Im back to dating again and having issues already, what should I do?

[Lamron300]

Hi,

im 32 (Male).

I hope you’re all well. After coming out of a quite difficult relationship, I decided a few weeks ago to start online dating again. I am running into the same problems time and time again, so I must ask, is it me? Is it just modern nature or is it something I’m not seeing?

Im a human who lacks dopamine, I suffer from chronic facial pain for years now and doctors think may have clinic depression. So in my head I feel dating will give me that ‘dopamine’ or feel good factor.

Anyway, I made a new profile and went back online. I thought oh great, I’ve managed to book two dates in this week.

First was with 36F. Matched on Saturday, spoke quite a bit and then arranged date for Tuesday. I had made a joke about chopsticks and not being able to use them and then she was like happy to teach you over dinner, pick a place. I found a Japanese restaurant. We met on Tuesday, date was 3 hours, spoke, laughed, joked. Seemed good to me, good vibe and energy. I escalated my flirting as I never want a date to think maybe it’s just platonic. Mentioned meeting up again numerous times in our convo as we were having a joke about Lego land etc. 

As soon as she got home she thanked me for a lovely evening. I was playing it cool and saying in my head I won’t message till she messaged so was surprised she messsged so quickly. I responded and said I had a lovely evening too, would like to see you again sometime, she said sounds good, me too. Wasn’t a ringing endorsement, but I thought maybe just her communication style. Exchanged a few more messages and she asked me how my exam was? I responded and then haven’t heard back since Wednesday. 
 

The second date I was supposed to go on, I marched with a lady on Sunday and agreed to meet on Friday. She started the convo on the app. We went to WhatsApp and then we were having small talk, just stuff like her sending me photos of what she’s cooking etc. On Wednesday out of the blue she then says, she is enjoying the chat, however, she thinks we are speaking too much and we haven’t even met yet and don’t take it personally she is taking a ‘break’. I responded saying, I like to talk before a date to get to know people better so it isn’t nerve wracking, feel unnatural or like a ‘blind date’. 
 

In our first conversation when I asked about if she likes sport or gym, she said she goes to gym and has a discount. I said oh how did you get one? She then explained she is on some strong medication which can cause weight gain etc and said but is okay as she is still size ten. Anyway, the day before the original planned date she responds to my message, apologizing and saying it must have been the headspace she is in, she’s changing medication and is has experienced some severe side effects in the past’. Again, I didn’t respond as I felt weird to know when to chat or not.

On Friday, the day of the proposed date she messaged and asked if we are still meeting. I was busy all day with work/exams, however, I was put off as she had already indicated she wasn’t in the right headspace and also I could see by her message our communication styles are different, so not sure why she even wanted to meet. I hate the feeling of not knowing how something went or even having to write a post to question why something may have done something when only they could know!

Anyway, my question is two-fold. With the First Lady, I’m thinking to reach out, I feel quite offended as I took valuable time out of my exam preparation to take her out for dinner, which she said she enjoyed and then would like to meet again, yet has ghosted? I’m thinking to ask her why?

in terms of the Second Lady, I don’t want to meet her, as it’s clear we won’t click and I’m not sure why someone would even want to go on a date in a self admitted ‘bad headspace’. How do I filter people out better?

A few weeks prior, I  had another woman who I only spoke to online, was talking with her and it was ok, I literally told her I’m going for football practice so I don’t want you to think I’ve disappeared. We messaged a few more times, then I didn’t check phone again till next morning. She was like I’m not sure what I said that you stopped responding, however, you could’ve just said you didn’t want to speak anymore. Blah blah blah, good luck with your dating. She sent this to me at 7-am!!. This lady had admitted she doesn’t look like her photos anymore ( why use them then?!) and other stuff. But even still, I didn’t ghost, I literally told her I was going to be away. 
 

What I am trying to say is, until recently I was quite patient, polite. I took silence as an answer. Never confronted anyone despite feeling ‘spurned’ without even a rejection. Never judged people’s issues.  But now I’m fed up, people are making their issues my problem before we have met. People are not even being polite enough to be honest about wanting to meet again or not. People are over sharing or being creepy and I’m feeling a bit lost and frustrated now with dating. Not sure what to do!?

 

[Gebidozo]

1 hour ago, Lamron300 said:

I am running into the same problems time and time again, so I must ask, is it me?

Yes.

 

1 hour ago, Lamron300 said:

Not sure what to do!?

Lighten up and stop being offended by normal things such as people not contacting you anymore when they don’t want to meet.

[Lamron300]

33 minutes ago, Gebidozo said:

Yes.

 

Lighten up and stop being offended by normal things such as people not contacting you anymore when they don’t want to meet.

How is it normal not to contact someone when they said they want to meet again? Don’t tell me to lighten up. 

[Sony12]

First date you had was normal. People poof on each other all the time in online dating. One thing to keep in mind is that in general the people you are wanting to talk to are usually getting messages from lots of other people as well. So in other words the people that individuals want to meet up with have options. She obviously has been on a lot of dates as she was good at making the time you spent together enjoyable. How much of it was genuine and how much of it was her just being nice only she really knows. In anycase she decided to stop messaging with you so you have your answer with that one.

In regards to the second date was it your decision to move to WhatsApp or was it hers. Whatsapp is what a lot of the scammers like to use and in general if you have people asking you on dating apps to move things to Whatsapp there is a very good chance a good number of them will be scammers.

So in other words don't move things to Whatsapp. Either keep the conversation on the dating app or exchange regular phone numbers and if they insist on moving things to Whatsapp stop talking to them.

[Lamron300]

49 minutes ago, Sony12 said:

First date you had was normal. People poof on each other all the time in online dating. One thing to keep in mind is that in general the people you are wanting to talk to are usually getting messages from lots of other people as well. So in other words the people that individuals want to meet up with have options. She obviously has been on a lot of dates as she was good at making the time you spent together enjoyable. How much of it was genuine and how much of it was her just being nice only she really knows. In anycase she decided to stop messaging with you so you have your answer with that one.

EducationalResources

 

In regards to the second date was it your decision to move to WhatsApp or was it hers. Whatsapp is what a lot of the scammers like to use and in general if you have people asking you on dating apps to move things to Whatsapp there is a very good chance a good number of them will be scammers.

So in other words don't move things to Whatsapp. Either keep the conversation on the dating app or exchange regular phone numbers and if they insist on moving things to Whatsapp stop talking to them.

But why wouldn’t she just say I don’t want to go on another date, instead of saying yes sounds good? Now I just feel resentful. My only responses were to the questions she asked, I didn’t continue messaging as she didn’t respond to my answers to her questions. 
 

in terms of the Second Lady, I asked for her WhatsApp. It’s a common way of communicating here in the UK.

[Sony12]

23 minutes ago, Lamron300 said:

But why wouldn’t she just say I don’t want to go on another date, instead of saying yes sounds good? Now I just feel resentful. My only responses were to the questions she asked, I didn’t continue messaging as she didn’t respond to my answers to her questions. 
 

in terms of the Second Lady, I asked for her WhatsApp. It’s a common way of communicating here in the UK.

Because she doesn't want to create any controversy. There are a lot of people (especially men) on these apps who don't handle rejection very well. Sure it would be nice to give someone a straight forward answer as to why they don't want to communicate anymore but when it's someone they have only known for a few days it honestly is pointless. The lady is probably talking to lots of different men and is narrowing down her list all the time.

If you want to continue to chat on Whatsapp that is your choice but a lot of people probably will get a little suspicious and will likely lose interest in you a bit if you do. Nothing wrong with using Whatsapp per se but it is often one of the first things scammers suggest so if you do keep on suggesting it you will likely give people an immediate poor impression of you more then you would wish.

Edited 7 hours ago by Sony12

[ExpatInItaly]

20 minutes ago, Sony12 said:

If you want to continue to chat on Whatsapp that is your choice but a lot of people probably will get a little suspicious and will likely lose interest in you a bit if you do.

No, not if you are in the UK or most of Europe. 

Are you in North America? If so, I see why you view it this way since WA is not widely used in the US or Canada. Across the pond in the UK or  here in continental Europe, it's essentially the universal standard for daily communicaiton, much more so than any other messaging app. I can't recall the last time I used anything else, apart from FB Messenger from time to time. It's highly unlikey to make another Brit or European suspicious or cause them to lose interest. It would be weird if it did, frankly. It's how much of continent sends and receives messages and calls. 

4 hours ago, Lamron300 said:

she asked me how my exam was? I responded and then haven’t heard back since Wednesday. 

What did you respond with? 

Edited 6 hours ago by ExpatInItaly

[ExpatInItaly]

double-post

 

Edited 6 hours ago by ExpatInItaly

[ShyViolet]

4 hours ago, Lamron300 said:

With the First Lady, I’m thinking to reach out, I feel quite offended as I took valuable time out of my exam preparation to take her out for dinner, which she said she enjoyed and then would like to meet again, yet has ghosted?

 

I don't think it's fair to say she "ghosted" you, just because you haven't talked in a few days.  You are jumping to conclusions.  Why don't you try texting her again, and don't make small talk, just ask her if she'd like to go out for a second date.  If she doesn't reply, or if she gives you some vague dismissive answer, then you'll know she's not interested and don't message her again.

With the second lady, since you got a slightly bad vibe from her and she was saying some weird things, you already know that there's not much potential with her so just don't waste your time.

I think in general you are way overthinking all this.  This is all pretty normal stuff that you will run into when you get back into the dating world and use dating apps.  People tend to be flaky, most people won't be a match and you have to meet a lot of people and go on a lot of first dates before you might find someone who there is real potential with for a relationship.

[Sony12]

12 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

No, not if you are in the UK or most of Europe. 

Are you in North America? If so, I see why you view it this way since WA is not widely used in the US or Canada. Across the pond in the UK or  here in continental Europe, it's essentially the universal standard for daily communicaiton, much more so than any other messaging app. I can't recall the last time I used anything else, apart from FB Messenger from time to time. It's highly unlikey to make another Brit or European suspicious or cause them to lose interest. It would be weird if it did, frankly. It's how much of continent sends and receives messages and calls. 

 

Yes I live in the U.S. And yes here online folk asking to move to WhatsApp is highly suspicious. 

[ExpatInItaly]

13 minutes ago, Sony12 said:

Yes I live in the U.S. And yes here online folk asking to move to WhatsApp is highly suspicious. 

Yes, that's my point. For an American in the US, it's suspicious.

But our OP is neither American nor based in the US. The same perception of  WA doesn't apply here as it is indeed the daily standard messgaing tool for almost everyone over here. He's all good there.

 

Edited 6 hours ago by ExpatInItaly

[Sony12]

15 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Yes, that's my point. For an American in the US, it's suspicious.

But our OP is neither American nor based in the US. The same perception of  WA doesn't apply here as it is indeed the daily standard messgaing tool for almost everyone over here. He's all good there.

 

Yeah here people just text through their regular phone numbers. Most phone plans have unlimited domestic texting built into their monthly bills. Is texting a lot more expensive over there?

[Lamron300]

1 hour ago, ExpatInItaly said:

No, not if you are in the UK or most of Europe. 

Are you in North America? If so, I see why you view it this way since WA is not widely used in the US or Canada. Across the pond in the UK or  here in continental Europe, it's essentially the universal standard for daily communicaiton, much more so than any other messaging app. I can't recall the last time I used anything else, apart from FB Messenger from time to time. It's highly unlikey to make another Brit or European suspicious or cause them to lose interest. It would be weird if it did, frankly. It's how much of continent sends and receives messages and calls. 

What did you respond with? 

I responded with how my exams went, asked how about the award dinner she was at and complimented her nails as she gets them done every 3 weeks. 
 

Now I’m thinking about it, she said things on the date I’m now thinking were a lie. She says she barely uses WhatsApp (she has two phones, one for work and one for personal). I’m thinking this was her pre-cursor to ghosting, so I wouldn’t feel offended at her not replying. She hasn’t responded since Wednesday. We are now at Saturday. I don’t believe she hasn’t had ten seconds to respond. I will message her tonight saying 

"I enjoyed meeting you and took you at your word when you said you'd like to meet again. Given that I haven't heard from you for several days, I'm assuming that's no longer the case. That's absolutely fine, but I would have appreciated you being straightforward rather than leaving things hanging. All the best."

 

[Lamron300]

1 hour ago, ShyViolet said:

I don't think it's fair to say she "ghosted" you, just because you haven't talked in a few days.  You are jumping to conclusions.  Why don't you try texting her again, and don't make small talk, just ask her if she'd like to go out for a second date.  If she doesn't reply, or if she gives you some vague dismissive answer, then you'll know she's not interested and don't message her again.

With the second lady, since you got a slightly bad vibe from her and she was saying some weird things, you already know that there's not much potential with her so just don't waste your time.

I think in general you are way overthinking all this.  This is all pretty normal stuff that you will run into when you get back into the dating world and use dating apps.  People tend to be flaky, most people won't be a match and you have to meet a lot of people and go on a lot of first dates before you might find someone who there is real potential with for a relationship.

Dating& Personals

 

The thing is, I’m not expecting to take shortcuts, I understand dating takes time. I don’t even mind flat out rejection, it’s something the human brain can understand. I just don’t understand why people can’t be forthright. She last responded on Wednesday, it is now Saturday. I don’t believe she hasn’t had 15 seconds to message. Especially as I know she’s been off work since Friday? 
 

I quit dating as I was feeling resentful, as I don’t have the same morals as a lot of the people I was meeting. I also want to have agency in who I meet, I’m not nosy and don’t judge, but the second woman was weird (in my opinion). She would over share in some aspects and offered a date 6/7 days away, yet felt overwhelmed by minimal small talk (which she said she was enjoying). Even ChatGpt said that even if she felt we were ‘messaging too much’, she could have said ‘ I’m a bit tied up at the moment, why don’t we save the talking for Friday? Looking forward to it’. Instead she put me off and said she was not in the right head space and we were talking too much and about her medication change. I’m having more of this kind of experience than good experiences, I must be doing something wrong. 

[Sony12]

20 minutes ago, Lamron300 said:

 I will message her tonight saying 

"I enjoyed meeting you and took you at your word when you said you'd like to meet again. Given that I haven't heard from you for several days, I'm assuming that's no longer the case. That's absolutely fine, but I would have appreciated you being straightforward rather than leaving things hanging. All the best."

In all honesty it's best to just let it go without responding at all. You two only talked for a few days and met once.

Don't try to turn her into the bad guy when she isn't doing anything different then 90% of other people on these apps do. If that type of behavior is difficult for you to accept then online dating probably isn't the best thing for you to be doing.

[Gebidozo]

4 hours ago, Lamron300 said:

How is it normal not to contact someone when they said they want to meet again?

It’s just normal. People do that all the time. I’m very surprised that you don’t know that. There are many different reasons for that. Maybe she changed her mind, maybe she met someone else. Maybe things looked different to her after she cooled off from the date. Maybe she was just being polite when she said she wanted to meet again.

There was a whole episode of “Friends” about those things. Chandler went on several dates with a woman, didn’t like her, but still told her he wanted to meet her again each time. He was just unable to say “no”.

 

4 hours ago, Lamron300 said:

Don’t tell me to lighten up. 

Okay, I won’t tell you to lighten up.

[Lamron300]

9 minutes ago, Gebidozo said:

It’s just normal. People do that all the time. I’m very surprised that you don’t know that. There are many different reasons for that. Maybe she changed her mind, maybe she met someone else. Maybe things looked different to her after she cooled off from the date. Maybe she was just being polite when she said she wanted to meet again.

There was a whole episode of “Friends” about those things. Chandler went on several dates with a woman, didn’t like her, but still told her he wanted to meet her again each time. He was just unable to say “no”.

 

Okay, I won’t tell you to lighten up.

People steal and lie all the time, doesn’t make it right? I had a very busy week with exams everyday, I arranged a dinner (she asked me to find a place, whole premise was to teach me chopsticks). I paid for the dinner and spent 3 hours of my time with her the day before an exam. I’m not entitled to another date or forcing another date, I just wanted to know either way. 

[Sony12]

28 minutes ago, Lamron300 said:

People steal and lie all the time, doesn’t make it right? I had a very busy week with exams everyday, I arranged a dinner (she asked me to find a place, whole premise was to teach me chopsticks). I paid for the dinner and spent 3 hours of my time with her the day before an exam. I’m not entitled to another date or forcing another date, I just wanted to know either way. 

 

That's not a her problem. That is a you problem. That is you not really having your priorities in order. Why are you putting so much focus on meeting new women right before you have a big exam? If she was someone you had been dating for awhile then sure. But she was someone you had just sent a few messages to on an app.

And if money is tight for you right now you shouldn't be spending a lot of money on meeting women for the first time anyways. You should just be having coffee dates with them where you only spend a few bucks.

[introverted1]

8 hours ago, Lamron300 said:

As soon as she got home she thanked me for a lovely evening. I was playing it cool and saying in my head I won’t message till she messaged so was surprised she messsged so quickly. I responded and said I had a lovely evening too, would like to see you again sometime, she said sounds good, me too. Wasn’t a ringing endorsement, but I thought maybe just her communication style. Exchanged a few more messages and she asked me how my exam was? I responded and then haven’t heard back since Wednesday. 

Did you actually ever ask her out?  No one wants to chit chat through text all week.  Once you said you'd like to see her again and she concurred, that was your cue to set up a place and time. It sounds as though she was quite interested initially -- she messaged you right after the date and agreed to seeing you again.  How much more green-lighting do you need?

ETA:  I don't think she ghosted you. I think she determined that you are a time-waster.  You mentioned a second date but never followed through.  Instead, it seems you wanted to "talk" in text instead.  I'd have stopped responding, too.

As for woman #2, you should have either gone on the date or not, but all this over-thinking and analysing before you've even met the person is just nuts. Quit second-guessing the meaning of everything the other person says.  Make a date, meet up, then assess in person.

Edited 2 hours ago by introverted1

[Lamron300]

4 minutes ago, introverted1 said:

Did you actually ever ask her out?  No one wants to chit chat through text all week.  Once you said you'd like to see her again and she concurred, that was your cue to set up a place and time. It sounds as though she was quite interested initially -- she messaged you right after the date and agreed to seeing you again.  How much more green-lighting do you need?

ETA:  I don't think she ghosted you. I think she determined that you are a time-waster.  You mentioned a second date but never followed through.  Instead, it seems you wanted to "talk" in text instead.  I'd have stopped responding, too.

As for woman #2, you should have either gone on the date or not, but all this over-thinking and analysing before you've even met the person is just nuts. Quit second-guessing the meaning of everything the other person says.  Make a date, meet up, then assess in person.

No, I won’t meet a woman who has already admitted she isn’t in the right headspace, that would be setting myself up to fail. My question wasn’t if I should have met her, it is how to filter people out better. I am not giving people with self admitted issues, chances anymore. I’m not here to provide a mental crutch. I didn’t owe her anything as we hadn’t even met. I’m not going to guess when it’s ok to talk or not or when she’s in the right headspace or not.

in terms of the first woman, what more can I say apart from would love to see you again sometime! To first gauge her thoughts and then to lay up a meeting. I don’t think you really believe she thought because my best message wasn’t ok great, when are you free? That she thought I was time wasting. Or I wouldn’t have even asked to meet again. Why are you condoning ghosting and gaslighting me?

 

 

[Sony12]

3 minutes ago, Lamron300 said:

No, I won’t meet a woman who has already admitted she isn’t in the right headspace, that would be setting myself up to fail. My question wasn’t if I should have met her, it is how to filter people out better. I am not giving people with self admitted issues, chances anymore. I’m not here to provide a mental crutch. I didn’t owe her anything as we hadn’t even met. I’m not going to guess when it’s ok to talk or not or when she’s in the right headspace or not.

in terms of the first woman, what more can I say apart from would love to see you again sometime! To first gauge her thoughts and then to lay up a meeting. I don’t think you really believe she thought because my best message wasn’t ok great, when are you free? That she thought I was time wasting. Or I wouldn’t have even asked to meet again. Why are you condoning ghosting and gaslighting me?

Romance

 

 

 

Just out of curiosity are you this defensive when you talk to people in real life?

[Lamron300]

2 minutes ago, Sony12 said:

Just out of curiosity are you this defensive when you talk to people in real life?

Depends on who and what the topic is.

[Sony12]

2 minutes ago, Lamron300 said:

Depends on who and what the topic is.

Well if you make verbal accusations towards people in real life right to their face like you are doing here to people within this thread then most people will be done talking to you pretty quickly.

Maybe you shouldn't be dating right now if you are this insecure.

[Lamron300]

3 minutes ago, Sony12 said:

Well if you make verbal accusations towards people in real life right to their face like you are doing here to people within this thread then most people will be done talking to you pretty quickly.

Maybe you shouldn't be dating right now if you are this insecure.

Dating& Personals

 

It isn’t a verbal accusation, I don’t mind someone have their opinion, but I won’t accept gaslighting or being told I’m a time waster for not immediately asking ‘when’ to a date after I’d already asked her out. Then if I asked her out straight away and she still ghosted, people would say as I’m too keen!

My question was two/fold. How to filter people out better? And how to deal with the first situation as I’m not trying to convince her for a second date, I just want clarity. 

[Sony12]

28 minutes ago, Lamron300 said:

It isn’t a verbal accusation, I don’t mind someone have their opinion, but I won’t accept gaslighting or being told I’m a time waster for not immediately asking ‘when’ to a date after I’d already asked her out. Then if I asked her out straight away and she still ghosted, people would say as I’m too keen!

My question was two/fold. How to filter people out better? And how to deal with the first situation as I’m not trying to convince her for a second date, I just want clarity. 

 

And your answer is that if you have problems with this type of behavior you probably shouldn't be spending much time on the apps. As that type of behavior is the norm and viewed as completely acceptable when you have just started talking to someone.

She had only known you existed for a few days at that point in time. She didn't owe you an explanation for why she decided to quit talking to you.  If you don't like that then you need to find different avenues to meet people where they aren't absolute strangers to each other.