ExpatInItaly Posted May 1, 2021 Posted May 1, 2021 1 minute ago, Scotgirl84 said: Have you been through this? Being the OW? No. That is not a path I would choose for myself.
Author Scotgirl84 Posted May 1, 2021 Author Posted May 1, 2021 8 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said: No. That is not a path I would choose for myself. Me neither and never even
Author Scotgirl84 Posted May 1, 2021 Author Posted May 1, 2021 11 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said: OP, with respect, this is not going to happen the way you want it to. He is losing though. His fun attention etc
lana-banana Posted May 1, 2021 Posted May 1, 2021 If he wants attention and fun he can get it elsewhere. You need to accept that you have no control over his feelings. You can't make him miss you or want you. You can't even guarantee that you'll hurt him (this guy is really callous after all). The only person you have any control over is you, so you have got to start there. You are only as weak as you let yourself be. Block him and get on with your life. 3
ExpatInItaly Posted May 1, 2021 Posted May 1, 2021 6 minutes ago, Scotgirl84 said: He is losing though. His fun attention etc But men like him know how and where to find another OW to substitute. I mean no disrespect, but you've over-estimating your importance to this man. 6 1
Author Scotgirl84 Posted May 1, 2021 Author Posted May 1, 2021 22 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said: But men like him know how and where to find another OW to substitute. I mean no disrespect, but you've over-estimating your importance to this man. Finding someone as accommodating as me will be very difficult so good luck to him
BaileyB Posted May 1, 2021 Posted May 1, 2021 1 hour ago, Scotgirl84 said: I’m too weak to block. I’ll need to wean myself off him slowly. You will find your strength when you block him. It’s the only way. 1
BaileyB Posted May 1, 2021 Posted May 1, 2021 I think you may find this helpful OP, it’s a common belief on this site that plays out to be true more often than not... Women, when they engage in affairs, tend to look to replace the man in their lives. Affairs often give women in an unfulfilling marriage the push to file for divorce. They are called “exit affairs.” These women then tend to set their sights on their affair partners, thinking not only that they will assume the position recently left vacant by their husbands... but also, that he will feel the same way and seek to end his marriage and replace his wife with the OW. But men tend to think very differently. They are often not looking to disrupt their lives, divorce their wives, and replace the wife with the OW. They are often quite happy at home, and even if they are generally unhappy, it’s still uncommon for a man to disrupt his life by leaving his wife. Rather, men tend to want to keep the stability and comfort they have at home and when they turn their attention to the OW, they are often looking for “extra.” For some, this helps them to cope and stay in their marriage. For others, it simply provides sport. 5
ExpatInItaly Posted May 1, 2021 Posted May 1, 2021 44 minutes ago, Scotgirl84 said: Finding someone as accommodating as me will be very difficult so good luck to him I would encourage you to remember that if your accommodating nature were that important to him, he would make himself single to enjoy it to its fullest extent. 2
Author Scotgirl84 Posted May 1, 2021 Author Posted May 1, 2021 16 minutes ago, BaileyB said: I think you may find this helpful OP, it’s a common belief on this site that plays out to be true more often than not... Women, when they engage in affairs, tend to look to replace the man in their lives. Affairs often give women in an unfulfilling marriage the push to file for divorce. They are called “exit affairs.” These women then tend to set their sights on their affair partners, thinking not only that they will assume the position recently left vacant by their husbands... but also, that he will feel the same way and seek to end his marriage and replace his wife with the OW. But men tend to think very differently. They are often not looking to disrupt their lives, divorce their wives, and replace the wife with the OW. They are often quite happy at home, and even if they are generally unhappy, it’s still uncommon for a man to disrupt his life by leaving his wife. Rather, men tend to want to keep the stability and comfort they have at home and when they turn their attention to the OW, they are often looking for “extra.” For some, this helps them to cope and stay in their marriage. For others, it simply provides sport. This makes so much sense so he was beneficial to get me to make that move to end my marriage giving me the strength to push for separation. I’m just obsessed over him cos I’ve had an unhappy marriage he’s not the one for me I know this
petee Posted May 1, 2021 Posted May 1, 2021 4 hours ago, Scotgirl84 said: Thanks I just wonder what best thing to do is. Options are: 1) block him 2) be civil and phase it out no meet him again 3) reel him in get a night of sex with him then dump him show him what he’s missed out on Remember I need to work with him I think you need to grow up. One minute you are plotting revenge, how to wreck his life and then the next you're opening up to him. We are definitely into Fatal Attraction territory, and perhaps you should immediately get help in the form of counselling or perhaps medication to help you sleep. None of your posts are rational and all I can see is an adolescent stamping feet for attention. You are 50% to blame here, either by being gullible or knowing sleeping with a married man. It doesn't seem that you found the utopia you wanted at the end of the rainbow here. You are going to keep going back for more, which will be more of the same here, not the 'I love yous'; it is time to consider how nice a person you are, and how nice he is. If you can learn from this experience then the future is straight in front of you. if you can't then I don't see you moving on from this to live a happy life. We only get one go at it, so please consider that. 1
BaileyB Posted May 1, 2021 Posted May 1, 2021 (edited) 4 hours ago, Scotgirl84 said: Thanks I just wonder what best thing to do is. Options are: 1) block him 2) be civil and phase it out no meet him again 3) reel him in get a night of sex with him then dump him show him what he’s missed out on Remember I need to work with him Precisely because you need to work with the man, I would chose option 4. 4) Block, be polite when you must at work but ONLY speak with him when other people are present (never alone). No emails on the work computer, you sit with another group of people at lunch, no chats when you pass in the hallway, just a simple “hello” and you keep on moving... or... option 5) 5) If you are not capable of seeing him at working and maintaining a firm boundary, you find another job. None of this wishy-washy stuff like “I’m going to phase him out...” Nobody here believe you when you say that. Either you are in, or you are out. And right now, you may be on a “break” but you are still very much in... Edited May 1, 2021 by BaileyB
Author Scotgirl84 Posted May 1, 2021 Author Posted May 1, 2021 1 hour ago, BaileyB said: Precisely because you need to work with the man, I would chose option 4. 4) Block, be polite when you must at work but ONLY speak with him when other people are present (never alone). No emails on the work computer, you sit with another group of people at lunch, no chats when you pass in the hallway, just a simple “hello” and you keep on moving... or... option 5) 5) If you are not capable of seeing him at working and maintaining a firm boundary, you find another job. None of this wishy-washy stuff like “I’m going to phase him out...” Nobody here believe you when you say that. Either you are in, or you are out. And right now, you may be on a “break” but you are still very much in... So just block today with no explanation
ExpatInItaly Posted May 1, 2021 Posted May 1, 2021 3 minutes ago, Scotgirl84 said: So just block today with no explanation Yep, exactly. The problem here is that you hoped "ending" this would make him come runninng to you. Only it didn't work. You aren't actually ready to walk away at all. You wouldn't be trying to think up ways to hurt him if that were the case. You simply wouldn't care that much what he felt, because your bigger priority would be to move on. I personally don't think you have it in you to "reel him in" and then dump him. That's your revenge fantasy speaking but I don't get the impression you have the stones to actually carry that out. 2
Stupidkupid Posted May 1, 2021 Posted May 1, 2021 (edited) 15 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said: Yep, exactly. The problem here is that you hoped "ending" this would make him come runninng to you. Only it didn't work. You aren't actually ready to walk away at all. You wouldn't be trying to think up ways to hurt him if that were the case. You simply wouldn't care that much what he felt, because your bigger priority would be to move on. I personally don't think you have it in you to "reel him in" and then dump him. That's your revenge fantasy speaking but I don't get the impression you have the stones to actually carry that out. This in bold is exactly the point. Its a game of pick me. @Scotgirl84 hoping he reached out was all a big game as you wanted (perhaps subconsciously) to win. He does reach out = you win. Or you see it as a win. As validation of all the things about him and your affair that you want to believe. When he didn't inmediately get in touch you got upset, dare I say annoyed, and reached out to him, instead, under this very peculiar guise of drawing him in to "drop him like a stone" My MM and I regularly broke off contact and until I blocked him EVERYWHERE I never really let go. Going NC is the absolute only way to extricate yourself but at the moment you are still cycling through: its his fault, his wifes fault, revenge, miss him, he's a good guy really. Until you accept: - he lies - you are not special (you're not even the first, sure as hell won't be the last) - you played your own role in this - you can sort this without the drama. then you will continue to be stuck here. Don't kid yourself into thinking you can slowly draw back. It doesn't work that way. And yes, you block without explanation. You don't owe him one. He doesn't owe you anything. Edited May 1, 2021 by Stupidkupid 6
BaileyB Posted May 1, 2021 Posted May 1, 2021 (edited) 31 minutes ago, Scotgirl84 said: So just block today with no explanation You’ve already provided the explanation. You’ve told him that you want to end the relationship. There is nothing more to say. 24 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said: The problem here is that you hoped "ending" this would make him come runninng to you. This is exactly why I say you are “on a break” but still very much “in.” You did exactly what so many OW do - you tried to force his hand by telling him that you were done. You were hoping that in so doing, he would re-evaluate his ”unhappy marriage” and decide that he would really prefer to be with you. It’s all over your posts - you just don’t understand why he would ever stay with “this” woman!! You were hoping that with a little push, telling him that you are done and “pretending” to walk away, he would come running in your direction. Which is why, your posts are all over the place. You say you are done, but in reality you are waiting by the phone to see if he will respond. You are very much expecting that it’s only a matter of time before he makes the decision you want him to make - in your mind, it is the “right” decision. Thus, the whole “I’m going to phase him out...” which is OW code for, I’m going to keep the options open just in case he changes his mind and comes back to me. If you were truly ready to end this relationship, you would have no problem blocking the man and ending all communication - even at work. Edited May 1, 2021 by BaileyB 2
Snakesalive Posted May 1, 2021 Posted May 1, 2021 6 hours ago, Scotgirl84 said: He assured me it was just sex with that one and he never chased her like he did with me and he only seen her every 6 weeks which is true cos it was another work colleague. He said it was just attention she chased him Woah -wake up sorry , I know that sounds harsh but really ? Ending an affair Is totally hard -you feels so many emotions but believe me this man is a self serving idiot -get out before you’re dragged into the mess deeper -think of the impact at work if this really blows up and you both get found out . 1
Snakesalive Posted May 1, 2021 Posted May 1, 2021 52 minutes ago, Stupidkupid said: This in bold is exactly the point. Its a game of pick me. @Scotgirl84 hoping he reached out was all a big game as you wanted (perhaps subconsciously) to win. He does reach out = you win. Or you see it as a win. As validation of all the things about him and your affair that you want to believe. When he didn't inmediately get in touch you got upset, dare I say annoyed, and reached out to him, instead, under this very peculiar guise of drawing him in to "drop him like a stone" My MM and I regularly broke off contact and until I blocked him EVERYWHERE I never really let go. Going NC is the absolute only way to extricate yourself but at the moment you are still cycling through: its his fault, his wifes fault, revenge, miss him, he's a good guy really. Until you accept: - he lies - you are not special (you're not even the first, sure as hell won't be the last) - you played your own role in this - you can sort this without the drama. then you will continue to be stuck here. Don't kid yourself into thinking you can slowly draw back. It doesn't work that way. And yes, you block without explanation. You don't owe him one. He doesn't owe you anything. @Scotgirl84 read this over and over -you’d pay a fortune in therapy to get the benefit of this and other posters experience-trust and act on the advice of people who have no hidden agenda -unlike the guy that is only thinking about himself 1 1
Author Scotgirl84 Posted May 1, 2021 Author Posted May 1, 2021 1 minute ago, Snakesalive said: @Scotgirl84 read this over and over -you’d pay a fortune in therapy to get the benefit of this and other posters experience-trust and act on the advice of people who have no hidden agenda -unlike the guy that is only thinking about himself I completely get it it’s just super hard to switch my feelings off feel mega lonely without seeing him and holding him it’s like a drug honestly
Stupidkupid Posted May 1, 2021 Posted May 1, 2021 4 minutes ago, Scotgirl84 said: I completely get it it’s just super hard to switch my feelings off feel mega lonely without seeing him and holding him it’s like a drug honestly Cold turkey. It is like an addiction due to the hormone boosts you gets with contact. Cold turkey and therapy. As you would with any addiction. In cases where cold turkey doesn't work, they don't recomment continuing with the drug but rather a less harmful, alternative. In your case, other men perhaps. But he needs to be blocked. I did therapy. Then dated (casually, loved it. No sex, just really good, fun dates with very decent men) and as I healed I dated a few more seriously. But addiction therap rarely recommends continuing the drug of choice. 2
Author Scotgirl84 Posted May 1, 2021 Author Posted May 1, 2021 Just now, Stupidkupid said: Cold turkey. It is like an addiction due to the hormone boosts you gets with contact. Cold turkey and therapy. As you would with any addiction. In cases where cold turkey doesn't work, they don't recomment continuing with the drug but rather a less harmful, alternative. In your case, other men perhaps. But he needs to be blocked. I did therapy. Then dated (casually, loved it. No sex, just really good, fun dates with very decent men) and as I healed I dated a few more seriously. But addiction therap rarely recommends continuing the drug of choice. Is therapy honestly needed? Like do you need to go private
Snakesalive Posted May 1, 2021 Posted May 1, 2021 1 minute ago, Scotgirl84 said: I completely get it it’s just super hard to switch my feelings off feel mega lonely without seeing him and holding him it’s like a drug honestly Believe me I get it -just come out of a 6 year affair -he left his wife I left my husband -6 weeks later it was all over . He couldn’t deal with the reality -the hurt to his kids -Damage to to his business . He was my absolute drug of choice and weaning myself off it has been horrendous -I’ve gone through every emotion . I’ve been in therapy for the last couple of months -that and this group has really helped . I hold my hands up and take responsibility for my choices and I’ve learned some very hard lessons . I became a different person in the affair -probably like you I was sympathetic to his problems at home -he reeled me in and I let him. He’s now running around blaming me for everything because he doesn’t want to take his share -that’s fine -this is the real him not the fantasy we created . 4
Author Scotgirl84 Posted May 1, 2021 Author Posted May 1, 2021 1 minute ago, Stupidkupid said: Cold turkey. It is like an addiction due to the hormone boosts you gets with contact. Cold turkey and therapy. As you would with any addiction. In cases where cold turkey doesn't work, they don't recomment continuing with the drug but rather a less harmful, alternative. In your case, other men perhaps. But he needs to be blocked. I did therapy. Then dated (casually, loved it. No sex, just really good, fun dates with very decent men) and as I healed I dated a few more seriously. But addiction therap rarely recommends continuing the drug of choice. How long were you together
Author Scotgirl84 Posted May 1, 2021 Author Posted May 1, 2021 1 minute ago, Snakesalive said: Believe me I get it -just come out of a 6 year affair -he left his wife I left my husband -6 weeks later it was all over . He couldn’t deal with the reality -the hurt to his kids -Damage to to his business . He was my absolute drug of choice and weaning myself off it has been horrendous -I’ve gone through every emotion . I’ve been in therapy for the last couple of months -that and this group has really helped . I hold my hands up and take responsibility for my choices and I’ve learned some very hard lessons . I became a different person in the affair -probably like you I was sympathetic to his problems at home -he reeled me in and I let him. He’s now running around blaming me for everything because he doesn’t want to take his share -that’s fine -this is the real him not the fantasy we created . So is he back with his wife???
Snakesalive Posted May 1, 2021 Posted May 1, 2021 (edited) 12 minutes ago, Scotgirl84 said: So is he back with his wife??? No They had a toxic relationship involving recreational drugs for years leading to aggressive arguments etc . the affair fir him I think was a way of dealing with all that -totally wrong we should have both left our partners got divorced and then got together -if it was meant to be They decided to split and then our relationship was uncovered a few weeks later it was all just a big mess. ive heard he’s asked her if she wants to try again -she said no but I think they probably will reconcile -to be honest I really don’t care their relationship is nothing to do with me . I can honestly say I am better out if it I’ve done lots of apologising , realised lots about myself and why I got into the affair and I’m committed to a better life and making better choices - Edited May 1, 2021 by Snakesalive 2
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