[UPDATE] FWB isn't reaching out to me

[glows]

Yeah. I think there was the reference earlier to being able to care for FWBs and it’s not always just about sex which I agree with in some respects - the “friend” aspect being a little more involved than a ONS for ie. 

Either way, hopefully this blows over in time. Enjoy more of the “benefits” of these friends rather than focusing too heavily on the friendship. 

[ExpatInItaly]

8 hours ago, Starrybeach said:

After all, I made him a very generous offer and he was (IMO) stupid enough not to take it or, if he truly was that busy,  to show me at least enough interest to keep me around!

That's the thing - he evidently wasn't that interested in keeping you around any longer. 

It sucks to feel rejected, but it's better to face the truth and bow out gracefully. 

[Wiseman2]

8 hours ago, Starrybeach said:

, he's  a surfer who travels a lot and I suspect  he just wants to "go with the flow"

Yes absolutely. A holiday fling was just like catching a good wave for a fun, nothing more. Once you're on shore that wave is gone and it's time to look for the next wave.

[justwhoiam]

On 11/1/2022 at 11:39 PM, Starrybeach said:

the most likely explanation for his behaviour was that he just wasn't interested enough.

Hi, you keep calling him a FWB, but he never was one. Not with you. A friend with benefits is someone who's entertaining a friendship with you. There's no hint of friendship there, not from him. Maybe you thought it could evolve into a friendship, but it didn't. It was just 2 or 3 sexual encounters. The texting that occurred to arrange the hookup and inbetween encounters doesn't qualify as friendship. I hope you understand that.

"He probably was being honest about visiting me at some point, but I wanted him to visit me sooner rather than later"

Someone traveling will visit you when it suits him, not when you feel like it. That's the whole arrangement with casual hookups. He was keeping it open for more sex should he happen to be in your area. You're no more than a free sex provider to him and all the guys having sex with you.

"I took some bad advice at the beginning and tried to maintain/build a bit of a connection by chat, (I am older than him, more financially secure and he told me he found me an "intimidating woman" so my friend convinced me I should "lead" a bit), but was probably a turn off for him and led to him being hesitant to initiate contact."

You're 32, he's 25. You were easy sex to him at first, then you turned into kind of needy. So he just had to quickly brush off any initial open offer he made. You need to understand you're too much work not because you actually are, but because you'll always be to the sexual partners you choose. Who are they? Men looking for free sex. Which means that the dissatisfaction you're experiencing is on you, no matter how hard you try to convince us you like being single and getting sex wherever even by paying for it. Just start asking yourself what you really want for your life in the future, what you'd want your life to be when you're 40, 50, 60.

"he wasn't very interested in texting more than a couple of lines despite not having heard from me for 12 days. So as I said earlier, that was the signal for me to let it go. I said goodbye, gently closing the door to any sexting or visits."

Wise decision.

"I know there was that element of validation and ego boost for him."

Yeah, you let him check that box.

"it was [...] how into me he was that I found very attractive."

It seems like you're so used to guys not being into you that once you find one, it makes a difference. Guess if you met someone falling for you...

"he told me he recently had a fling with a very attractive young girl who was visiting his town (probably another reason why he was losing interest in me...)"

You only lose interest had it been there to begin with. I never really saw it from him, by reading your posts.

"Regarding being used, I do worry that he told me he would come visit just so I would agree to sexting. He knew that I had a policy of not sending nudes (not even without my face) and I ended up making an exception for him [...] I will never know."

You have all the answers already. Most men don't respect women who sleep around. They just objectify them. The proof is in his behavior and type of requests. You need to understand if you want to continue to be seen like that, or if you want to start thinking higher of yourself and look for higher quality relationship(s). It's like settling for having potato skins only, when you could have all of it.

"When you have FWB in other cities/countries you get both sex and travel so what's not to like ;-)"

Friendships need to be nurtured. Some men don't feel like nurturing anything. They just want easy sex. Get it?

On 11/2/2022 at 10:01 PM, Starrybeach said:

I am quite happy with my current local FWBs , actually, they appreciate me and I don't have to contact them, they contact me.

I feel they appreciate your free services, but would I call them friends? They just reach out to you and we already know what the purpose is.

[Starrybeach]

Thank you all once again for your comments. I don't agree with a few of the statements but overall your perspective is very helpful and much appreciated.

Especially now that it's been a few weeks and the "infatuation" has basically worn out, I can see things much more clearly.

At the time, when I decided to contact him, I envisioned something very different, and much easier, where we would just chat from time to time and hopefully, maybe, he would visit at some point. What I wasn't counting on was that he would act "hot and cold" and that would hook me more. If you read up on it, intermittent attention, push and pull, is actually the most addictive behaviour one can experience, and it caught me off guard. He didn't do it on purpose to hook me, but he did it.

And yes, I set myself up to be rejected by being the one leading most of the time. I was ok with it at the beginning, as I didn't care much either way and was just happy to give it a shot. I just didn't anticipate, like I said, that I would get more hooked later and as some of you mentioned, it ended up being way too much effort on my part.

Regarding guys falling for me, as I said I don't believe in that kind of love. A guy might become infatuated with me like it happened to me with this guy, but that is not love. And in my experience, guys are able to move on from their infatuation very easily, at least when they have other options. So no, I'm not interested in love or a committed relationship, at least not for the forseeable future. 

I feel that the comment about feeling used has been blown out of proportion. In general, I don't feel used. And I am not bitter in the least either. But if he lied to get me to do something sexual for him, that is basically the definition of using someone, ok? As I said, I have no way of knowing if he was honest or not so I will never know, but it would definitely be fair to say he used me IF he lied.

Regarding other FWBs, they don't see me as "free sex". They are caring and respecful and we also do other things that are not sex from time to time. It's kind of very low key dating, but without any expectations of a future and no exclusivity. It works for me as the sex is amazing and there is some emotional connection as well, but just as friends.

Edited November 10, 2022 by Starrybeach

[Wiseman2]

16 minutes ago, Starrybeach said:

 It works for me as the sex is amazing and there is some emotional connection as well, but just as friends.

If you pursue this locally, where your description of FWB (friends that do stuff and have sex) is applied, you'll probably have a better experience than trying to pursue a vacation fling.

He wasn't trying to get you "addicted" by being indifferent. Perhaps the entire milieu of a vacation setting flavored this to be more spicy than it was.

[Starrybeach]

10 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

If you pursue this locally, where your description of FWB (friends that do stuff and have sex) is applied, you'll probably have a better experience than trying to pursue a vacation fling.

He wasn't trying to get you "addicted" by being indifferent. Perhaps the entire milieu of a vacation setting flavored this to be more spicy than it was.

Yes, I said as much, I know he didn't do it on purpose. I agree that the vacation setting, the beach and his calling it a "romance" and other things he wrote to me contributed to the difficulty in letting it go. There was chemistry for sure.