This guy is really nice but is he just slow?

[Gaeta]

6 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

Gaeta, you know that's not true.   You posted in HeartBreak Weather's thread you connected with a man on line, that connection was very real, or do you now believe wasn't real? 

Do you believe what you had with that man for an entire year was all imaginary fantasy?  

Absolutely! It was a fantasy he put in my head. It felt real to me, it felt real for an entire year, but it was just a game - his game, nothing was real he broke each of his promises to meet with me and we never met!

[poppyfields]

26 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

Absolutely! It was a fantasy he put in my head. It felt real to me, it felt real for an entire year, but it was just a game - his game, nothing was real he broke each of his promises to meet with me and we never met!

I'm sorry that happened!  He sounds like some sort of sociopath tbh.  Lord. 

I know there are plenty of scammers out there, but I don't think all on-line interactions go that way.

I know of couples who connected that way and still together IRL.

I think dating in general is all a risk no matter how you meet. 

Judge not the venue of how or where you met, but rather the man himself.  Or for men, the woman herself.  

On line, or in "real" life, there are scammers, players and sociopaths wherever you meet.

There are also good guys.  

Good luck Emilyinroses, keep us posted! 

Edited March 1, 2021 by poppyfields

[Gaeta]

@Emilyinroses I have a question for you. 

If you live in an area with a strict lockdown, and no driving around allowed, why are you even online looking for love at this time? You said at the end of March a lot of those lockdown measures will be lifted, why not wait until then to find someone to meet? 

I'm in the same situation as you, we are confined home with a curfew. I work from home and I cannot go out after 8 pm. I don't want to be online dating with these restrictions so I'm waiting this summer, it's just around the corner. 

I just find it really restricted to meet someone new during a pandemic. Everything is closed, nowhere to go, I live in a country with snow and -20 so people use these limitations to have *home dates* so after meeting a stranger one time you end up having him at your place. None of this is a good set up for a happy dating story. 

[Emilyinroses]

24 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

I'm sorry that happened!  He sounds like some sort of sociopath tbh.  Lord. 

I know there are plenty of scammers out there, but I don't think all on-line interactions go that way.

I know of couples who connected that way and still together IRL.

I think dating in general is all a risk no matter how you meet. 

Judge not the venue of how or where you met, but rather the man himself.  Or for men, the woman herself.  

On line, or in "real" life, there are scammers, players and sociopaths wherever you meet.

There are also good guys.  

Good luck Emilyinroses, keep us posted! 

I know couples too who met online and are together IRL.

Connections online can be real when the two people involved are real.

He sent a message later asking if I was going to run away from him now. I said no, just wanted to know.

I will keep you posted! And thank you!

[Emilyinroses]

25 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

@Emilyinroses I have a question for you. 

If you live in an area with a strict lockdown, and no driving around allowed, why are you even online looking for love at this time? You said at the end of March a lot of those lockdown measures will be lifted, why not wait until then to find someone to meet? 

I'm in the same situation as you, we are confined home with a curfew. I work from home and I cannot go out after 8 pm. I don't want to be online dating with these restrictions so I'm waiting this summer, it's just around the corner. 

I just find it really restricted to meet someone new during a pandemic. Everything is closed, nowhere to go, I live in a country with snow and -20 so people use these limitations to have *home dates* so after meeting a stranger one time you end up having him at your place. None of this is a good set up for a happy dating story. 

You know why? Because they said the lockdown initially was going to be only 15 days. Then another 15 days and it will end. Then another 15. Now it has been nearly 2 months of this!

Hopefully it will end by the middle of March. 

That is why I didn’t stop with the online dating. Also, I have more free time now, so why not using it and see if I meet someone I click with!?

[poppyfields]

2 minutes ago, Emilyinroses said:

He sent a message later asking if I was going to run away from him now. 

This reads to me like he's experienced more than his fair share of BS too. And as such, is being cautious, prudent.  Fearful of doing something to push you away.

Perhaps understanding this will help guide you in making the correct decision.

 

[Gaeta]

3 minutes ago, Emilyinroses said:

I know couples too who met online and are together IRL.

Connections online can be real when the two people involved are real.

He sent a message later asking if I was going to run away from him now. I said no, just wanted to know.

Of course there are people that met online and are together in real, I have a long list of friends and family that met their wife/husband online. 

We're talking about people meeting online and one of them is not talking about meeting, not offering their number, and that same someone appearing completely happy just chatting all day long. That's the issue here. 

Now about your last sentence: When you asked him if he meant to meet you soon he put everything on being careful or sensitive toward you by letting you come forward with a meeting conversation. So even if you had just told him you want him to take the lead *he didn't*

Afterwards instead of reflecting on all this and sending you a message saying something like * I know this great place etc etc* nope! he sends a message asking if you're gonna run away ??? To me that means he has NO intention of leading this to a meeting but his plan is to keep on being evasive but this time with the confirmation that you won't drop him. 

[Versacehottie]

2 hours ago, Gaeta said:

@Emilyinroses I have a question for you. 

If you live in an area with a strict lockdown, and no driving around allowed, why are you even online looking for love at this time? You said at the end of March a lot of those lockdown measures will be lifted, why not wait until then to find someone to meet? 

I'm in the same situation as you, we are confined home with a curfew. I work from home and I cannot go out after 8 pm. I don't want to be online dating with these restrictions so I'm waiting this summer, it's just around the corner. 

I just find it really restricted to meet someone new during a pandemic. Everything is closed, nowhere to go, I live in a country with snow and -20 so people use these limitations to have *home dates* so after meeting a stranger one time you end up having him at your place. None of this is a good set up for a happy dating story. 

i agree with this in the respect that why are you judging the guy for not asking you out to do something specific when your area is on lockdown.  All this debate over the guy being beta and slow---maybe he hasn't asked you to go do something because it's not a tangible option at the moment.  Idk, I know a lot of guys who would do exactly what he's doing.  You can't go out so why would he set up imaginary plans? 

Idk, if you can "protect" on the long term prognosis of this either.  If you are doing a very long drawn out getting to know one another over text (while you has a suspicious or careful mindset about it), you may use up all the momentum in this phase (especially coupled with the guardedness).  Then it may be lackluster when you finally meet.

Bottom line if you have baggage about a one time thing that happened pre-pandemic (is that right?), you can't presume each guy will do the same thing to you.  If it happened pre-pandemic, well yeah, you guys probably talked/texted way too long before meeting up.  And if it was during the pandemic, it's hard to sustain a connection with someone over text/messaging/phone that is a stranger to you for never having met in person to test the actual chemistry.

The only real conclusion I would draw from this is what Gaeta kind of says--in that meeting people online right now comes with additional risks & other things factor in.  So either assume the risks, knowing they are there OR don't date.  I think you are in far enough with this guy that you should go out at least once. 

Edited March 2, 2021 by Versacehottie

[Alpacalia]

He could be just a very passive person. He could be dating others and is biding his time. He could be married. He could have a skin infection he's embarrassed about that he's waiting to clear up. 

Irrespective of that, he's not interested enough to meet at this moment, whatever the reason may be. It's not your job to figure out why; it's your job to determine whether you're okay with it or not.

 

[SaraSays]

5 hours ago, Alpaca said:

he's not interested enough to meet at this moment

As of now, we don't have anything to substantiate this. He has said he is interested. The only things we objectively know are:

• It's unsafe to meet right now
• There's a worldwide pandemic requiring them to be in lockdown
• Those who contract the COVID disease can suffer long-term medical problems and death
• Community spread is a significant risk with COVID, requiring us to be very conscious about the ways we come into contact with others, for how long, in what context, for what reason, using which precautions

[Emilyinroses]

Thanks for your replies guys. 

If we lived near each other then yes we could go on a walk together and see how we feel, and then after the lockdown go on a proper date. We cannot do that now because we live like a 20 min car drive. 

But what I meant about meeting is about communicating the desire and the intention to meet when it is possible.

That would not of course be a guarantee he is a nice guy or that we would get along, but at least I would know that he is serious about dating and not just wanting attention and someone to talk to.

It won’t be long enough till the lockdown ends, numbers are quite low now and schools are reopening next week. So I’ll talk to him until then, and then see what he does when lockdown is over, if he suggests to meet now he knows I am interested in doing that.

I have a track record of attracting covert narcissists and I am just scared of that happening again.

Edited March 2, 2021 by Emilyinroses

[SaraSays]

55 minutes ago, Emilyinroses said:

but at least I would know that he is serious about dating and not just wanting attention and someone to talk to.

Impossible to know that from words, though, as words come easy, and can be easily copy and pasted from websites or previous messages, and easily edited. You aren't giving, nor are you getting, much with text messages. Live video calls are harder to manipulate.

Commitment is proven with time and consistency on both parts, with daily behaviour that strengthens (or weakens) the bond. Nothing is guaranteed to continue. Connections are fragile, and need nurturing. People decide to end 30/40/50 year relationships. 

Did you have a look into the couple I mentioned earlier in your thread? That man promised the world, said and did everything right by the (how you must court) book, but is seemingly a conman living many secret lives. That was discovered over time.

[Emilyinroses]

30 minutes ago, SaraSays said:

Impossible to know that from words, though, as words come easy, and can be easily copy and pasted from websites or previous messages, and easily edited. You aren't giving, nor are you getting, much with text messages. Live video calls are harder to manipulate.

Commitment is proven with time and consistency on both parts, with daily behaviour that strengthens (or weakens) the bond. Nothing is guaranteed to continue. Connections are fragile, and need nurturing. People decide to end 30/40/50 year relationships. 

Did you have a look into the couple I mentioned earlier in your thread? That man promised the world, said and did everything right by the (how you must court) book, but is seemingly a conman living many secret lives. That was discovered over time.

Yes I have seen that story. A similar thing happened to me. I met a guy 2 years ago, he loved bombed me, we talked for a week then he asked me on a proper dinner date, brought me flowers, was a real gentleman, all the sorts. I trusted him and got involved with him.

After 2 months he was in my house nearly all the time, continued to love bomb and smothering me and asked me to marry him. I said it's too early for that and then things started to go south. We were on-off for several months, until we got back together again and wanted to really try it seriously.

He asked me to marry him again. I was very sick at that time with an infection and he didn't care about it. We've had an argument and he left me on the spot. 1 month later he was already in a relationship with someone else and got married 2 months later.

I dodged a bullet for sure, and learned a valuable lesson to listen to my intuition and trust my gut. Also Learned that love bombing is not a sign of true love and connection.

It took me a long time to heal from that, and I realised later he was a covert narcissist only interested in what he can get, not on developing a true connection.

I do have a track record of attracting covert narcs, so I have my guard up and am careful now. 

Edited March 2, 2021 by Emilyinroses

[Miss Spider]

I see so many red flags here 

[Alpacalia]

6 hours ago, SaraSays said:

As of now, we don't have anything to substantiate this. He has said he is interested. The only things we objectively know are:

• It's unsafe to meet right now
• There's a worldwide pandemic requiring them to be in lockdown
• Those who contract the COVID disease can suffer long-term medical problems and death
• Community spread is a significant risk with COVID, requiring us to be very conscious about the ways we come into contact with others, for how long, in what context, for what reason, using which precautions

I didn't mean to imply that his lack of motivation to meet her is a reflection of her. It's simply a lack of interest at the moment, maybe for the reasons you've described.

[Gaeta]

Emilyinroses is looking at another month of daily chat before she meets him. If this guy is nowhere near what she expects she will fall from so far up. 

[Alpacalia]

4 hours ago, Emilyinroses said:

I do have a track record of attracting covert narcs, so I have my guard up and am careful now. 

What steps have you taken internally to address this?

If you've had a history of attracting these types of people, the fact that this individual is moving slowly can provide you with some relief and encourage you to exercise caution, which you should given the above.

[Versacehottie]

There are 100 reasons WHY this "relationship" may not work out.  Whenever people haven't even gone on date one, that's a chance that is taken.  Everything is fragile at the beginning.

A very real thing I would say is why are you, OP, treating this AS IF it must work out--that's your mistake.  You need to treat it in perspective (and I wish I had a stat here) that for VARIOUS reasons, 85% let's say, of first dates don't work out past the first date or past the first handful.  Are you looking for a better guarantee than that?  While the figure 85% is made up, I would venture that it's at least close to that.  A better guaranteed doesn't statistically exist.  The fact that you are investing like it does (due to covid, due to how you operate) doesn't make your probability of it "working out" go up.  So in my view you are mismanaging your own effort.  

You should be treating this like any guy you are just talking to: enjoy it, but fun and playful, not a lot of emphasis on the future or being played because you are not that invested, taking it with a grain of salt.  So far you've indicated he's really nice to you and regularly in contact.  Those would normally be good signs, which I'd say they are.  However, it doesn't mean you should value the relationship HIGHER than people you've never been on a first date with.

I still think all of what I've said applies, only that you should dial down your intensity about this guy, because it's out of line with where you are at---perhaps when you keep getting disappointed by guys, THIS is your problem!  Secondly, if I've correctly read in this thread that you took yourself off the app where you met him, that was a mistake also.  He's not your boyfriend so again you are valuing him too highly and expecting too much without even a first date and the 100 reasons why it could not go beyond that .  This is you wasting your own time with the way you chose to manage your dating life.  Absolutely still go & he could be a great guy for lots of reasons but you need to adjust to the stage you are at & be comfortable there.  You are dialing up the risk as if you are at a much later stage with no real info and history on him to back it up--no wonder you are stressing.  It's pressure to toward him, which is often one of the reasons why these things don't work out.  and it's self-sabotage toward yourself.  

By the way, if you are in lockdown, what is the real harm in having talked to him all this time?  You haven't probably substituted it for anything else, right?  A tv show or a book, talking with friends?  The more responsibility you take for how you've chosen to spend your time regardless of the risk, you should feel better about it and more empowered.  Like if you don't want to do it, don't.  I'm assuming you did because you wanted to.  The only other thing that I think is where you truly "wasted" time was by focusing on one guy when the outcome is more fragile when you could be focusing on a handful of guys so the "risk" is spread out over several people; you are less cautious and guarded because you have more options & you are putting less pressure on things.

[Emilyinroses]

Ok so guys he works in a place that is closed now but is near my house, and he said to me today that he needs to go there this Friday, and so he has a reason to travel and we can meet and go for a walk in a park.

I am happy he took that step and I am taking the opportunity to meet him and see how he is for real. He told me the reason he didn't make a move yet was because he feels a connection with me but wasn't sure if I was feeling it too or was just talking to him to pass the time! So basically same as I was feeling.

I was getting real anxious about talking to him and feeling a connection and never met him IRL. I know very well it can be an illusion and meeting in person is necessary.

So we are meeting this Friday and then I can take an informed decision of how I feel about him.

[Gaeta]

10 minutes ago, Emilyinroses said:

So we are meeting this Friday and then I can take an informed decision of how I feel about him.

Glad to hear  you're finally meeting ! By curiosity is your area allowing meeting outside without mask?

Also, you don't have to decide after 1 meeting how you feel about  him, it may take a couple of meetings to decide if there is attraction or not. 

[Emilyinroses]

2 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

Glad to hear  you're finally meeting ! By curiosity is your area allowing meeting outside without mask?

Also, you don't have to decide after 1 meeting how you feel about  him, it may take a couple of meetings to decide if there is attraction or not. 

Yes we can go on a walk outside without mask.

Yes of course, but at least by meeting once I know if I like him enough to continue talking.

[Miss Spider]

1 hour ago, Versacehottie said:

There are 100 reasons WHY this "relationship" may not work out.  Whenever people haven't even gone on date one, that's a chance that is taken.  Everything is fragile at the beginning.

A very real thing I would say is why are you, OP, treating this AS IF it must work out--that's your mistake.  You need to treat it in perspective (and I wish I had a stat here) that for VARIOUS reasons, 85% let's say, of first dates don't work out past the first date or past the first handful.  Are you looking for a better guarantee than that?  While the figure 85% is made up, I would venture that it's at least close to that.  A better guaranteed doesn't statistically exist.  The fact that you are investing like it does (due to covid, due to how you operate) doesn't make your probability of it "working out" go up.  So in my view you are mismanaging your own effort.  

You should be treating this like any guy you are just talking to: enjoy it, but fun and playful, not a lot of emphasis on the future or being played because you are not that invested, taking it with a grain of salt.  So far you've indicated he's really nice to you and regularly in contact.  Those would normally be good signs, which I'd say they are.  However, it doesn't mean you should value the relationship HIGHER than people you've never been on a first date with.

I still think all of what I've said applies, only that you should dial down your intensity about this guy, because it's out of line with where you are at---perhaps when you keep getting disappointed by guys, THIS is your problem!  Secondly, if I've correctly read in this thread that you took yourself off the app where you met him, that was a mistake also.  He's not your boyfriend so again you are valuing him too highly and expecting too much without even a first date and the 100 reasons why it could not go beyond that .  This is you wasting your own time with the way you chose to manage your dating life.  Absolutely still go & he could be a great guy for lots of reasons but you need to adjust to the stage you are at & be comfortable there.  You are dialing up the risk as if you are at a much later stage with no real info and history on him to back it up--no wonder you are stressing.  It's pressure to toward him, which is often one of the reasons why these things don't work out.  and it's self-sabotage toward yourself.  

By the way, if you are in lockdown, what is the real harm in having talked to him all this time?  You haven't probably substituted it for anything else, right?  A tv show or a book, talking with friends?  The more responsibility you take for how you've chosen to spend your time regardless of the risk, you should feel better about it and more empowered.  Like if you don't want to do it, don't.  I'm assuming you did because you wanted to.  The only other thing that I think is where you truly "wasted" time was by focusing on one guy when the outcome is more fragile when you could be focusing on a handful of guys so the "risk" is spread out over several people; you are less cautious and guarded because you have more options & you are putting less pressure on things.

I get what you’re saying Versace, but to me there’s a big difference between “sure, any relationship might not work out” and “i’m going to ignore all the red flags waving” such as: 

—“Since we started chatting it has been non stop”

—“... he hasn’t made any move. He hasn’t asked for my number to get out of the dating App, didn’t mention for us to meet, ... didn’t ask to talk on the phone, nothing”

—“ ... we were talking about a coffee shop we both know and like, and I told him how much I want to go there when lockdown is over and it opens again, and he said he feels the same, and nothing else! “

—“He asked me NOTHING about my previous relationships. How long I have been single, what am I looking for, etc,etc. Nothing. I just realised I also do not know anything about him in that regard. If he is single, how long, etc. “

— “So instead of asking me for my number to send the photo, he just uploaded the photo into his dating profile photos for me to see, and then deleted it after I see it...”

—“yes he might be texting me all day because he is bored and wants someone to talk to and nothing else.”

—“He has a job but is not working at the moment.”

—“If we lived near each other then yes we could go on a walk together and see how we feel, and then after the lockdown go on a proper date. We cannot do that now because we live like a 20 min car drive. “

——————————

And sure, ideally you don’t get serious until you are, but I don’t get the feeling that OP is the type of person that is just taking it casually, just chatting when bored and not developing any feelings for a person she’s never met. Hopefully I’m wrong about it though. 

 

She  said:

“So I am still talking to other guys too. It’s very tempting to stop talking to other guys and just focus on him ...

Although at the moment the way other guys are just makes me want to talk to him more.”

Of another textlationship she was in: 

“ ... the first lockdown I also met a guy online and we texted all day everyday. As soon as lockdown was over and he went back to work he was gone. Disappeared. Ghosted. So that showed my intuition was right.

... I don’t feel that way with this guy now”

 

Yeah, except  this thread has several contradictions to that. Maybe she doesn’t notice how much she’s ignored her intuition and made excuses for this guy 

Even in this short post  she makes an excuse for him right after she points out exactly what seems off to her: 

“So we cannot meet now and so I cannot judge him based on not asking me for a date. But...nothing stops him from saying he would like to meet once lockdown is over, something he didn’t mention so far. And no talking on the phone either.”

 

When he did that pic upload thing, it sent her alarm bells off, and she said : 

 

“Let’s just say that was a big turn off for me and I’ll be talking to other guys instead.”

 

 

Yeah, but look where we are. And really, everything else she’s said in the thread is “yes, this is all very weird to me...but....” 

Edited March 2, 2021 by Shortskirtslonglashes

[Versacehottie]

1 hour ago, Emilyinroses said:

Ok so guys he works in a place that is closed now but is near my house, and he said to me today that he needs to go there this Friday, and so he has a reason to travel and we can meet and go for a walk in a park.

I am happy he took that step and I am taking the opportunity to meet him and see how he is for real. He told me the reason he didn't make a move yet was because he feels a connection with me but wasn't sure if I was feeling it too or was just talking to him to pass the time! So basically same as I was feeling.

I was getting real anxious about talking to him and feeling a connection and never met him IRL. I know very well it can be an illusion and meeting in person is necessary.

So we are meeting this Friday and then I can take an informed decision of how I feel about him.

So see you being hyper-guarded and suspicious HAS its consequences. It's a version of self-sabotage and pressure on the whole thing.  It's better to manage those anxious feelings and amp'd up pressure you are putting on yourself, him, the relationship so that you have every opportunity.  You just need to trust yourself that time reveals things and you will BE ABLE to manage accordingly.  You need to trust that you have options and won't be in a disaster.  all this is necessary risk to find the person.  And trust yourself that you will be ok regardless and can utilize your b.s detector.  I think the bigger challenge, for you, is to manage your anxiety so it doesn't torpedo relationships because it's hyper.

I'm so glad you guys are going. Bolded is a little bit of putting it into lala land or over-fantasizing it.  It's not a big deal.  Think of it as something that is happening organically, same as having a conversation with a nice looking guy at starbucks--maybe something more will come of it but just enjoy the moment.  That's the best way for you to perform (in quotes!) your best and keep it real. Good luck 

[Gaeta]

6 minutes ago, Versacehottie said:

So see you being hyper-guarded and suspicious HAS its consequences. It's a version of self-sabotage and pressure on the whole thing.

All this is caused by talking daily for long periods of time. 

At the beginning of this thread I suggested OP to put her phone down and to get back in touch when confinement is lifted. It would have avoided the stress, self-sabotage, building up a fantasy, dissecting his every word to try to figure him out. 

[Versacehottie]

2 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

All this is caused by talking daily for long periods of time. 

At the beginning of this thread I suggested OP to put her phone down and to get back in touch when confinement is lifted. It would have avoided the stress, self-sabotage, building up a fantasy, dissecting his every word to try to figure him out. 

100% agree. I think to talk/text for a long time before meeting is not usually a good idea. Momentum killer.  Plus you want the good hits of good hormones to be not from text pings but from how much more exciting it is in person rather than spend all the upfront and be let down in person (some of which is manufactured letdown due to spending all the story time and surprise of getting to know one another and good chemistry in the texting phase or on the phone).  Also the pressure to be vitally important to one another is amp'd up because of the length of time of investment and wanting the investment to pay off rather than the fact that it's still just a first date, a first in person meeting so that can be fragile at best.

And yeah too much dissecting.  At the risk of adding new points of worry to the OP, I answered your post Gaeta, lol hopefully that doesn't happen.  Idk, they both sound like they overworry and perhaps plan stuff out so sometimes people like this like to have their ducks in a row and all that order creates some chemistry for the pure fact that "they are getting what they purchased". Not what I would suggest doing but they've already spent the time talking a lot beforehand, there is nowhere to go but forward.  And still while it may have not been the suggested way to do it, I know some people who have done things this way with success.  Smaller percentage but it's possible.