Flaky Date

[FredEire]

So I've been talking to this girl for a while now, we originally matched on Tinder and agreed to meet up on a certain day. When the day arrived she advised me she had a lot of work and might not be able to make it, I took this as a no essentially and got on with my day, but when the time arrived she texted asking if I was still around. I replied I had gone home as it sounded like she wasn't available.

A bit of a red flag maybe in hindsight and perhaps I should have left it there but a few days later we were talking on Instagram and agreed to meet again. This time she showed up and we had a pretty good time, going to a comedy show. We stayed on a while after the show and it didn't seem like she wanted to leave.

A few days later I was doing an open mic event, I only mentioned it in passing but she asked me if she should go as she'd really like to see me, again she came to the show and we had a good time.

Since then though it's been impossible to arrange another meetup, she only seems to talk about how impossibly busy she is and how she has mountains of work to do or such and such an event is going on if I suggest to meet up. A theme I've noticed as well is that she often sees messages when I send them but always takes hours to reply.

Of course she could be genuinely very busy, I have no doubt that she is, but some of this seems to be at least partly disinterest? I got a gut feeling at the beginning which I probably should have listened to, but what's confusing is the dates we did go on went really well and she seemed really interested and engaged.

The latest thing is she's too busy to meet this weekend and is going home for a week on Thursday so probably won't see her for the next couple of weeks at least.

Thoughts? Delete and move on?

Edited March 22 by FredEire

[ZA Dater]

6 minutes ago, FredEire said:

So I've been talking to this girl for a while now, we originally matched on Tinder and agreed to meet up on a certain day. When the day arrived she advised me she had a lot of work and might not be able to make it, I took this as a no essentially and got on with my day, but when the time arrived she texted asking if I was still around. I replied I had gone home as it sounded like she wasn't available.

A bit of a red flag maybe in hindsight and perhaps I should have left it there but a few days later we were talking on Instagram and agreed to meet again. This time she showed up and we had a pretty good time, going to a comedy show. We stayed on a while after the show and it didn't seem like she wanted to leave.

A few days later I was doing an open mic event, I only mentioned it in passing but she asked me if she should go as she'd really like to see me, again she came to the show and we had a good time.

Since then though it's been impossible to arrange another meetup, she only seems to talk about how impossibly busy she is and how she has mountains of work to do or such and such an event is going on if I suggest to meet up. A theme I've noticed as well is that she often sees messages when I send them but always takes hours to reply.

Of course she could be genuinely very busy, I have no doubt that she is, but some of this seems to be at least partly disinterest? I got a gut feeling at the beginning which I probably should have listened to, but what's confusing is the dates we did go on went really well and she seemed really interested and engaged.

The latest thing is she's too busy to meet this weekend and is going home for a week on Thursday so probably won't see her for the next couple of weeks at least.

Thoughts? Delete and move on?

I would not delete and move on because it sounds to me that the actual dates were good and you enjoyed her company. That is a definite win in my opinion. The inherent problem here is the confusion between her being busy and taking long to reply. It sends strange signals which are very hard to interpret.

For what its worth I can relate to this.

My thinking would be and this is extremely easy to say but very difficult to do...give her some time and see what happens, keep in contact, try ignore the delayed response because if she is engaged when she does respond it would imply that the delay is not intentional. If the responses are short and brief then you maybe need to look at this another way.

[FredEire]

6 minutes ago, ZA Dater said:

I would not delete and move on because it sounds to me that the actual dates were good and you enjoyed her company. That is a definite win in my opinion. The inherent problem here is the confusion between her being busy and taking long to reply. It sends strange signals which are very hard to interpret.

For what its worth I can relate to this.

My thinking would be and this is extremely easy to say but very difficult to do...give her some time and see what happens, keep in contact, try ignore the delayed response because if she is engaged when she does respond it would imply that the delay is not intentional. If the responses are short and brief then you maybe need to look at this another way.

I see your point. May not be disinterested but rather just workaholic and married to her job, either way thats not something that's going to work in terms of continuing to date, and I don't get the impression she's looking for something casual. I have to value my own time rather than waiting around to see which rare occasions someone is available.

Edited March 22 by FredEire

[ZA Dater]

1 minute ago, FredEire said:

I see your point. May not be disinterested but rather just workaholic and married to her job, either way thats not something that's going to work in terms of continuing to date, and I don't get the impression she's looking for something casual.

I think probably better to initially give her the benefit of the doubt and see how things go when she gets back. I think by doing that you can be more decisive as to how you want to move forward with her or take a pass and keep looking.

[Sony12]

From my experience when people say they are really really busy they are just preparing ready made excuses in case they don't want to come or have other plans.

In general when people are really interested in you it doesn't matter how busy they are. They will make time for you. Wouldn't be surprised if this gal is hanging out with multiple people and is saying she is busy because it's an easy excuse to cancel or flat out decline an invitation.

Edited March 22 by Sony12

[FredEire]

12 minutes ago, Sony12 said:

From my experience when people say they are really really busy they are just preparing ready made excuses in case they don't want to come or have other plans.

In general when people are really interested in you it doesn't matter how busy they are. They will make time for you. Wouldn't be surprised if this gal is hanging out with multiple people and is saying she is busy because it's an easy excuse to cancel or flat out decline an invitation.

Yeah exactly my thoughts. I'm often extremely busy as well and my job involves a lot of tiring hands on work with people. I can still at least take an hour out of my weekend to have a coffee or something.

Seems like a bad sign in general to just be complaining about how busy you are, it's what I catch myself saying if I'm losing interest as well. Surely it should be trying to find a gap and talking about how excited you are to meet up again.

I'm just thinking about how to proceed, I guess just a simple ok and pass the ball back to her if she wants to make an effort when she returns from her time off.

Edited March 22 by FredEire

[Sony12]

2 minutes ago, FredEire said:

Yeah exactly my thoughts. I'm often extremely busy as well and my job involves a lot of tiring hands on work with people. I can still at least take an hour out of my weekend to have a coffee or something.

Seems like a bad sign in general to just be complaining about how busy you are, it's what I catch myself saying if I'm losing interest as well. Surely it should be trying to find a gap and talking about how excited you are to meet up again.

True. You are also on Tinder though so your expectations for finding a consistent dating partner there should be relatively low. You said you don't think she is looking for anything casual and that very likely is probably true in terms of sex. However she also very well may not be looking for an actual relationship either. 

[FredEire]

2 minutes ago, Sony12 said:

True. You are also on Tinder though so your expectations for finding a consistent dating partner there should be relatively low. You said you don't think she is looking for anything casual and that very likely is probably true in terms of sex. However she also very well may not be looking for an actual relationship either. 

True. I'm not looking for a penpal or beer buddy either though so if that's what she wants she'll have to look somewhere else.

I guess if we meet again I can just flat out ask and if she gives a flaky answer just leave it there.

[Sony12]

15 minutes ago, FredEire said:

True. I'm not looking for a penpal or beer buddy either though so if that's what she wants she'll have to look somewhere else.

I guess if we meet again I can just flat out ask and if she gives a flaky answer just leave it there.

Yep and if she acts flaky just wish her a good rest of the night but that you two aren't looking for the same thing and get up and leave (pay for her drink or food though).

[Alpacalia]

I would just leave it. If she makes more of an effort to spend time with you in the future, then maybe try again. No need for heavy speeches.

Edited March 22 by Alpacalia

[FredEire]

Yeah I think all good advice from you guys so far. It's just a bit annoying because the dates went really well and I was quite hopeful of something developing but as @Sony12 said it's really common in online dating, people looking for a bit of a rush or distraction rather than genuine interest. I find it happens to me a lot also unfortunately.

Oh well, we'll see what happens.

[FredEire]

Another lesson I probably need to take is to go with initial gut feeling. It seems to be right so often.

[Alpacalia]

If it happens once (flaky date), that's understandable. Stuff happens. Depending on the circumstances, you might even give her a pass on putting your foot down. If it occurs a second time, though, it’s time to lay the law down... A lengthy lecture, not necessary, thank her for her time but you're no longer interested. End of conversation. Walk away.

When you just started talking to someone and they're already blowing it, it’s probably worth moving on sooner than later.

Edited March 22 by Alpacalia

[FredEire]

2 minutes ago, Alpacalia said:

If it happens once (flaky date), that's understandable. Things happen. Depending on the circumstances, you might even give her a pass on putting your foot down. If it occurs a second time, though, it’s time to lay the law down. A lengthy lecture, not necessary, thank her for her time but you're no longer interested. End of conversation. Walk away.

When you just started talking to someone and they're already blowing it, it’s probably worth moving on sooner than later.

Yeah, I'm referring to how she was very wishy-washy when we originally arranged to meet, and then texted me asking me where I was as if I'd be hanging around waiting for her. It didn't show respect for my time.

[BreakOnThrough]

Put her on the back burner and keep dating other people, women are like cats, ignore them for a while and they come back around when you aren't thinking about them.

[Alpacalia]

6 minutes ago, FredEire said:

Yeah, I'm referring to how she was very wishy-washy when we originally arranged to meet, and then texted me asking me where I was as if I'd be hanging around waiting for her. It didn't show respect for my time.

I agree with you. I think there does need to be a certain amount of initial flexibility with dates but to leave you twisting in the wind after she initially said she might not make it is not great manners. 

[ZA Dater]

1 hour ago, FredEire said:

Yeah I think all good advice from you guys so far. It's just a bit annoying because the dates went really well and I was quite hopeful of something developing but as @Sony12 said it's really common in online dating, people looking for a bit of a rush or distraction rather than genuine interest. I find it happens to me a lot also unfortunately.

Oh well, we'll see what happens.

I truly us an awful feeling but having said that I think you can be happy you did everything you could do in this situation so there is some comfort in that. Do you have any other good options currently?

[FredEire]

25 minutes ago, ZA Dater said:

I truly us an awful feeling but having said that I think you can be happy you did everything you could do in this situation so there is some comfort in that. Do you have any other good options currently?

Yeah I'm currently seeing a couple of other people including a FWB situation so I'm not desperate or anything, which is good.

I don't think I did anything wrong in particular, no. As I said from our text interactions before we even met up she seems to have a tendency to be a bit like this, for whatever reason.

As @BreakOnThrough said there's a bit of a push/pull effect so I think the best option is not to be very available if she's not being available to me and see how she reacts.

Edited March 22 by FredEire

[Gaeta]

Is she an accountant? This is their busiest time of the year and I mean super busy. They work till late each night and on weekends as well. It's not like she can just up and go. At least it's just during tax season. What does she do for work?

[FredEire]

10 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

Is she an accountant? This is their busiest time of the year and I mean super busy. They work till late each night and on weekends as well. It's not like she can just up and go. At least it's just during tax season. What does she do for work?

Not an accountant but something in finance yes. Thanks, I wasn't aware of this.

Like I said, I don't doubt she's busy.

[Sony12]

19 minutes ago, FredEire said:

Not an accountant but something in finance yes. Thanks, I wasn't aware of this.

Like I said, I don't doubt she's busy.

I'm sure she is to some degree. However in my opinion the only legitimate excuse to put off dates like that is if they have young kids at home that they are taking care of. Even then though the ones who truly do want to get to know someone better will often find a way around it. It's the reason many women put dating on hold these days until their kids are older.

[Gaeta]

25 minutes ago, FredEire said:

Not an accountant but something in finance yes. Thanks, I wasn't aware of this.

Like I said, I don't doubt she's busy.

Same thing, maybe even busier as they handle huge accounts with financial investments. My sister in law worked in that field and disappeared during tax season.

That being said, if someone has their busiest biggest work load in March April they should put their profile on hold instead of wasting people's time.

[Sony12]

12 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

Same thing, maybe even busier as they handle huge accounts with financial investments. My sister in law worked in that field and disappeared during tax season.

That being said, if someone has their busiest biggest work load in March April they should put their profile on hold instead of wasting people's time.

If she's not specifying that tax season is real busy then she is still doing a lousy job of communicating with these guys and probably still has a bit of an 'I don't care' attitude.

A lot of people have jobs that make them busy but that still doesn't keep them from going on dates with people they enjoy being around 

Edited March 22 by Sony12

[FredEire]

13 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

Same thing, maybe even busier as they handle huge accounts with financial investments. My sister in law worked in that field and disappeared during tax season.

That being said, if someone has their busiest biggest work load in March April they should put their profile on hold instead of wasting people's time.

Yeah, it's easy for me to get the wrong end of the stick, not being a finance guy. I'd appreciate something like "sorry the next week is a nightmare because it's the busiest part of the year and then I'm away, but I'm super keen to see a movie with you when I'm back" or something to that effect. But I've just got the nightmare bit and it comes off low effort tbh.

[Sony12]

6 minutes ago, FredEire said:

Yeah, it's easy for me to get the wrong end of the stick, not being a finance guy. I'd appreciate something like "sorry the next week is a nightmare because it's the busiest part of the year and then I'm away, but I'm super keen to see a movie with you when I'm back" or something to that effect. But I've just got the nightmare bit and it comes off low effort tbh.

And if she is truly that busy that is what she should be saying. She should be being far more specific then just 'I'm real busy'

 Her choosing not to be specific is still a red flag and should make you question if she is just this way in general.

If you don't have problems getting attention from women on online dating than you don't need to put up with women who don't seem to care anymore than that.

Edited March 22 by Sony12