Picking up where we left off after one month

[poppyfields]

22 hours ago, Gaeta said:

He can organize and sweep me off my feet on a date Sunday, my next free time.

 

17 hours ago, Gaeta said:

He asked what my free time is this weekend so we will spend part of Sunday together, the plan is to go hicking. 

Gaeta, I hate to pile on, but is hiking your idea of a romantic date or "sweeping you off your feet"?

I'm teasing (in part), the point is he made little effort the first time around, and continues to make little effort. 

In fact, imo it sounds like you've stricken up a nice friendship.  Trivial Pursuit, driving him to language class and now hiking on Sunday.

Which is fine if that's what you want, I just thought you were seeking to actually date and develop a relationship not a friendship.

So a bit confused now tbh. 

If you're seeking to date him, I 100% agree with @Amanda92 entire post. 

 

[Happy Lemming]

I like the hiking idea... One of "V" and I's early dates was a hike around this landmark in AZ.  I brought along my digital camera and took pictures.  I still have those pictures on my hard drive (and backed up on a thumb drive). 

We did a lot of sight seeing and adventuring early on in our dating.  Museums, festivals, and even an old jail and again pictures to document our early dating life.

Neither of us wanted to just go to dinner or the movies... we wanted experiences and adventures.

@Gaeta  enjoy the hike and take some pictures, save them... those pictures may actually document a long term relationship!!

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, Amanda92 said:

He is an adult man. You are not his mother. It was his decision to life far away from the center and to life without a car. You have no reason to worry how much he would pay for Uber, no reason to plan that he could ride a bike to your place, no reason to pick him up or to let him drive your car.

Please raise your standards - let him invite you for several dates, don't care about his transportation and stop dating men that you are not excited about.

Agree. He seems cheap and you're his ride. That may be the only reason he came back, he got tossed back when he tried the robe and ride routine on other women.

[Gaeta]

7 hours ago, Happy Lemming said:

  How would you feel if he opted for a motorcycle as his main form of transportation??  They are A LOT cheaper to maintain, insure and fill up with gasoline.

It's not a matter of money for him. He has a higher level job at fed government, he has revenues from real estates he owns. When it comes to electronics and his bike he spends 10s of thousands of dollars on them. 

[Gaeta]

1 hour ago, poppyfields said:

Gaeta, I hate to pile on, but is hiking your idea of a romantic date or "sweeping you off your feet"?

Well, hicking can turn into a very romantic date, depends what you do afterward. 

Out of curiosity, what is a romantic date? 

I agree @Amanda92 post was making very good points.

[poppyfields]

10 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

Out of curiosity, what is a romantic date? 

I'm fairly certain you already know G, but I'll indulge you.

A date wherein there is opportunity to express romantic (sexual?) attraction and act upon, even if just a kiss. 

Doesn't have to expensive -  a picnic at a park with some wine, fruit and cheese, a quiet cafe with great vibe and music, a Shakespeare poetry reading, I could think of a million things that don't cost a lot of money but that convey romantic interest. 

A hike is what you do with a friend or a group or what you might do with long term boyfriend or even someone you've been regularly dating for awhile. 

NOT when you're trying to win back the affection of a woman you behaved like a jerk with and made little effort for the first time. 

JMO.

Edited March 31, 2022 by poppyfields

[ClearEyes-FullHeart]

I see no issue with hiking as usually getting food or a drink after would be part of it. The first date I had with my husband was a hike on Memorial Day. We had met at work and it was our first non work activity, and it was great. 
 

Edit to add: Hope you have fun!

Edited March 31, 2022 by ClearEyes-FullHeart

[poppyfields]

Just now, ClearEyes-FullHeart said:

I see no issue with hiking as usually getting food or a drink after would be part of it. The first date I had with my husband was a hike on Memorial Day. We had met at work and it was our first non work activity, and it was great. 

Fair enough, please read the last paragraph of my last post. 

[poppyfields]

21 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

hicking can turn into a very romantic date, depends what you do afterward. 

Of course, is that the plan?  Hiking first, then something more conducive to romantically connecting afterwards?  

Drinks and apps?  A quiet dinner?  

Gaeta, I'm sorry, it's your life, if you are OK with this situation then go for it!

I would not, the first time around either, but I'm not you and you're not me. 

So have fun and hope it works out the way you hope! 

 

[Gaeta]

23 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

A date wherein there is opportunity to express romantic (sexual?) attraction and act upon, even if just a kiss. 

My question was sincere. 

See, that's what I want to avoid for now. We had plenty of sex in February, we know it's great and we're compatible in that department. I don't want to rush going back there. I want to connect with him on other levels. 

Of course we will do other things than hicking on Sunday. We will go eat or order in and fill he day. I would prefer to go bowling, it's pretty muddy to go hicking.

When he invited me to dinner last Sunday I told him I felt everything was about me driving there for sex, if he wants to salvage this of course he's not going to offer a candle light dinner with wine at his place. 

[poppyfields]

13 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

When he invited me to dinner last Sunday I told him I felt everything was about me driving there for sex, if he wants to salvage this of course he's not going to offer a candle light dinner with wine at his place. 

Bolded, I don't think anyone including myself was advocating that. 

Something outside the house wherein you could build on your mutual attraction, assuming such attraction is there.  Is it?

Hiking might be fun and if he hadn't behaved like such a boob the first time around, along with flat out ignoring your break up text, I might feel more positive. 

But who cares what I think, right?  Lol

I'm not dating him you are, so do what you want G, what YOU think is best, this isn't your first rodeo after all. 

Again, have fun!  💛

 

Edited March 31, 2022 by poppyfields

[Alpacalia]

1 hour ago, Gaeta said:

It's not a matter of money for him. He has a higher level job at fed government, he has revenues from real estates he owns. When it comes to electronics and his bike he spends 10s of thousands of dollars on them. 

What other reason does he have for not having a car other than waiting for the car he has his eye on?

It seems money is not an issue for him, though some people do prefer not to drive.

[Gaeta]

36 minutes ago, Alpaca said:

What other reason does he have for not having a car other than waiting for the car he has his eye on?

He was working downtown, covid had him working from home, now government decided it's so cool all their employees will work from home permanently.  He lives close to all important services, l think he's not motivated buying a car that he'll use once a week. It's my guess.

[Gaeta]

1 hour ago, poppyfields said:

 

But who cares what I think, right?  Lol

 

I do 

[Kamille]

As a nature lover and avid hiker, some of my favorite dates are hikes. 

On one of our winter dates, my guy and I snowshoed to a private spot on his friend's land. We found a spot overlooking a valley and river. We built a fire and made grilled cheese.To us, it was romantic af. Those dates are when we relax, talk, connect. 

Gaeta, you have a date on Sunday. Hope you feel at ease and rested until then, without feeling like you need to resolve any problems. At this point, there's no problem to resolve. You only taks is to stay balanced and get to know him.

 

 

Edited April 1, 2022 by Kamille

[Alpacalia]

2 hours ago, Gaeta said:

He was working downtown, covid had him working from home, now government decided it's so cool all their employees will work from home permanently.  He lives close to all important services, l think he's not motivated buying a car that he'll use once a week. It's my guess.

That seems reasonable enough.

Clearly, he can afford to buy large items and provide for himself. Considering he has a stable job, I am curious why he is not motivated to drive since he is actively dating. The key is that he's making an effort to come see you and spend time with you.

The more kind, respectful, and joyful he is to you, despite some difficult circumstances, the better.

 

[Ami1uwant]

2 hours ago, Gaeta said:

He was working downtown, covid had him working from home, now government decided it's so cool all their employees will work from home permanently.  He lives close to all important services, l think he's not motivated buying a car that he'll use once a week. It's my guess.

where I live I don’t need to use my car.  There is subway line, bus lines, and walking.

i get to work via the subway.  There are also changing things making me work from home. The issue behind that has to do with  (1) employees has proven they can still do their jobs, (2) workplace safety.. most work in tight cubicles so the concern is spreading shoukd another wave hiteks. Some are concerned about their personal health risk but there are some things lost…like communication channels has fallen off, things like new ideas talking need to be face to face where peop,e aren’t multitasking.

[poppyfields]

58 minutes ago, Kamille said:

On one of our winter dates, my guy and I snowshoed to a private spot on his friend's land. We found a spot overlooking a valley and river. We built a fire and made grilled cheese.To us, it was romantic af. Those dates are when we relax, talk, connect. 

That sounds extremely romantic!  ❤️

I was envisioning something different (based on my experience hiking of course), like traipsing up a mountain with a backpack and gear, hot and sweaty, blisters on my feet and him being ten feet ahead cause he's faster and stronger. Lol

But what you describe Kamille sounds lovely and hopefully Gaeta, he will plan something like that or you can both think of it while in the moment. 

What's in bold is what you should strive for imho. 

Edited April 1, 2022 by poppyfields

[Wiseman2]

11 hours ago, Gaeta said:

, it's pretty muddy to go hicking.

Can't you speak up? If tromping through the mud so he doesn't have to spend any money is not your idea of a good time, say so.

It's not your job to figure out why he doesn't want a car or what his transportation situation is.

It's your responsibility to do whatever is right for you. If it's getting some needs met until someone decent comes along, that's fine too.

[Gaeta]

1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said:

Can't you speak up? If tromping through the mud so he doesn't have to spend any money is not your idea of a good time, say so.

Yes l will tell him, at the time he suggested it l didn't analyze it but it's a very yukky time of the year, raining a lot, snow melting. 

[Gaeta]

So, I'm gonna share something with you guy and then I'm going to leave this thread alone and let things unfold. 

He messaged me last night and asked what was the meaning of the word 'amant' to me. I give him the definition and ask why. He said back in February I used that word with him and he's been confused a little since. 

See, I work in English all day, many of my friends are anglophones,  so when I switch to French, even if it's my native language that I speak every day, occasionally I will carry to French these English expressions. The word 'amant' in french means lover, but lover as in 'I'm having an affair with you'. 

I told him it was a bad choice of words on my part and I'm glad he asked me to clarify it because I am definitely not in a relationship and having an affair with him. He said he doubted I was this type of person but the word wouldn't leave his mind. 

[glows]

So it’s clarified. The word can now leave his mind. Both of you can go on and enjoy yourselves. 

It’s still early days. If he wants to make an effort to see you he will. In the meantime see whether he sets up dates and takes more initiative. 

[Happy Lemming]

4 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

So, I'm gonna share something with you guy and then I'm going to leave this thread alone and let things unfold. 

If things progress in a positive manner and you are enjoying yourself, please share!!

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, Gaeta said:

'amant' in french means lover, but lover as in 'I'm having an affair with you'. 

That's ok. Maybe there is no specific term for FWB, or someone you casually see and are intimate with.

It's unclear why he is "confused" because obviously neither of you are married so "affair" is the wrong translation.

In fact "lover" simply means "lover".  Casual sex. French or English.

[NuevoYorko]

There is a tremendous amount of projection here.

People are very adamant about the absolute necessity of car ownership.  Also a huge focus on ROMANCE and being swept off of ones feet.  Those things are not crucial to everyone, they are personal values.

Gaeta:  I just think you need to be honest with yourself about what you may be willing to do without in exchange for having a big sense of control in a relationship.  This is a constant in your threads.  Dating a man who takes little initiative on planning,  can't provide transportation,  etc. allows you to be in control.  

That's not necessarily wrong, but you have to draw the lines somewhere. The car situation is a clear example.   If you don't want to date a man who does not drive, it's absolutely inappropriate for you to consider giving a carless man an ultimatum that he must buy a car in order to date you.  You need to accept what you know about the person.  THAT is who you have chosen.

Everything this man has shown you already is what you are choosing now.  The experiences you had with him on your first go (bathrobe, no car, no physical contact/ affection except for sex, no preparing for your visits, minimal initiative) are examples of this man behaving in ways that are natural to him.   I doubt that you actually want these qualities in a relationship. 

 

You are hoping he will change and investing in that hope.  Why not stop trying and see what he does all on his own. People can change or step it up, but if you won't stop filling in the gaps for him you are not going to see whether he is doing it.