This guy is really nice but is he just slow?

[poppyfields]

DF, I respect your opinion but I'm going to gracefully bow out of the discussion as you and I are on completely different wavelengths about this.

Women need to be honest about how they measure up to other women?  

Or how about men being honest about how they measure up to other men? 

I do not believe in comparing ourselves to others or the "measure up" or "league" mentality.  Never did.

When the energy/chemistry is right, and a true connection made, which as odd as it sounds can be immediate (albeit rare) and I speak from experience, measuring up to others or what league you or they are in becomes irrelevant.  

Be the best you can be, give what you have to give, be open and accepting of what the other has to give, be genuine and real, don't play games. 

Stop worrying what everyone else is doing, and simply enjoy your connection, embrace the journey, wherever it leads.

Be open to all possibilities.

I refuse to settle for anything less than that and if that means being alone for the rest of my life, so be.

I have no issue with that; I seek relationships that enhance my life not "be" my life.  

 

Edited February 21, 2021 by poppyfields

[dramafreezone]

37 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

DF, I respect your opinion but I'm going to gracefully bow out of the discussion as you and I are on completely different wavelengths about this.

Women need to be honest about how they measure up to other women?  

Or how about men being honest about how they measure up to other men? 

I do not believe in comparing ourselves to others or the "measure up" or "league" mentality.  Never did.

When the energy/chemistry is right, and a true connection made, which as odd as it sounds can be immediate (albeit rare) and I speak from experience, measuring up to others or what league you or they are in becomes irrelevant.  

Be the best you can be, give what you have to give, be open and accepting of what the other has to give, be genuine and real, don't play games. 

Stop worrying what everyone else is doing, and simply enjoy your connection, embrace the journey, wherever it leads.

Be open to all possibilities.

I refuse to settle for anything less than that and if that means being alone for the rest of my life, so be.

I have no issue with that; I seek relationships that enhance my life not "be" my life.  

 

Quote

Or how about men being honest about how they measure up to other men? 

They should, and I do.   It would be ignorant of me to say that I'm just as qualified to attract women as any other guy.  It's just not true.  I compare myself to other guys, but to learn from them and take their positive qualities where I'm weaker.   How else do you learn to grow if you don't use an example to model yourself after?  I don't ever consider myself a finished product.

My point is, if you think you deserve this great guy, make sure that you're a great woman.  We deserve what we get, so if you're not getting what you think you deserve, the problem is likely with you.  A lot of people think they are amazing, which is a great attitude to start with.  But it can be taken too far when people don't take a good look in the mirror and acknowledge where they could stand to improve.

Maybe some of these "players" aren't really players, maybe they just don't want to settle with that particular woman.  But they get called players instead of the woman looking herself in the mirror and saying maybe I just don't bring to the table what I thought I did.   I just see a real lack of accountability in the dating world, on both sides.  I see a lot of the lack of accountability talk from the woman's perspective so I'm just giving you the man's for a change, since there's not a lot of that on here.

Edited February 21, 2021 by dramafreezone

[Emilyinroses]

Guys, thank you for your replies!

My response:

- Yes I like a guy who takes charge but I wanted to ask this guy if he wants go exchange numbers as a kind of a test to see if he would do it or he would bail (in case of being married)

- We are on lockdown now so we cannot meet at the moment, so it’s not weird he didn’t ask me to meet, but.... he could of course ask to talk on the phone or mention for us to meet when lockdown ends, which he didn’t.

- I won’t tell him to take charge (I find doing that ridiculous), and I won’t ask to meet myself. 

What I am doing is simply talking to other guys and not focusing on this one.

Edited February 21, 2021 by Emilyinroses

[Alpacalia]

10 minutes ago, Emilyinroses said:

Guys, thank you for your replies!

My response:

- Yes I like a guy who takes charge but I wanted to ask this guy if he wants go exchange numbers as a kind of a test to see if he would do it or he would bail (in case of being married)

- We are on lockdown now so we cannot meet at the moment, so it’s not weird he didn’t ask me to meet, but.... he could of course ask to talk on the phone or mention for us to meet when lockdown ends, which he didn’t.

- I won’t tell him to take charge (I find doing that ridiculous), and I won’t ask to meet myself. 

What I am doing is simply talking to other guys and not focusing on this one.

Great. You exchanged phone numbers, if he doesn't call, then you know he's not interested.

[Emilyinroses]

2 minutes ago, Alpaca said:

Great. You exchanged phone numbers, if he doesn't call, then you know he's not interested.

The thing is, he messages me all day long telling me about his day, what he is doing, asking about me, etc. He does seem interested, but just very guarded for some reason.

He didn’t call me or mention to do that. 

I’m thinking he is attached, or just emotionally unavailable for some reason.

[Alpacalia]

1 minute ago, Emilyinroses said:

The thing is, he messages me all day long telling me about his day, what he is doing, asking about me, etc. He does seem interested, but just very guarded for some reason.

He didn’t call me or mention to do that. 

I’m thinking he is attached, or just emotionally unavailable for some reason.

He could be (attached). You're not obligated to respond to his messages either.

[Emilyinroses]

1 minute ago, Alpaca said:

He could be (attached). You're not obligated to respond to his messages either.

Of course I am not, but I do like talking to him. We have a lot in common and is nice.

[Wiseman2]

39 minutes ago, Emilyinroses said:

I wanted to ask this guy if he wants go exchange numbers as a kind of a test 

What I am doing is simply talking to other guys and not focusing on this one.

Two excellent moves. Now you can communicate with others and see what he does with the Whatsapp situation.

Another test would be to send him a string of random emojis  such as 😱👙🤡🦎🦆👽👹🦙🎶🙂🛒🤔🍽 and see how he responds. 

Just kidding😉

Edited February 21, 2021 by Wiseman2

[poppyfields]

40 minutes ago, dramafreezone said:

They should, and I do.   It would be ignorant of me to say that I'm just as qualified to attract women as any other guy.  It's just not true.  I compare myself to other guys, but to learn from them and take their positive qualities where I'm weaker.   How else do you learn to grow if you don't use an example to model yourself after?  I don't ever consider myself a finished product.

My point is, if you think you deserve this great guy, make sure that you're a great woman.  We deserve what we get, so if you're not getting what you think you deserve, the problem is likely with you.  A lot of people think they are amazing, which is a great attitude to start with.  But it can be taken too far when people don't take a good look in the mirror and acknowledge where they could stand to improve.

Maybe some of these "players" aren't really players, maybe they just don't want to settle with that particular woman.  But they get called players instead of the woman looking herself in the mirror and saying maybe I just don't bring to the table what I thought I did.   I just see a real lack of accountability in the dating world, on both sides.  I see a lot of the lack of accountability talk from the woman's perspective so I'm just giving you the man's for a change, since there's not a lot of that on here.

I don't call men players DF, I only refer to them that way because others do.

Not even sure what a player is really, I've always been confused about it.

A confident man, who is successful at attracting women and perhaps multi-dating?  

That's not a "player," it's a confident man successful at dating, period. 

A man who lies and deceives women to get what he wants?  That sounds more like a player, or perhaps just a sociopath.😳

I deserve a great guy, for me, and I make sure to bring forth my best self, for him.

I don't need to do that by comparing myself to or observing others; I was raised to have strong values, integrity, to take pride in who I am, to be the best I can be, inside and out.

It doesn't take comparing myself or observing how I measure up to other women to do that, I do me. 

I attract a lot of men by simply being myself. I always have, ever since I started dating in high school.

Sadly, I've had men (some not all obviously) distrust me, accuse me of playing games, which wasn't true.

I simply did not respond the way they expected me to, like other women responded, therefore in their minds, I was playing games, which was unfortunate.

I see a lack of accountability also, on both sides, a lot of blame being passed around, victimization, not owning our part.

I'm not perfect but I own who I am, my mistakes, my role in the breakdown, and strive to do better next time.  

We do our best, honestly and genuinely, that's all we can do.

 

 

Edited February 21, 2021 by poppyfields

[Emilyinroses]

4 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Two excellent moves. Now you can communicate with others and see what he does with the Whatsapp situation.

Yes exactly. I’m talking to other guys and see what this one does. If he does nothing, nothing it is from me too.

[Wiseman2]

2 minutes ago, Emilyinroses said:

Yes exactly. I’m talking to other guys and see what this one does. If he does nothing, nothing it is from me too.

Another test would be to send him a string of random emojis  such as 😱👙🤡🦎🦆👽👹🦙🎶🙂🛒🤔🍽 and see how he responds. 

Just kidding😉 But hey who knows? some of those IQ tests are just as weird.

Edited February 21, 2021 by Wiseman2

[dramafreezone]

Sounds like you have it all figured out.👍

[Wiseman2]

1 minute ago, dramafreezone said:

Sounds like you have it all figured out.👍

Thank you. ⛽🍀❤🏈🤢🦏💰🤦‍♂️🥜🧬🍕☝

[SaraSays]

Everything seems fine to me. I'd rather a slow, consistent pace. It's great that you now have contact away from the app. Why don't you suggest a drink over a video call, since you can't safely meetup right now? Seeing each other over video will give you another indication if there's enough of a connection to merit keeping in touch.

[Emilyinroses]

4 minutes ago, SaraSays said:

Everything seems fine to me. I'd rather a slow, consistent pace. It's great that you now have contact away from the app. Why don't you suggest a drink over a video call, since you can't safely meetup right now? Seeing each other over video will give you another indication if there's enough of a connection to merit keeping in touch.

Yes great idea, I would love to do that. But I suggested exchanging numbers, now has to be me again suggesting the video call!?

I don’t mind with a slow consistent pace either.

My experience of guys who move too fast are from guys who are either just wanting sex, or guys who are love bombing, needy and codependent. So moving at a slower pace and developing a friendship first is fine to me.

The only thing is that I like the guy to show interest and make a move. I suggested exchanging numbers, now could be him suggesting something too. Team effort.

Edited February 21, 2021 by Emilyinroses

[sushiandtacos]

5 minutes ago, Emilyinroses said:

Yes great idea, I would love to do that. But I suggested exchanging numbers, now has to be me again suggesting the video call!?

I don’t mind with a slow consistent pace either.

My experience of guys who move too fast are from guys who are either just wanting sex, or guys who are love bombing, needy and codependent. So moving at a slower pace and developing a friendship first is fine to me.

The only thing is that I like the guy to show interest and make a move. I suggested exchanging numbers, now could be him suggesting something too. Team effort.

Recently went through something similar, thought this guy was different from the others since he didn't move fast at all and was not in it just to hook up. Although he asked to exchange numbers first, I initiated most of the other things including a first date, etc. Yeah at first it was refreshing that he wasn't all about trying to meet up and have sex, but in the end it didn't work out because he didn't put in the level of effort I wanted. He's just the type of guy that expected most of the work to be done by the girl but tbh that's not me, I prefer when guys take the lead, not all the time but at least sometimes because it shows effort. So yeah he may be taking it slow and can be a really great guy, but at the same time he needs to put in some work/effort. Maybe this guy will turn differently than the guy I saw and fingers crossed he is better! It's still a great idea to talk to other people like you're doing and not put so much focus into this one. 

[dramafreezone]

1 minute ago, sushiandtacos said:

Recently went through something similar, thought this guy was different from the others since he didn't move fast at all and was not in it just to hook up. Although he asked to exchange numbers first, I initiated most of the other things including a first date, etc. Yeah at first it was refreshing that he wasn't all about trying to meet up and have sex, but in the end it didn't work out because he didn't put in the level of effort I wanted. He's just the type of guy that expected most of the work to be done by the girl but tbh that's not me, I prefer when guys take the lead, not all the time but at least sometimes because it shows effort. So yeah he may be taking it slow and can be a really great guy, but at the same time he needs to put in some work/effort. Maybe this guy will turn differently than the guy I saw and fingers crossed he is better! It's still a great idea to talk to other people like you're doing and not put so much focus into this one. 

What type of work was he not putting in?

[Gaeta]

@Emilyinroses: Why whatsapp? 

[Emilyinroses]

7 minutes ago, sushiandtacos said:

Recently went through something similar, thought this guy was different from the others since he didn't move fast at all and was not in it just to hook up. Although he asked to exchange numbers first, I initiated most of the other things including a first date, etc. Yeah at first it was refreshing that he wasn't all about trying to meet up and have sex, but in the end it didn't work out because he didn't put in the level of effort I wanted. He's just the type of guy that expected most of the work to be done by the girl but tbh that's not me, I prefer when guys take the lead, not all the time but at least sometimes because it shows effort. So yeah he may be taking it slow and can be a really great guy, but at the same time he needs to put in some work/effort. Maybe this guy will turn differently than the guy I saw and fingers crossed he is better! It's still a great idea to talk to other people like you're doing and not put so much focus into this one. 

Yes I believe both need to show interest and effort, and I like a guy who initiates.

This guy does initiates conversation, he texts me every day to say good morning for example.

So let’s see how this goes, especially after lockdown ends when we can meet.

Yes in the meantime I am talking to other guys as I do not want to put all my time in one guy I have never seen in person before.

Edited February 21, 2021 by Emilyinroses

[SaraSays]

You seem to judge mal-intent when he doesn't do something you think he should be doing, mindful he isn't mistreating you, nor doing anything harmful to anyone else. He's simply an autonomous other human, different from you. There's no indication in anything you've posted that he's mean-spirited.

It doesn't have to be you doing anything, but it begs the question why these tiny steps feel like mountains, and what you'd do otherwise - spend time texting and building more resentment? Isn't it in your best interests to find out quickly if there's any substance to the texting bond? Isn't a video call another (low-effort) way to find out how easily you 2 get along?

If you have time to spare, look up the story of Paolo Macchiarini and Benita Alexander on youtube for balance. He might be someone people would have held up as putting in all the effort, showing enormous amounts of interest, doing everything right by the book, and I'm hoping it will show you how flawed any supposed model is if it's being used to manipulate another.

Edited February 21, 2021 by SaraSays

[Emilyinroses]

1 minute ago, Gaeta said:

@Emilyinroses: Why whatsapp? 

Because I like it.

[Gaeta]

In your area are you allowed to meet outside? 

My Province is in full lock down + a curfew but we're allowed to meet outside for winter sports & walks up to 4 people. I don't know where you are but maybe for us it's different as this week we had - 27 C, maybe that's why meeting outside isn't considered risky. 

[Gaeta]

15 hours ago, dramafreezone said:

If you really like guy, why not help him out a bit?  

Here is the thing. Nature is done in a way that confident men and shy men have all what it takes to pursue the woman they desire. It's in their genetic and meant for our survival, in men it's called testosterone. Testosterone will have a man, even a shy one,  seek a woman, chase her, win her over. Studies have shown that if a woman gives a compliment to a man like 'You're very good at that', 'you look nice', 'you're smart', it will raise his level of testosterone therefore his desire to pursue her.

So, this man may be shy but the problem underneath is OP does not generate a raise of Testosterone in him, not enough for him to go in pursuit mode.

Edited February 21, 2021 by Gaeta

[mortensorchid]

5 hours ago, poppyfields said:

May I ask a question?  

You claim you prefer a man be the "take charge" type with masculine energy, but yet it was you who assumed that role by taking charge suggesting you exchange numbers. 😳

This is how women find themselves in relationships with passive men who are more than happy to sit back and let women do all the heavy lifting.  And how they become passive and lazy.

I have absolutely nothing against women taking charge, taking the lead, asking for his number or being the first to suggest meeting or what you did, IF that is her true genuine nature and she enjoys taking the lead. 

But you said you didn't, that it is not your true genuine nature, or is it? 

Gaeta spoke about a man shooting himself in the foot by discussing sex before meeting; jmo but you shot yourself in the foot by choosing a man too passive or scared (or not interested enough) to do something as simple as ask for your number so you can chat off the App.

I dont envision this going well, sorry.

You might enjoy chatting, and asking to exchange numbers may seem somewhat insignificant but you just taught him he doesnt have to do much or take any risks. 

Wait long enough and you'll do that for him....

I don't get it, but good luck, and I hope I'm wrong. 

 

I agree with this as well.  I think this has been my major issue when dealing with guys, either in the OLD world or otherwise.  I am a very serious person, I do nothing halfway and I have a certain "attitude" about me that says "authority".  If the guy is so weak and passive that he can't even decide when / where to meet then ... He's a weak man.  And as a weak man, he will disappoint you.  I don't know if you are that type like me, but if he's like this then you should just move on. 

[dramafreezone]

 

30 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

Here is the thing. Nature is done in a way that confident men and shy men have all what it takes to pursue the woman they desire. It's in their genetic and meant for our survival, in men it's called testosterone. Testosterone will have a man, even a shy one,  seek a woman, chase her, win her over. Studies have shown that if a woman gives a compliment to a man like 'You're very good at that', 'you look nice', 'you're smart', it will raise his level of testosterone therefore his desire to pursue her.

So, this man may be shy but the problem underneath is OP does not generate a raise of Testosterone in him, not enough for him to go in pursuit mode.

Well, studies are interesting and often illuminating but like anything else, don't apply to all men, just as not every women responds to the same things.  Words of affirmation/compliments may have little to no affect on him.