[UPDATE] FWB isn't reaching out to me

[ExpatInItaly]

8 hours ago, Starrybeach said:

And do you not think I should address this with him next time we chat?

No, because it is really not your business. You hardly know the guy and you are not dating. 

We told you in your last thread that you need to let go here. He is not interested in the arrangement you woud like, and it's clear he's barely interested in keeping in contact at this point. He doesn't have the stones to tell you to back off, but his actions are saying it. 

It's going to be best that you take the hint and move on. If you don't, you risk making yourself look desperate and I can't imagine that's the look you are going for.  

[ExpatInItaly]

10 hours ago, Starrybeach said:

He is clearly into me but acts hot and cold and tells me to text less often.

I think you are in quite a bit of denial. 

A man who is clearly into you isn't going to blow hot and cold and tell you to stop texting so much. I promise you. You are selling yourself short by convincing yourself that this is how an interested man behaves. It's really not, and I think you know that but are having a hard time accepting it because it hurts your feelings. 

[Starrybeach]

5 hours ago, BaileyB said:

Well then, that tells you how much he is willing to invest and how much he values your “friendship.” 

It seems odd to me that you say you want a casual FWB relationship but then you have the expectation of regular contact. Clearly, he has a different definition of “casual” and “FWB” than you do… He’s likely hoping to hit you up for sex when he comes to town more so than he’s looking for a pen pal. 

I agree that him rarely initiating contact is not a good sign. I have continued this because of all the other signs of interest and because it has mostly been a lot of fun to chat with him these last two months.

And yes, different people understand FWB differently (I guess every type of relationship, really). I don't see why a FWB means you cannot have regular contact. It just means there is no romantic commitment or exclusivity but you can still establish some form of "routine" and/or ground rules that make things easier.

Edited October 21, 2022 by Starrybeach

[Starrybeach]

5 hours ago, BaileyB said:

Well yeah, he told you that he didn’t want to talk to you except to arrange a meeting - 
 

Please don't twist my words. That is not what he told me.

5 hours ago, BaileyB said:

It’s more like you are putting yourself in a very tricky situation by trying to communicate and build a relationship with a man who has told you - he’s not really interested. 
 

I accept my part of the blame in putting myself in this situation, I chose to get into it. But again, you are twisting it. He has never told me he's not interested. He has specifically said he wants to keep on texting and visit me.

5 hours ago, BaileyB said:

Men who really like a woman don’t tend to take a - I won’t call you, but I will respond if you text me (but please, not more than two days in a row) approach…
 

Again, not really that interested… when I can, I will come and have sex with you. 

Men who are single and want to pursue a relationship with a girl they like don't take that approach, for sure. But men who don't see any possibility of a relationship with a woman because of distance and life circumstances, and who may also be involved with another woman, would take that approach, wouldn't they? This is the latter, there is no possibility of a relationship.

5 hours ago, BaileyB said:

It’a likely to fade - he’s not investing. He has been pretty clear with his intention, you just don’t want to accept it…
 

Again, he’s told you and demonstrated to you what he is willing to offer. Accept it, or move on. 
 

This is unnecessary, I accept this is just a long distance FWB. I am willing to move on if it becomes more grief than fun, as I said. And the whole point is that he hasn't been clear. The only thing that's clear is that he doesn't want a relationship, but he wants to keep in contact and so do I.

[Starrybeach]

2 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

No, because it is really not your business. You hardly know the guy and you are not dating. 

We told you in your last thread that you need to let go here. He is not interested in the arrangement you woud like, and it's clear he's barely interested in keeping in contact at this point. He doesn't have the stones to tell you to back off, but his actions are saying it. 

It's going to be best that you take the hint and move on. If you don't, you risk making yourself look desperate and I can't imagine that's the look you are going for.  

I think you intentions might be to help me, and I appreciate that. But please don't misrepresent the last thread. Many people told me to go for it and keep in contact with him. Others thought I should let it go.

I kept in contact and it has been great, for the most part. So for me it was the right decision.

I think you are overreaching when you make the assumption that he doesn't want to keep in contact but he lacks the stones to tell me. Nowadays people rarely have the stones anyway, they just simply ghost you. So if what you say is true, he would have ghosted me by now. But he always replies as soon as he sees my message, which is the opposite of ghosting.

[Starrybeach]

3 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

I think you are in quite a bit of denial. 

A man who is clearly into you isn't going to blow hot and cold and tell you to stop texting so much. I promise you. You are selling yourself short by convincing yourself that this is how an interested man behaves. It's really not, and I think you know that but are having a hard time accepting it because it hurts your feelings. 

Thanks for your point of view. I don't think I am in denial, I am trying to judge from the information I have, which is mixed, what is really going on.

I agree that him not initiating contact more often and telling me on two occasions to text less often are bad signs. But there are many other positive signs including what he has directly told me. So before giving up, I just would like to have a bit more clarity. What is the reason for the mixed signals?

Is it because he's kind of interested, wants to keep me around but has no intention of ever visiting me? Or is it because he actually has a girlfriend that he didn't tell me about? Or is it something else? I could easily just move on without knowing, and I may have to soon, but I'd prefer to know and not have any "what ifs".

That's why I'm in this forum. For people to give me advice on how to figure it out, not to tell me to just move on

[ExpatInItaly]

If you want clarity, stop reaching out to him completely. 

An interested man will take initiative to keep in touch without any prompting from you at all. 

[Starrybeach]

 

2 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

If you want clarity, stop reaching out to him completely. 

An interested man will take initiative to keep in touch without any prompting from you at all. 

Of course, that would give me some clarity on how interested he really is, but not on his situation. I have stopped texting him, by the way, and I will not for at least two weeks. But if he doesn't reach out in that time, I know you're going to say I'll have my answer but I think I'll prefer to contact him one last time and get some insight, then call it quits.

[ExpatInItaly]

Let’s he tells you he doesn’t have a girlfriend. 

Would you still be able to let this go, knowing he’s just not that interested despite being single? Something tells me you’re going to have trouble accepting that. 

[Starrybeach]

I would definitely be able to let it go, but it would be harder for sure. I was ready to let it go two weeks ago before suspecting he had a girlfriend, but he told me he wanted to keep on texting so I continued. 

Edited October 21, 2022 by Starrybeach

[Starrybeach]

1 hour ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Let’s he tells you he doesn’t have a girlfriend. 

Would you still be able to let this go, knowing he’s just not that interested despite being single? Something tells me you’re going to have trouble accepting that. 

I would definitely be able to let it go, but it would be harder for sure. I was ready to let it go two weeks ago before suspecting he had a girlfriend, but he told me he wanted to keep on texting so I continued. 

[glows]

Not sure how having a gf matters. The point is he doesn’t want to talk/text as often. At the risk of sounding crude here, as an fwb, how much benefit is he to you if there’s not enough sex at all to begin with since it’s ldr? I hope he’s not the only guy you’re seeing or having fun with? Save the chats for friends and family. Let him reach out if he feels like it. He’s a free spirit so match that and be free.

You can ask any question you want - why be so inhibited? You’re not impressing anyone and you can’t scare him off. He either likes you the way you are or not, he can take it or leave it. Be confident and comfortable with whatever you choose. 

[BaileyB]

4 hours ago, Starrybeach said:

I don't see why a FWB means you cannot have regular contact.

This is called dating. You want to date this man without making a commitment to be exclusive and he has clearly told you that he’s not interested. 

[BaileyB]

2 hours ago, Starrybeach said:

I have stopped texting him, by the way, and I will not for at least two weeks. But if he doesn't reach out in that time, I know you're going to say I'll have my answer but I think I'll prefer to contact him one last time and get some insight, then call it quits.

What else are you expecting that he will say? You have no right to ask him if he has a girlfriend or if he is dating others. Asking him why he doesn’t text you is not a good look - it make you look pathetic and clingy. If he has already told you that he doesn’t like you to text two days in a row - he finds that an intrusion - he is not going to appreciate any questions about his other relationships or his life. 

Girl, when a man tells you that he is not interested - real relationship or FWB - you got to believe him! 

[Starrybeach]

22 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

This is called dating. You want to date this man without making a commitment to be exclusive and he has clearly told you that he’s not interested. 

I disagree completely with each of your statements. Dating involves doing  things other than sex (and often, especially at the beginning, no sex) and FWB is only about sex 

[Starrybeach]

3 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

What else are you expecting that he will say? You have no right to ask him if he has a girlfriend or if he is dating others. Asking him why he doesn’t text you is not a good look - it make you look pathetic and clingy. If he has already told you that he doesn’t like you to text two days in a row - he finds that an intrusion - he is not going to appreciate any questions about his other relationships or his life. 

Girl, when a man tells you that he is not interested - real relationship or FWB - you got to believe him! 

Again, I disagree with each of your statements. Also, you keep saying he has told me he is not interested and this is false.

Edited October 21, 2022 by Starrybeach

[Starrybeach]

45 minutes ago, glows said:

Not sure how having a gf matters. The point is he doesn’t want to talk/text as often. At the risk of sounding crude here, as an fwb, how much benefit is he to you if there’s not enough sex at all to begin with since it’s ldr? I hope he’s not the only guy you’re seeing or having fun with? Save the chats for friends and family. Let him reach out if he feels like it. He’s a free spirit so match that and be free.

You can ask any question you want - why be so inhibited? You’re not impressing anyone and you can’t scare him off. He either likes you the way you are or not, he can take it or leave it. Be confident and comfortable with whatever you choose. 

Thank you for your advice Glows. To answer your questions, the benefit for me was sexting and chatting, which was a lot of fun with him, and that he would in principle visit me at some point (which now seems almost certain it won't happen)

He was definitely not the only guy, as I said in the OP, I have several other FWB locally.

I appreciate your advice to match him at his level, which I've been trying to do so far but his level was just a bit too low for me at times 😆

Also, thanks for the advice of just being confident and asking whatever I want. I am generally confident but I do know that men are a bit of a different species and over text it is so easy to misinterpret things and for things not to come out as one intended.

[BaileyB]

10 minutes ago, Starrybeach said:

I appreciate your advice to match him at his level, which I've been trying to do so far but his level was just a bit too low for me at times 😆

That tells you something. 

10 minutes ago, Starrybeach said:

To answer your questions, the benefit for me was sexting and chatting, which was a lot of fun with him

Sure, but he will only sext and chat when you initiate. Again, that tells you something. 

10 minutes ago, Starrybeach said:

he would in principle visit me at some point (which now seems almost certain it won't happen)

Which is probably why he doesn’t want to text and chat with you. When the nature of the relationship is sex, and you are unable to spend time together in person, many people would consider texting to be a waste of time…

 

Edited October 21, 2022 by BaileyB

[glows]

7 minutes ago, Starrybeach said:

Thank you for your advice Glows. To answer your questions, the benefit for me was sexting and chatting, which was a lot of fun with him, and that he would in principle visit me at some point (which now seems almost certain it won't happen)

He was definitely not the only guy, as I said in the OP, I have several other FWB locally.

I appreciate your advice to match him at his level, which I've been trying to do so far but his level was just a bit too low for me at times 😆

Also, thanks for the advice of just being confident and asking whatever I want. I am generally confident but I do know that men are a bit of a different species and over text it is so easy to misinterpret things and for things not to come out as one intended.

Men are the same species. Try not to ascribe to gender stereotypes. You alienate yourself and make excuses for bad behaviour or incompatibilities if they’re mistaken for a “man thing”. Do you think you’re hanging on because he said he might move to your city? I skimmed the previous thread again. 

A top guideline for any dating situation or romance is letting someone show you who they are over time. If he’s interested he’ll show you that. If the person isn’t, you’ll sense distancing and growing apart. 

Second, there’s not enough time spent in person. Think of all the time you could be spending texting and meeting someone else or doing other things. You both had some chemistry when you last saw each other but it doesn’t translate that way over texting. I think sexting gets stale after awhile. There are numerous ways to say the same thing but in the end you’re just pleasuring yourself. It’s not unnatural to want more. You don’t need a relationship to want more. Just have a sexy fwb down for the real thing closer to you anytime anywhere.

I can’t tell you whether he’s involved with anyone else but the likelihood he may think you’re a little too into him may be more of the case and he’s pulling back. If you’re not able to cool off with him, there’s always the option to stop. Asking him if he has a gf gives away that you care if he likes/loves someone else. This isn’t about love. It’s about sex and convenient sex if we’re talking about fwb. You don’t need to try so hard to decipher him. Let it flow or just move on.

[BaileyB]

57 minutes ago, Starrybeach said:

Also, you keep saying he has told me he is not interested and this is false.

Quote

 

- he told me he would not contact me

- Early on, I contacted him two days on a row and he told me that he is busy and I "shouldn't push for texting all the time" 

- Sometimes he only gives me quick one-word replies as if he isn't interested in texting

- I was not able to find out much about his life. 

- He told me that he would never be able to be in an exclusive relationship. He has mentioned having a sex buddy and also a "friend" that was visiting him.

- Two weeks ago, I asked him point blank if he wanted us to stop texting because he seemed to be losing interest. He said perhaps I should text less often (!). He agreed to try to chat every Wednesday, but without it being set in stone. 

 

Men who are interested show their interest. You don’t have to initiate all the time. You aren’t left wondering if they are interested or not. HE has told you with his words and HE is showing you with his actions how invested he is in this relationship. 

As women, we save ourselves a lot of grief when we stop chasing unavailable men who are just not interested. 

Edited October 21, 2022 by BaileyB

[LynneVicious]

Hi StarryBeach

You posed a question to this forum to get opinions. People are giving you them but you are shooting them down because you are in denial.

From an objective point of view, he seems completely disinterested in a relationship of any capacity: sexual, fwb, conventional , platonic or otherwise. It’s easy for us to see the writing on the wall because we are not emotionally connected to your situation. You are, and appear to be projecting your feelings onto him, but from an objective point of view, everything you’ve shared reads as though this was a one time fling and he’s done. 

i know it’s difficult and you want to believe what you believe; but what would you tell your best friend if she posed this same question to you? 

You seem intelligent and confident. It would better serve you to make new connections locally with men that share your same interest level. It’s better for your confidence and mental health… because rejection stings. 

Don’t put a time limit on contacting him. Just don’t contact him at all and let other men court you who are equally interested! Good luck!

[Alpacalia]

You're not listening to what he's saying.

He has made it clear that he is not interested in a relationship, and you are going over the line of what he is comfortable with.

A man who isn't ready for you now won't be ready later. As much as you like him and think he's awesome, he isn't concerned with you. Now if you want to explore him sexually with no strings attached then go ahead!

But stop trying to change it into anything more.

[stillafool]

18 hours ago, Starrybeach said:

Quote

 

When we last saw each other in person, he said he wouldn't contact me to ask "how are you doing" and he doesn't do this with any of his friends either; he only chats when they are going to meet or for a specific reason. But that I could contact him and he would reply.

And pretty much that's what has happened, except that sometimes when I have contacted him he replied but seemed uninterested. And if I text him two days in a row then it's "too much". 

 

If you know he doesn't seem interested when you contact him why do you continue to do it rather than wait until he contacts you?  I imagine he will only contact when he's coming back your way and you guys can have sex.  If you continue to contact him when it's unwanted he probably will not contact you for sex when he comes back because it's clear your feelings are involved and that is not what he wants from you.

Quote

If he's in a relationship with this girl, believe me, it's from before he met me. That's clear from the photos.

Where did you see photos of them?  What difference does it make if it was before or after he met you.  He just had a hook up with you and if he had a gf the time to ask him about it was before you had sex with him.  It doesn't matter now.

Quote

So I feel he's putting me in a very tricky situation. I can feel he really likes me. He nearly always replies to me straight away (a sign of interest). He has told me he doesn't want to stop texting and he will visit me (when he can/someday). But he rarely initiates contact and is busy half the times that I do!

What tricky situation is he putting you in?  Nothing you've written signals he really likes you in a romantic way.  If he did he wouldn't have asked you not to text him so much and then continue to repeat it to you.  I answer texts right away also otherwise people continue to text me and I don't want that.  Not a sign I like them.

Quote

I can wait for him to contact me but I worry it may just fade and I'd rather know what his situation is, get some form of an agreement that works for both of us, or say goodbye.

Why does it matter so much if it fades out if he isn't interested in you enough to be the first to contact you?  I think think this guy liked having sex with an older woman but that is as far as he wants to go.  I think he is trying not to hurt your feelings too much by telling you he still wants you to text.  He obviously doesn't mean that or he'd welcome communication rather than tell you it's too much.  If you have other FWBs why is this guy who shows no interest in you so important?  Why not turn your attention to one of the other FWBs?

 

19 hours ago, Starrybeach said:

I see your point. If I believe what he has told me so far, he only has a "friend" and it's not exclusive.

He has been very open, generally, and everything he's told me regarding other aspects of his life was true.

We just haven't had enough conversations to talk in detail about his relationship status yet. So I don't feel it is out of the question for me to ask him if he has a girlfriend, it wouldn't feel to "relationshipy" if I ask when it feels natural in the conversation, as opposed to "having a talk"

As you can see there's really no need to contact him in 2 weeks to ask him if he has a girlfriend.  He gave you the answer above.

 

[LynneVicious]

13 minutes ago, stillafool said:

If he did he wouldn't have asked you not to text him so much and then continue to repeat it to you.

The one that stood out to me was when he was sick and she texted him two days in a row and he simply texted, “too much”. That’s painful. 

[shellzbellz83]

Gently, OP, I'm not seeing anything suggesting this man is interested in or into you. Quite the opposite, though it seems you are unwilling to consider that possibility. I agree 100% with the advice to back off completely; it's the only way you'll ever know for yourself if he's independently interested or only replying out of boredom/desire for a quick ego boost. You're already planning to reach out again after 2 weeks because you know deep down it's incredibly unlikely he will contact you, which is your answer in and of itself.