Ex came back after no contact but giving me mixed signals

[Runninggirl]

Hi! This is my first thread here. I would really appreciate if someone could respond to my situation! 

My ex and I were "dating" for over 2,5 years. Neither of us had the courage to initiate to define the relationship. After one year he broke up with me and said he lost feelings because we never defined things. But our relationship always had so much spark, and after only six weeks of no contact we ran into each other in a bar, and he seemed mesmerized all over. We quickly started hooking up, he said he had never had feelings for a girl like the ones he had and has for me, and eventually we started dating again two months after.

Things were going great, we connected more deeply this time, and I could feel him coming closer. Before the summer we had a very romantic date and he looked very in love. I felt as if we peaked at that point. Unfortunately its a long distance relationship, and because of covid he had to go back and work for two months straight without visiting me or his friends. He seemed depressed, and he always pulls away. He would give me breadcrumbs of love, but I was sure we were stronger, and if I just waited until we could see each other again all would be well. He seemed jealous and depressed that everyone was having a good summer and he was stuck indoors at work. 

One week before we would see each other again we were barely talking. He was hot and cold. He went to a party the week before coming home, and a girl there who has previously thrown herself at him was there. This time I think he fell for the attention, and that finally his life had some "action". I don't think anything happened between them, but I was stalking his snapchat and realized they had started talking and he was probably enjoying the attention and the thrill of the newness. I panicked and confronted him about his hot and cold behavior two days after, and he avoided the topic, seemed so indifferent and just said that it was over, because he couldn't get over that it didn't become more the first time, and that is feelings had suddenly 180. I never really understood the reason, but it felt like sort of a grass is greener syndrome. We met up when he came home so we could talk, he seemed cold, distant and careless, but also kissed me a lot. I knew he was infatuated with that other girl, which was probably the reason for the disinterest. He talked as if we would meet again, he was gonna give me a birthday present because his was so great etc. 

I went no contact immediately. He never reached out. Not even a congratulation on my birthday. I didn't expect him to because he's extremely insecure.

After two weeks he started dropping hints on social media about regret, missing me, small things that were "us", but was still obviously talking to that girl and he was definitely also in the relief stage, so I thought it would be better to wait. He visited her and slept over once. I know this because we both have each other on snap map, which probably contributed to him not getting over me because I know he stalks me a lot too. ❤️ I did no contact by the books, tried to seem so interesting, be the dream girl as long as covid approved. 

After 10 weeks I reached out with a good excuse. He replied and starts contacting me regularly. At the same time he clearly ditched the other girl whom he only chatted with after meeting once. He was extremely kind to me, showed interest, always replied, took initiative to talk etc. But still everything was closed due to covid, so we didn't have the opportunity to run into each other, and because he has broken up with me twice Im too insecure to ask him to meet up because I fear rejection. For four weeks he contacted me a lot, but suddenly he stopped and seemed more cold and not sure. Im guessing he missed me so much, but now Im available again.

We've been in contact for two months, and for the past month he's treated me like a "friend". He has almost stopped with the compliments, the loving emojis, good night texts etc, and kind of "ignores" my attempts. Maybe afraid to give me false hope? 

At the same time he always replies, and sometimes flirt, says good night, sends loving emojis etc, but for the most part I initiate. He does however ALWAYS reply, which he hasn't done previously when he's pulled away. 

AND my friend found him on tinder, and I don't know how long he's been on there, but because of the other girl I have a feeling he downloaded it recently - but could be boredom? He doesn't seem to talk to anyone but me, and he is not following any new girls.

I have no idea how to interpret this, or how to move this project forward as covid restrictions doesn't seem to go away anytime soon. I was hoping I could get him to meet me between christmas and new years, but that's still weeks away and I feel like he's slipping away- perhaps moving on. He doesn't seem preoccupied with me like he used to when we did no contact.

Should I try to fizzle out the contact and rather take up contact later, or should I try to keep him engaged like now? I have considered downloading tinder because if he saw me there he would 100% get jealous, but Im afraid it would push him to go on a date etc. 

Im afraid Im ruining my chances by being available but not being able to meet, but also afraid to cut contact again and him thinking its just not meant to be if it fizzles out. 

 

[Wiseman2]

6 minutes ago, Runninggirl said:

My ex and I were "dating" for over 2,5 years. Neither of us had the courage to initiate to define the relationship. 

He seemed depressed, and he always pulls away. He was hot and cold.

He never reached out. Not even a congratulation on my birthday.

Sorry to hear this. How old is he? Unfortunately, hot/cold, on/off, nebulous, etc is not satisfying. You need to ask  yourself what is it exactly that you want in a relationship. This seems like a a lot drama. 

[Runninggirl]

3 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry to hear this. How old is he? Unfortunately, hot/cold, on/off, nebulous, etc is not satisfying. You need to ask  yourself what is it exactly that you want in a relationship. This seems like a a lot drama. 

We're both 26. I want what we had at the beginning, and he has stated that's what he missed too, but he pulls away and always says its "too late", then regrets it later. Ive done a lot of research after the breakup, and he seems like a "fearful avoidant". He both wants a commited relationship, and says he's getting stressed about getting older and his friends are settling down, but I think his current life situation is affecting his feelings towards me. When we were dating and he was good he would seem very infatuated, and when he was depressed he would push everyone including me away. 

Because he's fearful avoidant- or at least acts like it, I never get anywhere if Im the one to initiate getting back together, he needs to figure that out himself. But covid is really ruining everything for me:( 

[Runninggirl]

What I really need is his feelings to stay put until we can meet again, because Im positive I can get him motivated again, and when he wants me back is a good time for me to let him know what I need for things to work out this time around. But how do I get him to stay put? 

[ExpatInItaly]

1 hour ago, Runninggirl said:

 But how do I get him to stay put? 

You can't, to be blunt. 

If he isn't keeping you around of his own volition, then I'm afraid to say he just doesn't have the right feelings for this to go anywhere. Men who are interested act interested, consistently. This guy comes to you between other girls. He enjoys your company when it's convenient and, sure, you had some sparks in the past, but the foundation and connection are just too flimsy and off-on. Don't fall into the trap of assigning attachment styles to him. 

It's time to let this fizzle out. He isn't as into it as you are anymore. 

Edited December 10, 2020 by ExpatInItaly

[d0nnivain]

This was never more then a casual flirtation over a long period.  You broke up once & got back together then broke up again.  How many more times do you need to ride this merry-go-round before you realize it's going no where?   He likes you & has fun with you but he's not willing to do anything else other than have a good time with you. He's never going to "stay put" because he doesn't want to & you can's coerce him into being faithful & monogamous.  If you want FWB -- with zero emotions -- fine but since you use words like "love" IMO this is not the relationship you want.  

FWIW, if you were still connected on social media you were not NC.  You were both playing games giving each other the silent treatment.  

Edited December 10, 2020 by d0nnivain

[Runninggirl]

Update:

First of all we had the relationship talk after we broke up and we both had felt that we were in a committed relationship. So Im not afraid that it was just a casual thing.

But for the update: 

The day after I wrote this thread I texted him and he responded really sweet, we had some really good talks over the weekend and I thought it was good. He contacted me on sunday and even sent me "Good night hugs ❤️ " before we went to sleep. On monday he replied to all my snapchats, no matter how insignificant they were, but did not initiate. Yesterday he suddenly didn't reply to the one thing I sent him, so today I tried to up my game and be more personal and sweet. He replied incredibly rude. 

I texted him "Only a few days until Im done with exams and have holiday <3" With a picture of me, hoping it would spark some feelings for him. He replied with "I have holiday in a few hours, lol loser", but I thought maybe he was just playing. So I replied "Would be nice with a little support", whereas he said "I don't do charity". My reply after that he just left on read.

How should I interpret this? He could be having a few bad days, I find it strange that he would contact me after no contact only to talk to me for two months straight and leave again without getting anything in return. But also its a bit the same behavior as he had right before he broke up. "Overnight" he just seem so over me. Im not sure what's my best option. 

- No contact again: When restrictions are gone we are likely to meet anyway, but that could be in months. Im afraid he'll get over me, also afraid it won't be as efficient as the last time. 

- Try and keep in touch a build connection. He could get in a better mood over the holidays, its only been three days since he was sweet over text. 

- Be supersweet, take initiative and try really hard before I go no contact, so he actually feels the void. Not just like this where it fizzles out. 

What do you think? 

[Wiseman2]

Unfortunately when you feel like you have to decode things, feel like you're on eggshells, etc. You are making yourself unhappy with unnecessary drama, headaches and heartaches.

When you are ready to be happy in a mutually respectful and desired relationship, you'll wonder why you wasted your time on this nonsense. 

Living through social media reactions is Not a relationship.

[ExpatInItaly]

On 12/16/2020 at 1:48 PM, Runninggirl said:

What do you think? 

I think you need to realize that this guy isn't into you the way are into him, and you're starting to make yourself look a bit desperate. 

It's way past time to let go. 

[Runninggirl]

@ExpatInItaly Maybe, but its hard to let him go when he was so interested again when we first made contact. Im afraid to regret not trying. 

[d0nnivain]

@Runninggirl

You did try.  In response when you showed vulnerability he called you a loser & implied that you are some sort of charity case.  He is not a nice person.  He has insulted you twice that I know about.  I'm sure there are dozens more instances you are glossing over. 

Develop some self respect & stop chasing after a man who doesn't even like you. 

[Runninggirl]

New update:

So after that horrible conversation I felt a bit hopeless, and did not contact him for the rest of the day. In the evening i suddenly received a meaningless picture of some christmas cookies on snapchat with no text seeing that he was back with his family. That was his first time initiating anything for days. I replied and we spoke a bit back and forth, but he still seemed a bit pulled back. I think maybe coming home helped a bit on his mood. 

Thursday I decided to give it my all. The next day I reached out three times, and he replied to all, and we texted a bit back and forth and he asked a few questions and actually seemed a bit interested to talk, and all his replies were a lot friendlier. 

Yesterday he was the one to reach out first, but when I replied he left me on read, but I saw he was driving and thought that was maybe it. I manned up and asked him to go out and get dinner with me spontaneously, but I only gave him an hours notice to make it seem casual, like "Hey, Im going out to get dinner soon, if you need to get out of the house a bit feel free to join, going in 1 hours ish". He didn't open the message for 45 min, but when he did I got rejected but in a surprisingly nice way, he said "Im just about to see *insert best friends name*, I promised him 😕 Are you good going alone?" 

I tried to joke the rejection off, but now I regret not insisting or suggesting another day, but I was too afraid. Stupid ego getting in the way. He replied to my reply with a warm smile.

Today I haven't talked to him at all, and its starting to get close to 24h since we talked. Im not sure if I should just leave him alone and wait for his initiative to seem a bit disappointed with the rejection, or if I should continue to pursue him now that things seem to be at least a bit warmer.

[d0nnivain]

All he's doing is texting you or using social media to give you crumbs.  That is not him being warmer to you.  It's him being bored. 

This man does not care about you. He makes zero effort.  He insults you.  Why do you insist on continuing to debase yourself chasing him?   He's not worth it.

[Runninggirl]

1 minute ago, d0nnivain said:

All he's doing is texting you or using social media to give you crumbs.  That is not him being warmer to you.  It's him being bored. 

This man does not care about you. He makes zero effort.  He insults you.  Why do you insist on continuing to debase yourself chasing him?   He's not worth it.

Because I love him and he hasn't always been like this, and I can't expect him to be 100% sure about me right from the start again. He made real effort when we made contact again, I think cover just ruined the momentum a bit. I really really want him back, the thought of being with someone else just makes me so miserable.

[d0nnivain]

You loving him does mean he loves you.  My heart breaks for you that you think it's OK for a man to call you a loser & tell you that you are a charity case.  Why do you want him back if he's not sure about you?  Why do you want him back when he's unkind to you? 

You can't love him enough to make up for the fact that he doesn't even like you.  That is no way to have a relationship.   When you chase & chase you teach him that you have no value & it's OK to treat you like garbage. 

[Runninggirl]

If he doesn't like me I just don't understand why he came back, or why he keeps replying. when we were together and things were rocky, or when he broke up he stopped texting and replying me to make his point. For the majority after coming back he's been nice, and Im afraid Im letting my one chance go. If not to get back together I wish to get some answers, because I have so many. But I think the only way for him to me motivated to give me honest answers is if he values me and don't want to loose me, but Im not sure how to "spark that" again. I think seeing each other would help a lot in that department. 

I know I will see him in 3-4 weeks, but Im afraid he will be really over me by that time. Getting back together or moving on, regardless I want him to want me so I don't feel like the loser he left. 

But Im afraid Ive turned into his backup plan. Another reason Im clinging is that when were didn't speak I know he was out there desperately trying to find someone else, following new girls, going on dates. After we started talking he still has tinder, but now he's only at home gaming, being with guy friends, chilling etc. He doesn't seem so desperate on finding someone. Im afraid if I leave he will go find someone else.

[FMW]

On 12/16/2020 at 6:48 AM, Runninggirl said:

He replied with "I have holiday in a few hours, lol loser", but I thought maybe he was just playing. So I replied "Would be nice with a little support", whereas he said "I don't do charity"

My take on this one part of your story is a little different.  It seems like a lame attempt at humor, and one that comes off as harsh.  My ex-husband used that kind of "humor" on me sometimes.  I think it shows a detachment from you, but not a purposeful slam.  

I think he has some level of interest in you, but it's not very high.  Since you seem to be very invested in him I think trying to stay in touch with him is a bad idea. If he had a high level of interest, or even care for you, he wouldn't be using the lame humor he would use on his guy buddies, and he would be more responsive and put in more effort to see you.  Right now he appears to want to keep his options open, and if you are willing to be one of those options, fine. 

As for his breaking up with you because things were never defined - that's a load of crap.  If he really wanted something serious and defined with you HE would have brought it up.  The fact that you didn't ever bring it up just allowed him to move on without feeling too bad about it.  

If you feel you have to strategize and "play" things a certain way to get and keep his attention, things aren't going to work out.

You can certainly do better.    

[elaine567]

On 12/16/2020 at 12:48 PM, Runninggirl said:

I texted him "Only a few days until Im done with exams and have holiday <3" With a picture of me, hoping it would spark some feelings for him. He replied with "I have holiday in a few hours, lol loser", but I thought maybe he was just playing. So I replied "Would be nice with a little support", whereas he said "I don't do charity". My reply after that he just left on read.

This could be seen as banter, banter can be seen as little harsh as that is what makes it funny, but he didn't get to the bit where you both share the joke. Instead he left you on read, so the remarks can be seen as he was just not all that happy with you for some reason. They were digs

1 hour ago, Runninggirl said:

I manned up and asked him to go out and get dinner with me spontaneously, but I only gave him an hours notice to make it seem casual, like "Hey, Im going out to get dinner soon, if you need to get out of the house a bit feel free to join, going in 1 hours ish". He didn't open the message for 45 min, but when he did I got rejected but in a surprisingly nice way, he said "Im just about to see *insert best friends name*, I promised him 😕 Are you good going alone?" 

A guy who was interested would have ditched the friend in favour of you or would have said "Sorry I promised  I would see Rob today, but what about tomorrow?"
My guess you are wasting your time, it is all over bar the shouting...

[Runninggirl]

2 hours ago, FMW said:

My take on this one part of your story is a little different.  It seems like a lame attempt at humor, and one that comes off as harsh.  My ex-husband used that kind of "humor" on me sometimes.  I think it shows a detachment from you, but not a purposeful slam.  

I think he has some level of interest in you, but it's not very high. Right now he appears to want to keep his options open,(...)

As for his breaking up with you because things were never defined - that's a load of crap.  If he really wanted something serious and defined with you HE would have brought it up.  The fact that you didn't ever bring it up just allowed him to move on without feeling too bad about it.  

 

Definitely the type for that humor, but like @elaine567 said I think they were also sort of digs. When he doesn't care at all he just won't respond. I think perhaps he realized and feeling bad was the reason he reached out just to check that I was "still there". I feel like he hasn't made up his mind what he wants, just like you say, not high investment and keeping his options open. I think the reason is the momentum from no contact is over and all the bad feels are back. I don't want to be an option, I want to be chosen.

I do however believe his reasons, because in hindsight he did bring it up several times but he is really insecure and his on and off-behavior made me insecure, so whenever he would try to bring it up I "wouldn't take a hint". I think he felt shut down, and that it wasn't going anywhere. But I don't think that's the only reason for the latest break up, I think that was also about him being bored and detaching. 

1 hour ago, elaine567 said:

A guy who was interested would have ditched the friend in favour of you or would have said "Sorry I promised  I would see Rob today, but what about tomorrow?"
My guess you are wasting your time, it is all over bar the shouting...

Normally I would agree, but even in the highlight of our relationship when he was very invested and wanted me, he would never ditch his friends, plans etc to meet me. I think partly because he's loyal, and partly because he doesn't want to seem whipped to his friends. 

 

Ill leave him be for the time being, and hope he contacts me now and shows some interest

[elaine567]

24 minutes ago, Runninggirl said:

even in the highlight of our relationship when he was very invested and wanted me, he would never ditch his friends, plans etc to meet me. I think partly because he's loyal, and partly because he doesn't want to seem whipped to his friends.

Yes, but even so he didn't suggest an alternative meet up, did he?
If he can't ever choose you in case his friends think he is whipped then that is another reason to let him go...

[Runninggirl]

1 hour ago, elaine567 said:

Yes, but even so he didn't suggest an alternative meet up, did he?
If he can't ever choose you in case his friends think he is whipped then that is another reason to let him go...

No, but it wasn't natural either the way I phrased it. I asked in a way where it was more "i need company right now", I don't think he would be bold enough to reply with "I can't, but would love to meet up some day if you're up for it".

I think maybe him downloading tinder also made him less invested. Like if he doesn't get me he has other options. Luckily he is kind of lazy with dating, he always want the girl to initiate, he needs to be in a bit of a panic mode to initiate meeting up etc. He's terrified of rejection. So he could initiate a first date with a girl, but doubtful second, and definitely not a third. So makes it harder for him to meet someone else at least. 

[ExpatInItaly]

7 hours ago, Runninggirl said:

@ExpatInItaly Maybe, but its hard to let him go when he was so interested again when we first made contact. Im afraid to regret not trying. 

He isn't so interested, or he'd still be there, Runninggirl. 

You have tried multiple times. His interest in you doesn't go any deeper than some excitement in the moment. You need to learn to recognize the difference between that and genuine interest. You are confusing them and it's making you hang on to a guy who doesn't have the same feelings for you that you do for him. 

You're making way too many excuses for him. When a guy is interested and ready to date you, you will know it. You won't have to rationalize away all the signs that he just isn't into you. You need to detach and work on your self-esteem so that you don't measure your value by some lame guy. 

Edited December 19, 2020 by ExpatInItaly

[Runninggirl]

Heres an update from me:

Two days after my last post he was on holiday beak and suddenly shifted. He replied and started initiating conversations again, from then until christmas eve his initiative and responses increased both in numbers and value. On christmas eve he was almost spamming me, and wanting to talk. We stayed up late talking, and he would try to keep the conversation further when it would naturally end. It went from almost no contact to him sending me 20 text messages per day. Next morning I would wake up to a text, he would text me everything, it could just be  "Its snowing", or something meaningless. We would talk a lot every day, and he texted me all day long every day. He replied to EVERYTHING. 

On monday I sent him a very funny video, with some internal humor, and I was surprised when he just left me on read. I sent him another text which he replied to, and I asked him casually if he could pick me up which he jokingly said no to. After one hour he texted me something meaningless almost to "check" that I wasn't upset or something. Later that day we would have a long conversation going, but I was going to a friends house and didn't have time to text, so when I didn't reply within the hour he stopped. When I got home we texted some more, but my gut feeling was that something was different. 

That tuesday he was still responding to everything, but didn't initiate at all. I tried not to read too much into it, because things had been going better than it had for months the past week. Wednesday was the same, responses but no initiative. He seemed in a bad mood going back to work and spending NYE alone, and just in general down. I asked him to come over, but he said it was a bad idea because of covid. Yesterday NYE I texted him in the morning with no response. In the afternoon I got some meaningless picture, and when I responded he just ignored me. Later in the evening I asked him how he was doing, if it was ok being alone, and he replied politely and acted as if he didn't care. I told him he could talk to me any time if he needed to, and that I was happy he was doing ok, and put on some nice emojis. Even gambled and put a kiss face. I got a smiling selfie back. 

I was hoping he would text me happy new years which he didn't (although I could see he was active on social media). I texted him, and got a careless "Happy new years" back. After that I haven't heard from him. Ive tried texting him twice but him just ignoring me. Today he has been EXTREMELY active on social media, snapchatting someone every 15 minutes, and Im afraid some girl from the past texted him on NYE and he smelled greener grass. 

Sucks so much because he got my hopes up again. I feel like Im starting the year by being ghosted. I won't keep trying if he will just ignore me of course, but Im scared and anxious and always a little hopeful. 

Just had to write it out

[Cersei]

This guy is wasting your time. I think deep down you know this.  I know it sucks and it's not what you want. But girl, block this attention starved guy. Start the year off the right way.

[springy]

In my opinion/experience, someone who is interested in you in a meaningful way would not be so wishy washy, or have you in a state of confusion. They don't make excuses. You don't have to initiate contact the majority of the time. They want to be around you so they arrange their schedules in order to make that happen, etc. The way you are behaving toward him is the same energy you would receive if he was interested. 

Why not put your energy toward someone who desires you, who initiates conversations and dates REGULARLY? What do your friends and family say about the way this guy is behaving toward you? I don't see that you have much to work with here. You can continue to repeat this process or let him go and meet someone who wants to be with you and treats you well.