Venn Posted July 15, 2020 Share Posted July 15, 2020 Had an ex of 6 years and our relationship was on-and-off, I was increasingly toxic and mentally abusive towards her. (if you are curious, see past post links of me) PAS THREADS:https://www.christianforums.com/threads/being-a-spoiled-brat-has-become-the-end-of-a-relationship.7426314/https://www.loveshack.org/forums/topic/521939-on-the-verge-of-killing-myself/https://www.loveshack.org/forums/topic/534720-am-i-right-to-feel-hate-towards-my-ex-girlfriend/ We broke up because I didn't treat her as a priority and the spark just wasn't there anymore. I was bitter during the breakup. Because of the bitterness, I did a revenge thing where I show my ex and her new bf our past intimate texts. We had a really bad text fight with her and her new bf and calling me out as a pretender Christian and parted ways bitterly. What I took note was how I was a pretending Christian and it made me live with extreme depression for 4 years. I left church (ghosted friends and family in the church) and ended badly since they needed a church youth leader (which was formerly me) to replace my position. I went from moving on, self-reflection, discovering more of myself, accept I was toxic, abusive etc. (all my bad traits). I enrolled to self-improvement/productivity courses , books etc. and even public speaking and you name everything! just in the name of improving myself (these were in a span of 3 years) which hopefully did give me an open mind, my toxic traits slowly gone, and having a better mindset in all. I tried to not be a pretender Christian so I had to do some meditating and rekindling my relationship with God. After all of that, I went back to church knowing all of these in mind and constantly improving myself and my mindset. -I finally had the courage to say sorry to them finally after 4 plus years of doing a "finding myself" kind of thing. Because of COVID-19, I just sent them a letter of apology on a second facebook account that I have but in the end they blocked my account and not sure why. When I went back to church, her husband kept having those angry stares at me (which he never does). each time I would cuddle with their baby in church, he would have that angry stares too. I think it might have to do with me sending an apology letter and he might be the one who read the letter and not her or that they both saw it. Not sure if I did my part correctly, if I should have apologized in person or if I should just have leave them be and never apologize. Let me know your thoughts. Link to post Share on other sites
healing light Posted July 15, 2020 Share Posted July 15, 2020 (edited) I think it was fine to apologize as long as it came from a genuine place. It's likely the husband thinks that instead of a transformation you're making a play for his wife. But at the end of the day, at least you can live with knowing you tried to make amends for your past crappy behavior. I would let them just live their lives now. Edited to add: Why are you cuddling with their baby in church? Is this a common thing among your churchgoers? Your post made it sound like you don't have a talking relationship with either of them so I guess I'm confused about how you would be in the position to hold their child. Edited July 15, 2020 by healing light Link to post Share on other sites
Author Venn Posted July 15, 2020 Author Share Posted July 15, 2020 54 minutes ago, healing light said: I think it was fine to apologize as long as it came from a genuine place. It's likely the husband thinks that instead of a transformation you're making a play for his wife. But at the end of the day, at least you can live with knowing you tried to make amends for your past crappy behavior. I would let them just live their lives now. Edited to add: Why are you cuddling with their baby in church? Is this a common thing among your churchgoers? Your post made it sound like you don't have a talking relationship with either of them so I guess I'm confused about how you would be in the position to hold their child. Well everyone had the chance to cuddle with their baby and that happens everytime a newborn baby is there. I just find it cute that everytime we make smiles at her baby in church the baby smiles too... and hey, it's babies like who doesn't like them?. Everytime I do cuddle though, her husband does that angry stare again. I'm probably guessing he still looks at me like I am plotting some kind of evil things again when I'm really not. Link to post Share on other sites
FMW Posted July 15, 2020 Share Posted July 15, 2020 It's good that you apologized, but that doesn't change what you did, how you acted previously. Your previous behavior had a lasting effect on them. Apologizing doesn't erase that or entitle you to anything, including a cordial response. If you're truly sorry, then leave them alone now. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Venn Posted July 15, 2020 Author Share Posted July 15, 2020 (edited) 47 minutes ago, FMW said: It's good that you apologized, but that doesn't change what you did, how you acted previously. Your previous behavior had a lasting effect on them. Apologizing doesn't erase that or entitle you to anything, including a cordial response. If you're truly sorry, then leave them alone now. I'm totally aware of how it doesn't change what I did and it made me regret yes and regretting for a long time also doesn't help either. It only felt that it was more of a douche thing if I didn't apologize VS me apologizing. For me, at least I did something rather than just flatout act like nothing happened. I also don't want to live my life knowing that someone is forever angry at me as well. I would want at least to tie up loose ends if possible. EDIT: Also, what do you mean by lasting effect? Edited July 15, 2020 by Venn Link to post Share on other sites
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