you have, -think again, -he probably has them, too.

 

(Smile)

 

-Rio

[riobikini]

If it's just anxiety in thinking he won't love you for the little quirks and slightly 'weird' things and patterns of behavior you have, -think again, -he probably has them, too.

 

Plus, -it might just turn out that he loves your little 'quirks'!

 

(Smile)

 

-Rio

[shelters]

Thank you for the kind words.

 

I have more than quirks. Def things that I need to change... which all fall under the umbrella of learning how to hold onto myself *in* a relationship. It doesn't make any sense to me that the more my ex expressed his love and commitment, the less I felt I deserved it. Yet when we first met I was certainly in a place of loving who I am and believing I deserved love. Then we started moving toward engagement and I suddenly pulled back.

 

I miss him a lot. Implementing the NC is not really that difficult for me b/c being in contact hurts more. At this point NC is needed for self-preservation.

 

What kills me the most is accepting that it is over. I try to hold on to hope but then I think what advice his family and friends are prob giving him. I'm sure none of them are saying to give this relationship another shot. I'm sure they're all telling him to move on, "forget her." (sigh)

 

I'd be ok with taking time, even a lot of time, if we were both working on ourselves and then would come back together again more whole, stronger, wiser, etc... and then work on the relationship together with more of a solid foundation (individually) to build upon as a couple. It is the idea that he is going off to find someone who was all the things I was not...

 

I'll stop there. I could play that thought out and all that happens is it makes my heart ache even more.

 

I'm sure I'll feel a lil better tomorrow. I've noticed that the weekend is the hardest on me since my mind is not sidetracked by going to work.

[riobikini]

Whether you're *in* a relationship or not, -you really need to get to the bottom of this.

 

Feeling unlovable, not good enough, or whatever phobia, or 'secret' negative (you believe) knowledge of yourself you have, isn't ever going to get better until you *treat* it.

 

-Rio

[shelters]

Agreed.

 

That's why I'm here posting in first place (and seeing a counselor, reading, looking to gain more knowledge on the subject, etc.)

[MTK]

Caliguy, I'd like your input on this one. I've read through your threads, and am trying to follow it as best as I can.

 

Ok, I posted before and did not get any answer. I've been reading threads for several days now and absorbing as much information as possible, which is very helpful. To say the least, I really wish someone would have told me about NC MUCH SOONER.

 

She ended our 3 year relationship on the 9th, she wanted me back hours later. We were to be publically apart, but together privately again until after spring break. I left Friday for Tennessee, and she stayed at my school. I found out later that she went to a restaurant with the guy she is currently dating with a group of friends from the same school. Apparently she talked to the other guy once in Florida on the cell phone, and I couldn't really get a clear answer on why she wouldn't talk to me while she was down there. Strike 1.

 

Long story short, we came back from Spring Break, she decided to end our relationship for good. I found out 2 days later that she was seeing another guy already from one of her classes. We were first everything for each other, and we had both secretly planned on being married together someday. She would definately not be where she is today had it not been for me. I asked for a talk with her and the school counselor to apologize for confronting her and apologize for my wrong doings, etc. Strike 2.

 

She asked for no contact, but contacted me days later of trivial crap (email her a paper I had on my computer). Well, I had no idea that she would contact me every Tues for three weeks asking for something (wanted her camera back that I asked about during the breakup, but she said I could keep it-any input on this? Give it back or...) back or to return something. I wrote her an email a couple days later asking for her not to contact me anymore until she sorted herself out and her priorities. I said I'm playing my own game now, and before she goes down my road for any reason and in any way, she needs to figure herself out first. I broke the 3 week, 6 day curse of the "Black Tuesdays." Though, she did ask her roommate to ask for her camera back again. I told her roomy that I would as soon as I got my shorts back. Well, I'll probably give her the camera back after I take pictures of my dog being on my college's campus this weekend. I'm psyched, I love my dog, and dogs in general.

 

When it comes to this relationship, I want to change and make myself more beter by being a Dean List student in the future, starter on the school's football team, more sociable, etc. I want to take her places, and do more social things, etc.

 

I talked to her uncle a little bit, and she thinks of him as an advice giver, and I'm very much on his good side and thinks very highly of me. He even hoped that we would be together for the long run as well. Her uncle now knows that I felt I had taken her for granted in my last email, and I want her to be happy, etc. I won't contact him again until mid-June to let him know how I'm doing -he asked me not to share anything he wrote with the ex, and I asked the same of him.

 

But back to the story, she's going to stay at his house for a little while this summer, and then go to her family's for the rest. She wants to go back to her uncle's place in California with her new bf over the summer. When she first broke up, she said that the new guy helped her get over me and he was sweet, gentle, etc. etc. A lot of people poke fun at the two brothers for looking like hobbits, smurfs, etc -they aren't very well liked by 99% of the campus.

 

The thing is though, everyone on campus (pop. 550 on a good day) thinks that the guy is a jerk, and that she's being shallow/ superficial. She's lost all contact with everyone except for being with the guy, and maybe a friend or two from class. She lives like a hermit now. I'm participating in dorm events, off-season conditioning, social trips to the bars, etc. and just making myself seem better and better to everyone else. We're both sophs (I'm 21, she's 19). The guy is a jr. I know that he'll be here only one more year and then go to vet school or maybe work at home until grad school? She wants to be an ER surgeon, and I want to be an Athletic Trainer. So, there will be a point where she could be a my TA, and we'll be here alone for a year before she goes off to med school hopefully.

 

Her roommate and I are friends now, and from what I can gather, she's liking the other guy for the way he dresses (Abercrombie, Hollister, etc.), he's motivated and likes to do things she does (I'm still purplexed about this even though we were basically friends for a year before we dated for 3).

 

So what now though? Luckily school ends in 5 days, and I won't see her until late August. I can forgive her for this now and would not bring up the past ever, but my intentions are to get back sometime. I plan to go out and find someone else, I'm even talking (not for a relationship though) to the person who my ex asked me not to date when she broke up the 2nd time. It's a mess, I know.

 

Caliguy, what advice can you give for me? If she's falling for these California image styles, what do you suggest? Yes, everyone feels she's being "immature" and her underage drinking ticket last night was hopefully another wake up call -no I'm not stalking her, a bunch of people told me this morning. It was sort of the whip cream on top of a great bar-crawl last night. Still, what's the best avenue?

[CaliGuy]

Caliguy, what advice can you give for me? If she's falling for these California image styles, what do you suggest? Yes, everyone feels she's being "immature" and her underage drinking ticket last night was hopefully another wake up call -no I'm not stalking her, a bunch of people told me this morning. It was sort of the whip cream on top of a great bar-crawl last night. Still, what's the best avenue?

 

Well good thing I got a PM or I might not have seen this post until Monday.

 

Based on everything you've told me you both are very young. I know how you feel. Been there myself at your age. My first for everything dumped me and she would have come back had I just kept my cool and not tried to force things.

 

Did you see the suggestions here for getting over someone? Occupy your time as best you can with friends, hobbies, working out, etc. Your focus shouldn't be on her and what she is doing but on you and your needs. There's nothing you can do to change her mind.

 

The absolute best thing you can do is let her go. You've talked a lot about how much her new guy is disliked, that's he's a jerk or whatever but if you interfere with their relationship guess who's going to seem like the jerk? Yep, you.

 

Now, I'm not one to say jack about talking to relatives because I still have a relationship with my Ex's mom, though slowly but surely as the weeks go by we talk less and less. I do think it's a good idea to not get her Uncle involved. Do you know what's going to happen if she suggests to her that she get back with you? The exact opposite will happen. She'll stick with the new guy even more so because she won't want her Uncle telling her how to live her life. And neither should you.

 

Follow the guide as best you can. Like I said there is no guarantee that she'll come back. Given your age you still have your whole life ahead of you and frankly I wouldn't even think about marriage until I was out of school, established and was able to provide a good life for my family.

 

I guess what I am saying is there is no silver bullet, so to speak. In my case, what I am doing right now will either eventually get us back together or put the final nail in the coffin. This just may be a case for you that she needs to live life a little, kiss a few frogs and see what else life has to offer.

 

I would suggest to you my friend that you do the same. Don't jump into another relationship but go out with your friends, hang out with women, focus on your confidence and self-esteem and understand that just because this isn't working out your value has not decreased.

 

That's something I've learned over the past 6 months or so. I'm not a bad guy, I have a lot to offer the right person and I deserve to be happy and have my needs met.

 

Bottom line is no matter what happens if you follow the guide you'll be fine. Heck, you may not even want her once you've been through the grieving processs and rebuilt your confidence and self-esteem. As you mature, so will your taste. In fact, that's another reason to not get married young. Your taste will change as you get older and sometimes the people we are attracted to when we're 21 don't look so good to us at 30 anymore. And I don't mean the physical aspects either.

 

Good luck. I don't know if I answered your question. I don't know if anyone can answer them but you.