Picking up where we left off after one month

[Gaeta]

Ok, I get it. 

So I act as if he has a car, I don't pick him up or drop him off, until he gets fed up of paying ubers ?

[Happy Lemming]

@Gaeta Don't get hung up on this car thing.  It is a disposable problem and easily solved.  He can rent/purchase/lease a car at any point.

Focus on HIM as a person, how he makes you feel, how he treats you, how he talks to you and if he makes you happy.

[glows]

It seems your security and peace of mind is affected by whether he has a car to transport himself because you have to plan around it. Your happiness or ability to enjoy the relationship is affected by whether he is independently mobile or able to get around on his own conveniently. I agree that the dynamics of dating someone with a vehicle are very different from dating someone who has a vehicle. 

Some may be able to enjoy this dynamic or relationship or feel comfortable with it and others won't.

It's odd that he won't just have one anyway for his own convenience and says that the condition is on whether he dates you. That's putting an inordinate amount of pressure on you and any relationship. 

[Kamille]

37 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

Ok, I get it. 

So I act as if he has a car, I don't pick him up or drop him off, until he gets fed up of paying ubers ?

Yup. He chooses to live car-free. Again, I live car-free so yes, I pay Ubers. It's still less pricy than a car, insurance and paying for parking in the downtown core. 

He chose this. He can handle it.

Treat him like the adult that he is.

 

Adding: why would he get fed up of paying Ubers? Is this stemming from some insecurity that he'll get tired of you?

Edited March 29, 2022 by Kamille

[Allupinnit]

2 hours ago, Gaeta said:

When we first met and he told me the story about returning his leased car etc, he said if ever not having a car interferes in dating me he'll get one.

There you go.  Let HIM decide if not having a car interferes with dating you.  Not your problem to solve you don't even know this person.

[Gaeta]

29 minutes ago, Kamille said:

Adding: why would he get fed up of paying Ubers? Is this stemming from some insecurity that he'll get tired of you?

No, not at all. He'll get tired because we both live in the subburbs so everything is far. A fair to my place will be around $45, one way. A fair to the movies $25+ and so on. That's if we always do outings in our subburbs. He will get tired of it and get a car. Him losing interest in me because of it did not cross my mind. 

Edited March 29, 2022 by Gaeta

[Allupinnit]

44 minutes ago, glows said:

It seems your security and peace of mind is affected by whether he has a car to transport himself because you have to plan around it. Your happiness or ability to enjoy the relationship is affected by whether he is independently mobile or able to get around on his own conveniently. I agree that the dynamics of dating someone with a vehicle are very different from dating someone who has a vehicle. 

Some may be able to enjoy this dynamic or relationship or feel comfortable with it and others won't.

It's odd that he won't just have one anyway for his own convenience and says that the condition is on whether he dates you. That's putting an inordinate amount of pressure on you and any relationship. 

Probably because he's already asked her for a lift outside of an actual date.  On a Saturday.  She probably has every reason to fear that the same will continue if he doesn't get his own wheels.

[glows]

Maybe it's one of those things that will run its course. While it's good to remain openminded, I think knowing your dealbreakers early on are also a plus. 

I wouldn't bring it up further as it's not my place to tell someone to have a car to date me. This is just not a match. We're back to the same issue I think that came up some months ago about whether or not to date based on future tense. What he is now isn't what you want, period.

[Calmandfocused]

At first I was confused which guy this is. Then I twigged … and my heart sank. 
 

G this man was not right for you. He wasn’t right then and he isn’t right now. Fundamentally he isn’t right for you. 
 

The lack of car situation was just a symptom of different values and fundamental incompatibility. 
 

I remember you were contemplating  gravitating back to this guy simply because there was no better offer at the time. Luckily you saw sense and didn’t bother. What happened to swing you right back? 
 

The romanticising you’re doing right now is concerning me. You didn’t not work out the first time because of timing. You didn’t work out the first time because there were things about him that you found dodgy and that didn’t work for you. 
 

I’m all for cheering you on in any of your adventures G but this time I think you’re making a mistake. 
 

I hope I’m wrong for your sake 

[Gaeta]

17 minutes ago, Calmandfocused said:

I remember you were contemplating  gravitating back to this guy simply because there was no better offer at the time. Luckily you saw sense and didn’t bother. What happened to swing you right back? 
 

That was someone else. That was a man that didn't have a car but also did not have his driver's license. I dismissed him, then I contacted him again...etc etc. Different guy. 

[Kamille]

2 hours ago, Gaeta said:

No, not at all. He'll get tired because we both live in the subburbs so everything is far. A fair to my place will be around $45, one way. A fair to the movies $25+ and so on. That's if we always do outings in our subburbs. He will get tired of it and get a car. Him losing interest in me because of it did not cross my mind. 

Exactly, he gets to decide if he gets tired of it. He gets to decide to get a car. Unless he limits dating to his suburb, he would have to find transportation to the dates regardless - not to mention he already likely does to see friends, family, go on outings, get to work, etc. 

None of this should be of any concern to you, especially not at this point. You've dated a month and a day.

 

I, like many others here, enjoy your threads and appreciate your openness. I have to wonder however if we're really helping you. You started this thread by stating:

 

Quote

 I was not on the defensive, I was not trying to find something off in his words and behavior,  my guards were not up and truly enjoyed his company. Maybe it was my month off the dating sites, or my one month no carbs lol, but I'm going to see this man with a sincere heart this time 

Don't let our questions and preoccupations set your sights on future preoccupations. Stay present in the feeling above. Trust yourself: you will know when something is wrong.

[smackie9]

When I met my husband he didn't have a car...his was stolen. He was in the process making a claim with insurance/sorting it out. Our first date was me picking him up. I had NP with this, and we had a nice dinner. Lets just say it didn't take him long before he purchased a car. I think it was less than a month. What's key here is motivation. If he wants to see you more often he will accommodate and that is how it should be...not you accommodating for him. 

BTW he still has the car

Edited March 29, 2022 by smackie9

[Eternal Sunshine]

Some people are happily living car-free lives. I am. I prefer taking ubers and public transport to owning a car. I don't mind paying for ubers and not worrying about parking, about having some drinks, about all the car issues and payments, about stressing through the rush hour (I just relax in the uber and listen to music). I don't expect anyone to drive me, and it's sometimes annoying when others insist on driving me to things when I am more than happy to take an uber.

I don't think I would be able to date someone that pushed me into getting a car or wasn't able to see why not everyone wants one.

[basil67]

3 hours ago, Gaeta said:

No, not at all. He'll get tired because we both live in the subburbs so everything is far. A fair to my place will be around $45, one way. A fair to the movies $25+ and so on. That's if we always do outings in our subburbs. He will get tired of it and get a car. Him losing interest in me because of it did not cross my mind. 

My family has one car between us.  While a second car would be convenient, it's way more affordable to use car share and ubers instead of purchasing one.    

 

[Wiseman2]

4 hours ago, Gaeta said:

 He will get tired of it and get a car. Him losing interest in me because of it did not cross my mind. 

Meet halfway. If a man leaves you because you won't chauffer him around, he's worth losing.

[Gaeta]

I almost forgot he's an avid cyclist, there is a beautiful bike trail along the seaway from his place to mine. Problem solved!

[Happy Lemming]

1 hour ago, Gaeta said:

I almost forgot he's an avid cyclist, there is a beautiful bike trail along the seaway from his place to mine. Problem solved!

And as an activity (for a date), you two could cycle together... Enjoy that trail together, pack a nice lunch in a backpack, go on some great cycling adventures.

Is your city/town set up with bike lanes for cyclists??

 

[poppyfields]

One of my ex's was without a car AND license for awhile (DUI) and I drove us everywhere. 

I had no issue with it whatsoever. 

The difference was we were already in an established long term relationship and you've just started dating. 

Gaeta, would you be comfortable with him riding his bike to your home (or Uber) and when you go out, HE drives your car? 

That way you're not driving and he doesn't feel emasculated by you driving him around, IF that's a concern of his (and yours). 

Just a thought....

 

 

[Gaeta]

56 minutes ago, Happy Lemming said:

Is your city/town set up with bike lanes for cyclists??

 

Apparently Montreal and its subburbs have the most bike trails in north america. We're very european in this department. 

[Gaeta]

32 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

Gaeta, would you be comfortable with him riding his bike to your home (or Uber) and when you go out, HE drives your car? 

That way you're not driving and he doesn't feel emasculated by you driving him around, IF that's a concern of his (and yours). 

Just a thought....

I think that would be cool he bikes here, he lives only 13km from me, that's a warm up for him.  l'd have no problem he drives my car when we head somewhere together.

I don't think it's emasculating to him, otherwise he'd drive a car, right? Specially he can afford one.

[poppyfields]

Just now, Gaeta said:

I think that would be cool he bikes here, he lives only 13km from me, that's a warm up for him.  l'd have no problem he drives my car when we head somewhere together.

I don't think it's emasculating to him, otherwise he'd drive a car, right? Specially he can afford one.

No I meant you driving him around; some men might feel emasculated by it, my ex did at first but got used to it....

He preferred to be in control, lol including behind the wheel.

Edited March 30, 2022 by poppyfields

[Gaeta]

1 hour ago, Happy Lemming said:

Enjoy that trail together, pack a nice lunch in a backpack, go on some great cycling adventures.

Shush !! Don't say that too loud! He's too advanced for me to tag along and l have 0 interest in cycling. 

[Gaeta]

2 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

No I meant you driving him around;

That's what l meant too, l think it doesn't touch his ego at all. That's my impression. 

[Happy Lemming]

16 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

...and l have 0 interest in cycling. 

Give it a try... you may find you really enjoy it.  Maybe rent a bike and go for a small trip with him on bicycles!!

28 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

Apparently Montreal and its subburbs have the most bike trails in north america. We're very european in this department. 

WOW!!  I didn't know that.  What better place to "adventure" and "date" by bicycle.

 

[ClearEyes-FullHeart]

You can bike from downtown to the former olympics site! It’s a flat and easy ride as I recall, with bike paths so it’s not scary! I did that in 2018 after not having been to MTL since I had graduated. It is such a great place to explore on a bike, and there is no need to go fast, Perhaps wait til it’s warm if you are up for it (even tho you said you aren’t into the idea).