a wife that does not respect me

[Outcast]

Look, Burt, here's the deal: people sometimes don't get it. For whatever reason, they can only see beyond their own noses. So you go off to see a professional and the professional knows how to talk to them to make them get it.

 

One of two things will happen; 1) she will realize the error of her ways. It can easily happen; I know people who changed when they got help; some even changed because of things I told them! And then you two will do very well together. Or else 2) she will say she's doing nothing wrong, will refuse the advice of the counsellor. Then you know that it's time to go because she doesn't think she's wrong and she won't work on changing.

 

But until you give her a chance to mend her ways, you haven't really tried. And I promise you that I definitely have seen people change and relationships improve. So I think it would be a huge mistake to assume she won't change without at least giving it a try.

 

People leave marriages thinking they'll find someone else - but here's Alpha at 40 still flying solo. Is that the life you want for yourself? Do you want to kick yourself around the block ten years from now because you didn't even try?

 

And the point I keep trying to make is you shouldn't be taking your marriage advice from a man who is bitter about his own very short marriage and who doesn't think anyone should be married.

 

I was married eight years. I'm not bitter. The breakup was mutual; we realized we were better as friends. We still are in touch. People who stay married don't stand on stupid principles like

where exactly in the marriage "agreement" does it state that the wife emotionally castrate the husband

. This is not the words of someone who believes in teamwork.

 

Chances are she doesn't really get that this bothers you. A lot of women are taught that men are tough so they don't really believe they can hurt a man's feelings which is why you need a professional to help her understand that you are not made of rock and that she actually isn't being kind or fair.

 

And getting your back up, getting in a snit, and leaving will not get the point across.

[a4a]

Well, as I stated earlier JADESTAR.... BURT can do a compromise and have a trial seperation for 6 months and see how things go. This way he can bail AND work on things....who know's maybe if at the end of six months of seperation she will appreciate him more???

 

Now, if BURT is totally financially dependent on his wife then he may be in big trouble....

 

 

Who is to say that Mrs. Burt will be around after 6 months? Not a good option, if he really thinks he will get back in the door after being abscent for that long. The only thing Mrs. Burt will appreciate is the fact that she reached out and attempted to save their marriage and Burt packed his bags instead.......

 

Now that is one Weiner of an idea......yeah....Run Burt.....NOT! Be a real pussy and run away .....that will get her respect in a New York minute. Then go on to make the same mistakes in the next relationship...if you find one worthwhile.

 

Wondering if Alpha heads up a gold digger organization for men with displaced anger? Yeah that was a jab......take it like a man LMAO! Burt has a job he can pay rent like a big boy...... and please don't post that he should take back the engagement ring too. LOL!

 

a4a

[burt]

how long should I go to counciling before giving up?

[alphamale]

People leave marriages thinking they'll find someone else - but here's Alpha at 40 still flying solo.

You know what OUTCAST? By "flying solo" one can meet a lot of stewardesses

 

And, I am solo by choice....

[whichwayisup]

If you love your wife, which you do or you would not be posting here, work on this. I am sure your wife has wonderful qualities just like you do. Think about those. Talk to her...... tell her what you want ........ go to that MC even if it makes you uncomfortable at first.... good chance you will learn so much instead of keeping your head in the sand like so many people do.

 

Don't take the wuss way..... lashing out with anger and not really knowing why you are so angry and hurt and who/what you are angry and hurt over.

 

Nicely put a4a. Great post reply.

 

Burt, hang in there, whatever you decide to do - Take your time. Don't make any hasty decisions until your mind is clear and calm.

[lilmoma1973]

Why you want to go to counseling it is obvious you not wanting to work on this marriage just runaway like some damn coward and forget it .. Go for as long as you think you need it .. Maybe it could also help with your depression if it doesn't work for your marriage!!!

[burt]

lilmoma, if you want to resort to name calling you can get lost. I am totally trying to be an adult about this situation. You obviously are a brilliant person and I want to thank you for taking the time to post.

[Moose]

and what about her promises to him MOOSE? where exactly in the marriage "agreement" does it state that the wife emotionally castrate the husband?

That's her problem. Not his. Burt, not meaning to sound like a jerk, but don't sit around feeling sorry for yourself over this. So what, you're not getting the praise and respect you feel you deserve. Get over it!

 

As long as you're putting your 100% into this marriage, she has no right to think this about you. If she does, then she'll wake up one day and realize it. If not, you still have your honor intact.

 

Imagine the respect gained if you stick this out and succeed!

[burt]

That is exactly the way I feel inside. I dont' sit around feeling sorry for myself, I have a job, and a life too. All I am saying is that it is unsettling to know that your best friend and companion, deep down feels like your not living up to her expectations.

[Moose]

That is exactly the way I feel inside. I dont' sit around feeling sorry for myself, I have a job, and a life too. All I am saying is that it is unsettling to know that your best friend and companion, deep down feels like your not living up to her expectations.

I understand 150%!!!

 

But then I woke up. I realized that it really doesn't matter what my wife thinks. I have to go and do for me too. I'm my worst critic, so I don't care much what other people think anymore.

 

It took me forever to develope that attitude.....but that's just the way it is now.

 

Not that I don't care what she thinks about me.....I do.....but if she's got negative thoughts about me, I can't dwell on them and allow them to fester, or it'll destroy me.

 

Don't let it you.......

[Outcast]

Well let's try getting to at least one counselling session before you throw in the towel, shall we?

 

I disagree with Moose that you should just shut out her response. Yes, she should treat you better but you need to get to that point and it's not impossible to do.

[burt]

I guess a councilin I will go then... I just hope she is not too stubborn to realize what issues she needs to improve of herself. I am positive that I will learn.

[burt]

I will definitely talk to her tonight if possible and get back on later or tomorrow to let you know the outcome...

 

thanks

 

burt

[glittergurl]

Hey Burt, glad you made this decision! And if councelling really doesn't help after all, then you can still move out like you've been thinking; but at least you will have tried everything you could; and then you'll know for sure that moving is the only solution. It would be stupid to just leave now when you still haven't tried all the options. And hey, maybe it will work

[lilmoma1973]

 

 

{Quote Burt} I guess a councilin I will go then... I just hope she is not too stubborn to realize what issues she needs to improve of herself. I am positive that I will learn. [Quote}

 

 

Burt positive thoughts no negative thoughts atleast she is wanting to save your marriage that counts for something !@!!

[burt]

I hear you loud and clear "think positive"

[RecordProducer]

Burt, your wife is one of the numerous women who want their husbands to make more money than themselves (or at least equal). She is ambitious, getting her master's degree, making good money, and is content with her career. So she wants the same or more from you. You can't change her personal preferences (this is more about teste then viewpoint she has), but you can change your position if you want to stay with her.

 

She will probably re-gain respect for you if you start making more money than her. I think you should find a good job, at which you can prosper, and move to a bigger city if necessary. In the meanwhile, don't spend the money she is making too much as it will only make you even lower in her eyes.

 

When you have a good job in another city, she will most likely join you if she loves you. If not, divorce will probably be the only option. I think it's better for you to develop a nice career plus be the man she wants you to be. You'd be better off with a good career even without her. Staying in the shadow of her success and dissatisfaction with you will only lead to more frustration on both sides.

 

Start looking for a good job in your former city.

[burt]

Now that sounds about right...

[lilmoma1973]

Im so prod that you finally see that counseling is the best way to make things work.. If more men were like you and go to counseling there would be less divorce it doesn't make you less of a man that you can admit your marriage needs help !!!

[AlmostMarried77]

from your first post....

 

you said it was difficult getting a job that utilised your skills in the town your wife lives in. Get her _actively_ involved in your job hunting.. she may realise that no matter how hard you try that job will just not come.

 

And anyway - I wish you the best of luck.. sounds like you are in a real rough patch but if you can get through this it should make you a stronger team and therefore give you a stronger marriage

[Walk]

Burt:

 

What career/job are you looking for? Are you satisfied with your position in life? Do you have goals or aspirations for where you would like your life to go?

 

I was wondering if the reason your wife seems so dissappointed in you is not because of amount of money you make, but that you don't tell her what your goals/ambitions are, or have ways that you plan to grow as an individual. Is she only concerned that you don't make as much as she would wish? Or is it that you don't seem to have any ambition to learn/grow more? (I'm not saying you don't, just trying to raise questions as to why she thinks less of you... don't take this as an insult please.)

 

I say this because you said your wife works plus goes to grad school. She sounds as if she is working a lot of hours to improve herself and her life even after getting a 'great' job. If you aren't showing something close to that kind of initiative, then it'll probably come off as though you aren't trying, or are taking advantage of her drive to succeed.

 

I'm not saying your a bad person, or wrong. Maybe she's type A, while your a Type C. Your may just not be as driven. However, this causes large rifts between two people over time.

 

Just wondered... I knew a few couples where the women got upset with the guys, and lost respect for them. Most worked and went to school, and the guy didn't have the same sort of drive she did. Saw a few of them push their men to get better jobs, more education, etc.... Also saw them brow beat the living hell out of the guy. It wasn't good for either of them. But neither the guy or girl really wanted to discuss the situation, or find a solution to it, so a potentially good relationship was ruined over it. (Some of the men were horrendous though.)

 

It's easy to give up... hard to know when it's worth fighting for... Keep an open mind on what your wife says , and ask as many questions of her as you can think of. Attack this from more than just the same angle you have been. Meaning don't stop trying to understand. But don't let her walk on you either.

[Milo]

Isn't it just so quaint that the amount of money a man makes is all of the sudden a reason to stop loving him? Lovely.

[jason4233]

hey burt i know what your going through my wife make the bigge paycheck and if i want to stay with her we have to move around so me getting a great job and keeping it keeps going to ****. hell i have had to give up two diffrent jobs in 5 years that paid about 50,000 a year. my wife and i have the same prob as you but she understands my side. but in saying that our probs go even further than that.

but after reading what you have been writing it really sounds like you want to leave but is sounds like your more home sick than anything. at least she is willing to go and try couseling if you really love her and want to be with her then you will try anything to keep it togeather. but it sounds like you want someone to say leave her and go home. i think there are more issues buired inside you than you are letting on.

[rble618740]

First - I hope that anyone who plans to pass judgment on me as a result of this post, please review some of my other posts. If after looking at more than one sample of my "work" you determine that I am worthy of some form of disrepute, at least you will have a broader basis on which to criticize me. If my other posts sway your judgment, I appreciate the effort.

 

Now, having said all of that, I believe I have a tinge of understanding for Mrs. Burt's position. My husband has a journalism degree, an MBA, and a JD. We married about three months after his law school graduation and he was in the process of finding a job. He found one in October and he lost it in March. We began fighting a lot about the situation. NOT about money (I am a lawyer and make enough for us to live on), but about the situation. After one too many a rough battle in our small apartment, my husband and I separated in June (yes, 9 months after we were married).

 

I learned a lot about myself and about my husband in the ensuing months. We reconciled in August and have been doing GREAT since.

 

I figured I would share a few bits of wisdom I have gained from this experience - I hope one or more of them is helpful:

 

1. My father showed his love for my family through his sacrificed and incredibly hard work. I, in turn, have a belief that a man who loves his family will work his a$$ off to provide for them.

 

2. I am a Type A personality. I am ambitious, goal-oriented, and - certainly at times - domineering and bossy. My husband is not driven in the way that I am. He will not slave to improve his lot in life. He is actually a pretty content fellow in just about any circumstance. I do not think like him, he does not think like me, and we have had to learn to accept that.

 

3. I had legitimate complaints about my husband not working or not working to his potential. I, unfortunately (and myable like Mrs. Burt) had a HORRIBLE approach to voicing those complaints. My husband spent more than he made, he would go out until all hours of the night (waking me up and making me tired for work the next day), and he really did not SEEM motivated to work at all. All of this contributed to a bigger issue in our marriage, which was my perception that he really didn't want married life.

 

4. I was unhappy with what I perceived as an incredible imbalance in the "load-bearing" in our relationship. What I didn't know was that, though he did not let me see it, my husband was just as unhappy with the situation. Because I did not know he was bothered, I felt taken advantage of.

 

I am not saying Mrs. Burt is right, and I'm not saying she isn't. I am saying that the first step to addressing this problem is to figure out all of the "junk" surrounding the heart of the matter (misconceptions, family histories, assumptions about what is meant by certain actions, etc.)

 

I wish you the best of luck. I'm open to answering any questions anyone might have about my opinion or situation if that would be helpful to other posters.

[rble618740]

You say something about your wife thinking you're a "loser." Has she said this? If not, two points to ponder:

 

1. Could your guess at her thoughts be wrong?

2. Is this your wife "making" you feel like a loser or could some of this be a reflection of your own disappointment with your level of career achievement thus far?

 

Just some thoughts. I don't mean to hijack the thread. I just really feel like my husband and I have worked through some of the issues you are dealing with.