[UPDATE] FWB isn't reaching out to me

[NuevoYorko]

There is ONE pure answer to all of your issues with this man:  STOP CONTACTING HIM.  If he contacts you and makes an effort to plan to see you, then you can be sure that he's "into you" at least enough to do that, even if you are going to pay for the visit.

I know it would not be "easy" for you to take this advice, but it's very simple.

Frankly, when he told you he would not contact you after your holiday fling,  I would have taken that as "not into" you, beyond what had already happened on your vacation.  He's "told" you in not even subtle ways throughout this that he's not.  Honestly it's kind of hard to read this because the lack of interest and effort is so forthcoming.  

Who he is seeing and what they mean to him is really out of bounds.  You will probably try to "hold him accountable" to tell you who he is seeing and define the relationship he has with them - but that is wrong of you to do in these circumstances.  If he wants you to know anything about his personal life, he can decide whetehr to share it with you or not.

"FWB" has a societal meaning and it is NOT what you are doing.   It's supposed to be easy and spontaneous.   AFAIK it's not really meant to define a "text buddy" type of thing.  Especially one with so many complicated and not intuitive strings attached.  

You're not going to be able to force this person into a situation that you are defining all by yourself.  

 

 

 

[Starrybeach]

Hello everyone. Unfortunately, I don't have time to reply to each of your comments individually, so I will just make a few general remarks that hopefully cover everything.

1) I feel the tone of many comments is on the aggressive/ judgmental side. If you want to offer advice, don't attack me because I will just dismiss your opinion. In the OP I asked people to only comment if they empathise, and to be kind.

2) I am open to reading your opinions and taking them into consideration, but when it appears to me that you may have interpreted something I wrote out of context, are making (perhaps unwittingly) assumptions that are wrong, or even false statements (perhaps because you haven't been able to read the whole thread), I have to trust my own perception because I am the only one who actually has met this man and has been in the conversations.

3) I already said in the OP I am nearly at the point of calling it quits. You don't need to go on and on about whether he doesn't have interest. I have said several times that I know him not initiating and telling me on two occasions to write less often are a bad sign.

4) The only reason I am hanging on is because I feel his behaviour could be explained if he was in a relationship and I would like to find out.

5) I'm the kind of person that doesn't give up on others so easily. But I am also not delusional. I have given this a try and I don't regret it. I will wait for him to contact me and if he doesn't, I will one last time. This doesn't make me pathetic.

[LynneVicious]

StarryBeach,

im sorry you feel you’re being judged, but you did ask for advice, which is what we are giving. The point of boards like this is to get objective advice from strangers. Some posters get upset when the advice doesn’t align with what they want to hear, but then that wouldn’t be helpful. 

I do empathize with your situation and it sounds like you’re in turmoil. It sounds like you are looking for answers to explain his actual behavior. No one can guess what he’s thinking of though, just advise on what you’ve told us and your actions. The only person who’s actions you can control is your own. 

If you are looking for answers as to why he is acting uninterested, then your best bet would be to probably just ask him. I know that would be scary, but instead of guessing more and wondering if it’s because he has a girlfriend, you would then receive straight answers (hopefully) out of him that can answer any questions you have and put it to rest. 

Question: if he indeed has a girlfriend, would that change  your interest level and how you plan to move forward? Or would it be just to hopefully glean answers?

[NuevoYorko]

58 minutes ago, Starrybeach said:

 

1) I feel the tone of many comments is on the aggressive/ judgmental side. If you want to offer advice, don't attack me because I will just dismiss your opinion. In the OP I asked people to only comment if they empathise, and to be kind.

 

 

No one has been unkind, and most seem to empathize.  I bet every one of us has been in a similar situation,  where we wanted something more with a person who was clearly not interested in the same thing with us.  That's empathy.

Pretending that there is any hope for a future (labeled however you choose) with THIS guy  would be dishonest and unhelpful to you. A reality check that gets through to you would be helpful.   I also believe that you need to learn to listen and believe what HE tells you and shows you by his actions.  That's an important part of all interpersonal relationships.  You can't trust people who refuse to hear you or take you seriously.    

If you want to chase this guy until he has to do something on the cruel side to get his point across, that's your choice.   I hope it doesn't need to come to that. It will be hurtful to you and also you will have put this guy, who you claim to like, in a pretty bad position that was unnecessary.   Some of us can probably empathize with the guy a little bit as well.  

 

 

[ExpatInItaly]

1 hour ago, Starrybeach said:

5) I'm the kind of person that doesn't give up on others so easily.

This would be more appropriate if you knew him better or were actually dating him. 

But as it stands, there's really nothing to give up on. You had a bit of fun but that was it. He seems to sense that you got too attached and too quickly and he's taken a bigger step back. 

I also wonder what is keeping you hung up on this man specifically. You say you have lots of local FWBs so it's not clear why you're so focused on a guy who lives far away and is not that interested. He doesn't sound like anything special and you have other options. Why waste any emotional energy on this one at all? 

[shellzbellz83]

OP, I personally have a great deal of empathy for you, as I spent much of my 20s (and even early 30s) doing exactly what you're doing in this thread with various different men -- twisting myself into knots trying to make sense of behavior that ultimately boiled down to, "he just isn't that interested" or "we just don't want the same thing," though I did not want to accept it at the time. And honestly, the other person's interest can sometimes be diminished when they sense desperation/pushiness. Always contacting him first, trying to schedule a specific day to check in despite him indicating he won't initiate and doesn't want to hear from you too often, offering to pay for him to come have sex with you -- all of those are things that would pretty quickly deflate any interest he may have had at the outset. That kind of pressure and expectation is a lot to deal with just for the idea of maybe having another quick fling at some undetermined point in the future.

That said, if you totally trust your own perceptions and have decided you're going to reach out again even he continues to disregard you, I'm not sure there's anything else to add. It sounds like you have your plan already, unless I'm missing something.

[Starrybeach]

7 minutes ago, LynneVicious said:

StarryBeach,

im sorry you feel you’re being judged, but you did ask for advice, which is what we are giving. The point of boards like this is to get objective advice from strangers. Some posters get upset when the advice doesn’t align with what they want to hear, but then that wouldn’t be helpful. 

I do empathize with your situation and it sounds like you’re in turmoil. It sounds like you are looking for answers to explain his actual behavior. No one can guess what he’s thinking of though, just advise on what you’ve told us and your actions. The only person who’s actions you can control is your own. 

If you are looking for answers as to why he is acting uninterested, then your best bet would be to probably just ask him. I know that would be scary, but instead of guessing more and wondering if it’s because he has a girlfriend, you would then receive straight answers (hopefully) out of him that can answer any questions you have and put it to rest. 

Question: if he indeed has a girlfriend, would that change  your interest level and how you plan to move forward? Or would it be just to hopefully glean answers?

Thank you so much for this, Lynne, it's much more helpful this way. 

You are right that I am interested in finding out why he is acting this way. Some people on here feel that I shouldn't care about why, but I am naturally curious and I prefer to understand people than just moving on without ever knowing, when I could have just asked. If he had treated me badly, it would be a different story, and I would just not care. But he has been honest and responsive to me.

If he has a girlfriend and it's supposed to be exclusive, then I would say goodbye because he lied to me and cheated on her.

If he has a girlfriend and it is true that it is not an exclusive relationship, but he just doesn't want to be overtly texting with another woman when she's around, then I would understand. I know people in ENM relationships and they have certain rules that they follow, boundaries. 

[BaileyB]

 

6 minutes ago, Starrybeach said:

If he has a girlfriend and it is true that it is not an exclusive relationship, but he just doesn't want to be overtly texting with another woman when she's around, then I would understand.

How would you verify this?

6 minutes ago, Starrybeach said:

I am interested in finding out why he is acting this way. Some people on here feel that I shouldn't care about why, but I am naturally curious and I prefer to understand people than just moving on without ever knowing, when I could have just asked.

One thing to consider, whether he does or does not tell you is entirely his decision. You are not in a relationship with the man, he is not obligated to offer any explanation. If he has been kind and honest with you previously, he may tell you. But, many people get vague explanations when relationships end… “It’s not you, it’s me. I’m busy with work and life. The distance makes it too hard to meet again.” You may have to walk away never actually knowing the reason, and that’s ok.

Edited October 21, 2022 by BaileyB

[Starrybeach]

14 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

This would be more appropriate if you knew him better or were actually dating him. 

But as it stands, there's really nothing to give up on. You had a bit of fun but that was it. He seems to sense that you got too attached and too quickly and he's taken a bigger step back. 

I also wonder what is keeping you hung up on this man specifically. You say you have lots of local FWBs so it's not clear why you're so focused on a guy who lives far away and is not that interested. He doesn't sound like anything special and you have other options. Why waste any emotional energy on this one at all? 

I explained it in the OP, it's because we have great chemistry when it comes to sex. Our personalities just really gel.

The other FWBs I have are great too, it took me a while to find them, and they have different personalities and bring something else to the table. But call me greedy, I still wanted to keep the long distance one as well because it was just a lot of fun. Someone said they thought sexting gets stale and perhaps eventually it would but for the moment it is nowhere near that point.

[Starrybeach]

5 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

 

How would you verify this?

I would have to trust him, but so far he has been honest as far as I can tell.

5 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

One thing to consider, whether he does or does not tell you is entirely his decision. You are not in a relationship with the man, he is not obligated to offer any explanation. If he has been kind and honest with you previously, he may tell you. But, many people get vague explanations when relationships end… “It’s not you, it’s me. I’m busy with work and life. The distance makes it too hard to meet again.” You may have to walk away never actually knowing the reason, and that’s ok.

Thanks for this, it's good to be prepared knowing that I can ask but he doesn't really owe me an answer. We have been in contact for over two months, so I think a considerate person would give an answer, but you are right that he may not and it would be ok.

[BaileyB]

5 minutes ago, Starrybeach said:

We have been in contact for over two months, so I think a considerate person would give an answer, but you are right that he may not and it would be ok.

I agree, but you may still be dissatisfied by his answer. As I say, many people provide a vague answer when pressed because they want to avoid conflict. It’s easier to offer some kind of vague “it’s just not working out” rather than the real reason which may hurt someone. 

I wouldn’t be surprised if he actually just restated what he’s told you before - he’s not one for commitment, he has several different relationships with women, he doesn’t mind responding if you want to keep in touch, but that’s all he can offer…

And that, is actually a valid and very honest answer. It just may not be what you want to hear. 

Edited October 21, 2022 by BaileyB

[Starrybeach]

35 minutes ago, shellzbellz83 said:

OP, I personally have a great deal of empathy for you, as I spent much of my 20s (and even early 30s) doing exactly what you're doing in this thread with various different men -- twisting myself into knots trying to make sense of behavior that ultimately boiled down to, "he just isn't that interested" or "we just don't want the same thing," though I did not want to accept it at the time. And honestly, the other person's interest can sometimes be diminished when they sense desperation/pushiness. Always contacting him first, trying to schedule a specific day to check in despite him indicating he won't initiate and doesn't want to hear from you too often, offering to pay for him to come have sex with you -- all of those are things that would pretty quickly deflate any interest he may have had at the outset. That kind of pressure and expectation is a lot to deal with just for the idea of maybe having another quick fling at some undetermined point in the future.

That said, if you totally trust your own perceptions and have decided you're going to reach out again even he continues to disregard you, I'm not sure there's anything else to add. It sounds like you have your plan already, unless I'm missing something.

Thank you for your perspective, it is helpful to hear it from someone who's experienced something similar.

I have definitely avoided putting pressure on him. I also didn't pressure the idea of setting a specific day, he agreed to it quite readily and offered two days, Tuesdays and Wednesdays. But he also was honest and added that his schedule was very unpredictable so we agreed on Wednesdays, but not "set in stone"

At the time, I assumed this meant he's partying a lot, which is still a possibility, but now I know it could also mean that he can't predict which evenings he'll be free and which he'll be with his possible girlfriend...

Edited October 21, 2022 by Starrybeach

[Starrybeach]

9 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

I agree, but you may still be dissatisfied by his answer. As I say, many people provide a vague answer when pressed because they want to avoid conflict. It’s easier to offer some kind of vague “it’s just not working out” rather than the real reason which may hurt someone. 

I wouldn’t be surprised if he actually just restated what he’s told you before - he’s not one for commitment, he has several different relationships with women, he doesn’t mind responding if you want to keep in touch, but that’s all he can offer…

And that, is actually a valid and very honest answer. It just may not be what you want to hear. 

Thanks for this. I wouldn't mind if this is the case, I would just tell him it doesn't work for me if he won't contact me and that will be it. But I'll feel better for having addressed it when I think back on it in the future. Otherwise it will always be a fade with a question mark.

[shellzbellz83]

2 minutes ago, Starrybeach said:

Thank you for your perspective, it is helpful to hear it from someone who's experienced something similar.

I have definitely avoided putting pressure on him. I also didn't pressure the idea of setting a specific day, he agreed to it quite readily and offered two days, Tuesdays and Wednesdays. But he also was honest and added that his schedule was very unpredictable.

At the time, I assumed this meant he's partying a lot, which is still a possibility, but now I know it may mean that he can't predict which evenings he'll be free and which he'll be with his girlfriend...

It sounds like you are considering 2 options: (1) he just isn't interested in the kind of connection you want, or (2) he is into you and is just pretending NOT to be into you because he has an exclusive girlfriend, but doesn't sneak around to contact you the way most cheating men would and hasn't taken you up on a free visit for sex in another country, away from the maybe-gf). I'm not asking you to answer it here, but maybe spend some honest time with yourself and ask if one of these scenarios sounds more likely than the other. Sometimes people just aren't interested in us the way we are in them, and sometimes we will never know exactly why. Your ego is likely wrapped up in this because you're human and it's just human nature -- but if you could get past that, I think you'd have an easier time recognizing this as a blip on the radar and moving forward.

Do you ordinarily struggle to let go when your interest isn't reciprocated, or is this new for you?

[Starrybeach]

28 minutes ago, shellzbellz83 said:

It sounds like you are considering 2 options: (1) he just isn't interested in the kind of connection you want, or (2) he is into you and is just pretending NOT to be into you because he has an exclusive girlfriend, but doesn't sneak around to contact you the way most cheating men would and hasn't taken you up on a free visit for sex in another country, away from the maybe-gf). I'm not asking you to answer it here, but maybe spend some honest time with yourself and ask if one of these scenarios sounds more likely than the other. Sometimes people just aren't interested in us the way we are in them, and sometimes we will never know exactly why. Your ego is likely wrapped up in this because you're human and it's just human nature -- but if you could get past that, I think you'd have an easier time recognizing this as a blip on the radar and moving forward.

Do you ordinarily struggle to let go when your interest isn't reciprocated, or is this new for you?

I'd say I know that he's not as keen as I am but, since I am not seeking a relationship, I am happy to match him at his level if what he has told me is true: that he likes me, that sex with me is the best he's had in a long time, that he wants to keep in contact and he wants to see me again (amongst other things). So, as long as I don't feel like he's using me, basically, I am quite flexible with whatever connection he is comfortable with.

So the scenarios I consider are 1) he's still interested but gets scared off if I contact him "too often" because he thinks I am pushing for a relationship (which I never have) and is reluctant to contact me so as not to give me the "wrong impression" or 2) he's still interested but he has a girlfriend (exclusive or not) that doesn't know about me or 3) he's been using me, saying things he doesn't mean just to keep me around for an ego boost.

But in all three scenarios I repeat, I know he's not head over heels in love with me. I don't have any delusions. He just likes me for great sex, and I him.

Edited October 21, 2022 by Starrybeach

[poppyfields]

1 hour ago, Starrybeach said:

So the scenarios I consider are 1) he's still interested but gets scared off if I contact him "too often" because he thinks I am pushing for a relationship (which I never have) and is reluctant to contact me so as not to give me the "wrong impression" ....

^^Have you considered the possibility that he's not "scared off" when you contact him too often, it's more that he's "turned off."

You mentioned he might be a "commitmentphobe," which would suggest he has a fear (phobia) of committed relationships.

That's not the impression I got from reading about your interactions with him.

He's not scared, he simply has no desire to be in a relationship with you, there is a big difference between those things.

I understand you don't want a relationship however I think it's important you start becoming emotionally honest with yourself because girl, this thread would NOT exist if you did not have strong feelings for this guy regardless of whether or not you want a relationship which I believe you when you say you don't. 

What you seek and need from him is his validation.

I took the below from your previous thread:

>>"sharing an intimate connection (the hugging, kissing and staring at each other's eyes, not just the sex) I know that for me there are a few days of "recovery" where I will miss that person, but it doesn't mean in the least that I have caught feelings."<<

With respect, who are you kidding here?  Of course you have feelings, come on now.

No one writes or even thinks about sharing an intimate connection wherein they're kissing and "staring into to each other's eyes" when they don't have feelings.

Your experience with him reads like a holiday fling.

When he texts "too much" that is your cue to back off and stop texting. 

Respect his boundaries about that and perhaps more importantly respect yourself and know when to back off and/or let something go.

You posted he doesn't give enough which propels you give more (text more, etc) that's not how it works. 

Again respect his boundaries, respect HIM and stop pushing, stop reaching.

It doesn't appear he even wants an FWB situation with you and is giving you every indication of that without flat out saying so. 

Stop projecting YOUR feelings on to him which I understand, I've done myself.  The brain has a way of playing tricks on us like that. 

Please know, a man can sexually  and emotionally connect with you, gaze longingly into your eyes, and have it mean nothing more than a ONS, a nice memory. 

Wish him well and walk away is my advice.  

He will probably be relieved based on everything he's said to you.   He may respect you more for it as well..

Since it's clear how much you like him, despite your assertions to the contrary, I'm sorry. 

 

 

 

 

Edited October 21, 2022 by poppyfields

[shellzbellz83]

1 hour ago, Starrybeach said:

I'd say I know that he's not as keen as I am but, since I am not seeking a relationship, I am happy to match him at his level if what he has told me is true: that he likes me, that sex with me is the best he's had in a long time, that he wants to keep in contact and he wants to see me again (amongst other things). So, as long as I don't feel like he's using me, basically, I am quite flexible with whatever connection he is comfortable with.

So the scenarios I consider are 1) he's still interested but gets scared off if I contact him "too often" because he thinks I am pushing for a relationship (which I never have) and is reluctant to contact me so as not to give me the "wrong impression" or 2) he's still interested but he has a girlfriend (exclusive or not) that doesn't know about me or 3) he's been using me, saying things he doesn't mean just to keep me around for an ego boost.

But in all three scenarios I repeat, I know he's not head over heels in love with me. I don't have any delusions. He just likes me for great sex, and I him.

I don't think it's 1 or 2, but I also don't think he's using you or saying things he doesn't mean. He may have felt some affinity for you in the moment, and he may have really enjoyed the sex. Those aren't uncommon things to feel when you have a fling like this. If someone told me they wouldn't initiate contact but would respond if I reached out, then subsequently said hearing from me 2 days in a row is "too much," I would solidly conclude they are not eager to keep in contact. If I was willing to pay for someone to come have sex with me and they were still being very non-committal about it, I would solidly conclude they are not eager to see me again. We all sometimes say things we mean in the moment. Time, distance, and the other person's behavior can change those feelings. I don't think it always means someone is using you or leading you on -- it can simply mean circumstances and feelings have changed.

[Starrybeach]

29 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

^^Have you considered the possibility that he's not "scared off" when you contact him too often, it's more that he's "turned off."

You mentioned he might be a "commitmentphobe," which would suggest he has a fear (phobia) of committed relationships.

That's not the impression I got from reading about your interactions with him.

He's not scared, he simply has no desire to be in a relationship with you, there is a big difference between those things.

I understand you don't want a relationship however I think it's important you start becoming emotionally honest with yourself because girl, this thread would NOT exist if you did not have strong feelings for this guy regardless of whether or not you want a relationship which I believe you when you say you don't. 

I took the below from your previous thread:

>>"sharing an intimate connection (the hugging, kissing and staring at each other's eyes, not just the sex) I know that for me there are a few days of "recovery" where I will miss that person, but it doesn't mean in the least that I have caught feelings."<<

With respect, who are you kidding here?  Of course you have feelings, come on now.

No one writes or even thinks about sharing an intimate connection wherein they're kissing and "staring into to each other's eyes" when they don't have feelings.

Your experience with him reads like a holiday fling.

When he texts "too much" that is your cue to back off and stop texting. 

Respect his boundaries about that and perhaps more importantly respect yourself and know when to back off and/or let something go.

You posted he doesn't give enough which propels you give more (text more, etc) that's not how it works. 

Again respect his boundaries, respect HIM and stop pushing, stop reaching.

It doesn't appear he even wants an FWB situation with you and is giving you every indication of that without flat out saying so. 

Stop projecting YOUR feelings on to him which I understand, I've done myself.  The brain has a way of playing tricks on us like that. 

Please know, a man can sexually  and emotionally connect with you, gaze longingly into your eyes, and have it mean nothing more than a ONS, a nice memory. 

Wish him well and walk away is my advice.  

He will probably be relieved based on everything he's said to you. 

 

 

 

 

Thank you for all this Poppy. To answer your questions:

Yes, scared off or turned off, basically the same idea. The more I pursue him, the more he may lose interest. I'm aware of that and I've not pursued him hard at all but more than I would have liked.

Regarding my feelings, I think I already mentioned it in my previous thread, I'm not sure. I have definitely experienced infatuation for him, I won't deny it. But not romantic feelings, i.e. wanting to spend all my time with him, doing things together, a relationship, etc. None of that. I may have briefly fantasized with the idea at the very beginning when he mentioned moving to my city, but I am truly being honest, we don't have much in common and I have never seriously entertained the idea of this being more than sex and a bit of conversation.

Regarding boundaries, I resent that you make it sound like I am pursuing him so much that I am not respecting him. I have respected him. He's told me to text less and I have. I have offered to stop texting and he has said no, keep texting. When have I not respected his boundaries?

Your assessment that he will be relieved if I leave him alone is harsh and I believe inaccurate. He's had many chances to end it, nicely or cruelly (just ghosting) and he has been clear that he wants to continue. With those exact words: "I want to keep on texting"

But yes, I agree that the time has come to let it go, unless there is a clear change (he reaches out) or a clear explanation for his inconsistent interest and a way forward.

Edited October 21, 2022 by Starrybeach

[Starrybeach]

4 minutes ago, shellzbellz83 said:

I don't think it's 1 or 2, but I also don't think he's using you or saying things he doesn't mean. He may have felt some affinity for you in the moment, and he may have really enjoyed the sex. Those aren't uncommon things to feel when you have a fling like this. If someone told me they wouldn't initiate contact but would respond if I reached out, then subsequently said hearing from me 2 days in a row is "too much," I would solidly conclude they are not eager to keep in contact. If I was willing to pay for someone to come have sex with me and they were still being very non-committal about it, I would solidly conclude they are not eager to see me again. We all sometimes say things we mean in the moment. Time, distance, and the other person's behavior can change those feelings. I don't think it always means someone is using you or leading you on -- it can simply mean circumstances and feelings have changed.

Yes, thank you for that assessment. I was going to add that scenario 3 was unlikely but took it out. It sometimes crosses my mind he's been insincere, but I agree that feelings just change.

Edited October 21, 2022 by Starrybeach

[NuevoYorko]

2 hours ago, Starrybeach said:

 

If he has a girlfriend and it's supposed to be exclusive, then I would say goodbye because he lied to me and cheated on her.

 

But, he TOLD you already that he has a "friend" and they are not exclusive.  Why won't you take his word for it?  That is what any friend would do.  

[poppyfields]

Deleted... and good luck.

 

Edited October 21, 2022 by poppyfields

[Starrybeach]

22 minutes ago, NuevoYorko said:

But, he TOLD you already that he has a "friend" and they are not exclusive.  Why won't you take his word for it?  That is what any friend would do.  

I'll give you more detail. We have never had a conversation about his relationship status per se. I just have three statements he made on three different occasions:

1) I could never be in an exclusive relationship

2) I did this once with my sex buddy (in the past)

3) I can't chat today because my friend is visiting

And the other piece of information is the photos on social media (some from before and some from after we met) where he is nearly always with the same girl, who appears to live in his town now (so it doesn't match that she would need to visit)

Oh! And we also talked once about how I'm seeing other guys, and I said I assumed he has his share of girls, and he replied "I do"

I took him at his word, that he is not in a relationship and sleeps around or has FWBs, until I saw him in the photos always with the same girl.

So your guess is as good as mine

Edited October 21, 2022 by Starrybeach

[NuevoYorko]

I think you need to check yourself.  You are entitled to no further information about his personal life than he has already given you.  If he wants you to know more, he knows how to get a hold of you.

This is not how FWB's work.   

Can you answer this one question:  

Why are you unwilling to step back and let this play out?  If he is interested in doing this, he WILL make it happen.  If he is not interested, he will let it slide.   

This is not "giving up" on him, this is actually giving him the chance to show you where he is at, rather than controlling all aspects of your contact with him and organizing it so it fits into your agenda, whatever that is exactly.  Let HIM make some of the choices.

A fun summertime fling can be a cherished memory forever.  But if it comes with things like regular Wednesday texting appointments (though he's been very clear that he doesn't like a lot of texting) and required reports on other women in his life ... not so much.

 

 

Edited October 21, 2022 by NuevoYorko

[Starrybeach]

22 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

Fair enough but in my defense it's not actually what I said. 

I said he "may" be relieved, the truth is I have no idea what's going on his head, nor do you. 

The only person who knows is him.

Re him wanting you to continue texting, he may need that validation, it's a nice boost for him.

It's easy and takes very little effort.

If me, I would not be reading too much into that. 

Anyway, just my take fwiw, good luck..

 

Thank you, it is quite insightful. That is maybe a big part of what's going on for him, he enjoys the validation. He likes the idea that we may meet again, but he's not putting any effort into it. 

And/or he is in a relationship and it's not worth it for him risking what he has.

[stillafool]

1 hour ago, Starrybeach said:

Oh! And we also talked once about how I'm seeing other guys, and I said I assumed he has his share of girls, and he replied "I do"

This is more information that he has more than one girlfriend he sees.  He's not trying to hide that he is seeing other women.  I don't think he has a gf but many.

Also men don't like to hurt women's feelings.  If you said to him "If I'm bothering you would you like me to just stop texting you?", more than likely he would say "No you don't have to stop." but it doesn't mean it's welcomed.  Sometimes guys hope you get the hint by their actions.

No one here is trying to be mean to you; but realize when you take your problems to a public forum you cannot tell people to only tell you what you want to hear.  That is why people come to open forums to get an unbiased opinion.  Coddling is what friends, family and those that love you do; not strangers.