I received an email saying that my bf has a wife

[stillafool]

11 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Meeting his mother is irrelevant. You need to see where he lives. Why would he have to "take you there"?  Do you drive? Do you know his address? Skip meeting mom and tell him you'll meet him at his place when he gets back. See what excuses he comes up with. Do not let him keep camping out at your place.

I agree.  When he gets back and says he's coming over tell him never mind, you've packed a bag and will come over there to spend the night.  Listen to see if he gives you excuses not to come.  Be strong and insist on it, if not that night then the next.  Don't let him come back to your house until you go to his.  I agree that his mother is not the issue.  

[Alpacalia]

Honestly, I am unsure why you feel it's your job to be the one doing all the running around and splitting hairs. 

The number one priority for him is to assure and to make certain to his girlfriend that he is not married, and he is not doing that. 

What does that tell you?

Edited September 1, 2022 by Alpacalia

[poppyfields]

OP, responding to some questions and jmo of course, the reason why he may not be breaking over backwards proving to you he's not married is because (1) he may NOT be married therefore believes he has nothing to prove and/or (2) he may assume, as his gf for 1.5 years, you trust his word over some anonymous person's word who could be nothing but an email scammer/ troublemaker who sent one email then disappeared.

But let's say he IS married, where is the wife on Christmas, New Year's Eve and all the other major holidays you said he spends with you? 

Do you not find it odd that he would prefer to spend major holidays with you instead of his own wife?  

Why no information re his marriage found when conducting your internet searches?  Surely, there would be something. A reference, a mention, something.

Perhaps because there is nothing to be found?   It's very difficult if not impossible to prove a negative.

Not to mention all the traveling you do together, again where's the wife? 

Other than one ambiguous email from an anonymous person who refused to provide details when asked or even communicate further, there is actually more that would suggest he's not married than he is. 

OK not being invited to his home.  As has been mentioned, it could be he is embarrassed, mom may have mental issues or be a hoarder, it could be so many things. 

I have posted this before but my own brother did not invite his girlfriend (now wife of many years) to meet any of us (his family, myself, our mom and dad) for two YEARS.  He wasn't married nor was even dating aanyone else other than her.  

He just wasn't ready, he had his reasons.  She accepted it, accepted him and his limitations at the time, and they got married after five years. And are still happily married..

OP if you're still reading, my advice is take a couple of deep breaths, wait until he gets home and then talk to him, calmly and rationally. 

If you haven't already, ask him point blank, are you married?  

Try asking in a non-threatening, non-accusatory manner, be respectful and gauge his response. 

Calmly tell him you would like to see where and how he lives, no judgments. 

Meet his mum.  Have a chat.  

Try to not find him guilty before you do this, it's not fair. 

He's been your boyfriend for 1.5 years, I take it before this, you had a good happy relationship?

If he makes excuses to not do these things, or if it turns out he IS married, which you will either find out from him when you talk to him and directly ask or chatting to his mom, obviously end the relationship would be my advice.

It was one cryptic email from a stranger, like I said before, hearsay.

Emotionally prepare for the worst, but hope for the best. That's all you can do. 

Suffice it to say, we are all invested in some form or fashion, so if you're inclined, let us know the outcome and I hope it all works out for you. 

 

Edited September 1, 2022 by poppyfields

[SingFish]

On 8/30/2022 at 5:59 PM, poppyfields said:

For now, stop snooping around looking for evidence and choose to trust him.

That is what I would do anyway, g'luck.

Me too. 

[SingFish]

On 8/30/2022 at 2:25 PM, Gloriousdays said:

just to add he said there is a restraining order between them so she is not allowed to contact him and things ended badly between them…….. 

There are some really spiteful out of control people.

Just speak to him when he gets back, it's a weird thing for someone to do if he's not married, but people do stupid stuff all the time. 

Hope everything works out okay for you.

[Gloriousdays]

Thank you all for your lovely responses … that’s why right now I’m a bit confused as I spend Christmas, news years and his birthdays with him ever since I have been with him … I will wait till he is back and ask him to take me to his house calmly….. he says now he doesn’t want to come back  to the UK as he is so stressed out  and upset because of what his ex did … he said she also reached out to his boss and he is very upset…. I’m now more confused than ever but I wonder why the person who emailed me disappeared after sending me such an email …. It’s all very bizarre … I will get to the bottom of this … if he is indeed married then this will come out to light …. Nothing can be hidden forever ….and I will not be with a married man ….  He has told me that he is not married though …. 

[Alpacalia]

What I am wondering is, if the woman is just trying to stir up trouble, why would she choose to email you now? 

The two of you have been together for a year and a half.

Why does he use your eBay account? 

It's unfortunate that you're going through this. It must be so nerve-racking for you.

[Wiseman2]

23 minutes ago, Gloriousdays said:

….. he says now he doesn’t want to come back  to the UK as he is so stressed out  and upset 

Well that sounds like more gaslighting doesn't it?. He's the victim? You know there's something wrong with not seeing where he lives for 1.5 years.

[Will am I]

The address with the mom and the ex and him (but he's never there).

The eBay account.

The evasive responses and procrastinating.

As @Alpacalianoticed, his lack of motivation to comfort his long term girlfriend.

 

So many red flags. I'm very much inclined to believe the allegation that he's married. And I don't necessarily believe that's the whole truth anymore. It's almost like he's running from something.

[Wiseman2]

50 minutes ago, Will am I said:

So many red flags. I'm very much inclined to believe the allegation that he's married. And I don't necessarily believe that's the whole truth anymore. It's almost like he's running from something.

Agree. Now he's so stressed he doesn't feel like coming back to the UK? There's a lot wrong with this picture and perhaps being married is not the worst of it.

[Will am I]

2 hours ago, Gloriousdays said:

he says now he doesn’t want to come back  to the UK as he is so stressed out  and upset because of what his ex did … 

If I were him, I would want to be on the next flight home and drive straight to my girlfriend and set the records straight and fight for the relationship. The fact that he's going into the victim role again and shrinking away from your relationship has "BAD NEWS" written all over it.

I know this must be devastating and there's a big part of you that really doesn't want to hear this.

But please, be strong. Promise yourself that you will not allow yourself to be hurt by this man. Stand your ground. Know that you deserve to be treated with honesty and respect.

[Wiseman2]

3 hours ago, Gloriousdays said:

 ….  He has told me that he is not married though …. 

Ok don't bother asking again. What exactly do you know about him? Age, date of birth? Workplace? Vehicle he drives? Have you seen his passport and driver's license? 

Forget the mother. She may not even exist. Just don't let him stay in your home until you have seen where he lives. Cancel his ebay activity. That's shady as well. So is the restraining order story.

This was Not a random spam email, he said so himself that it's his fatal attraction ex.

There's a lot you need to find out to protect yourself. 1.5 years is a good time to reassess all this. Use occam's razor, not far-fetched theories.

Sorry but it does sound like a fantastical web of lies.

 

Edited September 1, 2022 by Wiseman2

[Starswillshine]

I would say that maybe he is still officially married but they are separated EXCEPT that would have been something easy to just tell you and come clean about. 

That she has his last name screams that they were married. Which seems weird he just claims she is an ex gf. 

The manipulation of saying he doesn't want to come back to the UK because of this is just.... manipulation. 

Yes, there are some crazy people out there. My xH's OW was nutso, and she actually emailed another one of his OW (who did not know he was married) stating the exact same thing to her. "Heads up, he's married." Not to put any other ideas in your head. 

It does seem like he travels a bit. My xH was the same. Traveled a lot and had an OW in every city it seems. Most had no clue he was married. It is easy to keep it all in the air when you are gone a bit. And yes, he brought them on trips, too. 

Edited September 1, 2022 by Starswillshine

[Gloriousdays]

25 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Ok don't bother asking again. What exactly do you know about him? Age, date of birth? Workplace? Vehicle he drives? Have you seen his passport and driver's license? 

Forget the mother. She may not even exist. Just don't let him stay in your home until you have seen where he lives. Cancel his ebay activity. That's shady as well. So is the restraining order story.

This was Not a random spam email, he said so himself that it's his fatal attraction ex.

There's a lot you need to find out to protect yourself. 1.5 years is a good time to reassess all this. Use occam's razor, not far-fetched theories.

Sorry but it does sound like a fantastical web of lies.

 

I know his age , his full name as I have seen his passport, his car as we have been to France on different times by driving and he also pick me up in that same car sometimes when we are meeting up, I have never seen his driving license though, I also know where he works..  well as for the mother he has send me pictures of him and her when he took her on a trip to Spain ( she looks elderly and like him )…. Yeah I won’t let him stay at my place anymore until when I have visited his house ..  I will cancel his eBay activity… I will definitely need to find out more … the ex that he said sent the email is married to someone else now and she lives in Canada … she looks happily married though so I don’t think it’s her ..( I found her Facebook page) … he even mentioned that she is his last gf he had and that she was married ( he mentioned this to me a long time ago before the email )  so this must have been done by someone else …. Why do you think that they just disappear like that after only one email ….??? 

[ExpatInItaly]

12 minutes ago, Gloriousdays said:

Why do you think that they just disappear like that after only one email ….??? 

My guess? Because it's someone close to him who doesn't want to get in s**t with him and doesn't really want to get involved, but thought you need to know.

This happened to a dear friend of mine several years back. She was randomly contacted by a man she didn't know, who turned out to be her boyfriend's friend that wanted to let her know he was leading a double life. It's a long story, but it was all true. 

In case you missed it above, did you boyfriend refuse to tell you his mom's last name? He says to wait until he gets back? 

 

[Will am I]

16 minutes ago, Gloriousdays said:

Why do you think that they just disappear like that after only one email ….??? 

I can imagine that a woman might feel compelled to share this information and not allow her cheating ex to continue his habits. But at the same time she may have no interest in getting personal with the other romantic partners of "her" ex-partner. 

 

[Gloriousdays]

17 minutes ago, Estes said:

Wait so now he's so stressed out he doesn't want to come home? Is he seriously considering extending his trip?

I wanted to respond and quote a few of the posters above but I've been "zinged" and several of my posts removed because apparently responding to other posters is against the rules because it can derail threads- even though the conversations were completely on topic..shaking my head..

Op you can wait him out and that sounds like what you're going to do but there are so many red flags here including he wouldn't even tell you his mother's last name and dodged it with a question..

If I was in your position, after I got that email and got no answers from him, I would have gone right over to his house. If there were no cars, maybe look through a window.. check the mailbox and see if there's any mail with names on it that could be useful.

I'd knock on the door and innocently say I'm looking for his mom and see where things go from there. I would NOT be worried about a jealous wife suddenly pulling out a shotgun and blowing my head off. I don't tiptoe around life, if I want answers I go find them. I don't wait for another person to provide them especially when they're clearly being evasive and dodging me and have something to hide. Especially when it's a matter of such importance.

But perhaps that's why some are successful and others are not. We "trust but verify" the people we choose to deal with and we make our own luck - we don't wait around hoping it will drop in our laps.

 

Yeah he said he is so stressed and he said people from London are crazy ( that’s where both of us live) I’m thinking of going there on Friday you know after I finish work and ask for his mum and I will see who comes out of that address…. I’m so angry with myself for allowing this to happen and for trusting him so much …. If he is indeed married then I feel sorry for the wife because he treats her badly as I have spend so much time with him and we are also always travelling together… when I asked for his address again he was like you aren’t going to see my mum without me are you and he also said you aren’t going to go and argue with my mum are you … I said to him how odd you asked me if I was going to argue with your mum ….in UK there are no guns so no one will shoot me …. I’m now thinking of going there to verify myself because this man is never going to admit  anything is he …

[ExpatInItaly]

13 minutes ago, Gloriousdays said:

when I asked for his address again he was like you aren’t going to see my mum without me are you and he also said you aren’t going to go and argue with my mum are you

Hmm. 

And what about this?
 

19 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

did you boyfriend refuse to tell you his mom's last name? He says to wait until he gets back? 

 

[Will am I]

1 minute ago, Gloriousdays said:

Yeah he said he is so stressed and he said people from London are crazy ( that’s where both of us live)

Come on. That's a bunch of baloney and you know it!

If he hated London that much he would have moved elsewhere. He doesn't seem like a man without options. And just read what he is presuming: 9 million people in London are all a bunch of crazies and he's the sane one. No, only a true narcissist would actully say that and believe his own words.

Besides, it's an indirect insult to you too.

1 minute ago, Gloriousdays said:

I’m thinking of going there on Friday you know after I finish work and ask for his mum and I will see who comes out of that address….

Go girl!

Rooting for you.

1 minute ago, Gloriousdays said:

I’m so angry with myself for allowing this to happen and for trusting him so much ….

I love reading this! You just progressed from denial to anger.

This is the tremendous value of the LoveShack community. We can get gradually carried away in a relationship and start accepting more and more lies for truths. People over here have an outsider's perspective and almost every single person in the community seems to have some experience with relationships gone wrong. What you get here is a huge reality check and if you're open to having your opinions challenged, you can grow a lot in a short period.

Question about outsiders perspectives: do you have close friendships? Friends with whom you share about your romanic relationships? I believe that everyone in a long term relationship should have at least one such friend.

 

1 minute ago, Gloriousdays said:

when I asked for his address again he was like you aren’t going to see my mum without me are you and he also said you aren’t going to go and argue with my mum are you … I said to him how odd you asked me if I was going to argue with your mum ….in UK there are no guns so no one will shoot me …. I’m now thinking of going there to verify myself because this man is never going to admit  anything is he …

Why would you argue? I think it's fabulous that you would honor your mother in law with a tea time visit. If the man is all that he says he is, than surely he would like his mother and his partner to get along well.

 

[Estes]

23 minutes ago, Gloriousdays said:

 I’m now thinking of going there to verify myself because this man is never going to admit  anything is he …

Excellent. You're taking control of your own life rather than getting handouts from him.

Please keep us updated on what happens, we'll get you through this!

[BaileyB]

1 hour ago, Starswillshine said:

I would say that maybe he is still officially married but they are separated EXCEPT that would have been something easy to just tell you and come clean about. 

This!!

That he is now so stressed he doesn’t want to come home tells you a) something is really wrong here or b) this man is missing a few screws… because, if there is nothing amiss, this should be easily put to bed. 

People who have nothing to hide, hide nothing. 

[ExpatInItaly]

5 hours ago, Gloriousdays said:

he says now he doesn’t want to come back  to the UK as he is so stressed out  and upset because of what his ex did he needs time to think of a cover story

Fixed it. 

[Starswillshine]

14 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Fixed it. 

Yep. And possibly figure out who can stand in as "mother"

I wish I could say these things only happen in movies, but once people like this get backed into a corner, they will go to any lengths. 

[Gloriousdays]

17 minutes ago, Starswillshine said:

Yep. And possibly figure out who can stand in as "mother"

I wish I could say these things only happen in movies, but once people like this get backed into a corner, they will go to any lengths. 

Well I have seen his mother in pictures…. So he can’t possibly bring anybody else …..

[BrinnM]

My guess is that he’s still legally married, but separated, and that his wife or a friend of hers sent the message. She’s probably mad at him, and she’s also the most likely “suspect” to have access to his email. They probably still officially share a home, but I’m assuming he’s living with his mom part-time as well.