This guy is really nice but is he just slow?

[poppyfields]

2 hours ago, Gaeta said:

Here is the thing. Nature is done in a way that confident men and shy men have all what it takes to pursue the woman they desire. It's in their genetic and meant for our survival, in men it's called testosterone. Testosterone will have a man, even a shy one,  seek a woman, chase her, win her over. Studies have shown that if a woman gives a compliment to a man like 'You're very good at that', 'you look nice', 'you're smart', it will raise his level of testosterone therefore his desire to pursue her.

So, this man may be shy but the problem underneath is OP does not generate a raise of Testosterone in him, not enough for him to go in pursuit mode.

That is very interesting!  Does it have to be a compliment?  Could it also be how responsive she is to him, how enthusiastic?  

[redacted]

Edited February 21, 2021 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
redacted content does not address topic

[Gaeta]

28 minutes ago, mortensorchid said:

I agree with this as well.  I think this has been my major issue when dealing with guys, either in the OLD world or otherwise.  I am a very serious person, I do nothing halfway and I have a certain "attitude" about me that says "authority".  If the guy is so weak and passive that he can't even decide when / where to meet then ... He's a weak man.  And as a weak man, he will disappoint you.  I don't know if you are that type like me, but if he's like this then you should just move on. 

I've read a very  interesting article on male/female energy. I read a lot these days, post break-up duty. 

In short they were saying many women nowadays have male energy but by default, not by choice. Women often have to carry a lot on their shoulders on their own. Single parenting, full time job, starting to care for aging parents, she has to make all happen on her own and through that develops a more masculine energy. These women need to meet men with a very strong sense of masculinity to match them. Often strong women will attract weaker men and then they find themselves in a relationship with a man that doesn't take charge and awaits for her instructions, it's rarely a good match, with time she becomes his mother. 

I remember first year with my ex and it was time to change winter tires I went in my shed on my own, loaded my tires (with rims) into my car. When my ex arrived he was like wth ! I'm the man it's my job! It took me a while to go back into my feminine energy and let him be the man. I had been the woman & the man for 11 years before meeting him. 

OP, is heading down that road. Like @poppyfields said if she wants a man/man, a man with confidence, then she better pass on this one. 

[Emilie Jolie]

[redacted]

Emilyinroses, you deserve a guy who shows you he wants you.

If he's not on your timeline, find a guy who is. 

Edited February 21, 2021 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
off topic

[Alpacalia]

3 hours ago, Emilyinroses said:

Of course I am not, but I do like talking to him. We have a lot in common and is nice.

Well, then just let it ride out and get to know each other better at a pace you're both comfortable with.

For what it is worth, I chatted on messenger with someone for around a month, he gave me his phone number and said to call him "anytime, no pressure" and I did.

He is far from passive.

[Gaeta]

2 hours ago, Emilyinroses said:

Because I like it.

Have you found him on FB? 

[SaraSays]

I think I just don't see any reason to apply any of the thousands of theories about energy and effort at this stage. This is online dating. They have nothing more than text messages between them right now.

A meeting over video, and a meeting in-person are things which might provide a bit of insight, but truly not that much in isolation. I know of 5 couples who met in-person and went on 1 date. All decided to never see the other person again, due to not thinking there was any compatibility. However, they kept crossing paths, and came round to the idea of going on more dates. All are now in 10+ year relationships. 

Everything that has happened could be interpreted in multiple ways, and this man hasn't done anything that seems nasty or dismissive, so I wonder why posters above draw upon "you deserve...", "if he doesn't want to..." sorts of black and white phrases to guide our poster here.

What is the best that could happen to our poster, if she was to suggest a video call, and the worst?

[poppyfields]

24 minutes ago, Alpaca said:

For what it is worth, I chatted on messenger with someone for around a month, he gave me his phone number and said to call him "anytime, no pressure" and I did.

He is far from passive.

Yeah I'm rethinking the whole "guy gives me his number and asks me to call" approach.

If our energy is good and we're getting on well, I'd be open to it, perhaps even welcome it and call.

Whereas in the past, I viewed it differently.  A bit negatively.

Edited February 21, 2021 by poppyfields

[Alpacalia]

3 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

Yeah I'm rethinking the whole "guy gives me his number and asks me to call" approach.

If our energy is good and we're getting on well, I'd be open to it, perhaps even welcome it and call.

Whereas in the past, I viewed it differently.  A bit negatively.

Yes, it really all depends.

[Gaeta]

[redacted] I'm all for giving things a little push but the guy has to get a clue.

Edited February 21, 2021 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
removed content which does not address first post.

[Emilie Jolie]

26 minutes ago, SaraSays said:

Everything that has happened could be interpreted in multiple ways, and this man hasn't done anything that seems nasty or dismissive, so I wonder why posters above draw upon "you deserve...", "if he doesn't want to..." sorts of black and white phrases to guide our poster here.

While I agree with your overall post, I think it's ok to say we all deserve someone who shows clear, unambiguous, active interest. Without a clear sign of interest, how do we know how to approach the situation? 

 

 

 

[SaraSays]

I would say he is showing that, though, mindful your definition of that doesn't trump his, and you say he is regularly in contact and pleasant to you, and chatty. He has been open with details about himself and his life. Could you accept hiim as a separate person on equal terms, without applying what you'd do to him, or what you think to him? Could you look for good intentions in him, in the absence of anything substantive having happened to doubt him?

You only have text messages between you, and have been exchanging text messages for a tiny amount of time. The lockdown makes it impossible to safely meet in-person.

Anything beyond what he has thus far done would be fake to me - he'd be expressing sentiments he can't possibly have for you. A video call would give you more insight into how well you're both getting along, but each step is a baby step. I like  his approach this far, as I don't like being pushed into things, and my safety is everything to me. 

If any of the theries posters are ascribing meaning to were so powerful, we'd see that result in more successful relationships, but we don't. We see the opposite - fewer and fewer with each passing year, and increasing amounts of loneliness.

[Gaeta]

7 minutes ago, SaraSays said:

You only have text messages between you, and have been exchanging text messages for a tiny amount of time.

OP said he text her every day, ALL day. That in itself is a red-ish flag.  

[Emilie Jolie]

7 minutes ago, SaraSays said:

The lockdown makes it impossible to safely meet in-person.

Anything beyond what he has thus far done would be fake to me - he'd be expressing sentiments he can't possibly have for you. A video call would give you more insight into how well you're both getting along, but each step is a baby step. I like  his approach this far, as I don't like being pushed into things, and my safety is everything to me. 

You make a great point. Wholly agree with this. A video call to be set up once the actual meeting date is agreed upon as best as possible is ideal. I also agree on going slow and steady, baby steps by baby steps. 

The pandemic has thrown a wrench on many a budding romance, sadly.

[SaraSays]

13 hours ago, Emilyinroses said:

Well I asked him yesterday about exchanging numbers and talking out of the App and he said he was thinking the same and so we did and we are now talking on Whatsapp.

He messages me a lot during the day, so I don’t think he is married or attached, because he also told me where he works and lives, his last name, etc.

Maybe he is just slow!? I don’t know. I will continue chatting with him but talking to other guys too.

 

On 2/21/2021 at 12:44 AM, Emilyinroses said:

We cannot meet right now because we are on lockdown and although we do not live far, is still out of our zone range.

Anyway, I got fed up today and asked him if he wants to exchange phone numbers and talk outside the App, to see what he would say.

He said yes of course, that he thought asking me the same but wasn’t sure if I would like it.

So we exchanged numbers. Let’s see how it goes now.

They exchanged numbers on 21st Feb. Since then, they've both regularly exchanged text messages back and forth. Nothing to indicate a reason for concern on either's part. Our poster mentions he's chatty and open about his life.

Edited February 22, 2021 by SaraSays

[Gaeta]

41 minutes ago, SaraSays said:

 

They exchanged numbers on 21st Feb. Since then, they've both regularly exchanged text messages 

Not exactly that.

They made first contact 1 week ago and since then he messages her all day long - first from the dating app then yesterday they switch to whatsap.

Edited February 22, 2021 by Gaeta

[SaraSays]

@Emilie Jolie do you mind clarifying if the messages are bothering you in any way, and whether you are sending messages in equal measure? Do you mind clarifying if you've both been exchanging messages a lot since you exchanged numbers, or from first being in contact on the app? It'd likely also help to clear any fog, if you explained what "a lot" means for you, since everyone will define that differently.

[Gaeta]

On 2/20/2021 at 11:13 AM, Emilyinroses said:

I’ve met this guy only over a week ago and since we started chatting it has been non stop.

Then further down the 2nd page she says he messages her a lot during the day.

Edited February 22, 2021 by Gaeta

[Emilie Jolie]

22 minutes ago, SaraSays said:

@Emilie Jolie do you mind clarifying if the messages are bothering you in any way, and whether you are sending messages in equal measure? Do you mind clarifying if you've both been exchanging messages a lot since you exchanged numbers, or from first being in contact on the app? It'd likely also help to clear any fog, if you explained what "a lot" means for you, since everyone will define that differently.

I think you may have tagged the wrong poster. @Emilyinroses is the thread starter . Easy mistake to make.

[Gaeta]

7 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

Then further down the 2nd page she says he messages her a lot during the day.

That makes me think OP, does he message you in the evening?

[Emilyinroses]

7 hours ago, Gaeta said:

That makes me think OP, does he message you in the evening?

He messages me first thing in the morning to say good morning, has been really consistent in that. Then we message each other throughout the day, to share what we are doing, or talk about something in specific. Then yes we talk in the evening and say good night.

He has been really nice, no sex talk or innuendos at all. I feel comfortable through the texting.

But there’s something off and that’s why I came here.

I am now wondering if he is just bored because of the lockdown and wants attention and conversation with someone!? 

Because he works in a place that had to close until the end of the lockdown, so he is at home doing nothing at the moment.

I do have a very feminine energy, so I don’t think that’s the case.

Also, yesterday we were talking about a coffee shop we both know and like, and I told him how much I want to go there when lockdown is over and it opens again, and he said he feels the same, and nothing else!

I think that a guy who is interested would take the chance to say: ‘that would be a good place for us to meet after the lockdown’, or ‘do you want to go there together when is open again’?

But, he said nothing. And I felt weird.

So I am not going to suggest a video call or meeting or whatever. I’ll continue talking to him but as I said, talking to other guys too. 

I do like a man who shows interest and makes a move. I did that when I asked to exchange numbers and now the ball is in his court. No more moves from me.

Edited February 22, 2021 by Emilyinroses

[Emilyinroses]

The only thing I can do (and sooner rather then later), is to ask him what are his intentions. 

If he has the intention of meeting up with me once the lockdown is over or he doesn’t.

That is not making a move, is just asking him what he wants, so I know if I continue talking  to him or not.

And I can even tell him that I’m used to men being forward with their intentions and moves and with him I am confused.

So I know where I stand. I don’t like non stop texting without talking on the phone, on video or meeting up, because it gives you a false idea of the other person.

And, there’s also something that for me is also a yellow/red flag: he asked me NOTHING about my previous relationships. 

How long I have been single, what am I looking for, etc,etc. Nothing. I just realised I also do not know anything about him in that regard. If he is single, how long, etc. 

And I find it weird when a guy talks a lot about other stuff and nothing about that.

Edited February 22, 2021 by Emilyinroses

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, Emilyinroses said:

He messages me first thing in the morning to say good morning, has been really consistent in that. Then we message each other throughout the day, to share what we are doing, or talk about something in specific. Then yes we talk in the evening and say good night.

He has been really nice, no sex talk or innuendos at all. I feel comfortable through the texting.

But there’s something off and that’s why I came here.

I am now wondering if he is just bored because of the lockdown and wants attention and conversation with someone!? 

Because he works in a place that had to close until the end of the lockdown, so he is at home doing nothing at the moment.

I do have a very feminine energy, so I don’t think that’s the case.

Also, yesterday we were talking about a coffee shop we both know and like, and I told him how much I want to go there when lockdown is over and it opens again, and he said he feels the same, and nothing else!

I think that a guy who is interested would take the chance to say: ‘that would be a good place for us to meet after the lockdown’, or ‘do you want to go there together when is open again’?

But, he said nothing. And I felt weird.

So I am not going to suggest a video call or meeting or whatever. I’ll continue talking to him but as I said, talking to other guys too. 

I do like a man who shows interest and makes a move. I did that when I asked to exchange numbers and now the ball is in his court. No more moves from me.

Ok if you enjoy the texting, why worry? There's no possibly of meeting at the coffee shop or anywhere else right now.

It seems you want more,yet are quite happy with what already is.

It also seems like you have a dating manual you're trying to follow that it's supposed to "progress" from a to b to c  in x and y and z time-frames.

A lot of this is theory and posturing about "if a man does..." It means this or that.

You like the text chitchat all day. You encourage it and enjoy it. 

So the real beef is that he's doing what you are promoting and enjoying but according to dating gurus and books he's not doing it right?

Try to enjoy life more even in a time like this when dating/meeting is difficult.

Step out of your head and assess things for yourself rather than any interpretations from dating books and all this dating guru lingo.

[Gaeta]

How come you have not asked him how long he's been single? It's the very first thing l ask when l make contact. You have all this time talking so make it profitable, ask him about his dating history. Ask questions if he's vague.

Edited February 22, 2021 by Gaeta

[Calmandfocused]

Emily does this man have a job? 
 

I might be picking this up incorrectly but my sense is that he doesn’t. 
 

If he can’t be bothered to look for work, what makes you think he would be bothered to call you/FaceTime you and date you? 
 

I think he’s texting you day in day out because he’s bored. 
 

He doesn’t sound like much of a “go getter” to me. I can’t see him stepping up and asking you out. 
 

Start talking to men who seem excited about you and who actually have some drive to date. This one is not slow - he’s completely out of batteries. A dud! 
 

 

[Emilyinroses]

33 minutes ago, Calmandfocused said:

Emily does this man have a job? 
 

I might be picking this up incorrectly but my sense is that he doesn’t. 
 

If he can’t be bothered to look for work, what makes you think he would be bothered to call you/FaceTime you and date you? 
 

I think he’s texting you day in day out because he’s bored. 
 

He doesn’t sound like much of a “go getter” to me. I can’t see him stepping up and asking you out. 
 

Start talking to men who seem excited about you and who actually have some drive to date. This one is not slow - he’s completely out of batteries. A dud! 
 

 

We are on lockdown and he works at a place that is closed now until lockdown is over. So yes he has a job but is not working at the moment.

And yes he might be texting me all day because he is bored and wants someone to talk to and nothing else. I wonder if when he gets back to work he would pay me any attention the whole day!?