I received an email saying that my bf has a wife

[kleaners]

Go to the house and say you accidentally had a package shipped there. Whomever answers the door, just say, "I'm so and so's girlfriend and I accidentally had a package sent here instead of my house." Make up an excuse about not changing the address from when your boyfriend has things shipped. See what the reaction is. The downside is, if it's actually his mom, she's going to tell him you stopped by and he may not trust you again.

[mark clemson]

I'm not going to advise you what to do. If it were me, in your situation I believe I'd show up at the house and see who lives there - mom or GF. Seems like that would provide a lot of clarification.

It's possible that she IS an ex, but that he slept with her or similar recently and she's trying to get you out of the picture. This seems like a low probability, but theoretically possible, scenario here as well. Plenty of folks in this world will chase a BF/GF they can't have or feel they are in danger of losing, even if it makes no sense rationally...

[Lotsgoingon]

I wouldn't go check on him if it were me. I'd run the divorce/marriage check.

And I'd confront him. And then I'd go into hyper skeptical juror mode. It would be up to him to persuade me beyond a reasonable doubt--actually I'll go further, beyond a shadow of a hint of a reasonable doubt--that he is not married.

The logic/story he tells would have to be overwhelming clear--he'd need to get his divorce certificate. And in my body, I would have to be convinced.

Don't do what people often do in situations like this--which is hide from the truth. They basically turn to the seems-to-be-lying partner and say (with their tone, their uncertainty, their fear and their body language) Please! Just give me a half-way plausible explanation so I can push this out of my head. Just deny and deny hard and so I won't have to face the loss of you as a liar and the loss of this relationship having been built on a lie. 

Please don't do that. In other words, nope, you do not give him the benefit of a doubt on this one. Nope! If he's not lying, you'll soon know that and feel that. 

 

[Will am I]

Indeed, confront. You have been together so long that at least he owes you a good explanation.

And don't accept the "we're as good as divorced" excuse. Men say that not because the divorce case is taking years but because their own indecisiveness is taking years when they haven;t even separated or filed.

 

 

 

 

[Versacehottie]

I'm going to throw another idea into the mix about the identity of the email writer....assuming it's true for the sake of this possibility...it could be someone from his life (a sibling, co-worker or friend) who knows he's doing something bad or wrong and hates to see it happening. That might be one reason they are not answering your emails. Maybe they just wanted to tip you off, get you wondering and have you figure out the rest yourself.

Do you ever hang out with his group of friends? How hard would it be for anyone to get your email address? 

I think the fact that you've never been to "his world" and he has money to travel to foreign locations with you but not to move out of his mothers is a red flag/huge yellow flag. That said, one of my friends (and subsequently all of her friends including me) were cyber stalked by an ex-gf of her boyfriend who would say ANYTHING to break them up. So I know from that experience it's possible and people will go to great lengths.  All things equal though, I would the most likely scenario is probably that he's married.  Also is he panicking and upset that you've been contacted or sort of blowing it off with a promise to take you to his house when he gets back? The way you described it (without saying he's really upset) is a little nonchalant (and would point to guilt IMO). 

Edited August 30, 2022 by Versacehottie

[Will am I]

2 minutes ago, Versacehottie said:

That said, one of my friends (and subsequently all of her friends including me) were cyber stalked by an ex-gf of her boyfriend who would say ANYTHING to break them up. So I know from that experience it's possible and people will go to great lengths.

Sorry to read that you actually encountered the "psycho ex girlfriend".  Hope that the nasty situation is all behind you.

My intuition in this topic tells me the other explanation is more plausible, this being a legit warning about the BF's marital status. Didn't mean to invalidate your experience or the fact that there are some truly messed up people out there.

[Els]

Can't you just check the registry....? Most countries have one.

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, Lotsgoingon said:

I wouldn't go check on him if it were me.

Agree. He and the wife/GF are both away so that won't yield much.

For what it's worth, I have never gotten a communication to this effect, nor never seen where someone lives . Now add those two together.

[Gloriousdays]

Thank you for all your kind responses so anyway since he always says his mum knows about me I asked him if I could have her number and speak to her on the phone he said i have to wait till he is back from this vacation so that I can meet her first . Just to clarify he is on his own on this holiday because he is always video calling me … so if he is married the wife is probably at home … I have his address but I don’t think I will go there even though I’m tempted to … I also found something interesting I found the alleged ex gf’s details online …. And they used to live on the same address ( this he told me before ) but the thing is she had his last name … ( he only told  me that they were engaged ) so I’m finding it suspicious … i wish whoever sent me that email would respond to me rather leave me in a helpless situation like this … it’s driving me crazy …. I just want to know the truth… ..just to add he said there is a restraining order between them so she is not allowed to contact him and things ended badly between them…….. 

 

Edited August 30, 2022 by Gloriousdays

[Wiseman2]

18 minutes ago, Gloriousdays said:

I asked him if I could have her number and speak to her on the phone he said i have to wait till he is back from this vacation so that I can meet her first . …. And they used to live on the same address ( this he told me before ) but the thing is she had his last name  ..just to add he said there is a restraining order between them so she is not allowed to contact him and things ended badly between them…….. 

It's good you are researching this. Things are not adding up. Why are you a secret from the mother for example? Anyone call video call from a bathroom, lobby, etc. means nothing. It sounds like he is setting the table for the "deranged GF" story. But... he never mention her or a restraining order before this email?

Keep researching addresses, names etc.

[Will am I]

24 minutes ago, Gloriousdays said:

have her number and speak to her on the phone he said i have to wait till he is back from this vacation so that I can meet her first

This smells fishy. 

I didn’t trust the guy before and it’s worse now. 

 

[Versacehottie]

1 hour ago, Will am I said:

Sorry to read that you actually encountered the "psycho ex girlfriend".  Hope that the nasty situation is all behind you.

My intuition in this topic tells me the other explanation is more plausible, this being a legit warning about the BF's marital status. Didn't mean to invalidate your experience or the fact that there are some truly messed up people out there.

Oh I agree...the most plausible explanation is that OP's guy is really married. 

The psycho ex-gf was more of a nuisance to me and the friends. She was and still is pretty torturous to my friend. She has figured out how to hack into her social media accounts and constantly makes up new accounts to follow her and stay up to date with what she is doing. She did cause or set the ball in motion for my friend and her boyfriend breaking up (though he wasn't cheating). The psycho ex-gf got her way and they broke up a few years ago as it caused a ton of drama. The psycho IS STILL doing it to date--not as intensely ie on the hour.  Meanwhile we are struggling to remember her real first and last name but yeah not fun for my friend. 

My main point is about "WHO" could be leaking the information to the OP. I think many of us have been in situations where some we know is doing something we don't approve of. Like for example, if the OP hangs out with her boyfriend's friends and/or their girlfriends, one of them might know and not be at liberty to tell her directly but feel like it shouldn't be happening and she should know..That's what I'm getting at. 

In general, I would put it at 85-90% odds that he is married or together with someone as far as that part of the story. Chances of it not being true at all are low.  It could be as simple as he is two-timing them both regardless of what the marital status is..I think this is a likely scenario. 

[Will am I]

33 minutes ago, Gloriousdays said:

also found something interesting I found the alleged ex gf’s details online …. And they used to live on the same address ( this he told me before ) but the thing is she had his last name

My wife uses my last name.

OP… I’m sorry but it’s adding up more and more.

Edited August 30, 2022 by Will am I

[Versacehottie]

32 minutes ago, Gloriousdays said:

Thank you for all your kind responses so anyway since he always says his mum knows about me I asked him if I could have her number and speak to her on the phone he said i have to wait till he is back from this vacation so that I can meet her first . Just to clarify he is on his own on this holiday because he is always video calling me … so if he is married the wife is probably at home … I have his address but I don’t think I will go there even though I’m tempted to … I also found something interesting I found the alleged ex gf’s details online …. And they used to live on the same address ( this he told me before ) but the thing is she had his last name … ( he only told  me that they were engaged ) so I’m finding it suspicious … i wish whoever sent me that email would respond to me rather leave me in a helpless situation like this … it’s driving me crazy …. I just want to know the truth… ..just to add he said there is a restraining order between them so she is not allowed to contact him and things ended badly between them…….. 

 

Why are you putting the burden on the person who is tipping you off and needing to get some confirmation from them? Basically you shouldn't be trusting that person--as they have a reason to mislead you (even if you don't know exactly what it is).  

I'd say finding them at the same address, using the same last name is proof enough for me.  maybe he is in midst of divorce or long separated which might be why the mom would lie for him but to me, it looks like he's still married. 

[stillafool]

33 minutes ago, Gloriousdays said:

i wish whoever sent me that email would respond to me rather leave me in a helpless situation like this … it’s driving me crazy …. I just want to know the truth… ..just to add he said there is a restraining order between them so she is not allowed to contact him and things ended badly between them…….. 

Why not pay the fee and search his legal records which will tell you this without relying on other people?

[poppyfields]

[ ] 

OP, that email you received amounts to what is referred to as “hearsay” -  information received from other people that one cannot adequately substantiate; rumor.

I find it odd that some random sends you a cryptic email stating your boyfriend is married and right off the back, with no evidence other than this cryptic email which again is nothing but hearsay, he is accused (or strong suspected) of lying, cheating, withholding, etc etc.

It could have been anyone.  A bitter ex or simply some random person trying to stir trouble and break up your relationship, it happens ALL THE TIME.

GRANTED, I find it questionable that he has never invited you to his or to meet him mum, what is also questionable is that YOU willingly went along with this for 1.5 years?

What’s up with that?

In any event, what I would do instead of going behind his back and doing a background check or snooping around and/or stalking his home is tell him when he returns that after 1.5 years you want see where he lives and meet his mum.   

His response will tell you everything you need to know and you can go from there.   

If he makes excuses or hems and haws, simply END IT.  Period, end of.   You've got your answer.  It really is that simple.  No snooping, backgrounds checks required.

Imagine for a second that he were innocent of this outrageous allegation.   How do you think he would feel knowing his own girlfriend didn’t trust him enough to discuss with him like two mature grown up adults and instead chose to believe some random person with an ambiguous email address and go behind his back to do background checks or using other devious means to find out

If the tables were turned, and my boyfriend received a cryptic email like that, and went behind my back to conduct background checks etc, I would end the RL right there.  Even if I were innocent, I would end it, it reflects a total lack of trust and when there is no trust, there is NOTHING.

Good luck whatever path you choose to follow.

Edited August 30, 2022 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
argumentative

[basil67]

@Gloriousdays You've received a lot of advice to run a background check.  This could give you an answer straight up, but you don't say where you're from and the option isn't available in all countries.  In my country, this information isn't publicly available until about 100 years after a person has died.

You might also need to look at other options. 

[Gloriousdays]

4 minutes ago, basil67 said:

@Gloriousdays You've received a lot of advice to run a background check.  This could give you an answer straight up, but you don't say where you're from and the option isn't available in all countries.  In my country, this information isn't publicly available until about 100 years after a person has died.

You might also need to look at other options. 

I’m from London,  UK… I will find out if I can get access to his marriage records… 

[basil67]

5 minutes ago, Gloriousdays said:

I’m from London,  UK… I will find out if I can get access to his marriage records… 

Without more details of the marriage, it looks like you might be out of luck   

Under UK law, marriage certificates are known as Public Records which means that any person can apply for a copy of any certificate, providing that they know the details of the marriage that is required. Marriage certificates issued by Vital Certificates are frequently used as evidence for divorce proceedings, applications for passports and visas, or simply to locate new ancestors for family history or genealogy research.

source: https://www.vitalcertificates.co.uk/uk-marriage-certificate-information.html

Edited August 30, 2022 by basil67

[Gloriousdays]

2 minutes ago, basil67 said:

Without more details of the marriage, it looks like you might be out of luck   

Under UK law, marriage certificates are known as Public Records which means that any person can apply for a copy of any certificate, providing that they know the details of the marriage that is required. Marriage certificates issued by Vital Certificates are frequently used as evidence for divorce proceedings, applications for passports and visas, or simply to locate new ancestors for family history or genealogy research.

source: https://www.vitalcertificates.co.uk/uk-marriage-certificate-information.html

I know the full name of the alleged wife … can I use that ??? 

[basil67]

Sorry, I didn't realise that you had her full name.  Give it a shot!

[chillii]

19 minutes ago, Gloriousdays said:

I know the full name of the alleged wife … can I use that ??? 

You have her name ? haven't you just checked fb or any of the others , or even just done an internet search for starts, takes about 2 minutes. Heard plenty of stories of things people have found just typing in a name in a search, do his too.

Didn't even bother with the rest but yeah of course, the whole where he even lives, or not even knowing apart from receipts or not even having been there in 1 1/2 yrs, is a whole nother story. Anyway, if you don't wanna drive by at least tap in some names and have a dig about.

[Gloriousdays]

So he just called me, he said that I have been acting very weird ever since I told him about the email…… he said to me he will let me meet his mum as soon as he is back from his holiday ….  Unfortunately I couldn’t find anything online regarding his marriage which is annoying …so he is in Las Vegas at the moment so I have to wait till the weekend when he is back ….. anyway he has been calling me non stop on videos so I know that he is by himself ….. just to add last year we spent Christmas and his birthday together and  the same the year before that .. I wonder where was the wife when this was happening … 

[basil67]

If the email is true (and it's a big IF), it's possible he's separated but not divorced.   That would account for the time spent with you, but also being married.

And of course, it could all be fake too

[Gloriousdays]

5 minutes ago, chillii said:

You have her name ? haven't you just checked fb or any of the others , or even just done an internet search for starts, takes about 2 minutes. Heard plenty of stories of things people have found just typing in a name in a search, do his too.

Didn't even bother with the rest but yeah of course, the whole where he even lives, or not even knowing apart from receipts or not even having been there in 1 1/2 yrs, is a whole nother story. Anyway, if you don't wanna drive by at least tap in some names and have a dig about.

I have found an account on Facebook but it’s on private so I can’t even view any pictures of her ….. I have found the address they used to live together years ago … it is the same address that my bf uses for his eBay account ….