Flaky Date

[FredEire]

3 minutes ago, Sony12 said:

And if she is truly that busy that is what she should be saying. She should be being far more specific then just 'I'm real busy'

 Her choosing not to be specific is still a red flag and should make you question if she is just this way in general.

Yeah I mean people don't always put thought into how the other person will interpret something but often when they don't ints because it's not all that important to them.

[Gaeta]

Don't focus on the fact she was engaging during your date. I was engaging with everyone I met on a date even if I was not interested in dating them, it's just who I am. Even my work parking lot supervisor thought I had a thing for him because I was chatty and I get interested in people. 

Think of it that way, even if she was interested in you, would you really want to date someone that cannot communicate clearly, that cannot offer basic courtesy. 

If I were you I would pass. 

 

[Alpacalia]

Someone that you had 1-2 dates with should not be occupying your mind.

Edited March 22 by Alpacalia

[Sony12]

Just now, FredEire said:

Yeah I mean people don't always put thought into how the other person will interpret something but often when they don't ints because it's not all that important to them.

Exactly. I would imagine if she is being that distant than dating probably isn't that important to her in general or she has multiple options and isn't worried about the ones that she doesn't like the most.

[Gaeta]

Just now, Alpacalia said:

Someone that you had one date with should not be occupying your mind.

That's not true 🙂

I am sure you went on dates and one of them had a bigger impact on you and you found yourself hoping he'd call again.

[Alpacalia]

Just now, Gaeta said:

That's not true 🙂

I am sure you went on dates and one of them had a bigger impact on you and you found yourself hoping he'd call again.

No. Four dates? Yes.... 🙃

[FredEire]

3 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

Don't focus on the fact she was engaging during your date. I was engaging with everyone I met on a date even if I was not interested in dating them, it's just who I am. Even my work parking lot supervisor thought I had a thing for him because I was chatty and I get interested in people. 

Think of it that way, even if she was interested in you, would you really want to date someone that cannot communicate clearly, that cannot offer basic courtesy. 

If I were you I would pass. 

 

I mean we kissed, held hands so there was definitely some level of interest but I take your point.

[FredEire]

3 minutes ago, Alpacalia said:

Someone that you had 1-2 dates with should not be occupying your mind.

Don't worry if it doesn't work out it's no biggie. I got on with her and the date was good but I'm not head over heels infatuated, just curious to see what the boards thought of the situation.

[FredEire]

3 minutes ago, Sony12 said:

Exactly. I would imagine if she is being that distant than dating probably isn't that important to her in general or she has multiple options and isn't worried about the ones that she doesn't like the most.

Yeah I get the impression she's very caught up in her job and is somewhat half heartedly trying to fit dating into her life. She told me she had a fairly traumatic breakup with a guy she was together with years as well so her heart may not be fully in it.

[Gaeta]

1 minute ago, FredEire said:

I mean we kissed, held hands so there was definitely some level of interest but I take your point.

OH I have done that too, it's called getting caught in the moment, then went home and changed my mind about the guy. 

[Gaeta]

2 minutes ago, FredEire said:

She told me she had a fairly traumatic breakup with a guy she was together with years as well so her heart may not be fully in it.

Bingo

[Alpacalia]

6 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

OH I have done that too, it's called getting caught in the moment, then went home and changed my mind about the guy. 

I have not been in a situation where we kissed/held hands and I then just changed my mind. If we've gone that far, it's because I've already decided on going further. And at that stage a reason would have to be significant/serious for me to change my mind.

But, now that this is coming to the forefront, "She told me she had a fairly traumatic breakup with a guy she was together with years" - she has told you the root of the problem. Still, I dislike how she initially said she would not be able to make your first date and had you waiting around for her. I'm glad that you chose to respond that you went home rather than waiting for her all night if she showed up. At this point, 2 good dates and 'impossible to make arrangements' that leaves you in limbo.

 

[FredEire]

1 hour ago, Alpacalia said:

I have not been in a situation where we kissed/held hands and I then just changed my mind. If we've gone that far, it's because I've already decided on going further. And at that stage a reason would have to be significant/serious for me to change my mind.

But, now that this is coming to the forefront, "She told me she had a fairly traumatic breakup with a guy she was together with years" - she has told you the root of the problem. Still, I dislike how she initially said she would not be able to make your first date and had you waiting around for her. I'm glad that you chose to respond that you went home rather than waiting for her all night if she showed up. At this point, 2 good dates and 'impossible to make arrangements' that leaves you in limbo.

 

Yep, again all this is stuff I strongly suspect is true. I really need to listen to my gut more, it rarely lets me down.

[ShyViolet]

If she's this impossible to make plans with and this busy all the time then she's not ready for a relationship.  I would have no patience for this, especially for someone I've only been on 2 dates with.  I'd move on.

[Lotsgoingon]

Definitely move on. If someone is busy AND they are interested, they will

• Spell out in detail what is occupying them
   
• Tell you very specifically when they will be available (not "next week" but next week the 28th and 29th) 
   
• If they can't predict when they will be available, they will explain why to you in detail. They will talk not just about "my job" but exactly the task on the job and why the hours are nuts and how long these long hours will last.
  .
• And they will make clear they are thinking of you and had a great time with you in the gap between when they can meet you. 

Does she check all those boxes? If not, move on. Right now you are in a waiting game--that's not where you want to be and if people are really interested in us, they don't leave us hanging and waiting. They don't. They'd be too afraid that you'll get together with someone else. 

 

Edited March 23 by Lotsgoingon

[Wiseman2]

Flaky seems like a red flag. No one is too busy for what they're interested in. 

[FredEire]

20 hours ago, Sony12 said:

If she's not specifying that tax season is real busy then she is still doing a lousy job of communicating with these guys and probably still has a bit of an 'I don't care' attitude.

A lot of people have jobs that make them busy but that still doesn't keep them from going on dates with people they enjoy being around 

Yep. In my experience if someone is generally sighing and saying how stressful and busy their life is they're not all that interested in reality, as they don't care about being perceived negatively or as unavailable.

Whenever someone's had a strong interest it's been all sunshine and roses and when are you free I can't wait to see you, even though they may have been working a lot of having a hard time in reality.

[Sony12]

5 minutes ago, FredEire said:

Yep. In my experience if someone is generally sighing and saying how stressful and busy their life is they're not all that interested in reality, as they don't care about being perceived negatively or as unavailable.

Whenever someone's had a strong interest it's been all sunshine and roses and when are you free I can't wait to see you, even though they may have been working a lot of having a hard time in reality.

Yep. As my mom told me back in the day when I was in college and going through all that drama that college boy/girl relationships are. She said when people are interested it's not difficult. Not difficult to plan dates. Not difficult to get a hold of them.....etc....etc....

How old is this lady by the way? Is she in her 20's. If so she very well may just be looking to get attention from men at this point in time. 

[FredEire]

2 minutes ago, Sony12 said:

Yep. As my mom told me back in the day when I was in college and going through all that drama that college boy/girl relationships are. She said when people are interested it's not difficult. Not difficult to plan dates. Not difficult to get a hold of them.....etc....etc....

How old is this lady by the way? Is she in her 20's. If so she very well may just be looking to get attention from men at this point in time. 

Yeah several people have told me that. My issue is when it's easy I generally don't have a lot of interest myself, I go for emotionally unavailable people. It's nice when it mutually clicks but it's a rare occurrence for me. As you say through usually when there's big doubts there's a good reason they're there.

Nope she's 33. Doesn't mean you're wrong though. Social media seems to have lowered maturity levels.

[Sony12]

10 minutes ago, FredEire said:

Yeah several people have told me that. My issue is when it's easy I generally don't have a lot of interest myself, I go for emotionally unavailable people. It's nice when it mutually clicks but it's a rare occurrence for me. As you say through usually when there's big doubts there's a good reason they're there.

Nope she's 33. Doesn't mean you're wrong though. Social media seems to have lowered maturity levels.

Yeah even if she's just a few years out of her 20's it still doesn't mean that she hasn't decided to become a little more settled down yet. And she very likely still might be hung up on her ex. That's one of the reasons I largely stopped talking to women my own age and younger and started focusing more on older women who were usually over all their past relationships is because I found myself often saying to myself while talking to a young lady on these sites is that 'she doesn't need a boyfriend. She needs a therapist'.

It's also normal to be a little more attracted to the ones that don't make themselves completely available to us because they don't seem nearly as needy as the ones who do. After all someone who wants to spend all day long talking to you can be just as bad in the opposite sense as what you are experiencing with this lady.

[FredEire]

6 minutes ago, Sony12 said:

Yeah even if she's just a few years out of her 20's it still doesn't mean that she hasn't decided to become a little more settled down yet. And she very likely still might be hung up on her ex. That's one of the reasons I largely stopped talking to women my own age and younger and started focusing more on older women who were usually over all their past relationships is because I found myself often saying to myself while talking to a young lady on these sites is that 'she doesn't need a boyfriend. She needs a therapist'.

It's also normal to be a little more attracted to the ones that don't make themselves completely available to us because they don't seem nearly as needy as the ones who do. After all someone who wants to spend all day long talking to you can be just as bad in the opposite sense as what you are experiencing with this lady.

Yeah exactly. She had to kick him out of the flat they shared together, it sounded rough. A lot of people end up on the apps also because they think "hm I really need to get over this and put myself out there again", before they're really emotionally ready to.

Oh I know, you want what you can't have, a tale as old as time. I've also had a number of situations where girl wanted to see me every other day and seemed extremely upset if I wasn't up for it. Ideally you'd want to see them every other day also, but it often doesn't work like that, which is why I think it's better to go a bit slower at the beginning, though not at a snails pace as in this case.

[Alpacalia]

1 hour ago, FredEire said:

Yeah several people have told me that. My issue is when it's easy I generally don't have a lot of interest myself, I go for emotionally unavailable people. 

If this is true then you're going to have to get over this self-defeating nonsense where you insist on chasing unavailable people, and re-prioritize your romantic needs so that they're lower down on your list of priorities.

Edited March 23 by Alpacalia

[ZA Dater]

On 3/22/2024 at 6:59 PM, FredEire said:

Yeah I get the impression she's very caught up in her job and is somewhat half heartedly trying to fit dating into her life. She told me she had a fairly traumatic breakup with a guy she was together with years as well so her heart may not be fully in it.

Here I think may be the problem she is probably recovering from that and might not be totally over him hence the sporadic communication and the difficulty in meeting up. Maybe she is trying to figure out how to move on, this sort of ties with the kissing and holding hands, maybe she is hesitant to move on at this point.

You need to determine how much of a connection you feel with her.

[FredEire]

4 hours ago, Alpacalia said:

If this is true then you're going to have to get over this self-defeating nonsense where you insist on chasing unavailable people, and re-prioritize your romantic needs so that they're lower down on your list of priorities.

It's true, but to some extent you are attracted to who you are attracted to and the unavailability doesn't become apparent immediately. I have made a few breakthroughs recently in therapy that explains a lot and I think re-assessing what I am comfortable with and what I expect in a relationship is the way forward. Sometimes due to trauma you crave something that is not productive or healthy as this is what you grew up experiencing.

[Alpacalia]

On 3/23/2024 at 12:47 PM, FredEire said:

It's true, but to some extent you are attracted to who you are attracted to and the unavailability doesn't become apparent immediately. I have made a few breakthroughs recently in therapy that explains a lot and I think re-assessing what I am comfortable with and what I expect in a relationship is the way forward. Sometimes due to trauma you crave something that is not productive or healthy as this is what you grew up experiencing.

Oh no. I wasn't implying this is something that is limited to you. It's rather common.

I've had the self-awareness to keep track of my own stupid choices.

I was just offering that advice bluntly since, as you know, its something that takes time to get past and one way to avoid it is to not continue pursuing connections where the woman is not making herself available.

If you're the one doing the pursuing and its too easy, you've probably encountered some weird outlier of a nice person whose kindness you're not accustomed to. Doesn't mean she's necessarily what you think she is or that she's NOT closed off emotionally but in general, if there's just one person doing the pursuing and they're doing it because the other person disengaged, it's probably a huge waste of time that isn't going to go anywhere.