Author Emilyinroses Posted February 22, 2021 Author Share Posted February 22, 2021 57 minutes ago, Gaeta said: How come you have not asked him how long he's been single? It's the very first thing l ask when l make contact. You have all this time talking so make it profitable, ask him about his dating history. Ask questions if he's vague. Yes I am gonna ask him. But I find it weird he didn’t ask me either. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Emilyinroses Posted February 22, 2021 Author Share Posted February 22, 2021 1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said: Ok if you enjoy the texting, why worry? There's no possibly of meeting at the coffee shop or anywhere else right now. It seems you want more,yet are quite happy with what already is. It also seems like you have a dating manual you're trying to follow that it's supposed to "progress" from a to b to c in x and y and z time-frames. A lot of this is theory and posturing about "if a man does..." It means this or that. You like the text chitchat all day. You encourage it and enjoy it. So the real beef is that he's doing what you are promoting and enjoying but according to dating gurus and books he's not doing it right? Try to enjoy life more even in a time like this when dating/meeting is difficult. Step out of your head and assess things for yourself rather than any interpretations from dating books and all this dating guru lingo. No I don’t have a dating manual or follow the dating gurus. It’s more like my intuition telling me something is off rather than manuals. Link to post Share on other sites
SumGuy Posted February 22, 2021 Share Posted February 22, 2021 6 hours ago, Emilyinroses said: .... And, there’s also something that for me is also a yellow/red flag: he asked me NOTHING about my previous relationships. How long I have been single, what am I looking for, etc,etc. Nothing. I just realised I also do not know anything about him in that regard. If he is single, how long, etc. And I find it weird when a guy talks a lot about other stuff and nothing about that. I'd find it weird if a guy asked about your past relationships when you haven't met him. It seems kind of creepy and stalkerish on his part, also what business of it is his? Most women I have known would be glad he didn't get into their past relationships, invariably guys that do in their experience are bad news. I think it is perfectly legit to ask him about his past and relationships though. The reason for the different approach in my book is women face a set of danger men just do not in OLD. At the end of the day if you don't like what he likes to talk about, try to change the conversation or realize you two may not have similar interests. Saves everyone a lot of time instead of asking why the square peg doesn't fit in the round hole. He does sound different than the guys you dated in the past, if the guys you dated in your past are what you want then seek them out, if they have been less than what you want then different guys are not going to fit in the "guy box" as you have experienced it. Link to post Share on other sites
SaraSays Posted February 22, 2021 Share Posted February 22, 2021 It feels like you're sturggling to accept him as another human being, with different ways and thoughts, but with no ill intent towards you that we've seen thus far. I am wondering why you're not excited about the potential with him, why you're not excited to have another topic to chat to him about, instead you seem to be waiting for him to mis-step, so you can be right about something... Things can fall apart a month in, a year in, 30 years in, and we'll, hopefully, be fine, if they do, but it shouldn't stop us from embarking with hope on new shoots when there's no reason to think otherwise, and having faith that we'll get ourselves out of trouble, should that change. Why is it a red flag per your definition, if he doesn't mention ex-partners, so something he's doing so wrong that things could end, but not something you're doing so fatally wrong, since you didn't mention them either? The subject of ex-partners is very complex - loads of people find discussing it a red flag, loads of people find not discussing it a red flag, loads of people couldn't care less if it comes up, or not. I haven't ever asked someone I was weeks into knowing (and had met in-person, since I don't use online dating) about ex-partners, as it doesn't really interest me that much initially, and I'd rather the person tell me about them, if they wish to. I'd like to know if someone has kids up-front, but, otherwise, am looking forward and hopeful about. There are topics that require trust to discuss in-depth, and that's absent initially, so I'd rather not have superficial conversations about them. A video call would really help you to see each other in a bit more of a truthful light, as text messages present a filtered, primed version of us, because we can pause, edit and delete things. Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted February 22, 2021 Share Posted February 22, 2021 43 minutes ago, SumGuy said: I'd find it weird if a guy asked about your past relationships when you haven't met him. She doesn't want a confession on his past relationships, she wants to know how long he's been single. I would never meet a man without knowing how long he's been single. You'd be surprised how many men online are 1 month divorced, or not even divorced living in their ex's basement. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Emilyinroses Posted February 22, 2021 Author Share Posted February 22, 2021 37 minutes ago, SaraSays said: It feels like you're sturggling to accept him as another human being, with different ways and thoughts, but with no ill intent towards you that we've seen thus far. I am wondering why you're not excited about the potential with him, why you're not excited to have another topic to chat to him about, instead you seem to be waiting for him to mis-step, so you can be right about something... Things can fall apart a month in, a year in, 30 years in, and we'll, hopefully, be fine, if they do, but it shouldn't stop us from embarking with hope on new shoots when there's no reason to think otherwise, and having faith that we'll get ourselves out of trouble, should that change. Why is it a red flag per your definition, if he doesn't mention ex-partners, so something he's doing so wrong that things could end, but not something you're doing so fatally wrong, since you didn't mention them either? The subject of ex-partners is very complex - loads of people find discussing it a red flag, loads of people find not discussing it a red flag, loads of people couldn't care less if it comes up, or not. I haven't ever asked someone I was weeks into knowing (and had met in-person, since I don't use online dating) about ex-partners, as it doesn't really interest me that much initially, and I'd rather the person tell me about them, if they wish to. I'd like to know if someone has kids up-front, but, otherwise, am looking forward and hopeful about. There are topics that require trust to discuss in-depth, and that's absent initially, so I'd rather not have superficial conversations about them. A video call would really help you to see each other in a bit more of a truthful light, as text messages present a filtered, primed version of us, because we can pause, edit and delete things. Please notice that I do not want to get into deep conversations about past relationships at this stage! What I am talking about is simply asking what is your status? Are you single, divorced? And how long have you been on your own? Those sort of superficial questions, not digging into past relationships! For example, I am assuming he is single, but since he never asked me or told me about it, what if he is married? And down the road I discover that and then he says to me "well you never asked me"! That's my question. Yes he is different from other guys in the past, that's for sure and that is a good thing. There's a good energy about him, that's why I keep talking to him. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Emilyinroses Posted February 22, 2021 Author Share Posted February 22, 2021 (edited) 6 minutes ago, Gaeta said: She doesn't want a confession on his past relationships, she wants to know how long he's been single. I would never meet a man without knowing how long he's been single. You'd be surprised how many men online are 1 month divorced, or not even divorced living in their ex's basement. Yes that's what I meant. I do not want to date a man who is married, attached, or separated but not yet divorced, or divorced 1 month ago, etc. I also don't want to date a man who has a string of short term relationships. I want someone who is stable and healthy. And knowing his status and how long he's been single can tell me a lot about him. So I wonder why he doesn't want to know that about me, and yes I am going to ask him that. Edited February 22, 2021 by Emilyinroses 1 Link to post Share on other sites
SaraSays Posted February 22, 2021 Share Posted February 22, 2021 Did you look into the story of the couple I mentioned earlier on the thread? He'd have ticked all the good boxes, said all the right things, and he was seemingly a con-man who went as far as to pretend a wedding was scheduled. What value can you place in the words of a stranger so early on? You may not want a man who is x, y or z, but there's no way of knowing if the answer someone gives you at a moment in time is true, especially when you are both strangers with no trust established, and no depth to your connection. I assume someone is single in the early days, hence them approaching me. I'm hopeful about them, but I move slowly, and I try to regularly ask myself what's factual that I have seen or heard, and what's me filling in blanks with a story I am telling myself). "Stable" and "healthy" are very vague terms. What is the list of things you're looking for that we could measure? What would a man be doing day-in, day-out, in the early days, that would lead you to think he is a good partner for you? What would you be doing day-in, day-out, in the early days, that would, hopefully, lead him to think you are a good partner for him? Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted February 22, 2021 Share Posted February 22, 2021 (edited) 22 minutes ago, Emilyinroses said: I also don't want to date a man who has a string of short term relationships. If he's young like in his 20s you can't hold it against him to have a series of failed micro relationships. If he's 45 and never had a relationship reach 5+ years then it's a big red flag. Edited February 22, 2021 by Gaeta Link to post Share on other sites
Alpacalia Posted February 22, 2021 Share Posted February 22, 2021 Text contact is too much, first thing in the morning, during the day, at night, every day discussing deep matters. It produces a false sense of familiarity. There's no need to talk that much with each other all the time, you're not in a relationship. Something to bear in mind. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Miss Spider Posted February 22, 2021 Share Posted February 22, 2021 (edited) I agree that Covid has changed things a bit. But I would say that is mostly for the older (75+ crowd), because I did do some online dating post-covid, and it really didn’t stop interested people from suggesting a socially distanced meeting. When I was online dating I had a policy to stop talking to people if they hadn’t asked for a date in 10 exchanges ( including the hi how are you”) because, well, the one time I did talk to a guy for more than that (weeks) , I started to really like him and then turns out in person he came off very different personality-wise. He also looked different 😩( Just strong with the MySpace angles, I guess. ) and there just wasn’t a spark for me. I made an exception one other time, but that was because he was moving to my state in a week before our date. And a similar thing happened. People might say 10 exchanges is a little bit too stringent. And I understand that. But I never had my time wasted again and always had a date. You can make your time frame a little bit longer. But think about the amount of catfish, married people, people not that interested but looking for validation or attention/chat there are out there ... then think about the amount of people that would be really happy to talk to you and go on a date. also, you might be surprised when you stop talking and move on how fast they step up and ask for the date Edited February 22, 2021 by Shortskirtslonglashes 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted February 22, 2021 Share Posted February 22, 2021 I've mentionned like 3 times meeting outside. If l had to l'd meet at the grocery store if it's the only thing open. 1 1 Link to post Share on other sites
SaraSays Posted February 22, 2021 Share Posted February 22, 2021 Even a socially distanced meeting isn't safe, though, so the risk is just not worth it for a stranger, mindful this disease is killing people, and community spread must be taken seriously by all of us. It's exponentially safer right now, to use video calls to get to know someone a little, before taking such a risk. It also gives a person a bit more of an indication of whether there's momentum, and a reason to keep getting to know the other person. Text messages can be a fake indication of someone, and a fake indication of connection. Looking at someone's face, hearing them speak, feeling their energy, seeing a little of their home, or their workplace, or their walk, can give us much more of an indication of them, and it's safe, as far as COVID goes. @Emilyinroses it's worth having a think about how you feel about sticking to the rules regarding COVID and meeting-up with people, and chatting with him about that topic, to see how seriously he's approaching it. You can see from the above, that some posters are pretty laissez-faire about it, and others are very stringent. I am in the latter camp, and keep away from anyone (colleague, friend, stranger) who's lackadaisical about it. When noone's watching, I am disinfecting my hands, wearing a mask, wiping down surfaces, etc. Others don't care at all, and are carrying on as usual. Someone approached me in the street to chat me up recently, and I was backing away each time they came closer, so a big distance would be maintained between us. Some people would find that to be diligent and responsible, and others would find it off-putting and excessive. This would be a great conversation to have over video, so you can each see the other's natural reactions and hear in each other's voices how much it matters to consider. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Emilyinroses Posted February 22, 2021 Author Share Posted February 22, 2021 (edited) 2 hours ago, SaraSays said: Even a socially distanced meeting isn't safe, though, so the risk is just not worth it for a stranger, mindful this disease is killing people, and community spread must be taken seriously by all of us. It's exponentially safer right now, to use video calls to get to know someone a little, before taking such a risk. It also gives a person a bit more of an indication of whether there's momentum, and a reason to keep getting to know the other person. Text messages can be a fake indication of someone, and a fake indication of connection. Looking at someone's face, hearing them speak, feeling their energy, seeing a little of their home, or their workplace, or their walk, can give us much more of an indication of them, and it's safe, as far as COVID goes. @Emilyinroses it's worth having a think about how you feel about sticking to the rules regarding COVID and meeting-up with people, and chatting with him about that topic, to see how seriously he's approaching it. You can see from the above, that some posters are pretty laissez-faire about it, and others are very stringent. I am in the latter camp, and keep away from anyone (colleague, friend, stranger) who's lackadaisical about it. When noone's watching, I am disinfecting my hands, wearing a mask, wiping down surfaces, etc. Others don't care at all, and are carrying on as usual. Someone approached me in the street to chat me up recently, and I was backing away each time they came closer, so a big distance would be maintained between us. Some people would find that to be diligent and responsible, and others would find it off-putting and excessive. This would be a great conversation to have over video, so you can each see the other's natural reactions and hear in each other's voices how much it matters to consider. The thing here is that we live about 20 minutes car ride from each other. It’s not far in normal circumstances but right now in this lockdown is too far from home. If police stops us and asks where are we going and we don’t have a good reason (work, etc), we can end up with a big fine. So not worth the risk. If we lived walking distance then it would be different and we could meet now outside for a walk for example. So we cannot meet now and so I cannot judge him based on not asking me for a date. But... nothing stops him from saying he would like to meet once lockdown is over, something he didn’t mention so far. And no talking on the phone either. I asked him today how long he has been single and he said he had two serious relationships that ended long ago and then some short ones, last one ended 4 months ago. Edited February 22, 2021 by Emilyinroses Link to post Share on other sites
Author Emilyinroses Posted February 22, 2021 Author Share Posted February 22, 2021 (edited) 3 hours ago, Alpaca said: Text contact is too much, first thing in the morning, during the day, at night, every day discussing deep matters. It produces a false sense of familiarity. There's no need to talk that much with each other all the time, you're not in a relationship. Something to bear in mind. We are not discussing deep matters. It’s more things we have in common and enjoy, what are we doing during the day, some banter, etc. All light and fun only. But yes we do text a lot. I actually am enjoying it 🤷♀️ But until we meet in person I am not taking it seriously and am talking to other guys, one of them asked me today to talk on the phone and we just met 2 days ago. Edited February 22, 2021 by Emilyinroses 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Emilyinroses Posted February 22, 2021 Author Share Posted February 22, 2021 3 hours ago, SaraSays said: Did you look into the story of the couple I mentioned earlier on the thread? He'd have ticked all the good boxes, said all the right things, and he was seemingly a con-man who went as far as to pretend a wedding was scheduled. What value can you place in the words of a stranger so early on? You may not want a man who is x, y or z, but there's no way of knowing if the answer someone gives you at a moment in time is true, especially when you are both strangers with no trust established, and no depth to your connection. I assume someone is single in the early days, hence them approaching me. I'm hopeful about them, but I move slowly, and I try to regularly ask myself what's factual that I have seen or heard, and what's me filling in blanks with a story I am telling myself). "Stable" and "healthy" are very vague terms. What is the list of things you're looking for that we could measure? What would a man be doing day-in, day-out, in the early days, that would lead you to think he is a good partner for you? What would you be doing day-in, day-out, in the early days, that would, hopefully, lead him to think you are a good partner for him? That list only applies to in person interactions. After we meet the first time and there is interest, then I like a guy who stays in touch, who communicates openly, who is consistent, who shows respect, who wants to truly know who I am and shows who he is. Up until I meet someone in person I cannot tell any of this. Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted February 22, 2021 Share Posted February 22, 2021 17 minutes ago, Emilyinroses said: If police stops us and asks where are we going and we don’t have a good reason (work, etc), we can end up with a big fine. So not worth the risk. Ok, now it makes sense. I couldn't figure out why you couldn't meet for a walk. Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted February 22, 2021 Share Posted February 22, 2021 15 minutes ago, Emilyinroses said: one of them asked me today to talk on the phone and we just met 2 days ago. and? no report to us? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Emilyinroses Posted February 22, 2021 Author Share Posted February 22, 2021 2 minutes ago, Gaeta said: and? no report to us? No report because it was quite boring and I didn’t feel anything lol Link to post Share on other sites
Author Emilyinroses Posted February 25, 2021 Author Share Posted February 25, 2021 (edited) Hi guys! Just wanted to update you on this guy. So after my last post here we continued to text each other, and today he asked if we can talk on the phone. We had a really nice chat of nearly 2 hours! 🙂 And we only stopped because I had to go somewhere. It was really nice talking to him, conversation just flows and now I am really looking forward to meet him in person too! Edited February 25, 2021 by Emilyinroses 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted February 25, 2021 Share Posted February 25, 2021 Finally 😉 I am glad you had a good connection over the phone. When you think confinement will be lifted in your area and you can meet? Link to post Share on other sites
Miss Spider Posted February 25, 2021 Share Posted February 25, 2021 4 mo is not a long time unless his rship was really short. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Emilyinroses Posted February 25, 2021 Author Share Posted February 25, 2021 (edited) 10 minutes ago, Gaeta said: Finally 😉 I am glad you had a good connection over the phone. When you think confinement will be lifted in your area and you can meet? Yes we did, conversation was easy like we knew each other for ages. 🙂 They have said end of March, which is quite sad because we are still in February! My hope is that they will lessen the measures before that. Edited February 25, 2021 by Emilyinroses Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted February 25, 2021 Share Posted February 25, 2021 Until then video chat would be a good option. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Emilyinroses Posted February 25, 2021 Author Share Posted February 25, 2021 1 hour ago, Gaeta said: Until then video chat would be a good option. Yes want to do that too. Link to post Share on other sites
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