Wiseman2 Posted January 2, 2021 Share Posted January 2, 2021 Ok, this is why for your own peace of mind, it's best to delete and block him and all his people from ALL your social media and messaging apps. This way you can focus on people in your life who add meaning and purpose. People who are vexating, flaky or generate distress are people you need to reconsider having in your life. Take this time to reflect. Go through your social media and clear out the dead weight. Reset your privacy settings so that only people who you know and trust can view your content or message you. You're in control of whatever positivity or negativity you allow into your life, phone and consciousness . 2 Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted January 2, 2021 Share Posted January 2, 2021 You have to stop this, OP. This guy is not interested in you as anything more than a time-filler at this point. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Runninggirl Posted January 2, 2021 Author Share Posted January 2, 2021 I just can't seem to find anyone who I find nearly as attractive as a partner. Also Im just so angry at him for leaving me when things were good because of his initial regret, and now it seems like he just moved on anyway. And I can't find peace because I have so much regret for things I wish Id done differently. I just have no idea how to move on, because every time Ive tried to I just realize he was the best I ever had. There was a time where the initiative and interest was mutual. I just feel so heartbroken all the time, and when we haven't spoken for months - even one time where it was 6 months with absolutely no contact where I never thought I would ever see him again I didn't feel any better Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted January 2, 2021 Share Posted January 2, 2021 10 minutes ago, Runninggirl said: I just can't seem to find anyone who I find nearly as attractive as a partner. Also Im just so angry at him for leaving me when things were good because of his initial regret, and now it seems like he just moved on anyway. And I can't find peace because I have so much regret for things I wish Id done differently. I just have no idea how to move on, because every time Ive tried to I just realize he was the best I ever had. There was a time where the initiative and interest was mutual. This guy is the best you've ever had? Oh dear. Runninggirl,, there is much better out there. You do know how to move on, you just don't want to: block this guy. For good. Not for 6 months. For good. You are addicted to him and there's just no other way to break your unhealthy attachement and self-destructive behaviour. You might find him attractive as a partner, but girl, he clearly doesn't feel that way about you or he'd have already made you his girlfriend. None of this on-off BS, flirting or sleeping with you when it suits him and then bouncing when another girl catches his eye. There was a time when the interest was mutual - was. That's not the case anymore. You are going to get your heart ripped out of your chest when he one day disappears forever because he's got a new girlfriend and doesn't need your attention anymore. There will come a time when he doesn't come looking for you again because he's found The One. Do you really want to hang around for that? With all due respect, you need to get a grip on yourself. There is being attached, and there is being obsessive. You're sliding towards the latter. 3 1 Link to post Share on other sites
chillii Posted January 3, 2021 Share Posted January 3, 2021 Seems as the most you seem to say about him was just that you won't find anyone else as attractive , and is that how it was the best you'd ever had too - just bc of how attracted you were. Ahhh, that's nothing to do with love as such or any "real" , relationship. That's just the shallow window dressing so if that is the case then don't worry , there'll be someone new , in time. Tbh it all sounded like you were also a bit of a miss match and he was all over the shop anyway which also points again to just no real depth or substance between you. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Runninggirl Posted January 5, 2021 Author Share Posted January 5, 2021 @chillii Im sorry english is not my native language. When I say attractive I mean having a bundle of characteristics that I value, not about looks. Like I mean I feel like he's the "whole package" when things are good. Ive never felt any connection before with the depth that this one had. Felt like we were a real match, and I never felt like that with anyone else before. Always felt like there was something "off" about them, regardless of how good they were "on paper", nice, funny, interested and interesting etc. Never felt a spark and chemistry like this before Unfortunately I never heard from him again. He has not initiated anything since NYE with that lame snapchat, and has not replied to me since jan 1st. My last attempt was on jan 3rd, after that I went no contact. Im afraid this time it's final. My hope is that we will meet in real life and that he will want contact, so I can confront him and hopefully get some answers so I can get some peace. Right now I just feel dumped and disrespected, and I would feel much better if he told me the real reasons. Im sure he has his reasons, but right now he just comes off as an a**h***, but that's probably just my hurt feelings. I noticed after NYE he shut down, withdrew and has stayed inside alone all day, he's not as frequent on social media. Perhaps a bit depressed. I hope this works to my advantage, and that when he comes out for air, perhaps restrictions are less nostalgia will hit him. I really need to know what these past three months was for him, considering he came on strong again over christmas only to suddenly ghost me. What was the point of talking to me every single day, if he doesn't really care. Also I want an apology, so I can forgive him and move on. Thanks for all the kind words, and that you read. Just writing helps a lot ❤️ Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted January 5, 2021 Share Posted January 5, 2021 2 hours ago, Runninggirl said: I noticed after NYE he shut down, withdrew and has stayed inside alone all day, he's not as frequent on social media. Perhaps a bit depressed. How do you know this? Who's to say he hasn't got someone keeping him company and taking up his time? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
lovesflame Posted January 6, 2021 Share Posted January 6, 2021 On 12/16/2020 at 4:48 AM, Runninggirl said: - Try and keep in touch a build connection. He could get in a better mood over the holidays, its only been three days since he was sweet over text. - Be supersweet, take initiative and try really hard before I go no contact, so he actually feels the void. Not just like this where it fizzles out. What do you think? I am sorry you are going through this but I really hate to say you are doing this to yourself. His behavior sounds like a 22 year old wanna-be player not a 26 yr old man. Also, why is it up to YOU to build a connection? why is he not invovled? Actually I have some questions for you: What are his dreams? What was his mother like growing up? When is a time he held you when you were crying because of something in your life? Does he know what you wanted to be growing up? If you can't answer any of these questions, I am sad to say there was never anything deep to connect on anyways. Most of your examples are non-verbal and him looking at you. Sounds fun sounds flirty, sounds even sensual but very far from real connection. maybe he is attractive or affectionate but ask yourself is he really offering anything to you on a deeper level? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Runninggirl Posted January 10, 2021 Author Share Posted January 10, 2021 On 1/5/2021 at 8:54 PM, ExpatInItaly said: How do you know this? Who's to say he hasn't got someone keeping him company and taking up his time? Because he's enabled snap map for me, Im also friends with him on this gamer profile thing, so I know when he's on the computer because I can see when he is online, which he wouldn't be if he had visitors. He just at home gaming all day, would almost think he's depressed. On 1/6/2021 at 10:41 PM, lovesflame said: I am sorry you are going through this but I really hate to say you are doing this to yourself. His behavior sounds like a 22 year old wanna-be player not a 26 yr old man. Also, why is it up to YOU to build a connection? why is he not invovled? Actually I have some questions for you: What are his dreams? What was his mother like growing up? When is a time he held you when you were crying because of something in your life? Does he know what you wanted to be growing up? If you can't answer any of these questions, I am sad to say there was never anything deep to connect on anyways. Most of your examples are non-verbal and him looking at you. Sounds fun sounds flirty, sounds even sensual but very far from real connection. maybe he is attractive or affectionate but ask yourself is he really offering anything to you on a deeper level? I know his dreams, his mother, he used to tell me about his childhood, how he changed in middle school and high school, about his relationship with his friends etc. He has never seen me cry. I haven't told him enough about me or been open enough. Its been a week into no contact again now. Ive tried going for walks, getting new hobbies, watch documentaries, but its been hard and felt like a very long week. I know the beginning is the worst, it will get easier to live life after a while. Its hard not to reach out, because I miss him, but I know its better to be in no contact if we're not in good contact. My hope is that no contact will get him to respect me more again, and if we ever meet and he tries to connect, I can confront him about his behavior to get some peace. Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted January 10, 2021 Share Posted January 10, 2021 39 minutes ago, Runninggirl said: Because he's enabled snap map for me, Im also friends with him on this gamer profile thing, so I know when he's on the computer because I can see when he is online, which he wouldn't be if he had visitors. He just at home gaming all day, would almost think he's depressed. Its been a week into no contact again now. I realize what you mean by No Contact, but that really should also include his snap map and being friends on games as well. It's only fueling your unhealthy attachment to him and causing you to manufacture theories about his mental health and why he isn't leaving the house. The truth is that you have no clue about any of that. Until you cut off all possible points of reference to him, this will continue to hurt you. No Contact isn't meant to get him to respect you. It's meant to help you move on. 2 1 Link to post Share on other sites
JRabbit Posted January 11, 2021 Share Posted January 11, 2021 22 hours ago, Runninggirl said: Because he's enabled snap map for me, Im also friends with him on this gamer profile thing, so I know when he's on the computer because I can see when he is online, which he wouldn't be if he had visitors. He just at home gaming all day, would almost think he's depressed. Stalking his online presence is beyond creepy and incredibly unhealthy. For your own sake, please stop checking his status everywhere. He is out living his life and you are at home monitoring his every move. You are becoming obsessed and need to focus on yourself and your hobbies. Not making timelines of what texts he sent at what time and when they were replied to and analyzing every word. In regards to your text conversation you posted earlier. If you are not in a relationship with someone, its a bit much to text them something, get a reply then scold them for what the reply was, or insinuate their reply wasn't good enough. I'm sure that is what brought on the reply from him that he doesn't do "charity". Anyone trying to tell me how to talk or reply in texts gets ignored. It is a huge red flag. He was annoyed and I don't blame the guy. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Runninggirl Posted January 14, 2021 Author Share Posted January 14, 2021 Its hard not to look when its available, sort of a "fix". I quit all my social media so I couldn't check if he look at it, because I know he will, and it will give me that "high". I try to fill every day with some sort of important activity, or something that feels useful. Today I went for a 10km run for the first time since covid. It felt bittersweet, I just feel incredibly lonely doing these activities alone now although I would always do this alone. At the same time I have a strange feeling of excitement of what's to come, its just often overshadowed by my everyday fear of the day he moves on with someone else. Part of why I monitor him is that Im dead afraid to get a new relationship smacked in my face with no warning, Im looking for signs if there's anyone else in the picture so that I can deal with it as it comes along. I miss him greatly, and I often think about our good times. I have mixed feelings about him not feeling good (although its just a hunch), part of me is more relaxed if he's not super happy and enjoying life, and part of me is so sad that he might not be happy with his life because deep down I wish good things for him regardless of whether he wants me or not. I know a lot of people will say delete and block him for my own sake, but its simply not an option. We share a lot of friends, will run into each other again someday, he was a big part of my life and I have loved him more than any other person in my life, and also I don't want to come off as petty, and I don't want to ruin a possible future reconciliation by showing him that Im doing THAT bad. But Im working on accepting that things are out of my control, and that I can't hope for a reconciliation, and to one day wake up and feel ready to actively move on. But right now Im not there yet. The only thing I feel that I can really HOPE for is that we meet in the nearest future and that I can get some answers - Im not expecting to hear something I want to hear - just for my peace of mind. All my unanswered questions about especially the initial break up keeps me from moving on, because my brain is trying to "make the story" which Ive read is a natural and healthy part of grieving the relationship, and important to move on. I don't believe in some meeting will result in immediate closure, but that it will help the process for me. Im trying to start with some new hobbies to fill my time these days, and Im glad that we're approaching better time both seasonal and with covid. Trying to stay positive, and focus on that no contact is the best option, because he was very much in love with me at a time, and I would rather be remembered for being that girl he once was in love with, rather than the girl who wouldn't leave him alone. Link to post Share on other sites
Negotaurus Posted January 18, 2021 Share Posted January 18, 2021 (edited) You remind me of me and my ex when we were younger. But we were 17-18 when this kind of nonsense was taking place. Dear, I will be harsh because sugarcoating this would honestly be cruel. He does not truly care about you, love you, nor think about you nearly as much as you think about him. He is not analysing every text message, he is simply texting you when he is bored. He likes having you confused and pining for him, he's cocky and insecure at the same time. He loves the attention but forgets about it 5 seconds later. You are wasting your time and energy on a guy you will one day feel embarrassment for. You will one day think back and wonder why you let somebody walk over you like this. Hell, he's DANCING on top of you. If you fail to admit this to yourself, then you will do it the hard way - you will continue being and acting desperate for him, you will continue torturing yourself, till you fall so low that you can't go any further down. That's a terrible place to be. Do you really want to waste more time on this dead-end of a situationship to end up at rock bottom, or do you want to take back YOUR control and find a man actually worthy of your time? The "characteristics" you are so in love with are not real. They are made up in your own mind, they're something you falsely believe in for your own sake. Think hard about what you want. Delete and block him. Stop keeping the door open, doesn't matter if you have the same friends. This will not go anywhere, no matter what you do. Edited January 18, 2021 by Negotaurus Link to post Share on other sites
Author Runninggirl Posted January 22, 2021 Author Share Posted January 22, 2021 So after two weeks he started giving me signals he was depressed and regretted his decision, he was also pretty offline, but I remained in no contact and was very proud of myself not to respond to his low investment reach outs. When I didn't respond, two days later he started following this new girl obviously from tinder, way younger than us, and was suddenly SO active on socials, on snapchat 24/7, clearly talking to her. Two more days then it was another one. Clearly him missing me didn't last for more than a few days. Ive been trying to be strong not to look how active he is on snapchat, its been really hard. Has made day by day plans with things to do to keep me occupied. Whatever happens between him and someone else is out of my hands, but it drove my anxiety through the roof thinking he seems to be so desperate to find someone new. The girls were way younger, and dont really him like his type (majority of his exes including me are a bit alike). Im trying NOT to panic, and telling myself that if we ever had anything real then Im not so easy to replace. Believe in myself, believe that Im not just anyone, and that I have qualities he won't be able to find in anyone. And also its still lockdown so hard to date anyone new, and he will probably get tired of just talking to them anyway. Trying to stay strong in my new no contact. Emotional rollercoaster, but sometimes I feel good. I dont feel as bad as round 1 before he contacted me last time. Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted January 23, 2021 Share Posted January 23, 2021 OP, he doesn't miss you. I'm sorry to be blunt, but you need to stop deluding yourself here. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Runninggirl Posted January 25, 2021 Author Share Posted January 25, 2021 Just having some really time with no contact, trying to keep busy, watch tv series and dive into extra work. I was looking for new music when I suddenly noticed my only follower on my playlist was gone. This was my ex. Must have happened within the past two days. He didn't do that when we initially broke up and didn't speak for months, so I didn't expect him to do this so soon. Hurt my feelings, because I feel like its just him being way over it. I hadn't added anything to my list in a month. Strange he didn't unfollow my user just my playlist. Its been a hard day, and I hope its alright that I use my thread to vent a bit. I dont really have anyone to talk to about it in real life. Tomorrow Im gonna ask a friend if I can maybe walk her dog, this upcoming week in complete lockdown will be very hard being all alone here with little to do and everything is closed. I hope next sunday I will feel brighter! Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted January 25, 2021 Share Posted January 25, 2021 10 hours ago, Runninggirl said: Tomorrow Im gonna ask a friend if I can maybe walk her dog, this upcoming week in complete lockdown will be very hard being all alone here with little to do and everything is closed. I hope next sunday I will feel brighter! This is a great idea. Keep a list of little, lockdown-friendly things you can do each day. It will give you small activities to stay busy and not dwell so much. Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted January 25, 2021 Share Posted January 25, 2021 Run, runninggirl, run 👟👟 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Runninggirl Posted January 28, 2021 Author Share Posted January 28, 2021 Past few days has been better, but yesterday and today really hard. Having a bit anxiety for the weekend, because I have no plans. I had but they cancelled and I don't have much to do. Will probably go to work and try to spend some hours there. Feel like every day moves so slow. I can't keep myself from stalking his social media, keeping track of how active he is, its like an addiction. Because Im so terrified that he seems so happy when Im so miserable, and Im afraid he's falling in love with someone else. I try to tell myself that I was really nice to him and he probably just miss having someone, and the chances of him meeting the love of his life just after we broke up is slim. You dont connect with anyone, and she is probably just attention, he is bored and lonely because of corona, and she's an easy rebound. But Im afraid it will turn into more. Trying to hang in there. I really wish corona will end soon, because it makes it all so much harder Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted January 29, 2021 Share Posted January 29, 2021 (edited) 8 hours ago, Runninggirl said: Because Im so terrified that he seems so happy when Im so miserable, and Im afraid he's falling in love with someone else. I try to tell myself that I was really nice to him and he probably just miss having someone, and the chances of him meeting the love of his life just after we broke up is slim. You dont connect with anyone, and she is probably just attention, he is bored and lonely because of corona, and she's an easy rebound. But Im afraid it will turn into more. Don't be afraid. This might feel overwhelming just at the moment, but REALITY is there are MANY other fish in the sea, and there will be others for you. My suggestion would be to accept the break up, process it, and as soon as reasonably possible move on to someone who will love you the way you deserve instead of bailing on you. Edited January 29, 2021 by mark clemson Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted January 30, 2021 Share Posted January 30, 2021 On 1/28/2021 at 7:05 PM, Runninggirl said: I try to tell myself that I was really nice to him and he probably just miss having someone, and the chances of him meeting the love of his life just after we broke up is slim. You dont connect with anyone, and she is probably just attention, he is bored and lonely because of corona, and she's an easy rebound. But Im afraid it will turn into more. All of this is so unhealthy, and if you truly want to move on, you need to drop this narrative. You two broke up a quite a while ago. Him messaging with you sometimes isn't "coming back." It's therefore not unreasonable to assume that he has moved on. Attempting to minimize or invalidate whatever dating experiences he has now is simply an extension of your level of denial about this whole situation. It's not fair to assume he might date someone else just because he's bored, lonely or wants attention. No, he might date someone because he genuinely likes her. You need to start getting real with yourself, Runninggirl. A big part of that is going to be reframing your thinking so it doesn't feed your unhealthy obsession with this guy. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Luna66star Posted January 30, 2021 Share Posted January 30, 2021 It's so obvious this guy is keeping you hooked through "intermittent reinforcement" aka hot and cold, either deliberately or subconsciously. Do some research online about this unhealthy emotional manipulation tactic. Most humans are unwittingly drawn into the game. We want what we can't have. One minute he's texting & giving attention (what you crave), the next it's being taken away from you with him not replying or giving half assed effort. The only way to extract yourself emotionally is to go no contact, like you're withdrawing from a drug. This man is not for you at all. True love is not hot and cold. Hot and cold is used by people to protect themselves from ever becoming too close to you. If it wasn't like this previously with him and it is now, I'm afraid it's over. Stop trying to get answers here. Men don't want to tell you upfront the real reason for the hot and cold as they still do like you but just not enough anymore. You will remain on the back burner in a merry go round of "come here, go away" behavior. You are wasting your time with him! Link to post Share on other sites
assertives Posted February 1, 2021 Share Posted February 1, 2021 On 1/29/2021 at 2:05 AM, Runninggirl said: I try to tell myself that I was really nice to him and he probably just miss having someone, and the chances of him meeting the love of his life just after we broke up is slim. You dont connect with anyone, and she is probably just attention, he is bored and lonely because of corona, and she's an easy rebound. People can and do meet their spouses from all kinds of situations/scenarios. My best friend met her husband when she was fresh out of a very painful relationship and was bored-dating. She and her now husband were both rebounding with each other. They have since married and have been together for slightly over a decade. So meaningful relationships can come out of not so meaningful initial connections. I personally also know quite a few couples who have met their spouses who initially started out as rebounds/or they were not into in the beginning. I would advise not cultivating and feeding this thought process. You seem to be getting a false sense of security in that idea and it's only going to continue keeping you trapped and deeper in denial. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Runninggirl Posted February 4, 2021 Author Share Posted February 4, 2021 I don't know how to get out of this denial you're all talking about. I feel trapped because I simply dont want to come out of it. It feels like if I for one second stop hoping, stop believing, I will die. I live a completely fake like now where I try to care about working out, school, work, meeting friends but truth is if I stop hoping Ill stop caring about these things, Ill have nothing. It was him that broke initial no contact, and I do believe it was sort of "coming back", he wasn't giving mixed signals initially. He would text me everyday, several times per day for weeks, and I didn't initate much at the beginning. He would text me supporting messages, like "I know you're busy, dont want to interrupt you, just wanted to wish you good luck on exams tomorrow ❤️ You'll do great", send me follow up questions about things I had told him I was doing, texting me compliments telling me how nice I look or how smart he thinks I am, and so on. He would act interested in topics I know he doesn't care much about that I do, and test me with texts if he hadn't heard from me in a while. I realize that's natural, and probably partly due to "guilt" feelings after breaking up because I went directly into no contact. And because that much time hadn't passed at that time yet. Unfortunately now it has. I really wish to see him again in real life, I would like to confront him about a few of the things that happened initially in the break up, regardless. Like how he sort of monkey branched me. I would like to have the opportunity to tell him how disappointed in him I was when I found out. And that I felt like he could have broken up with me in a much nicer way. But with covid its starting to look bleak. Im struggling horribly with staying in no contact, but still going. He is still texting someone A LOT, but mainly late at night. I know they have not met, and I hope they dont. Mostly because I dont want to feel "traded for someone else", if he is to meet someone else I dont want to feel related. Gyms opened here today for the first time since summer, so I forced myself to go, because I thought a get fit-project would help my self esteem, and clear my head. I went and it felt great. Also writing here helps a lot. I also keep a diary where I rant. I just miss him so much, and Im so lonely without him. My biggest regrets are that we didn't create more special memories together, that we didn't go on vacations, special activities, and that we only have a few pictures together (he doesn't really like his picture taken). Just because I wish he would have these things to remember me by. My number one hope is that I will be one of the relationships he will look back at with joy, and not with bad feelings. Link to post Share on other sites
Minneloa Posted February 4, 2021 Share Posted February 4, 2021 (edited) How do you know whom he is texting and when? And how do you know they have not met? Edited February 4, 2021 by Minneloa Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts