Guest Posted March 24, 2006 Share Posted March 24, 2006 This is tough! I feel like there is so many things I could do, and yet so few at the same time! My biggest change has been a new writing class. I think I will try to jumpstart my novel again as well. I also want to continue a diet, since I've lost about 10lbs already, and I've begun exercising again. I'd like one of these days to be able to wear a bathing suit without being scared, because I am rather insecure about my body (being a girl is fun...) I'd also like to make some new friends, but I'm at a loss at how to do this, as I'm well out of college, my interests and hobbies generally attract only an older crowd, and I have no interest in the bar scene. People are trying to get me to travel, but that's not much on my mind yet. What is everyone else doing for self-improvement? I need more ideas to take up my time!!! I took up 3D design software. My lord is it complicated. The computer has almost gone out of the window on several occassions. You could spend all your life learning about it but guess what my mind isn't doing while I'm trying Maybe I'll make some money out of it in the future. I went down the gym religiously, at least 5 days a week for for 5 months until last week when I hurt my chest doing bench press. I am doing a run for charity soon as well. My body aint in that bad shape now. Crikey, I'm starting to project positivity. What's going on? Good luck with the writing. Link to post Share on other sites
Author CaliGuy Posted March 24, 2006 Author Share Posted March 24, 2006 Cali, Not to throw a wrench into the spokes.. But why is it that you think the person that has been dumped needs to do any self-improvement ?? If they dated a putz or a biotch then they most likely have nothing wrong with them that they need to improve on.. Care to enlighten me ? A little introspection as to why the relationship self destructed is all that is needed.. Not everyone does, Art. What I think is important is for people to reflect on what happened and focus on areas they can improve of themselves. You can not control the ex, that's completely out of your power. Often times when a breakup occurs we want to put complete blame on the ex. That may or may not be the fact but the only thing you have control over is yourself. Yes, it takes two people to make a relationship work and a relationship fail. But if you're focused on yourself, getting your needs met and improving where you can, you can't help but be attractive to someone else. Introspective as to why it failed is very important. But failure to correct the things on your end that helped lead to the end of the relationship means you're bound to repeat them. In addition, many times we let our boundaries become over-run when we fall in love. That's bad. We need to recognize when our boundaries are being crossed and make sure we don't let it happen. If you have healthy boundaries you won't let yourself get too deep into a relationship with someone you know deep down isn't right for you. Ergo, if you date a bitch or jerk whom you let walk all over you, is that a sign something is wrong with them -------- or is something wrong with you? I'd have to say it's both. Again, you can't control someone else. The only thing you can control is yourself. That's why I say self-improvement is vital. Once you have a healthy level of confidence and self-esteem you won't settle for dating a jerk or a bitch and you'll inherently attract people with similar qualities. I'm not saying everyone needs major improvements, but personal evaluation should be a constant part of our lives. It keeps us in check and in tune with where we need to be. It allows us to nip negative qualities in the bud as soon as possible. Hopefully I've made my point clear. Link to post Share on other sites
Art_Critic Posted March 24, 2006 Share Posted March 24, 2006 I don't think he means that the self-improvement should be done to attract others, simply that it often becomes a positive side effect of improving yourself, while in the meantime it helps you heal from the break-up. Actually he does.. He talks about being MORE attractive to someone else. So he is saying that a dumper is not good enough.. My point is why ?? Is there something wrong with a dumper ? What is wrong with a relationship just not working out.. Why is it that someone has to do work on themselves ??? Maybe they are just fine and need no work.. I have dated women that after the relationship was over I didn't have to CHANGE myself and FIX and SELF IMPROVE myself for the next girl... I was fine.. The relationship just didn't work out Enlighten me please ? Originally Posted by CaliGuy Focus on your self-improvement because even if there is no second chance with your ex, you will be more attractive to someone else and in the end, you may wonder what you ever saw in your ex to begin with Link to post Share on other sites
Art_Critic Posted March 24, 2006 Share Posted March 24, 2006 Hopefully I've made my point clear. You did.. You posted as I was writing another post sometimes I think you read too many books.. Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted March 24, 2006 Share Posted March 24, 2006 Cali, Not to throw a wrench into the spokes.. But why is it that you think the person that has been dumped needs to do any self-improvement ?? If they dated a putz or a biotch then they most likely have nothing wrong with them that they need to improve on.. Care to enlighten me ? A little introspection as to why the relationship self destructed is all that is needed.. Well, it's a good distraction if you need it. I did. But I did wrestle with that thought for a bit. Why should I be changing me, this is her problem. I was concerned that she might be think "I must have done him a favour, look at all the changes he's made in his life". Don't want her to feel justified. But that's just silly thinking. Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted March 24, 2006 Share Posted March 24, 2006 Cali, Not to throw a wrench into the spokes.. But why is it that you think the person that has been dumped needs to do any self-improvement ?? If they dated a putz or a biotch then they most likely have nothing wrong with them that they need to improve on.. Care to enlighten me ? A little introspection as to why the relationship self destructed is all that is needed.. Well, it's a good distraction if you need it. I did. But I did wrestle with that thought for a bit. Why should I be changing me, this is her problem. I was concerned that she might be think "I must have done him a favour, look at all the changes he's made in his life". Don't want her to feel justified. But that's just silly thinking. Sometimes these severe shocks in life are a good point to change some things. Link to post Share on other sites
TravelLight Posted March 24, 2006 Share Posted March 24, 2006 Cali, Not to throw a wrench into the spokes.. But why is it that you think the person that has been dumped needs to do any self-improvement ?? If they dated a putz or a biotch then they most likely have nothing wrong with them that they need to improve on.. Care to enlighten me ? A little introspection as to why the relationship self destructed is all that is needed.. Well, it's a good distraction if you need it. I did. But I did wrestle with that thought for a bit. Why should I be changing me, this is her problem. I was concerned that she might be think "I must have done him a favour, look at all the changes he's made in his life". Don't want her to feel justified. But that's just silly thinking. BTW I was logged out by my browser so you're going to see this again - SORRY! Link to post Share on other sites
Art_Critic Posted March 24, 2006 Share Posted March 24, 2006 Well, it's a good distraction if you need it. I can understand that part.. it is true.. but if your happy with yourself why is that you have to change yourself ? I know throughout my life I only change things about myself that I don't like.. But on a day to day basis I love who I am.. and I'll be damned if an Ex GF that I had problems with will change that to a point that I have to do Self Improvement in order to be happy.. Link to post Share on other sites
TravelLight Posted March 24, 2006 Share Posted March 24, 2006 I can understand that part.. it is true.. but if your happy with yourself why is that you have to change yourself ? I know throughout my life I only change things about myself that I don't like.. But on a day to day basis I love who I am.. and I'll be damned if an Ex GF that I had problems with will change that to a point that I have to do Self Improvement in order to be happy.. You're right. Sometimes though you get locked into a way of life and a big event shakes you up and makes you think about yourself. If I look back on my life I see major events that have shaped and changed me, different phases. We don't always stay the same. Link to post Share on other sites
amaysngrace Posted March 24, 2006 Share Posted March 24, 2006 If I look back on my life I see major events that have shaped and changed me, different phases. We don't always stay the same. that's right. i totally agree. Link to post Share on other sites
Author CaliGuy Posted March 24, 2006 Author Share Posted March 24, 2006 Actually he does.. He talks about being MORE attractive to someone else. You will be naturally if your confidence and self-esteem is at normal, healthy levels and you have a full life. So he is saying that a dumper is not good enough.. My point is why ?? Is there something wrong with a dumper ? What is wrong with a relationship just not working out.. Sometimes they don't and I address that in the guide. Why is it that someone has to do work on themselves ??? Maybe they are just fine and need no work.. Some are just fine and pick bad people, Art. What I am saying is nobody is perfect but self-improvement should be a constant part of our lives. I don't think it's possible for anyone to be completely perfect. Every one of us has some negative qualities. We should strive to improve where we can. Some people just need more improvement than others. I have dated women that after the relationship was over I didn't have to CHANGE myself and FIX and SELF IMPROVE myself for the next girl... I was fine.. The relationship just didn't work out Like I said, if you're happy with yourself, you have healthy self-esteem and confidence and your life is full, you can still improve yourself in one area or another. The reason for self-improvement isn't just to make yourself more attractive to others. It's simply to help make you the best 'you' you can be. Enlighten me please ? So you're perfect, Art. Is that what you're saying? Link to post Share on other sites
Author CaliGuy Posted March 24, 2006 Author Share Posted March 24, 2006 You did.. You posted as I was writing another post sometimes I think you read too many books.. It's all part of my personal improvement process Link to post Share on other sites
Author CaliGuy Posted March 24, 2006 Author Share Posted March 24, 2006 I can understand that part.. it is true.. but if your happy with yourself why is that you have to change yourself ? I know throughout my life I only change things about myself that I don't like.. But on a day to day basis I love who I am.. and I'll be damned if an Ex GF that I had problems with will change that to a point that I have to do Self Improvement in order to be happy.. You shouldn't work on self-improvement for any other reason than yourself and making yourself happy, indeed Link to post Share on other sites
Art_Critic Posted March 24, 2006 Share Posted March 24, 2006 So you're perfect, Art. Is that what you're saying? No.. but I am happy with myself.. As far as self improvement most of the self improvement I have done has to do with Alcohol, Caffeine, & Nictone.. I can't truly remember having to change because I broke up with someone. Link to post Share on other sites
Author CaliGuy Posted March 24, 2006 Author Share Posted March 24, 2006 No.. but I am happy with myself.. As far as self improvement most of the self improvement I have done has to do with Alcohol, Caffeine, & Nictone.. I can't truly remember having to change because I broke up with someone. As long as you know why the relationship failed and you're OK with yourself as is, that's really all you can do, amigo. Nobody is perfect, but being able to discern what went wrong and avoid repeatiing mistakes (like picking the wrong people, for instance) is the kind of self-improvement we can all use Link to post Share on other sites
Art_Critic Posted March 24, 2006 Share Posted March 24, 2006 Nobody is perfect, but being able to discern what went wrong and avoid repeatiing mistakes (like picking the wrong people, for instance) is the kind of self-improvement we can all use there we go.. that is the type of self improvement that is healthy for you.. Link to post Share on other sites
alphamale Posted March 24, 2006 Share Posted March 24, 2006 Nobody is perfect, but being able to discern what went wrong and avoid repeatiing mistakes (like picking the wrong people, for instance) is the kind of self-improvement we can all use Life is basically a crap-shoot and nothing is guaranteed. You could make changes or "improvements" in yourself until the cows come home and still strike out or have other difficulties. My philosophy is to prepare myself emotionally and intellectually the best I can and then hope for the best Link to post Share on other sites
Author CaliGuy Posted March 24, 2006 Author Share Posted March 24, 2006 Life is basically a crap-shoot and nothing is guaranteed. You could make changes or "improvements" in yourself until the cows come home and still strike out or have other difficulties. My philosophy is to prepare myself emotionally and intellectually the best I can and then hope for the best Alpha, that's exactly what I am talking about. Every failed relationship is an opportunity to learn and grow. Our past experiences (successes and failures) are invaluable tools in the growth process. We never stop growing as people until we refuse to learn Link to post Share on other sites
Ukwizard Posted March 24, 2006 Share Posted March 24, 2006 Hi Caliguy Although this is a good post. How can you get a second chance if you have NC. Isnt no contact, out of sight out of life? The reason I m asking this question is that if you are excluding your life from your ex. How does that heal you if the human phyche is based on curiousity. How can you heal if you have no contact? The mind wanders and wants to know what the other half is doing. I m on reduced contact and I m not a jealous person. I m still friends with my ex and we still keep in contact every now and again. Is no contact a form of denial to the existance of the significant other half? If you dont contact them then there is no doubt the other person will. If they are stubborn enough they probably wont, and we are here counting the days of NC. Link to post Share on other sites
Bogun Posted March 25, 2006 Share Posted March 25, 2006 I reckon you can cut that guide to second chances down to one line.... Get on with your life one day at a time, and then a few weeks/months/years (for the slow learners), down the road you'll realise how dumb it would be to go back for seconds. Link to post Share on other sites
Author CaliGuy Posted March 25, 2006 Author Share Posted March 25, 2006 Hi Caliguy Although this is a good post. How can you get a second chance if you have NC. Isnt no contact, out of sight out of life? I just want to make sure I repeat this: There's no guarantee of a second chance if you follow this guide. If you don't follow the guide I can guarantee there there will never be a second chance. The reason I m asking this question is that if you are excluding your life from your ex. How does that heal you if the human phyche is based on curiousity. How can you heal if you have no contact? The mind wanders and wants to know what the other half is doing. I m on reduced contact and I m not a jealous person. I m still friends with my ex and we still keep in contact every now and again. You heal with NC because it's like going cold turkey to get off something. Love causes emotions that are almost like addictive drugs. You need to break your mind away from thinking about your Ex one day at a time. Cold turkey is absolutely the quickest way to get over them. Is no contact a form of denial to the existance of the significant other half? Not at all. It's doing what you have to do to force yourself to get over the ex. NC tells yours Ex that you're not a weakling and that you can live without them (you can). But most of all it proves to yourself that you are strong and can live without them If you dont contact them then there is no doubt the other person will. If they are stubborn enough they probably wont, and we are here counting the days of NC. Like I said, there are no guarantees your Ex will regret breaking up with you. I'm here to tell you the odds are quite high he/she is may never come back. The guide, as you can tell, focuses for the most part on the dumpee getting their life back in order. Because let's face it. If you are moping around, miserable and wallowing in your own grief, nobody is going to want you. Not even your Ex if by some chance they realize their mistake. Got me? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author CaliGuy Posted March 25, 2006 Author Share Posted March 25, 2006 I reckon you can cut that guide to second chances down to one line.... Get on with your life one day at a time, and then a few weeks/months/years (for the slow learners), down the road you'll realise how dumb it would be to go back for seconds. Pretty much Link to post Share on other sites
J dub Posted March 25, 2006 Share Posted March 25, 2006 oh, what would I do without my lovely CaliGuy? Link to post Share on other sites
Author CaliGuy Posted March 26, 2006 Author Share Posted March 26, 2006 oh, what would I do without my lovely CaliGuy? Quit screwing around JDub, get your a55 to Cali and start dating me. Now! Link to post Share on other sites
Apathetic Posted March 27, 2006 Share Posted March 27, 2006 I agree w/ #'s 2 & 3 and am trying to put them both into effect right now Link to post Share on other sites
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