SlimShadysWife Posted August 21, 2023 Share Posted August 21, 2023 Making vacation plans with a spouse and then taking someone else shouldn't be over looked. Definitely disrespectful and a red flag. Especially when it was a particular place you planned together. She couldn't plan somewhere else? She's not really taking your feelings into consideration. Something in you is feeling uneasy. Don't downplay it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mattew Posted August 21, 2023 Author Share Posted August 21, 2023 42 minutes ago, SlimShadysWife said: Having a spouse make plans to go on a vacation with you and they end up taking someone else, not very nice.Yeah that sucks. How long is she on vacation? Well we were before on Cyprus for 10 beautiful days and this is only for 2 nights, but still it sucks it is the place I was going forward to go with her on a romantic trip and she sent me photos of room with double bed, you know it just make it worse... Link to post Share on other sites
Alpacalia Posted August 21, 2023 Share Posted August 21, 2023 I'm not sure why you failed to disclose that you were initially supposed to go on this trip with your wife. But then you mention she has more vacation time than you. Did you hope that she would cancel her trip on your behalf because you couldn't go? You aren't concerned that she is cheating. So, why are you concerned that a friend she has from school and her are sharing the same bed. Would you think it would be strange if they were sisters? Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted August 21, 2023 Share Posted August 21, 2023 11 minutes ago, Mattew said: Well we were before on Cyprus for 10 beautiful days and this is only for 2 nights, but still it sucks it is the place I was going forward to go with her on a romantic trip and she sent me photos of room with double bed, you know it just make it worse... This is a whole different situation and I understand why you are hurt. It's not cool to make the plans with you and then do it with someone else. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mattew Posted August 21, 2023 Author Share Posted August 21, 2023 2 minutes ago, Alpacalia said: I'm not sure why you failed to disclose that you were initially supposed to go on this trip with your wife. But then you mention she has more vacation time than you. Did you hope that she would cancel her trip on your behalf because you couldn't go? You aren't concerned that she is cheating. So, why are you concerned that a friend she has from school and her are sharing the same bed. Would you think it would be strange if they were sisters? Not failed, we just did not have exact day when we wanted to go there. But we also planned before another place for a year and then we went there and it was great. I do not know why she did this now. You know it makes it just worse when I saw the photo of this double bad on a place we were supposed to go together. Well yes, she has more vacation because she is a teacher. Link to post Share on other sites
SlimShadysWife Posted August 21, 2023 Share Posted August 21, 2023 14 minutes ago, Mattew said: Well we were before on Cyprus for 10 beautiful days and this is only for 2 nights, but still it sucks it is the place I was going forward to go with her on a romantic trip and she sent me photos of room with double bed, you know it just make it worse... The hotel she planned to set you and her in had double beds ??? Link to post Share on other sites
Alpacalia Posted August 21, 2023 Share Posted August 21, 2023 Just now, Mattew said: Not failed, we just did not have exact day when we wanted to go there. But we also planned before another place for a year and then we went there and it was great. I do not know why she did this now. You know it makes it just worse when I saw the photo of this double bad on a place we were supposed to go together. Well yes, she has more vacation because she is a teacher. I mean, I get being upset if you had plans to go somewhere together, and those plans fell through. I don't think it's necessarily wrong for you to be disappointed, if that's what you're feeling. Though, that wasn't your concern when you first posted. It was more that she was sharing a bed with another female that seemed to bother you because you feel it's not appropriate for females to share beds with other females. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mattew Posted August 21, 2023 Author Share Posted August 21, 2023 (edited) 29 minutes ago, SlimShadysWife said: The hotel she planned to set you and her in had double beds ??? We were not have chosen a hotel yet, but we are always choosing rooms with double bed in every hotel. Edited August 21, 2023 by Mattew Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted August 21, 2023 Share Posted August 21, 2023 (edited) 2 hours ago, Mattew said: it is just she went with her to the place where we was making plans going together.. So not upset, just little sad. This is the reason to be upset. If my partner went on a holiday with someone else when he knew, this was a place that I wanted to go/we planned to go together… I would be hurt and upset. Otherwise, as Basil said, if she wanted your opinion re: hotel options she would have asked for it. I have never asked for my husbands opinion related to accommodations on a trip that he is not making because it’s not his concern. And, while it’s kind of you to be concerned about her comfort - she is clearly not uncomfortable because she chose this for herself. Let’s be honest here, your primary concern is not her comfort. You did not start this thread to discuss your concern for your girlfriend’s sleep quality while travelling with her friend. You started this thread to ask whether you were right to be upset about the fact that your girlfriend was sleeping in the same bed with her friend while on vacation. I’m curious, you call her your girlfriend but you have been together eight years? That’s very non-traditional and yet you have a very traditional belief about the “marriage bed.” Do you live together or separately? If she has difficulties sleeping, do you sleep in separate beds? Or, is it only when she travels with her girlfriend that she requires a separate bed - for the quality of her sleep? There seem to be a lot of things that make you upset about this trip. You clearly feel that she has disrespected you and your “marriage bed” among other things… You will need to talk with her upon her return and I hope you can find some way to get past this… Edited August 21, 2023 by BaileyB 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Alpacalia Posted August 21, 2023 Share Posted August 21, 2023 (edited) It sounds like you went on vacation with your girlfriend right before this trip for 10 nights, and since she had extra vacation time, she decided to extend her traveling for two nights and go with a female friend and you're upset that she went to a vacation spot that you wanted and agreed to go with her to. Is that accurate? It also seems like some of your unease may be due to different expectations and norms of male and female friends. It is not uncommon that women often hug, cuddle, and sleep in the same bed, which that closeness is less common between guys. What if it was her sister she was sharing a bed with? Her going on vacation probably has you feeling sidelined by her friend. We are conditioned to see this as a risk, so it is understandable that you are feeling uneasy. But you don't get to dictate how she and her friends interact and you should trust that they can handle their interactions. It is important that you trust her and make sure that she knows that you are not trying to control her but that you are expressing your feelings honestly and respectfully. It might also be helpful to have a conversation with her about how you can extend trust and show affection to each other, and to make sure that your relationship can stay a priority in your lives. Bottom line is, it's okay to be a little jealous but it's also important to trust her and her relationship with her female friend. You've been together for eight years, surely she's earned the right to trust and have a comfortable relationship with her female friend? Unless you have seen evidence to the contrary, she deserves your trust. If it helps, try to remind yourself that her vacationing with her friend does not mean she's trying to replace you. The upset that you feel about her going away to a place that you wanted to travel with her to is valid but if you have no evidence to suggest she's being unfaithful, you should try to put your jealousy aside and try to focus on the trust that you have in your relationship. Edited August 21, 2023 by Alpacalia 1 Link to post Share on other sites
SlimShadysWife Posted August 21, 2023 Share Posted August 21, 2023 23 minutes ago, Mattew said: We were not have chosen a hotel yet, but we are always choosing rooms with double bed in every hotel. She's doing whatever she wants....has she even contacted you, replied to your texts? Stop sweating her, get your friends, cousins and do something fun 1 Link to post Share on other sites
glows Posted August 21, 2023 Share Posted August 21, 2023 7 hours ago, Mattew said: Well, then I just choose another hotel, there is plenty of them. Rather then sleep with my friend in the same bed, it is humiliating at least. Well I am questioning her choice, becuase like I wrote in previous post here it never happened before. And it still is not an answer to my question why she told me it is because of lower price, when it is not true. Because hotel rooms does not have different prices because of different beds like I saw. Some general comments here. She’s not your spouse or your wife. May I ask if both of you live together? You’ve dated for 8 years and there’s a lot of insecurity. Frankly I don’t even know why she felt it relevant to tell you what bed type she was sleeping in during her vacation and it either sounds like one big joke (intended to be a haha moment of irony because it’s with a gal friend and not you) or some ridiculous ploy to get you riled up because she knows you’d be jealous and insecure (basically baiting you). This kind of detail is so petty. Of all the things she can think of to share about her exciting vacay she talks about bed type. I think she’s riling you up for no reason knowing how you’d react and probably having a good laugh with her friend. She hasn’t responded to your messages still? I’m sorry if this is the case. I’d rethink the relationship if you feel you’re being toyed or hurt over someone’s pranks and giggles - you both obviously don’t share the same humour or aren’t on the same wavelength. There is way too much angst on your part. And in regards to the hotel room cheaper non-truth, you already did your research and she is lying out her butt. Why fall for all this? She’s laughing all the way to that hotel room and it’s probably an inside joke with her friend at this point. Link to post Share on other sites
MsJayne Posted August 21, 2023 Share Posted August 21, 2023 Out of curiosity about cultural norms, would the hotel staff find it odd or suspicious that two women had booked a "marriage bed"? I just looked up some Slovakian customs and now I see what you're upset about. Apologies for not understanding this sooner. If you're a traditionalist the 'marriage bed' holds a lot of significance for you. However, I'm a little confused because you say you've been with your girlfriend for eight years and I'm wondering why you're not married if you place high value on tradition. If you're rattled by your partner sleeping in the same bed as someone else, because of a cultural tradition, why aren't you rattled about not being married after so many years together? 3 Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted August 21, 2023 Share Posted August 21, 2023 I get the term "marriage bed", OP, because it's the same translation in Italian. It doesn't really mean anything other than a queen-sized bed (more or less) here. I can't speak for Slovakia where you are, but here in Italy nowadays, it's just a phrase used to indicate the size of the bed without any notion that it should be reserved for a married couple. At one time it probably was , but because Italian doesn't have the term "queen-sized", the name just stuck. It seems that it is different in your part of Europe, which is an important consideration. Keep in mind that many posting here are not familiar with such customs so will be commenting from their own cultural context, of course. It's a good opportunity for all of us to learn about each other. Having said that, I don't think this is actually about her sharing a bed with her friend. It seems there is much more that is making you unhappy with this relationship, such as her holidaying in a place that you'd planned to visit together. How was your relationship prior to this trip? What other issues have you two encountered? 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Els Posted August 21, 2023 Share Posted August 21, 2023 (edited) 8 hours ago, Mattew said: Well, you know I am from city where I used to sleep in my friends homes, and guess what, they, always have a bed only for me and it was not even a 4* hotel. And when they come to my home, I always had a bed for them. So for me it is like basic need, standard, my private sleeping space. Which city in Slovakia are you in? I used to be flatmates with a girl from Bratislava - she slept in a double bed with her female friend when the friend stayed over for a couple of days. When I traveled to Prague in the Czech Republic for a conference, those of us on travel scholarships were assigned rooms with a person of the same sex. Some of those beds were double beds. So no, I highly doubt it is as "universal" a thing as you are making it out to be, even in Central European cities. 11 hours ago, Mattew said: And it still is not an answer to my question why she told me it is because of lower price, when it is not true. Because hotel rooms does not have different prices because of different beds like I saw. I've stayed in over 100 hotels in my life, in multiple countries, and I pride myself on getting good value for my money when I travel. Hotel prices fluctuate by the day, especially on 3rd party sites like booking.com. Not just the day of stay, but also the day that you book. But since you are so convinced that she is lying to you, why are you even still in a relationship with her? Clearly there's a massive trust issue here, so why are you subjecting yourself and her to all this interrogation over something that almost everyone agrees is benign? Just break up and seek someone more compatible with you, preferably someone that will consult you on their every move before they do it, including rooming with a same-sex friend. Edited August 21, 2023 by Els 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Els Posted August 21, 2023 Share Posted August 21, 2023 (edited) 7 hours ago, Mattew said: Well we were before on Cyprus for 10 beautiful days and this is only for 2 nights, but still it sucks it is the place I was going forward to go with her on a romantic trip If this is the issue (and I can understand if so), why didn't you talk to her about it before she booked and paid, instead of making a fuss over a double bed later on....? Also, as others have said, if you are so "traditional" that your girlfriend can't sleep on a double bed with another woman, surely you would be married after 8 years together, especially when both people have graduated and are working? Don't you feel like you're picking and choosing a bit here? Edited August 21, 2023 by Els 1 Link to post Share on other sites
JTSW Posted August 21, 2023 Share Posted August 21, 2023 (edited) All this boils down to is a difference of opinion. She is sharing a room with a friend which in this day and age is perfectly normal. It's clear you just really don't like it and it's also perfectly fine to feel that way. It's your personal prerogative. Prices actually have nothing to do with it. You are just throwing reasons to why she doesn't need to share. She isn't doing anything wrong OP and there is nothing for you to worry about. I'm assuming that you have continually nagged her since she showed you the photo so that's why she is not answering you. There is no reason to worry. Edited August 21, 2023 by JTSW 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mattew Posted August 21, 2023 Author Share Posted August 21, 2023 3 hours ago, Els said: If this is the issue (and I can understand if so), why didn't you talk to her about it before she booked and paid, instead of making a fuss over a double bed later on....? Also, as others have said, if you are so "traditional" that your girlfriend can't sleep on a double bed with another woman, surely you would be married after 8 years together, especially when both people have graduated and are working? Don't you feel like you're picking and choosing a bit here? We are engaged, and we have plans for marriage of course. Well I am traditionalist in something, not in everything. I am probably complicated and so is she. And we live together in our own property which we buy also together. Well I thank all of you for your opinions and advice, I am going to handle it today. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Alpacalia Posted August 21, 2023 Share Posted August 21, 2023 (edited) 23 hours ago, Mattew said: But how would be she able to tell her kid why she was sleeping in same bed with another woman and not with his father? Based on what I understand, it seems that the Slovak culture tends to lean toward being more traditional when it comes to romance. I understand that you have not married and also have a son. I can imagine that the concept of her sleeping in the same bed as a female may be difficult to quite wrap your head around. Edited August 21, 2023 by Alpacalia Link to post Share on other sites
JTSW Posted August 21, 2023 Share Posted August 21, 2023 (edited) 3 hours ago, Mattew said: I am going to handle it today. Handle what exactly? There is nothing to handle. Edited August 21, 2023 by JTSW Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted August 21, 2023 Share Posted August 21, 2023 (edited) On 8/20/2023 at 6:30 AM, Mattew said: cheaper. This is your answer right here. Are there are other substantive signs that your GF has interest in lesbianism/having a lesbian fling? (And no this hotel thing is not "substantive" in the absence of other evidence.) She probably (and quite naturally) assumed a one bed hotel room was cheaper than a two bed one, because often they are. You are chasing ghosts here. Edited August 21, 2023 by mark clemson Link to post Share on other sites
Els Posted August 21, 2023 Share Posted August 21, 2023 (edited) 3 hours ago, Mattew said: We are engaged, and we have plans for marriage of course. Well I am traditionalist in something, not in everything. I am probably complicated and so is she. And we live together in our own property which we buy also together. Well I thank all of you for your opinions and advice, I am going to handle it today. I don't get it. In your earlier posts you made a big thing out of a double bed being called a "marriage bed" in your culture (which is why your gf apparently can't share it with a woman, because it's only for married couples), but since you live with your gf, presumably you are sleeping with her in a "marriage bed" every night without being... married? So it seems like you DO understand that the term doesn't have to be taken literally. You can be as complicated as you like, but if you're going to pick and choose like that, you're going to have a rough road to tread. There are very few women who will simultaneously consult you on their bed choices when they go on vacation with their female friends AND be okay with buying a house with a person they're not married to AND be okay with that status quo after 8 years. Some will be okay with 1 or 2 of the above, but not all 3 at the same time. I'm not sure what exactly you "handling it" is going to entail, but I think you want to think very carefully about how you do that. Edited August 21, 2023 by Els 5 1 Link to post Share on other sites
kgcolonel Posted August 21, 2023 Share Posted August 21, 2023 On 8/20/2023 at 9:13 AM, Mattew said: Yeah that is normal sharing a room, but I thought sharing a marriage bed, that is what I mean. Actually the way the booking agencies work, including Booking.com is that their pricing changes with the wind. They will buy a block of rooms, then as they deplete specific types (king bed rooms for example, those prices will increase) So, when she booked the "king bed" room, it could have been in greater abundance than the two queen bed rooms. I think you are reading too much in to this situation, unless she has given you reason to think otherwise. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Els Posted August 21, 2023 Share Posted August 21, 2023 1 hour ago, kgcolonel said: Actually the way the booking agencies work, including Booking.com is that their pricing changes with the wind. They will buy a block of rooms, then as they deplete specific types (king bed rooms for example, those prices will increase) So, when she booked the "king bed" room, it could have been in greater abundance than the two queen bed rooms. This. And on that specific site, in addition to the dynamic supply pricing model, there are periodic discounts, discounts that only show up for certain account levels, early bird discounts, and last-minute discounts. I'm actually surprised that anyone thinks that prices are static on those sites... do people think that flight prices are static too? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
NuevoYorko Posted August 22, 2023 Share Posted August 22, 2023 On 8/20/2023 at 4:36 PM, SlimShadysWife said: I think it's bizzare that grown and married people want to sleep in the same bed with eachother that are not their wife/husband. You and the OP seem to be unique in this regard. I can't even believe anyone would have an issue or question it. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
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