This guy is really nice but is he just slow?

[SaraSays]

This is a charming update. Your excitement is palpable @Emilyinroses. Well done. Baby steps are the safest steps. Keep taking it day by day. All signs are great so far.

1 hour ago, Emilyinroses said:

conversation was easy like we knew each other for ages

Enjoy the euphoria for a little while, then pull your head out of the clouds. The first 3 months face-to-face are the period of limerence, when we have rose-tinted glasses on and cannot see truly if the thing we're in has legs (let alone when it's just phone contact). This person is still a stranger, so try to quell anything painting an illusion of longevity, because it can create unrealistic expectations (trust and comfort are built over time, and with consistent behaviour). 

Keep going, step by step. Stay hopeful, open and generous, when you metaphorically have someone meeting you half-way. Have fun, be fun, and enjoy getting to know each other. Be realistic about how much you can expect at any moment in time.

Think of ways to bring him into your life whilst there's distance. Could you play a game together online as you chat on video? Could you watch a film or TV show together as you chat on video? Could you wander around the supermarket as you chatter, and ask his opinion on some things? Could you both bake or cook the same thing as you chat on video?

[Emilyinroses]

7 minutes ago, SaraSays said:

This is a charming update. Your excitement is palpable @Emilyinroses. Well done. Baby steps are the safest steps. Keep taking it day by day. All signs are great so far.

Enjoy the euphoria for a little while, then pull your head out of the clouds. The first 3 months face-to-face are the period of limerence, when we have rose-tinted glasses on and cannot see truly if the thing we're in has legs (let alone when it's just phone contact). This person is still a stranger, so try to quell anything painting an illusion of longevity, because it can create unrealistic expectations (trust and comfort are built over time, and with consistent behaviour). 

Keep going, step by step. Stay hopeful, open and generous, when you metaphorically have someone meeting you half-way. Have fun, be fun, and enjoy getting to know each other. Be realistic about how much you can expect at any moment in time.

Think of ways to bring him into your life whilst there's distance. Could you play a game together online as you chat on video? Could you watch a film or TV show together as you chat on video? Could you wander around the supermarket as you chatter, and ask his opinion on some things? Could you both bake or cook the same thing as you chat on video?

Thank you, but my head is not in the clouds neither I have ideas of longevity with him.

I am taking it step by step, I really enjoyed talking on the phone, there was a good conversation that felt way better then most guys. 

I am also aware that doesn’t mean we are meant to be or are even compatible.

So I am still talking to other guys too. It’s very tempting to stop talking to other guys and just focus on him, but I feel that talking to other guys helps me put things in perspective and my head away from the clouds.

Although at the moment the way other guys are just makes me want to talk to him more.

Yes those are good ideas we can do thank you! Let’s see how things evolve now.

[SaraSays]

Best of luck. I am rooting for you, and wish you all the best. Please keep posting about how things are going, if you feel comfortable.

[poppyfields]

32 minutes ago, Emilyinroses said:

Thank you, but my head is not in the clouds neither I have ideas of longevity with him.

I am taking it step by step, I really enjoyed talking on the phone, there was a good conversation that felt way better then most guys. 

I am also aware that doesn’t mean we are meant to be or are even compatible.

So I am still talking to other guys too. It’s very tempting to stop talking to other guys and just focus on him, but I feel that talking to other guys helps me put things in perspective and my head away from the clouds.

Although at the moment the way other guys are just makes me want to talk to him more.

Yes those are good ideas we can do thank you! Let’s see how things evolve now.

  

The bolded especially, but all of it really.  Great attitude, keeping it all in proper perspective.

I hope you guys get to meet soon!  In the meantime, enjoy, have fun with it. 

 

[Emilyinroses]

On 2/25/2021 at 8:51 PM, poppyfields said:

  

The bolded especially, but all of it really.  Great attitude, keeping it all in proper perspective.

I hope you guys get to meet soon!  In the meantime, enjoy, have fun with it. 

 

Hi guys, so I continued talking daily to this guy, texting and on the phone, and then as he wasnt making any mention to meeting in person, I was starting to wonder why and I asked him today.

I said to him we have been talking daily  every day and I am curious to know him in person and wanted to do that and asked if he feels that too. He said yes, and that he was basically waiting for ME to take that first step!

He said he wanted me to be at ease and didn't want me to run away but that eventually he would end up saying it too. 

I told him I found it strange he didn't say anything about that and that usually I do not take that first step.

Now I feel a bit of an idiot for asking and speeding things up. But I needed to know, because I didn't want to waste my time with someone who I don't even know if they plan to meet me.

I'm still trying to check how I feel about him waiting for me to take that first step instead of saying it himself!??

Edited March 1, 2021 by Emilyinroses

[Gaeta]

18 minutes ago, Emilyinroses said:

He said he wanted me to be at ease and didn't want me to run away but that eventually he would end up saying it too. 

Because you've given him the impression you're a fragile, overly sensitive, easily scared woman? 

Somehow I don't buy it.

 

 

[Emilyinroses]

9 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

Because you've given him the impression you're a fragile, overly sensitive, easily scared woman? 

Somehow I don't buy it.

 

 

I find that weird too. Unless he had bad experiences in the past with women who ran away or rejected him and he is scared now.

He is the one who comes across as sensitive, fragile and easily scared man. Possibly a beta male too.

[poppyfields]

If memory serves me correctly, you were the one to propose moving on from the app and talking on WhatsApp, correct?  He said he was waiting for you to initiate that.

Now here you are  again proposing you meet in person and him responding he was waiting for you to initiate. 

You wrote this earlier.

>>I like guys who take charge and show interest and initiative. Guys with a masculine energy that ask for my number, for a date, etc.

If I do that myself I feel like I am being the man and sets the tone for the rest. I don’t feel comfortable doing.<<

I think it's clear this guy wants you to take the lead.

So given what you wrote about liking men who take charge and the lead, may I ask what you like about this man and what's driving you to push forward with him? 

No judgment either way, I'm more feminine energy myself and have taken the initiative.  I didn't overthink it when I have, it came natural based on our connection at the time. 

But taking initiative seems to bother you, so wondering why you did so, twice?  And then overthinking and analyzing it.

Why not simply seek a guy who matches what and how you prefer him to be? 

Edited March 1, 2021 by poppyfields

[Emilyinroses]

7 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

If memory serves me correctly, you were the one to propose moving on from the app and talking on WhatsApp?  He said he was waiting for you to initiate that.

Now here you are  again proposing you meet in person and him responding he was waiting for you to initiate. 

You wrote this earlier.

>>I like guys who take charge and show interest and initiative. Guys with a masculine energy that ask for my number, for a date, etc.

If I do that myself I feel like I am being the man and sets the tone for the rest. I don’t feel comfortable doing.<<

I think it's clear this guy wants you to take the lead. So given what you wrote about liking men who take the lead, may I ask what you like about this man and what's driving you to push forward with him? 

No judgment either way, I'm more feminine energy myself and have taken the initiative.

But doing so seems to bother you, so wondering why you did so, twice?  

Why not simply seek a guy who matches what and how you prefer him to be? 

Yes you are right. I prefer masculine men who take the lead and I have done that twice with him.

I did it because I wanted to know if I was wasting my time. I don’t want to talk to someone who has no intentions of meeting me.

I am realizing this guy is a beta male and wants me to initiate things. This is not going to go well because I didn’t like what he said today and I will get resentful to take the lead more times and will refuse to do that so there will be no polarity between us.

What I liked about him was the fact he is consistent and that we have a lot in common.

It was good for me to ask him that today so I know how he thinks, but now I feel like an idiot.

Edited March 1, 2021 by Emilyinroses

[SaraSays]

50 minutes ago, Emilyinroses said:

Hi guys, so I continued talking daily to this guy, texting and on the phone, and then as he wasnt making any mention to meeting in person, I was starting to wonder why and I asked him today.

I said to him we have been talking daily  every day and I am curious to know him in person and wanted to do that and asked if he feels that too. He said yes, and that he was basically waiting for ME to take that first step!

He said he wanted me to be at ease and didn't want me to run away but that eventually he would end up saying it too. 

I told him I found it strange he didn't say anything about that and that usually I do not take that first step.

Now I feel a bit of an idiot for asking and speeding things up. But I needed to know, because I didn't want to waste my time with someone who I don't even know if they plan to meet me.

I'm still trying to check how I feel about him waiting for me to take that first step instead of saying it himself!??

Others will, no doubt, see this differently.

To me, this reads as if you're expecting this to fail, like you're trying to sabotage it. It feels to me like you have these waves of not accepting him as a separate, autonomous human, who could both be different from you, and also great. It feels like you're nit-picking here needlessly, because he's not doing what you think you'd do if you were him, but not because he's doing anything wrong. Just from what you've posted so far, he has been respectful and invested in building something with you step-by-step.

It's entirely appropriate to not mention meeting in person, both because it's early days (and things have been progressing alright, so they haven't been static), but also because there's a rampant disease afoot, with the potential to cause long term illness and death. Meeting isn't safe right now. Midnight trysts, sneaking around illegally, running away together - all could kill either one of you, both of you, or kill innocent others.

Video call dates, where both partake in activities together, or just chat, seem to be the best way to get to know someone initially right now.

In my opinion, your expectations of this moment in time are out of kilter with the reality of slowly building something decent with a stranger during a worldwide pandemic, who seems like he might be a potential match (assuming what you're posting on here about things between you both so far are fair and accurate).

[poppyfields]

27 minutes ago, Emilyinroses said:

Yes you are right. I prefer masculine men who take the lead and I have done that twice with him.

I did it because I wanted to know if I was wasting my time. I don’t want to talk to someone who has no intentions of meeting me.

I am realizing this guy is a beta male and wants me to initiate things. This is not going to go well because I didn’t like what he said today and I will get resentful to take the lead more times and will refuse to do that so there will be no polarity between us.

What I liked about him was the fact he is consistent and that we have a lot in common.

It was good for me to ask him that today so I know how he thinks, but now I feel like an idiot.

Not sure why you feel like an idiot, there was nothing bad or wrong (or embarrassing) about you initiating a meet. 

Like I said, I'm very feminine energy but I'm trying to break free from these stereotypical roles defining what's masculine and what's feminine, such roles are arbitrary imo.

Such roles are also interchangeable, meaning I can take the lead sometimes and still be feminine and a man can be more passive and still be masculine.

I base whatever action or non-action I take on our connection, the connection I have with that man.  

Maybe forget about whether he's beta or alpha, do you like him?  Do you feel connected to him though your chats?

Do you find his energy to be masculine by how he speaks to you and interacts with you? 

Feminine and masculine aren't determined by arbitrary roles such as him taking initiative or whatever, they're part of who we are, our energy, our essence.

I have dated men who were very obviously masculine energy, even when at times they acted more beta, I still found them to be incredibly masculine.

Do what you feel and try to not second guess. 

You asked him to meet, he said yes, fabulous!  Go with that.  Meet him and have fun! 

 

 

Edited March 1, 2021 by poppyfields

[Emilyinroses]

9 minutes ago, SaraSays said:

Others will, no doubt, see this differently.

To me, this reads as if you're expecting this to fail, like you're trying to sabotage it. It feels to me like you have these waves of not accepting him as a separate, autonomous human, who could both be different from you, and also great. It feels like you're nit-picking here needlessly, because he's not doing what you think you'd do if you were him, but not because he's doing anything wrong. Just from what you've posted so far, he has been respectful and invested in building something with you step-by-step.

It's entirely appropriate to not mention meeting in person, both because it's early days (and things have been progressing alright, so they haven't been static), but also because there's a rampant disease afoot, with the potential to cause long term illness and death. Meeting isn't safe right now. Midnight trysts, sneaking around illegally, running away together - all could kill either one of you, both of you, or kill innocent others.

Video call dates, where both partake in activities together, or just chat, seem to be the best way to get to know someone initially right now.

In my opinion, your expectations of this moment in time are out of kilter with the reality of slowly building something decent with a stranger during a worldwide pandemic, who seems like he might be a potential match (assuming what you're posting on here about things between you both so far are fair and accurate).

Nope, the problem here is I have been meeting all sorts of guys online for a long time, so I kinda do not trust a guy I haven’t met yet.

That is not his fault, but I just want to be careful. I used to trust guys easily in the past and it backfired me so now I want to be careful.

Saying I want to meet him doesn’t mean we’ll be running around illegally or whatever. The meeting doesn’t even have to be tomorrow. I just needed to know he wants to meet up eventually.

That he is not just bored and wanting a penpal or whatever.

But yes you might be right I am waiting for the other shoe to drop. I have been burned so many times that now I don’t expect anything good.

Edited March 1, 2021 by Emilyinroses

[Versacehottie]

Agree with Sarasays and all along OP, you've said you don't want to waste your time, YET you are wasting your time....because of the way you nitpick and hold on at the same time.  Either say to yourself, he's not for you because he doesn't initiate (silly in this context because his story is plausible enough and no harm on one date!) and let him go OR take a leap and get better information from knowing him in person. 

I do think you read as someone who is overly cautious and suspicious and he's definitely playing to that card.  So at least give him credit for being sensitive

[Emilyinroses]

9 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

Not sure why you feel like an idiot, there was nothing bad or wrong (or embarrassing) about you initiating a meet. 

Like I said, I'm very feminine energy but I'm trying to break free from these stereotypical roles defining what's masculine and what's feminine, such roles are arbitrary imo.

Such roles are also interchangeable, meaning I can take the lead sometimes and still be feminine and a man can be more passive and still be masculine.

I base whatever action or non-action I take on our connection, the connection I have with that man.  

Maybe forget about whether he's beta or alpha, do you like him?  Do you feel connected to him though your chats?

Do you find his energy to be masculine by how he speaks to you and interacts with you? 

Feminine and masculine aren't determined by arbitrary roles such as him taking initiative or whatever, they're part of who we are, our energy, our essence.

I have dated men who were quite masculine, even when at times they acted more beta, I still found them to be incredibly masculine.

 

 

I guess you are right. Yes I do feel a connection with him and in a way I feel our energies are very similar. 

Will continue to talk and see how it goes.

[Emilyinroses]

4 minutes ago, Versacehottie said:

Agree with Sarasays and all along OP, you've said you don't want to waste your time, YET you are wasting your time....because of the way you nitpick and hold on at the same time.  Either say to yourself, he's not for you because he doesn't initiate (silly in this context because his story is plausible enough and no harm on one date!) and let him go OR take a leap and get better information from knowing him in person. 

I do think you read as someone who is overly cautious and suspicious and he's definitely playing to that card.  So at least give him credit for being sensitive

Yes I am suspicious and very cautious. I have been burned far too many times and my guard is up.

Yes he is guarded too and plays to that card. I feel me and him are actually quite similar in that respect.

I’ll continue talking to him and see how it goes. Thank you.

Edited March 1, 2021 by Emilyinroses

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, Emilyinroses said:

He said yes, and that he was basically waiting for ME to take that first step.

Sounds like he came back with a good answer for dragging his heels a bit. Did he then try to plan anything?

[Emilyinroses]

7 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sounds like he came back with a good answer for dragging his heels a bit. Did he then try to plan anything?

What I think is that he was afraid he would be rejected, so he was dragging his feet.

We are still on lockdown so we need to wait a few more weeks to meet. I just needed to know he actually wants to meet and not just wanting a penpal.

Last year at the time of the first lockdown I also met a guy online and we texted all day everyday.

He did say he wanted to meet me when lockdown was over, but many times I felt he really didn’t and he was just bored alone at home and wanted someone available to talk to and pass the time as his shop was closed.

As soon as lockdown was over and he went back to work he was gone. Disappeared. Ghosted. So that showed my intuition was right.

I don’t feel that with this guy now, but still I wanted to know his intentions.

Edited March 1, 2021 by Emilyinroses

[Gaeta]

18 minutes ago, Emilyinroses said:

I’ll continue talking to him and see how it goes. Thank you.

So you do have more time to waste?

This man waited for you to get off the dating app, waited for you to mention meeting. I can predict your next post, why he hasn't kissed me yet....well he was waiting for you! Then next thread will be he has not mentioned exclusivity?...he was waiting for you again. That's what's waiting for you. 

Now, you can stop this by *not being the  leader*. I believe earlier I suggested yo do NOT entertain him daily on text because I think that's all he wants, for whatever his reasons. He's not escalating anything because he's happy chatting. So, you tell this guy you're not too much into texting so when he's ready to meet you he knows how to contact you. He'll have to lead, he'll have no choice. 

Personally I'd drop it. It happened to me too many times and it turned into months penpal waste of time. 

[poppyfields]

Emilyinroses, below is a great article discussing masculine and feminine energy, and the sexual polarity between the two energies.

SEXUAL POLARITY: MASCULINE AND FEMININE ENERGY

One of the strongest types of polarity is sexual polarity. Opposing masculine and feminine energies, when they are truly embraced in a relationship, are what create that “spark” of sexual energy. The more opposed the sexual energies between two people are – masculine vs. feminine energy – the stronger the attraction will be in the relationship. 

Physical attraction, spiritual ecstasy and intimate connection thrive in a relationship when there is a distinct sexual polarity between the energies of both partners. 

If two people have a similar sexual polarity, that is, both are more “masculine” or more “feminine,” then the attraction between them will be diminished. But if there is a strong difference, where one is extremely “feminine” and the other partner is “masculine,” then the physical attraction will be maximized. It’s “opposites attract” in action. 

In the law of polarity, masculine and feminine energies are not based on gender. Any person, male or female, can embody either energy. 

People with masculine energy tend to be strong, mission-driven problem-solvers seeking release from the restraints of life. They are competitive and can have trouble communicating emotions – yet they want to feel appreciated in relationships. Those with feminine energy are more open and free, ready to give and receive love. Feminine energies want to be noticed and understood. 

The importance of sexual polarity is knowing your true nature and how it manifests. If you’re in a relationship, you can use this concept to make it stronger. Looking for love? When you accept and cultivate your innate energy, you’ll naturally attract partners who complement you.

Once you understand and embrace the energy you’re putting out, you will attract more of the opposite energy in return.

 

 

[Wiseman2]

2 minutes ago, Emilyinroses said:

I wanted to know his intentions.

Since you haven't met, that could be his only intention at this point. Keep in mind you are both talking to others so knowing his intentions, doesn't matter.

His intentions may be the same as yours... chatting until the situation eases up and meeting is possible, no?

[Gaeta]

4 minutes ago, Emilyinroses said:

What I think is that he was afraid he would be rejected, so he was dragging his feet.

Who wants to date a man that's afraid of rejection? You are making way too many excuses for this guy. 

[poppyfields]

12 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

Who wants to date a man that's afraid of rejection? You are making way too many excuses for this guy. 

Because admittedly she feels a connection to him, with him.  They vibe well and their energies complement each other. 

I actually applaud his honestly.  He's nervous, aren't we all?  

Nothing wrong with that or admitting it. 

I say keep it going and don't overthink the masculine/feminine aspect and let nature take it's course. 

If it's right, it will all fall into place eventually, the right place. 

If not, it won't.

Allow it to play out. 

Edited March 1, 2021 by poppyfields

[Gaeta]

4 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

Because admittedly she feels a connection to him, with him.  They vibe well and their energies complement each other. 

 

But it's not real. It's all virtual flah flah.

There is no connection, no vibe, only an imaginary fantasy.

She'll meet him and he'll be 5'2'' instead of 6'2'' and that beautiful connection will be worth 0.

[SaraSays]

45 minutes ago, Emilyinroses said:

I just needed to know he wants to meet up eventually.

No way to know this. People will lsay all kinds of things in the moment that they didn't mean but knew the other would feel flattered by, or meant because they got caught up in the moment, but don't mean genuinely. Anything in life involving another independent human is a leap of faith, and that's why it's important for us all to try to achieve a state of knowing we'll be alright whatever comes our way; that our lives will continue to be meaningful, and that we'll continue to be hopeful.

Initial sparks are delicate. The spark could die long before you could meet, or grow into a flame, that only gets better when you meet. 1 of you could reveal something that's a deal breaker for the other, and that could end it, before you meet. A person could catch COVID, and end up hospitalised, or worse.

21 minutes ago, Emilyinroses said:

So that showed my intuition was right.

No way to know this either. We find what we seek - this reads like self-sabotaging again, because we've no objective way of claiming this (I think it's coming from a wound you have, that was inflicted by others, and never healed). Rarely are situations black and white. All we know is initial connections during the limerence phase are delicate, and mostly come to nothing.

Despite all of this, I was delighted to see your bravery above - you're going to keep trying, because you still have reason to, and that''s all we ever have, even after 20 years with someone. I am very sorry you were hurt by the cruelty of others, and proud of you for carrying on regardless. 

[poppyfields]

31 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

But it's not real. It's all virtual flah flah.

There is no connection, no vibe, only an imaginary fantasy.

Gaeta, you know that's not true.   You posted in HeartBreak Weather's thread you connected with a man on line, that connection was very real, or do you now believe it wasn't real? 

Do you believe what you had with that man for an entire year was all imaginary fantasy?  

I happen to believe on-line can be very real, no matter what it's based on. Even if it is, in part, fantasy.   

Real life relationships can also be fantasy for that matter.  Perhaps more so even!   And I speak from experience when I say that.

I also appreciate the importance of meeting in person and to keep things in perspective until that time.  

But I reject the notion on-line is somehow not "real."  The person you are interacting with is a human being with emotions, not a robot.  

Edited March 1, 2021 by poppyfields