Am I right to feel hate towards my ex-girlfriend?

[Venn]

here is a previous thread relating to this current one:

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/571318-verge-killing-myself

 

sorry in advance if this is gonna contain christian stuff for people who are not christian.

 

It's been long and the hurting has stopped. but now that hurting has somehow turned to hate but I keep this a secret to my family so it wont bother them.

 

The facts about my ended relationship -

*We've been together for 6 years and 4 months

*We had broken up so many times already (more than 10 times), One of the reasons were she wants to become a pastor. In our church, if you become pastor, then you should marry a pastor as well (Research in Google for Salvation Army). I did not have the calling so we argued about it a lot of times.

*One of them was also due to fact that she cheated on me back in 2010, but I fought for her and we got back together after that happened. Parents of course did not approve of our relationship anymore.

*I probably did not trust her 100% percent after the incident, but I tried to force myself do so, but she still tried her best to make her trust me again… but LDR gave challenges to the relationship.

*The recent break up (2015) happened when she didn’t contact me for a week and told me she wants to cool off. She did not want to work on our relationship anymore but I did… I sent letters to her and call to her sometimes…and because she still wouldn’t come back to me, and add to the part that her calling was back and she wants to go to Bible College, I soon lost interest in pursuing her... and challenged her that she must be the one to chase me this time. With no progress at all, both of us got into flings when we were still not okay, and both of us caught each other that we had flings. Her new relationship was successful, mine was not. I tried to win her back but it was too late.

*I’m annoyed at the part where she doesn’t care if I go to church or not. When we were still together she is always concerned if I ever go to church or not or if I pray or I have read my Bible. This also happened when we were having a cool off as well... now she doesn’t care about my spiritual life at all.

*I was bitter with the whole thing because she did not explain why she would break up with me… then she told me because it was my spiritual life and my church attendance which has been declining is the reason she broke up with me.

*I really wanted to end this relationship with dignity and no heavy feelings, until she cut off all contact from me and my family and other family members like aunts, cousins and uncles whom she has been friends with.

*After that I lost all my respect to her. I mean it would have been okay if the breakup only happened once or twice and then moving on afterwards but 15 times? Cheating? And the end result is we don’t end up together? I don’t know how to handle that. She’s made me feel very hurt so many times. All those begging and crying from the past years just so that she is still with me.

 

I know that we had officially broken up, but I feel like she treated me badly - a person whom she has been together with 6 years. She moved on so quickly and though I have fought for her a lot of times, this is still the end result. I feel like I've been spit into face and that I did not mean anything to her at all… with all those struggles to keep the relationship alive.

 

*And with all that happening, I also stopped coming to church. It was a hard decision too because Ive been there for 10 years. Even longer before we were together. Since she all at once stopped contacting me and my family, I as well stopped contacting both the church and her family. Each time my churchmates keep sending me messages, I just ignore them or not even look at them pretending to be always offline.

 

 

So that I may respect her and start talking to her, I want her to do AT LEAST ONE of the following:

1. I may have regretted my actions in the end and all but now I feel hatred toward her. If she really wants me to respect her, then she should go to Bible college and sacrifice her relationship with the guy with she is with now even though the guy is a hundred times better than me in terms of handling a relationship… because all those 6 years of fighting and convincing her to not go in Bible College and in the end she went for some guy who is not Christian like and this guy only goes to church when his girlfriend is there, then I’m disappointed.

 

2. Replace the current guy she is dating with to someone who is a Born Again Christian for some time and a TRUE Christian at that. OR prove to me that the guy she is dating with is more spiritually mature than her. (Let him teach Sunday School, Speak in Youth Fellowships, Join the Praise and Worship Team, Conduct Bible Studies). Because she did say “I want to partner up with someone who is more spiritually mature than me”.

 

3. If my ex does however go to Bible College and answer her calling and they don’t end being together, I will keep a close look on this new guy and see that he will still keep on going to church. If he does go to church even if they are not together anymore, then it means he has faced a great trial and is indeed a certified Christian for me. If he does not go to church anymore however, then I conclude that he only goes to church for the woman and not for God. (I mean this guy posts a lot of swearing in his Facebook account dating back years ago and all of a sudden he posts Bible verses when he is dating my ex?).

 

4. She must speak with my family (with or without me included) and she gives her apologies to what she has done. My parents treated her like she was their very own daughter. She was pampered and always been given gifts, always treated to family outings and such and I have my own gifts for her as well. And then all of a sudden she “seenzones” my mom and dad when asked how she is doing through Facebook. I know my family spoke ill of her a couple of times when she cheated on me but gradually my family gave her another chance to prove her loyalty to me. Looks like she failed once again and now the whole family including cousins, aunts and uncles speak ill of her when I am asked about my love life during Family Outings and Family Meetings. I mean this woman has a history of having fear of making enemies and she doesn’t want to have somebody speak ill of her… she would by all means do everything to win back the friendship of that person… why isn’t she doing repairing the relationship of my family then? She just chickened out and didn’t face my family anymore.

 

Anyway - that is my side of the story, if you see any contradictions in what I have told, you are more than welcome to express them. I can’t really put my finger on it but it really feels like she’s being unfair even if we had officially broken up.

[PegNosePete]

You are not together any more.

 

She has no obligation to jump through the hoops that you're setting up. You can't tell her what to do any more and she has no reason to do anything to appease you.

 

Why do you want to talk to her and be friends with her?

[Venn]

You are not together any more.

 

She has no obligation to jump through the hoops that you're setting up. You can't tell her what to do any more and she has no reason to do anything to appease you.

 

Why do you want to talk to her and be friends with her?

 

I can be friends with her again (not close friend just ordinary friend) only if she does the things above, if she doesn't, well I won't be friends with her. At one point (which was a long time ago) when she thought I moved on, she was all flirtatious and stuff holding hands and tickling and stuff even when she had a boyfriend.. And when I told her I still haven't moved on she went cold and avoided me.

Edited August 5, 2016 by Venn

[sooshi]

You sound very controlling. Giving her a list of things, at least one of which she MUST do in order for you to respect her and to start talking to her again? Like PegNosePete said, she has no obligation to do any of that for you now that you're no longer together. If someone gave me that list, I'd be completely put off and see no reason to be a part of that person's life.

 

If you feel hate for her as you do, you might want to look into why you're giving her so much energy in your head, and why you're even thinking about talking to her at all. Do you need her to do one of those things on your list in order to feel valued by her? To feel like she ever cared at all?

 

You're not together anymore. It's time to stop acting like you are. You don't respect her. Leave her alone. Let her live her life, and you can finally give yourself the go-ahead to do the same for yourself. You say she's hurt you time and time again in the past. Let it stop now by going no contact and finally start your journey of healing.

 

Take care.

Edited August 5, 2016 by sooshi

[Venn]

You sound very controlling. Giving her a list of things, at least one of which she MUST do in order for you to respect her and to start talking to her again? Like PegNosePete said, she has no obligation to do any of that for you now that you're no longer together. If someone gave me that list, I'd be completely put off and see no reason to be a part of that person's life.

 

If you feel hate for her as you do, you might want to look into why you're giving her so much energy in your head, and why you're even thinking about talking to her at all. Do you need her to do one of those things on your list in order to feel valued by her? To feel like she ever cared at all?

 

You're not together anymore. It's time to stop acting like you are. You don't respect her. Leave her alone. Let her live her life, and you can finally give yourself the go-ahead to do the same for yourself. You say she's hurt you time and time again in the past. Let it stop now by going no contact and finally start your journey of healing.

 

Take care.

 

All the more reason why I never show it to anyone but here in the internet and anonymously. I've kept this all to myself because I don't want anyone I know bothered with it. And I don't know myself why I am hating her right now. I only made this list in my free time. took about a month to make this. And I have left her alone. I act like she doesn't exist. Everytime we met at church and she tries to shake hands with me I just ignore her. Everytime we meet at the streets, I don't look at her at all. Like she had been completely deleted from my brain and act like I don't know her at all.

Edited August 5, 2016 by Venn

[Rockdad]

I read both those post. I don't say this to be mean in anyway.

I bet you were a job to be in a relationship with. In just those 2 postings I got tired and that girl spent 6 years listening to it. Even after breaking up you want to ramble on a to do list. Can you see how anal this is?

You probably ought to be the one apologizing, you obviously are a very detailed minded and I'd say lend to beating things to death. God you sound like my narcissistic ex wife.

[PegNosePete]

I can be friends with her again (not close friend just ordinary friend) only if she does the things above, if she doesn't, well I won't be friends with her.

Yes I understand that from your original post. But my question, which you didn't answer, is: why would you want to be friends with her?

 

If someone had treated me like she has treated you, I'd never want ot see her again.

[Venn]

I read both those post. I don't say this to be mean in anyway.

I bet you were a job to be in a relationship with. In just those 2 postings I got tired and that girl spent 6 years listening to it. Even after breaking up you want to ramble on a to do list. Can you see how anal this is?

You probably ought to be the one apologizing, you obviously are a very detailed minded and I'd say lend to beating things to death. God you sound like my narcissistic ex wife.

 

I'm not narcissist. I don't even that have many friends and I don't even want to seek attention from others because I'm the shy type. I was not a job to begin with. I did all the right stuff what to do during relationships... back then I gave her everything I had. I even skip classes back then just to see her. But in the end she would always let go of me and even cheated to me at one point even if I did do gave her everything. I was confused. But she was afraid to tell me one thing. SHE DIDN'T LOVE ME AT FIRST. that's why she kept letting go. She only truly loved me when I fought for her. But the moment she cheated, everything was too late, my parents hated her, inside my mind I had trust issues with her already and the fights were more than usual.

[Venn]

Yes I understand that from your original post. But my question, which you didn't answer, is: why would you want to be friends with her?

 

If someone had treated me like she has treated you, I'd never want ot see her again.

 

All the more reason why I left church so that I won't see her. People there kept on contacting me because they needed me. But I just concentrated my energy to my job and my family. I'm already happy with my life but this anger always keeps coming back inside of my head. All I want to see is that she is sorry about what she did and then move on. She never said sorry at all. And then she made me look like I'm the one to blame in the relationship. When I'm the one acting like a martyr giving my all.

Edited August 5, 2016 by Venn

[Hoosfoos]

She cheated - not only is she not a good Christian, she is not a good person.

[Blanco]

You don't sound very Christian-like, to be honest.

[Venn]

ABOUT THE ABOVE LIST THAT I MENTIONED:

 

(THIS IS COMPLETELY OPTIONAL FOR HER. ITS NOT AN OBLIGATION THAT SHE MUST DO IT. IF SHE DOESN'T WANT TO BE FRIENDS, THEN FINE. Besides no one I know Has seen this list and I don't intend to let them see it).

 

All I want is that she also realize that she too has mistakes from the relationship. Because it made me feel like because of the mistake I made in the last part, she used my mistake so that all of the blame will come to me. If she doesn't realize that, then sorry. I'll act as if she never existed.

[Venn]

You don't sound very Christian-like, to be honest.

 

everyone has their dark sides.

[Blanco]

OK, put it this way: Your list of things she must do if she wants your friendship equate to an ultimatum. People, especially women, do not like ultimatums.

 

I guess it's good that you think your "ordinary" friendship is so valuable that she would even entertain doing anything from your list.

 

1) You want her to end a relationship with someone who you admit is far superior to you in terms of handling a relationship.

 

2) Replace the guy she's with someone who YOU approve of, even though you said this guy is actually good at handling a relationship.

 

3) This one isn't even under her control; it's based on whatever this guy does.

 

4) You want her to basically grovel for forgiveness from your family.

 

Sorry, man, but any self-respecting woman would see this list of "musts" and maybe not-so-politely tell you what you can do with your "ordinary" friendship.

[mmmike]

I can be friends with her again (not close friend just ordinary friend) only if she does the things above, if she doesn't, well I won't be friends with her. At one point (which was a long time ago) when she thought I moved on, she was all flirtatious and stuff holding hands and tickling and stuff even when she had a boyfriend.. And when I told her I still haven't moved on she went cold and avoided me.

 

Guy, please work on yourself. You have no right to tell anyone what to do with their lives. That list you made is seriously inappropriate. If someone made me a list like that, I would run from them. I say that with kindness. People break up all the time whether it be a one year relationship or ten years. Everyone goes through suffering a broken heart. You have no right to monitor people she's dating or making a list that she must obey. This sounds controlling and creepy. Be a man, let her go, let her live and treat her with kindness and respect from afar. Trying to control someone isn't love and it certainly isn't friendship, is it? You really should take a look at the man you are trying to be and try to become a much healthier version of yourself. I say that with kindness. Man to man. Good luck. Let her go. It's brutally painful but we've all gone through it and you will get better. Don't ever try to control anyone, it just looks terrible on you. Feel better ?

[Venn]

Looks like I'm getting bashed instead because of the list I made. FORGET ABOUT THE LIST then.

 

All of this posting is the result of me being mad at her. My bitterness wouldn't have existed if she hadn't broken up with me 15 times (with cheating, flings and other stuff). If it only happened twice and no cheating was involved, then fine. We're on good terms.

 

Looks like the best choice would have been to leave church indeed since people have been telling me to not see her.

[Blanco]

Fool me once, shame on you; fool me 15 times...

[Venn]

Fool me once, shame on you; fool me 15 times...

 

She cheated only once.

[basil67]

Looks like I'm getting bashed instead because of the list I made. FORGET ABOUT THE LIST then.

 

All of this posting is the result of me being mad at her. My bitterness wouldn't have existed if she hadn't broken up with me 15 times (with cheating, flings and other stuff). If it only happened twice and no cheating was involved, then fine. We're on good terms.

 

Looks like the best choice would have been to leave church indeed since people have been telling me to not see her.

 

The only reason she broke up with you 15 times was because you fought for her 14 times. Honestly, you brought this on yourself by not graciously letting her go 14 breakups ago.

 

Don't give me any stories about fighting for someone you love - because if we have to fight to make a person to want to be with us, it's just domed. Good relationships aren't hard like this.

[Venn]

The only reason she broke up with you 15 times was because you fought for her 14 times. Honestly, you brought this on yourself by not graciously letting her go 14 breakups ago.

 

Don't give me any stories about fighting for someone you love - because if we have to fight to make a person to want to be with us, it's just domed. Good relationships aren't hard like this.

 

I don't get it though. some people admired me for being this loyal and martyr while some people look at me as stupid.

 

Some people tell me to just let go and some people tell me to fight... that was back then when she still had feelings for me. Which was right? Which was wrong? The people telling me "You can still do it! She still loves you I know it!" OR the people telling me "Just let go man she's not worth it." Do you fight for the one you love when you can still sense that they still love you? Or just leave it be until she moves on?

 

Also to add, back then when she always kept on breaking up with me, she would also try to reconcile with me in a week or two. Sometimes I fight for her, Sometimes she fights for me, (simple texts, letters, voicemails). It gave me some sort of hope that she would change... we do show improvements to avoid fightings each time we reconcile... but newer issues arise and then we fight again... mostly because of the part where she cheated. I didn't trust her anymore. If she hadn't broken my trust which was 100%before she cheated (I always believed her to be a good Christian because she was a role model in church) , I wouldn't get jealous or suspicious of her everytime she is with some guys.

Edited August 6, 2016 by Venn

[Blanco]

The relationship was broken long before the cheating happened. FIFTEEN breakups means there are poor boundaries in play from at least one, but likely both parties involved. FIFTEEN breakups means that at least one person used what should be a nuclear option (breaking up) as a negotiation tool or grab for power.

 

There is nothing admirable about a martyr. You going back to her after so many breakups just means you refused to learn any lessons and avoid repeating the same mistake again and again.

 

I can understand your frustration, but this sounds like a toxic relationship that should've been left to wither and die; possibly after the sixth or seventh breakup.

[anika99]

Just saw from your other thread that this girl was only 15yrs old when you started seeing her which would make her only around 21yrs old now. My God, let her and this relationship go. Of course she was fickle and ambivalent during the relationship. She was still a teenager for petes sake. How is a young girl to know who she wants to spend her life with? Some studies say that the human brain doesn't reach adulthood until the age of 25. This girl was practically a child when you met her. She is still growing and learning and she has outgrown the teenage romance she had with you.

 

I really don't think she owes you anything. She was too young to be in a serious relationship. You feel like she owes you something because she cheated and there were 15 breakups, but it takes 2 people to have a dysfunctional relationship. You stayed through the cheating and all the breakups. Nobody forced you, that was your choice, and she was a kid for a good part of your time together. You can't be friends with her, you are too angry and bitter to be her friend. I don't think she wants to be friends with you anyways and usually when a long relationship ends its best for people to move on and go their seperate ways. You gotta let her go.

[basil67]

Do you fight for the one you love when you can still sense that they still love you? Or just leave it be until she moves on?

 

You don't fight for a person if they break up. It's possible that they may change their mind and want to come back, but they should only be accepted back on condition that if they EVER leave again, it's all over.

 

Also, a person who truly loves you wouldn't risk losing you by breaking up with you.

[basil67]

I also want to add that it's healthy and normal for a person to cease contact with their ex's family after a breakup.

 

You talk about how it's awful that she's shunned your family like this, but I will lay money that the older and more sensible family members completely understand that she's had to block old memories in order to move on.

 

Would you want a future girlfriend to have social media ties to her ex and all his family?

[Venn]

The relationship was broken long before the cheating happened. FIFTEEN breakups means there are poor boundaries in play from at least one, but likely both parties involved. FIFTEEN breakups means that at least one person used what should be a nuclear option (breaking up) as a negotiation tool or grab for power.

 

There is nothing admirable about a martyr. You going back to her after so many breakups just means you refused to learn any lessons and avoid repeating the same mistake again and again.

 

I can understand your frustration, but this sounds like a toxic relationship that should've been left to wither and die; possibly after the sixth or seventh breakup.

 

Back then even before she cheated, she broke up many times. She admitted to me in the 4th year of the relationship that she was afraid to tell me that at that time she didn't have enough feelings for me and she was confused about what she felt even if I gave my all to her.

 

I WAS ALWAYS READY TO MOVE ON because back then she always kept breaking up with me. After a week or two of no contact, I was like "WELL THIS IS IT. THE FINAL GOODBYE".

 

AND THEN ALL OF A SUDDEN SHE COMES TO MY ROOM, SAYS SORRY AND TRIES TO RECONCILE. AND THEN THE WHOLE THING LOOPS.

 

This is the reason I'm mad at her. All that reconciling and stuff. and this is what happens. It should have been ONE OR TWO BREAKUPS and then total NO CONTACT. we would've been fine. no hard feelings.

 

I admit... I had two other not so serious relationships back then in highschool. one lasted for a month and the other lasted for 4 months... I didn't get any hard feelings from them either. I was good friends with the two. I respected both their decision and I also realized I didn't love them that much either. so no cries, no worries, everybody was happy and we are still friends to this day.

 

This is the only woman so far that I had been serious with and had ill feelings with her.

 

My entire family badmouthing her about what she did everytime there are family gatherings (because they know about the fifteen breakups part) is not helping either... Instead of me being happy and forgetting stuff like this, it just adds fuel to the fire of my hatred.

 

It feels like all those past bad stuff thats happened so far, all the hot and cold attitude, the fling, the cheating... the right thing to do would be to forgive her. But instead all the bad stuff that's happened is what I all remember and then I forget about the good stuff in the relationship. I told my parents to stop so they stopped... a few weeks later when they see the posts of my ex being lovey dovey with her new bf, they go badmouthing again... And I'm tired of hearing it and it just makes me angry again...

 

That's also PART OF THE REASON why I made that list in the first post... so that they will stop talking about her and finally forgive her and clear out any If I'm the one explaining stuff it's like they won't believe me... they are so fixated about the part of my ex cheating me before and when she found a new relationship (which she didn't cheat through me).

 

IF she goes to Bible College, maybe they would forgive her because my whole family thinks the whole Bible College stuff and the "I LOVE GOD MORE" stuff is just an excuse so that I would stop pursuing her. Similar to a man or woman wanting to become a priest or a nun but don't end up being one. When I told my ex that I would still continue the relationship even if she goes to Bible College, her plan was ruined and thought up of another excuse so she could break up. I didn't believe it at first... until she told me herself that it was an excuse back then... but before I courted her, it always has been her dream to be a pastor... it was her childhood dream.

 

So I hope you guys understand why I made that list...

Edited August 6, 2016 by Venn