Shouldn't be dating if one can't afford it. a gentleman doesn't mind feeding a lady.

[Ellener]

1 hour ago, trident_2020 said:

Everyone knows that any man who nickel and dimes a woman on the first date should be subject to a thorough evaluation by a licensed mental health professional.

 

Man or woman. Also a man or woman who dates for food?!

Just put on your dating profile what you need and cut out the tiresome dating middle-ground altogether. 

 

 

[cleverusername]

3 minutes ago, stillafool said:

They do it too on gay sights.

Yeah, sorry I was being facetious lol 

[Alpacalia]

A cup of coffee and maybe a donut for a first date sounds like a great idea. Less pressure on both sides.

[poppyfields]

55 minutes ago, peach302 said:

Men get more benefits than women...and even more so if they don't pay for a thing

How so?  He's paying his share and his date is paying her share or if not her full share, something (like the wine or dessert or after dinner drinks). 

Point is, they are both contributing being that they are both enjoying the experience of sharing a meal together.   If they both decide to become sexually intimate, they are both enjoying that experience as well.

I think that's the argument, not that the woman should pay for him as well as herself, which I suppose is what many women expect men to do, so what's good for the goose and all that jazz. 

Or once they begin regularly dating, they might decide to take turns paying.

I can sort of feel myself changing my mindset about this now, par for the course with all the other changes currently happening in my life. 😂

Edited January 22, 2021 by poppyfields

[peach302]

13 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

How so?  He's paying his share and his date is paying her share or if not her full share, something (like the wine or dessert or after dinner drinks). 

Point is, they are both contributing being that they are both enjoying the experience of sharing a meal together.   If they both decide to become sexually intimate, they are both enjoying that experience as well.

I think that's the argument, not that the woman should pay for him as well as herself, which I suppose is what many women expect men to do, so what's good for the goose and all that jazz. 

Or once they begin regularly dating, they might decide to take turns paying.

I can sort of feel myself changing my mindset about this now, par for the course with all the other changes currently happening in my life. 😂

I see your perspective. But  i just find it odd when i meet a guy for the first time and he's  sitting there hesitating and debating about whether he should pay and actually stating i should contribute.

Its happened before and i found it rude.

Georgia peach caught on to something when she said earlier its  a lack of manners and there's more likely than not something off about the guys personality. Which with the man in reference  i found to be true.  

Edited January 22, 2021 by peach302

[basil67]

When I was dating hubby, he earned a lot more than me and would pay for the meal most of the time.   But I would buy the bottle of wine or the cocktails or pay the parking bill.  If we went somewhere else for dessert, I'd buy that.    Sometimes I'd treat him to a whole meal.  

There's been a lot of talk of manners here and I feel that a woman who doesn't offer any financial contribution (and who doesn't view him badly if he accepts) exhibits a high degree of entitlement.   So, very poor manners on her part. 

Edited January 22, 2021 by basil67

[poppyfields]

6 hours ago, peach302 said:

I agree with this. It shows basic manners .

But when hes hesitant about paying its or looking at me to foot the bill its an instant turn off. As opposed to let me get this and taking charge. 

What if he said "I'll get this, I'll let you get it next time."

That's taking charge too, right? 😆

[peach302]

3 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

What if he said "I'll get this, I'll let you get it next time."

That's taking charge too, right? 😆

LOL yeah. I'm totally fine with that...

I have paid before for me and the man ..not like im a hypocrite. 😂. Just the first time i would like to be impressed..And that's one way of doing so. 

[Woggle]

Truth be told when I was dating my wife I never had an issue spending on her because I knew she was the ones and she knew how to inspire that instinct. Some women have lost that ability to naturally inspire a man's romantic instinct. Telling a man that his gender is trash and you don't need them is not a good way to do that.

The toxic us vs them climate between the genders has taken it's toll. I hear a lot of women say that after reading so many PUA and incel forums they can't look at men the same way either.

[neowulf]

16 hours ago, GeorgiaPeach1 said:

Again, this is the get something for nothing mindset. I guess having the woman pay and still taking her home seems like a double win to some men.

I wouldn't expect to take a women home on the first date... Women aren't obligated to go home with a man on the first date, no matter how good a time they had?

[dramafreezone]

On 1/21/2021 at 9:34 AM, GeorgiaPeach1 said:

How long is a while?

If I've known the person for several months (such as knowing them from work) and already know that we gel well together and we have good conversation.  The dinner is essentially no risk at that point.

Mainly drinks allow you to cut the date short if there's just no chemistry at all.  Can't do that as easily with dinner.  Drinks weed out gold diggers as well.

Edited January 23, 2021 by dramafreezone

[chillii]

23 hours ago, Woggle said:

Truth be told when I was dating my wife I never had an issue spending on her because I knew she was the ones and she knew how to inspire that instinct. Some women have lost that ability to naturally inspire a man's romantic instinct. Telling a man that his gender is trash and you don't need them is not a good way to do that.

The toxic us vs them climate between the genders has taken it's toll. I hear a lot of women say that after reading so many PUA and incel forums they can't look at men the same way either.

 

Yep, exactly right stuff like this is so damn true, that stuff's reserved for real women. But so many of the general have just made their own bed and these days and the consequences, they just can't put the 2 and 2 and double standards together . On one hand they're telling the world they don't need a man for anything ,don't need this that or other,  they earn this and they can do that,  and happily braggingly run men into the dirt on any grandstand opportunity they get. But turn around complaining about stuff like this and there's no chivalry any more , they aren't treated like a lady and ra ra ra , well many don't even know how to be a lady anymore. All this stuff and the attitudes is all over this forum or any forum , all over the internet , tv , any reading , it's everywhere.

l don't blame all these guys they complain about . He's hearing all this stuff everyday for a decade or two now, he's probably met 100s just like them and won't waste effort or money on her but he's just treated her the way they're all out there bragging about and so deserve and basically ask for anyway.  Same with all the ghosting stuff , non committing, sleeping with her then disappearing , all of it. Women do all that too , and they don't even need a man anyway, remember , so wth should he care. Women media have basically spent the last decade or two now training men to treat them like this, even with the divorce rate and treatment.

 

 

 

 

Edited January 24, 2021 by chillii

[mark clemson]

On 1/22/2021 at 10:18 AM, cleverusername said:

 a celebrity making thousands of dollars and hour.

That awkward moment when you realize you recognize her from Pornhub...

[Fletch Lives]

Coffee dates do not make a man cheap, only a bad girl golddigger would say that. Taking her to McDonalds would be cheap. 

The only people who complain about coffee dates are the golddiggers. They hate them! It's a great way to weed out the bad girls.

Guys, there is no need to spend money on strangers. Do the expensive dates after a woman falls in love with you. 

Yes, women are expensive, but first meets and the first two months should not be. You are not running a charity here!

[d0nnivain]

1 hour ago, Fletch Lives said:

The only people who complain about coffee dates are the golddiggers. They hate them! It's a great way to weed out the bad girls.

I complained about coffee dates but I don't like coffee, not even the smell.  I'd actually rather go to McDonalds.  He could have a coffee; I could have a soda or milkshake.   I suppose Starbucks & Dunkin Donuts don't smell that bad & both do serve more than coffee.   🙂  I know what you are saying is that in the beginning there should be a quick, cheap, safe place to meet.  Coffee has become the generic term for that style of meeting.

Again, people need to distinguish between a date  & a 1st meeting off OLD.  They are different things. 

I say it every time the subject of paying for early dates comes up:  the person who did the asking pays.  The date should be something the asker can readily afford.  The askee should nevertheless have enough money to pay for the whole date just in case & have the ability to get to the date & home from it under their own steam / costs.  It's a matter of safety. 

Maybe I'm just lucky but every 1st date I have ever been on the man offered to pay.  [ I paid the whole check on my 1st OLD date because I wanted to get the heck outta there & it was faster.  I also wanted to show that I was in no way beholden to the guy.  ]  When the gentleman paid, I always offered to leave the tip (I brought lots of small bills to every first date so I could leave the tip without making the server run 2 cards).  No matter what, I always made sure to pay for the 3rd date.   After that, I never felt like money got between us. 

[cleverusername]

1 hour ago, d0nnivain said:

Again, people need to distinguish between a date  & a 1st meeting off OLD.  They are different things. 

Can you elaborate on this difference and how the paying/ cost part plays into it for me? Curious to hear your opinion. 

[d0nnivain]

27 minutes ago, cleverusername said:

Can you elaborate on this difference and how the paying/ cost part plays into it for me? Curious to hear your opinion. 

A 1st meeting off OLD is just that a short quick, how do you do?  It is a way to eye ball each other & find out if it's worth going on a date.  It's closer to an interview (but I loathe to use that word).   To me it takes the place of the initial encounter / chat you would have had if you met in person -- you know that conversation at a bar or party, while volunteering, in class or at work.   I think that ought to be Dutch treat. 

Understand, I only ever had 2 dates off OLD in my life. Both were dinner & both times the man offered to pay. Both were disasters.  As I said above I paid the 1st time because the man was soooooo awful I just wanted to get the heck out of there.   The 2nd one I was really trying.  He was a nice person, kind & well educated but I just wasn't interested.  I didn't find him attractive but had been trying to convince myself that I needed to give him a chance because looks weren't everything.  I couldn't do it.  I always knew I needed that initial spark or it wouldn't work & these 2 dates proved to me that I was right.  I did offer to split the check & I left a big tip.  I felt bad but I knew I didn't to go on a date with him.

I came up with this distinction between "meets" & "dates" through my bad experiences  & what I read here on LS. 

A date should be slow paced, a place to talk quietly where the conversation flows & be somewhat romantic either through location (candle light restaurant) or holding hands on a walk. 

I'm happily married & OLD never worked for me.  I can't even shop on line.  Covid forced me to learn to use shopping apps but I still hate it.  I should have known better that I could not successfully date on line.  Hey, I tried it because "everyone" said "you have to".  It wasn't for me.

I really don't understand making any sort of emotional investment before that 1st date, let alone before the 1st meet.  What always resonated with me was the caution by the platform that one should not spend a great deal of money on the 1st meet or you'd go broke.  That 1st meet is akin to buying somebody a drink in a bar . . . low investment, low commitment & no skin off anybody's nose if it doesn't go further.   But I'm very cautious & don't give my heart away easily. . . I need more than a month to start to trust & get comfy. 

Do not hold me out as a good example of how to date on OLD.  I never had problems meeting men IRL.  I hated OLD.  It was depressing & I felt like I got rejected multiple times per day. 

Edited January 24, 2021 by d0nnivain

[peach302]

3 hours ago, Fletch Lives said:

Coffee dates do not make a man cheap, only a bad girl golddigger would say that. Taking her to McDonalds would be cheap. 

The only people who complain about coffee dates are the golddiggers. They hate them! It's a great way to weed out the bad girls.

Guys, there is no need to spend money on strangers. Do the expensive dates after a woman falls in love with you. 

Yes, women are expensive, but first meets and the first two months should not be. You are not running a charity here!

Im not a gold digger and i hate coffee..i always have to try and figure out wth to get..And its awkward saying i dont like or drink coffee everytime.

I think people need to be more inventive in general 

Edited January 24, 2021 by peach302

[d0nnivain]

5 minutes ago, peach302 said:

Im not a gold digger and i hate coffee..i always have to try and figure out wth to get..And its awkward saying i dont like or drink coffee everytime.

I think people need to be more inventive in general 

But don't write somebody off for not being a creative 1st dater, especially in Covid.  Most coffee shops sell tea & bottled water.  Just get that. 

I don't drink when I drive so even when somebody asks me to meet in a bar I go & order ginger ale. water, fruit juice or tea.  There is no need to get some new person involved in your issues. (believe me I have a lot of issues)

[peach302]

5 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

But don't write somebody off for not being a creative 1st dater, especially in Covid.  Most coffee shops sell tea & bottled water.  Just get that. 

I don't drink when I drive so even when somebody asks me to meet in a bar I go & order ginger ale. water, fruit juice or tea.  There is no need to get some new person involved in your issues. (believe me I have a lot of issues)

😂😂 yeah i usually am easy going enough to order juice or water or a frappe or something.

It does get annoying though sometimes lol. Not that I'll  write someone off because of it

I think most guys suggest it because its cheap and quick. If they don't  like you..there can be a quick escape.

But i  always appreciate the ones who suggest something other than boring coffee 

Edited January 24, 2021 by peach302

[understand50]

As someone out side the dating pool, and long termed married, I am so glad I do not have  to date today.  I do not think I would be able to figure out the rules.  This is why, I am commenting.  Give yourselves a brake.  Dating is much harder today, then in the day.  Least I think so, from here and looking and listening  to my single friends.  In my day, my then girlfriend, now wife, who paid depended on who had the cash, and also what we wanted to do.  Usually  make out, or later fool around, so cheap.  Our first date was going to a movie.   In many ways, innocent then if we had been older and dating.  

Just my thought, but a first date should be a information gathering thing.  Do something, that has much talking and less doing, as you are trying to find out if you want to continue to pursue a relationship.  Whatever that is. If you are in a rural area, into hunting or fishing, take them fishing, go shooting.   In the city, how about a museum?  Book store, walk along someplace, (river, beach, downtown shoppes). Hey, how about a carnival, or fair?  Ice skating?   As for who pays.  Make that known when starting.  I think as a general rule, and I use this in my business relationships, both men and women, who ever invited, should pay, at least the entrance fee.  After, how that question lands, will tell you something about who you are dating, and is that not what you are looking for? 

Not every first meeting is going to turn into something, and you should be prepared for that.  In fact most first meeting are going to be duds. Accept that, and when the good one(s) comes, you will value it more.

Just my thoughts and good luck.....

 

 

[cleverusername]

2 hours ago, d0nnivain said:

A 1st meeting off OLD is just that a short quick, how do you do?  It is a way to eye ball each other & find out if it's worth going on a date.  It's closer to an interview (but I loathe to use that word).   To me it takes the place of the initial encounter / chat you would have had if you met in person -- you know that conversation at a bar or party, while volunteering, in class or at work.   I think that ought to be Dutch treat. 

Understand, I only ever had 2 dates off OLD in my life. Both were dinner & both times the man offered to pay. Both were disasters.  As I said above I paid the 1st time because the man was soooooo awful I just wanted to get the heck out of there.   The 2nd one I was really trying.  He was a nice person, kind & well educated but I just wasn't interested.  I didn't find him attractive but had been trying to convince myself that I needed to give him a chance because looks weren't everything.  I couldn't do it.  I always knew I needed that initial spark or it wouldn't work & these 2 dates proved to me that I was right.  I did offer to split the check & I left a big tip.  I felt bad but I knew I didn't to go on a date with him.

I came up with this distinction between "meets" & "dates" through my bad experiences  & what I read here on LS. 

A date should be slow paced, a place to talk quietly where the conversation flows & be somewhat romantic either through location (candle light restaurant) or holding hands on a walk. 

I'm happily married & OLD never worked for me.  I can't even shop on line.  Covid forced me to learn to use shopping apps but I still hate it.  I should have known better that I could not successfully date on line.  Hey, I tried it because "everyone" said "you have to".  It wasn't for me.

I really don't understand making any sort of emotional investment before that 1st date, let alone before the 1st meet.  What always resonated with me was the caution by the platform that one should not spend a great deal of money on the 1st meet or you'd go broke.  That 1st meet is akin to buying somebody a drink in a bar . . . low investment, low commitment & no skin off anybody's nose if it doesn't go further.   But I'm very cautious & don't give my heart away easily. . . I need more than a month to start to trust & get comfy. 

Do not hold me out as a good example of how to date on OLD.  I never had problems meeting men IRL.  I hated OLD.  It was depressing & I felt like I got rejected multiple times per day. 

That was interesting to read, thanks for sharing that  

[SumGuy]

4 hours ago, cleverusername said:

Can you elaborate on this difference and how the paying/ cost part plays into it for me? Curious to hear your opinion. 

Know not directed at me but have the same view, the first time you meet in person from OLD is really a meet, not so much a date.

Personally I do no care about the cost, as in anything I propose (or she has proposed in those few instances) has been well within my means.   

I've been on dozens of first meets from OLD, all before COVID though so factor that in.   I always suggest meeting for drinks, though have agreed to the coffee meet or walk.  In all the cases of the last two types, just never got the impression she was all that interested in me...stand offish.  Which I guess is fine, some people still agree to meet but go in thinking it is unlikely or to put you through a job interview...whatever.

As to meeting for drinks, it provides great flexibility, if one chooses a place with food and drink; where I live many brew pubs, wine bars, some restaurants have such a set up.    If it doesn't go well after a drink either person can make a face saving excuse and leave graciously.   If paying for her one drink breaks your budget can't really help someone with that.   

If it goes well you can have another drink and order some food.   Personally I often ended up ordering food anyway as just hungry, and if she offers to share something with you that's a good sign.

I generally will not propose a restaurant until the third date, but maybe on the second if she blew my mind the first date.  So the first date is more a meet to see if what attracted you to each other on-line carries over in-person, the second date is to make sure it is not a fluke or if it was so-so the first date to give it a chance.  For me the third date only happens if we can't seem to get enough of getting to know each other, and at that point on will only exclusively date her to give it a chance.

None of this is about money, but more pacing the depth of commitment to the outing.  Not so much for me as I can suffer through a lot, but for her.  A meet for drinks allows an easy out especially when you are basically strangers.

[poppyfields]

How about it's a meet, and if you click, can turn into a date?

Happened to me. 

Edited January 24, 2021 by poppyfields

[neowulf]

15 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

How about it's a meet, and if you click, can turn into a date?

Happened to me. 

This is the attitude I've taken with every first meeting in OLD.

Until you've physically met in person, nothing else really matters.  They make have an amazing photo, laugh at all your jokes and talk for hours on the phone with you.

But once you get in the same room, nature is going to take its course.  There's very little you can do to affect that outcome.  You're either going to click or you won't.

I shake my head at people who throw crazy amounts of money and expectation into their first meeting.   You are strangers.  Treat it more like a job interview or a networking event than something romantic.  If there's chemistry there, give it the room to breath.