on the verge of killing myself.

[Venn]

I was in a 6 year and 3 month relationship... I will just tell everything in here the course of the relationship and I want you guys to be honest... hope you have time to read something really long. I need your help because I've become too desperate... on trying to make myself happy again T.T

 

 

2009-2010 (Me at Age 19 2nd year college and she is Age 15 3rd year highschool)

At this point we were in an open relationship. I really didn't do much effort in our relationship and she had confused feelings about me. It's like I did something very wrong in this... she always goes on and off about the relationship and then I still always fight for her like I'm forcing her to be in a relationship with me because I was seriously inlove with her. At one point when we broke up with our open relationship, she entertained some suitors and her crushes but due to me being so fierce on wanting to come back with her rejected most of them... either probably touched by how I keep on fighting for her or she is forced on coming back with me. But when we do get back together in our open relationship, I don't even do much effort in it... It is always her that does the efforts in the relationship... I actually do some effort but not that much. Just me loving her always and not doing much action. She's the one that comes to our house, wants to go on dates and always tells me to go to prayer meetings at church and I still decline about the dating thing... I took her for granted because I was comfortable with the relationship and think that she will never leave me. What I didn't know is that her love for me at this point is kind of slowly declining to a point where she just doesn't love me anymore... because I was too busy with my games and other stuff... Still even if we are like this, we act like a real couple. We kiss, we hold hands, and we do stuff almost going to the point where I almost have sex with her and we do it almost every so often when we are alone... The thing is, I never am interested in sexual intercourse... that's why I never had sex with her this 6 years.

 

Then comes a guy that courted her and is as forceful as me on having a relationship with her... actually she fell inlove with somebody else in her class and its a friend of the guy that is courting her. She told me about it and then I just told her to not entertain him because we are the ones who are in an open relationship and that time will come that we will be officially together. Little did I know that she kept on entertaining him because... this guy is more caring than me, texts more than me, always calls her. Now when we were already having a date, kissing and holding hands, by the next day she accepted the guy to be her boyfriend... so it's some sort of cheating that she has already done by this point, I still didn't know about it and only knew it after only 3 weeks... I begged for her to come back but she says that she is already satisfied with her relationship right now. I still fought for her no matter what and even to the point where she showed that she still loved me... and said I was fine being the third wheel. well she broke up with the guy and after 2 weeks of competition, I got her back... and this time not an open relationship but a real relationship... but my parents disapprove of what happened... she did everything she can to win back my parents favor because of what she did... I also had my own faults for not taking care of her much... but still my parents don't approve... I continued the relationship anyway.

 

 

2011-2012

This is the point where our relationship got steady and when I showed my 100% to her... or at least I think I did. I always come after her when school is over for her, Give her letters every week, spend time at their home, the only real problem with this is that I don't have a cellphone so I can't contact her... time passed and then she is already at her college level and we go together at the same school. again still don't have a cellphone to contact her so our communication is limited to school, and then her house and spend at least 3-4 hours of staying at her house... and when we have time, always go to our favorite McDonalds restaurant... always active on going to church together... that's pretty much the pattern of our relationship during this time... Well even if it's like this we still have fights about when she feels kind of neglected and stops contacting me, I get mad easily. That's my weakness... easily getting mad... that's why we fight around at least once in two weeks or sometimes if I've got enough patience, just a month. At this point, we already practiced doing dr humps with each other... at least every 2 weeks or every month or everytime when we are alone, we always do this stuff.

 

By 2012 I transferred schools and we are already in an LDR. This time we have our own cellphones in order for us to communicate. Around a 12 hour travel... I got too busy at school and didn't have much time for her so she always feel neglected and then because of my temper, we always fight and to the point where she broke up with me... I got so fed up with the fighting that I didn't talk to her anymore... a week later she tried to get back with me but my parents have been saying mean stuff about her... she knew about this because she opened my facebook profile and even her parents saw it... a family conflict then happened and then we were blocked from each other from ever getting back... I didn't do much effort in comforting her because of me being too busy with my studies but she was very hurt at this point... and only a month later did I want to get back with her but she started to feel that she was neglected at that one month of me going no contact... it was my fault that I was not able to contact her... so what happened was during that 1 month a 2nd boy came to her life and comforted her and she began to have feelings with him... what made it safe for me to court her again is that this guy had strict parents and didn't have the guts to court her so all he did was just going around with her and start caring for her... he was one of the reason why it took so long for her to get back with me... another more caring guy was with her again... I know that he was someone more better when it comes to the "caring department" but when it's about "fight for her even if your very hurt" and "loyal" part is where I stand. It took around 8 months of struggling to get back with her... one of the reason why it took her so long for us to be together again is because she had feelings for the guy and the part where I did not contact her for a month.

 

 

2013-2014

At this point we were back to our usual texting and calling. I still just did not have that much time to her anymore because of being all alone and have to do most of the stuff at my boarding house. She was not used to me not having much time with her but she understood anyway and still loved me the same. What is really bad about this is when something bad happens to me in where I live or if its about grades, sometimes I vent my anger on her but I only share it to her and then she would get hurt and sometimes even cry about it. Everytime I do something bad to her, I counter it with a big sorry message and then give her an emailed letter after that we would then make up and go back to our usual lovey dovey things and then she will also comfort me on what happened and then she would then comfort me. around right now, I have 50 plus letters already given to her. Our communication back then was not so meaningful and sometimes we only talk about jobs, and just do cutesy things and "I Love You no matter what", "Let Me kiss you", sometimes we would even do dirty talks and dirty texting with each other.

 

By 2014 she had already found a job outside of our city and I was scared because she might get into another fling with another guy when we get into fights. Because of my frustration, I let her go but she fought for me and even cried for me. And from that point forward, I see that she was very serious with me and really didn't want me to be let go... after that we had been showing our love everytime by going to hotels and then make love there but only doing dry humps, washing each others bodies just to show that we love each other very much. I really loved her so much that she became my life support. She was my life and my heart and my soul... after that we talked about marriage, children and then a house that we wanted. Because of how im so diehard to her, I just transferred to another school so I could be near her. But then after this I got too comfortable with the relationship again... i mean like sure we go into dates, text each other and then do lovey dovey stuff but then its like im not putting my heart into it. She felt it and then the relationship started to get kind of boring again.

 

2015-2016

By september of 2015 she broke up with me and then went into no contact with me for a week. I fought for her for 3 weeks but then I was like kind of tired with it... she always texted me... move on, find another girl who is more worthy for you, im not coming back... it got to the point that I got tired because she is far away from work... I gave her a 7 page emailed letter and was a throwback of our relationship... she was touched by the letter but still insisted on not going back with me. When she went home for a vacation, I tried courting her back again but she said that she still doesnt want. Because of my anger,I did not contact her for another 3 weeks... then she approached me and told me that we will be on a cool off stage and its okay that we will just be friends for now... like who knows maybe in the future we will be having different partners or maybe we could still go back together. But i still found a sign that she still loves me but jusr did not show it.

 

By next month another guy started to court her because of a facebook pic I saw. And according to her she still has confused feelings about him. This time its another caring, gentle and overprotective guy... I did not try to ask her about it. Then after a week I started to have some feeling with another girl and I kept it secret to her. Later on she found out about it by opening my facebook account and she felt kind of bitter about it. I tried to say sorry to her and even wrote a letter to her about it. But she told me she that she doesn't want to go back with me because of the situation, my parents hatred toward her and her discovering my fling with another girl. By th new year because of what happened, we agreed to have a farewell to each other and that we will be going with different partners by then. She cried after that and me almost. By that time I thought we would have no bitterness by then... I pursued the girl that I had a fling with her and even shared to my ex of 6 yrs about the progress that had been happening with this new girl and she was hurt... but she would also tell me the progress of her new guy that had been courting her. I was insensetive with what i had been doing and she kept on telling me not to share it to me because she is affected but I did not listen because of my desperation with this new girl that I am courting. I even shared to her how we were together with this new girl at one point and just broke up after 4 days and she got hurt again. She saw how I was so commited to this new girl so what she did in return was she went serious mode with the new guy that is courting her though they are not in a relationship yet... she just made him wait.

 

Just after 2 weeks later, when I felt that I had no chance with this new girl, I started to court with my ex again and told me that "now that you see that you dont have any chance with this new girl you try to court me back again? No I wont because like I said the situation is very complicated already. Your parents and to what you are doing right now. Please I want you to focus on your studies first dont focus on love right now." I want you to be successful in life first. And if I still have feelings for you, you don't need to fight. Because I will be the one to do that. Not you."

 

By february I discovered that this new girl had a boyfriend all along and told it to my ex... it was very easy to move on with this woman because I knew that she wasn't worth it. She used me for two timing... at first I felt that I was moving on... but I was not. I still loved my ex very much and secretly plotted to win her back. I burned a DVD with all our pics in it and created a recollection book around 25 pages and planned to give it to her in valentines day with the help of my church mates. Before I could finish my plans to get her back, she cut her hair and had it colored and then told me via facebook "hey my hair is short now" and I didn't really mind it and still continued my plans. When valentines day came I gave her a flower a single letter, the dvd and the recollection book. She appreciated it but again told me about focusing ony my studies and dont focus on love right now. I sang her the song broken vow while crying and she didn't cry... she just smiled and said thank you.

 

Then i heard something really horrible;

When one of my churchmates asked her about my issue with my ex, he told me, "you had a mistake, you told her about your progress with that new girl you were courting and it hurt her. You didn't let things cool down at first about the parent stuff... you should have waited for things to cool down and did not look for another girl. You even told her how you got into a relationship with that new girl that's why she went serious with the new guy she is entertaining although they are not in a relationship yet... it got to the part where her feelings went numb and don't have feelings for you anymore. You went in too fast with that new girl even though it was not successful while she was going slow with that guy she is entertaining. You could have gotten a chance but you blew it. You got insensitive man... its too late for what happened. But dont worry... all things happen for a reason. You still want to fight for her?"

 

And I said still yes I want to pursue her still... I want to get her back... when I made another effort and gave her another letter and talked to her about it, she just repeated what she told me about focus on my studies first and you will find the love of you life... Then... one of my church mates who is a girl told me about the hair cutting part... she's already moved on... I cried... and I cried so hard... it felt like my life was gone... she was my life... she was my everything...

 

What is worst is, I think about her everyday still... my regrets... my regrets are so great that I cannot bear it... she was a girl who was supposed to be worth fighting for and now she is gone in my life... when she cheated, I was given a chance to be with her and change... I was able to change and treat her well... it's just the part that I vent my anger on her is what I really regret... why did I have to court a new girl who was not supposed to be worth fighting for? Now her feelings are into another man... this new guy is really even better than me... he would call her everyday no matter what, he would treat her like a princess, and sing songs that she likes... unlike me before being the shy type to sing for her... I only sang her a few times unlike this new guy that treats her well... even more well than me... well even if this new guy is better, I felt that I still had a winning chance of being together with her because she was able to move on from the other guys that courted her even if they were better. I should have fought for her some more back in September when we were still fresh from our breakup. But what really confused me is she said even if I did not find another girl, I will still not go back with you... why oh why? I'm really confused... I have regrets and confusions... a lot of what ifs in my mind...

 

Like what if I treated her well and didn't vent my anger on her? Would she still be mine? What if I didn't court another girl and still pursued her? Will she eventually come back?

 

All these questions and regret... and the feeling that you no longer have life support... she was my life... it was like I went through a really bad divorce that I did not want to happen... I need help because thoughts of suicide... and I;m having panic attacks... sometimes my legs and feet shake and feel like I'm some kind of ALS patient... please help T.T i feel like killing myself. T.T

[SoleMate]

Please call a suicide prevention hotline.

[someguy87]

Please call a suicide prevention hotline.

 

This. I know you're in pain but suicide is not the answer. You can find a list of hotlines here: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/coping/475952-suicide-hotlines

[dreamingoftigers]

Long term relationships are very hard to end, and are very hurtful more in youth.

 

However, it doesn't define your life and you will get to the other side of the pain. Even though it doesn't seem.like it now.

 

Call someone until then.

 

It gets better.

[EatYourVeggies]

T.T,

 

I am a lot older than you and my 5+ year story with my "first love" went much like yours did and even though I never would have believed it then... Here I am, happy, alive and still kicking.

 

Being that it's your "first love" and the length of time you dated without much life / dating / break up experience or perspective it is definitely feels like a thermal nuclear weapon went off.

 

You got to hang in there bud and lucky for you... You don't have to do it alone. You already mentioned several different churchmates of yours. They care about you and clearly are more than willing to listen / talk to you about what you are going through.

 

Plus, you also have all of us too and most of us are fresh from a terrible break up and feel exactly like you do. So keep reaching out to your friends and please, keep reading other threads / posts of people who are "walking in shoes". Continue to share you thoughts, feelings, story with us and we will gladly answer any questions you might have, offer suggestions and help you through this. I sure wish the internet existed and had access to sites like this when I was going through what you are. It would have made it easier had I been able to commiserate with my fellow dumpee and avoided many of the mistakes dumpees make.

 

Hang in there kid, I promise that you will not always feel this way and it does get easier.

Edited February 26, 2016 by EatYourVeggies

[dreamingoftigers]

Okay I read the whole post.

 

This does sound like a classic "first love" story.

 

It can be very hard to get past. But who you are and who she is will go through A LOT of changes during those years.

 

There are also a lot of lessons to learn from this relationship.

 

I am sorry the new girl used you to cheat.

 

You've been through a lot here, and nktball of it was your fault.

 

This may sound very callous, but this is an opportunity to develop yourself and find more of your interests and goals. You can and will be very happy again.

 

Sometimes we can't see the forest that is life when we are staring right up close at one tree.

 

I was suicidal in my 20s (very much so) but if I didn't survive, I wouldn't have married a superior person to my ex with even better chemistry. We have a daughter and a son on the way.

 

You can't see where you will be in even five years. It won't be the same dark place.

[Dis]

I was in a 6 year and 3 month relationship... I will just tell everything in here the course of the relationship and I want you guys to be honest... hope you have time to read something really long. I need your help because I've become too desperate... on trying to make myself happy again T.T

 

 

2009-2010 (Me at Age 19 2nd year college and she is Age 15 3rd year highschool)

At this point we were in an open relationship. I really didn't do much effort in our relationship and she had confused feelings about me. It's like I did something very wrong in this... she always goes on and off about the relationship and then I still always fight for her like I'm forcing her to be in a relationship with me because I was seriously inlove with her. At one point when we broke up with our open relationship, she entertained some suitors and her crushes but due to me being so fierce on wanting to come back with her rejected most of them... either probably touched by how I keep on fighting for her or she is forced on coming back with me. But when we do get back together in our open relationship, I don't even do much effort in it... It is always her that does the efforts in the relationship... I actually do some effort but not that much. Just me loving her always and not doing much action. She's the one that comes to our house, wants to go on dates and always tells me to go to prayer meetings at church and I still decline about the dating thing... I took her for granted because I was comfortable with the relationship and think that she will never leave me. What I didn't know is that her love for me at this point is kind of slowly declining to a point where she just doesn't love me anymore... because I was too busy with my games and other stuff... Still even if we are like this, we act like a real couple. We kiss, we hold hands, and we do stuff almost going to the point where I almost have sex with her and we do it almost every so often when we are alone... The thing is, I never am interested in sexual intercourse... that's why I never had sex with her this 6 years.

 

Then comes a guy that courted her and is as forceful as me on having a relationship with her... actually she fell inlove with somebody else in her class and its a friend of the guy that is courting her. She told me about it and then I just told her to not entertain him because we are the ones who are in an open relationship and that time will come that we will be officially together. Little did I know that she kept on entertaining him because... this guy is more caring than me, texts more than me, always calls her. Now when we were already having a date, kissing and holding hands, by the next day she accepted the guy to be her boyfriend... so it's some sort of cheating that she has already done by this point, I still didn't know about it and only knew it after only 3 weeks... I begged for her to come back but she says that she is already satisfied with her relationship right now. I still fought for her no matter what and even to the point where she showed that she still loved me... and said I was fine being the third wheel. well she broke up with the guy and after 2 weeks of competition, I got her back... and this time not an open relationship but a real relationship... but my parents disapprove of what happened... she did everything she can to win back my parents favor because of what she did... I also had my own faults for not taking care of her much... but still my parents don't approve... I continued the relationship anyway.

 

 

2011-2012

This is the point where our relationship got steady and when I showed my 100% to her... or at least I think I did. I always come after her when school is over for her, Give her letters every week, spend time at their home, the only real problem with this is that I don't have a cellphone so I can't contact her... time passed and then she is already at her college level and we go together at the same school. again still don't have a cellphone to contact her so our communication is limited to school, and then her house and spend at least 3-4 hours of staying at her house... and when we have time, always go to our favorite McDonalds restaurant... always active on going to church together... that's pretty much the pattern of our relationship during this time... Well even if it's like this we still have fights about when she feels kind of neglected and stops contacting me, I get mad easily. That's my weakness... easily getting mad... that's why we fight around at least once in two weeks or sometimes if I've got enough patience, just a month. At this point, we already practiced doing dr humps with each other... at least every 2 weeks or every month or everytime when we are alone, we always do this stuff.

 

By 2012 I transferred schools and we are already in an LDR. This time we have our own cellphones in order for us to communicate. Around a 12 hour travel... I got too busy at school and didn't have much time for her so she always feel neglected and then because of my temper, we always fight and to the point where she broke up with me... I got so fed up with the fighting that I didn't talk to her anymore... a week later she tried to get back with me but my parents have been saying mean stuff about her... she knew about this because she opened my facebook profile and even her parents saw it... a family conflict then happened and then we were blocked from each other from ever getting back... I didn't do much effort in comforting her because of me being too busy with my studies but she was very hurt at this point... and only a month later did I want to get back with her but she started to feel that she was neglected at that one month of me going no contact... it was my fault that I was not able to contact her... so what happened was during that 1 month a 2nd boy came to her life and comforted her and she began to have feelings with him... what made it safe for me to court her again is that this guy had strict parents and didn't have the guts to court her so all he did was just going around with her and start caring for her... he was one of the reason why it took so long for her to get back with me... another more caring guy was with her again... I know that he was someone more better when it comes to the "caring department" but when it's about "fight for her even if your very hurt" and "loyal" part is where I stand. It took around 8 months of struggling to get back with her... one of the reason why it took her so long for us to be together again is because she had feelings for the guy and the part where I did not contact her for a month.

 

 

2013-2014

At this point we were back to our usual texting and calling. I still just did not have that much time to her anymore because of being all alone and have to do most of the stuff at my boarding house. She was not used to me not having much time with her but she understood anyway and still loved me the same. What is really bad about this is when something bad happens to me in where I live or if its about grades, sometimes I vent my anger on her but I only share it to her and then she would get hurt and sometimes even cry about it. Everytime I do something bad to her, I counter it with a big sorry message and then give her an emailed letter after that we would then make up and go back to our usual lovey dovey things and then she will also comfort me on what happened and then she would then comfort me. around right now, I have 50 plus letters already given to her. Our communication back then was not so meaningful and sometimes we only talk about jobs, and just do cutesy things and "I Love You no matter what", "Let Me kiss you", sometimes we would even do dirty talks and dirty texting with each other.

 

By 2014 she had already found a job outside of our city and I was scared because she might get into another fling with another guy when we get into fights. Because of my frustration, I let her go but she fought for me and even cried for me. And from that point forward, I see that she was very serious with me and really didn't want me to be let go... after that we had been showing our love everytime by going to hotels and then make love there but only doing dry humps, washing each others bodies just to show that we love each other very much. I really loved her so much that she became my life support. She was my life and my heart and my soul... after that we talked about marriage, children and then a house that we wanted. Because of how im so diehard to her, I just transferred to another school so I could be near her. But then after this I got too comfortable with the relationship again... i mean like sure we go into dates, text each other and then do lovey dovey stuff but then its like im not putting my heart into it. She felt it and then the relationship started to get kind of boring again.

 

2015-2016

By september of 2015 she broke up with me and then went into no contact with me for a week. I fought for her for 3 weeks but then I was like kind of tired with it... she always texted me... move on, find another girl who is more worthy for you, im not coming back... it got to the point that I got tired because she is far away from work... I gave her a 7 page emailed letter and was a throwback of our relationship... she was touched by the letter but still insisted on not going back with me. When she went home for a vacation, I tried courting her back again but she said that she still doesnt want. Because of my anger,I did not contact her for another 3 weeks... then she approached me and told me that we will be on a cool off stage and its okay that we will just be friends for now... like who knows maybe in the future we will be having different partners or maybe we could still go back together. But i still found a sign that she still loves me but jusr did not show it.

 

By next month another guy started to court her because of a facebook pic I saw. And according to her she still has confused feelings about him. This time its another caring, gentle and overprotective guy... I did not try to ask her about it. Then after a week I started to have some feeling with another girl and I kept it secret to her. Later on she found out about it by opening my facebook account and she felt kind of bitter about it. I tried to say sorry to her and even wrote a letter to her about it. But she told me she that she doesn't want to go back with me because of the situation, my parents hatred toward her and her discovering my fling with another girl. By th new year because of what happened, we agreed to have a farewell to each other and that we will be going with different partners by then. She cried after that and me almost. By that time I thought we would have no bitterness by then... I pursued the girl that I had a fling with her and even shared to my ex of 6 yrs about the progress that had been happening with this new girl and she was hurt... but she would also tell me the progress of her new guy that had been courting her. I was insensetive with what i had been doing and she kept on telling me not to share it to me because she is affected but I did not listen because of my desperation with this new girl that I am courting. I even shared to her how we were together with this new girl at one point and just broke up after 4 days and she got hurt again. She saw how I was so commited to this new girl so what she did in return was she went serious mode with the new guy that is courting her though they are not in a relationship yet... she just made him wait.

 

Just after 2 weeks later, when I felt that I had no chance with this new girl, I started to court with my ex again and told me that "now that you see that you dont have any chance with this new girl you try to court me back again? No I wont because like I said the situation is very complicated already. Your parents and to what you are doing right now. Please I want you to focus on your studies first dont focus on love right now." I want you to be successful in life first. And if I still have feelings for you, you don't need to fight. Because I will be the one to do that. Not you."

 

By february I discovered that this new girl had a boyfriend all along and told it to my ex... it was very easy to move on with this woman because I knew that she wasn't worth it. She used me for two timing... at first I felt that I was moving on... but I was not. I still loved my ex very much and secretly plotted to win her back. I burned a DVD with all our pics in it and created a recollection book around 25 pages and planned to give it to her in valentines day with the help of my church mates. Before I could finish my plans to get her back, she cut her hair and had it colored and then told me via facebook "hey my hair is short now" and I didn't really mind it and still continued my plans. When valentines day came I gave her a flower a single letter, the dvd and the recollection book. She appreciated it but again told me about focusing ony my studies and dont focus on love right now. I sang her the song broken vow while crying and she didn't cry... she just smiled and said thank you.

 

Then i heard something really horrible;

When one of my churchmates asked her about my issue with my ex, he told me, "you had a mistake, you told her about your progress with that new girl you were courting and it hurt her. You didn't let things cool down at first about the parent stuff... you should have waited for things to cool down and did not look for another girl. You even told her how you got into a relationship with that new girl that's why she went serious with the new guy she is entertaining although they are not in a relationship yet... it got to the part where her feelings went numb and don't have feelings for you anymore. You went in too fast with that new girl even though it was not successful while she was going slow with that guy she is entertaining. You could have gotten a chance but you blew it. You got insensitive man... its too late for what happened. But dont worry... all things happen for a reason. You still want to fight for her?"

 

And I said still yes I want to pursue her still... I want to get her back... when I made another effort and gave her another letter and talked to her about it, she just repeated what she told me about focus on my studies first and you will find the love of you life... Then... one of my church mates who is a girl told me about the hair cutting part... she's already moved on... I cried... and I cried so hard... it felt like my life was gone... she was my life... she was my everything...

 

What is worst is, I think about her everyday still... my regrets... my regrets are so great that I cannot bear it... she was a girl who was supposed to be worth fighting for and now she is gone in my life... when she cheated, I was given a chance to be with her and change... I was able to change and treat her well... it's just the part that I vent my anger on her is what I really regret... why did I have to court a new girl who was not supposed to be worth fighting for? Now her feelings are into another man... this new guy is really even better than me... he would call her everyday no matter what, he would treat her like a princess, and sing songs that she likes... unlike me before being the shy type to sing for her... I only sang her a few times unlike this new guy that treats her well... even more well than me... well even if this new guy is better, I felt that I still had a winning chance of being together with her because she was able to move on from the other guys that courted her even if they were better. I should have fought for her some more back in September when we were still fresh from our breakup. But what really confused me is she said even if I did not find another girl, I will still not go back with you... why oh why? I'm really confused... I have regrets and confusions... a lot of what ifs in my mind...

 

Like what if I treated her well and didn't vent my anger on her? Would she still be mine? What if I didn't court another girl and still pursued her? Will she eventually come back?

 

All these questions and regret... and the feeling that you no longer have life support... she was my life... it was like I went through a really bad divorce that I did not want to happen... I need help because thoughts of suicide... and I;m having panic attacks... sometimes my legs and feet shake and feel like I'm some kind of ALS patient... please help T.T i feel like killing myself. T.T

 

Sweetie I'm so sorry you are in so much pain! I have tried to commit suicide 4 times in my life. I look back on those times and I feel so lucky it never worked. You will feel lucky too down the road! I know you are hopeless right now...I know and I relate. But I PROMISE you that it will get better!!! Ride this storm out...thats all you have to do right now...just ride it out. Everyday will get alittle better. Please honey, for yourself, your family, your friends....keep yourself safe. And if you need to please call 911.

 

I'm here and will be checking on you! I PROMISE you WILL be ok!!!

Edited February 26, 2016 by Disillusionment373

[K2z]

I felt the same way as you. You are in a state of overwhelm which you must understand is not permanent. It is crucial for you to speak to a doctor, or a professional. Tell them you have these impulses. Make a decision with your doctor as to whether a brief course of anti-anxiety medications might be prudent in your case. They got me through one of the darkest periods of my life.

 

Tread water for the moment; set low ambition goals for the day and forgive yourself for not functioning. The fact that there seems to be no viable choice to suicide AT THE MOMENT does not make it a good idea, and your loved ones would ultimately perceive it as an act of selfish cruelty if you inflicted that upon them. Talk to someone.

[Venn]

I have great regrets but I don't even know if I should regret or not? Please tell me if what I did when she pushed me away to get back with her back in september... at first it was a cool off... I tried to fight for her but it kind of felt not that sincere for me... I even feel that my 7 page letter back was still not enough effort ;'(... I should have fought for her even more even if she kept on pushing me away.. how could I not notice that it was just reverse psychology. even if my love sparks were temporarily gone.... but it came back too late... now she is gone... completely moved on from me because she cut her hair... ;'(... and is now with a much much better person than me...

[swang]

Hey man! Read your post. I was in a similar situation with you, was dumped by my "first love" of 8 years 3 months ago. Went through many difficulties that you went through, had suicidal thoughts, you name it.

 

However, people are not lying when they say it will get better. In fact, it will get better extremely fast once you force yourself to let go.

 

Try talking with family members you trust, and express exactly how you feel. This will help you get through the darkest times. Also, something that worked greatly for me was to show gratitude of what I have versus what I just lost. Eventually, you may realize that you still have alot going for you!

 

You can pull through, and you will become so much stronger after this.

[smudge21]

This is truly terrible for you now, but fighting through it and coming out the other side will be the best thing you ever do in your life. It will make you the man you're destined to be, the one that controls their life and makes the best choices. Yeah, you're still have up and down days as we all do, but you'll be prepared for them and better placed to handle them. We've all had a first love and the fact they're called first indicates there's more to come. Any love you have, true love, will feel like the first love. It will be great when it's great and bad when it's bad, but it's part of life. You have to experience the bad to appreciate the good. No one person is worth taking your own life over, they truly aren't. I know these are just words from strangers, but we're strangers that have all been there. We've read this book, laughed at the funny bits and cried at the sad bits, and missed it when it's over. But then there's always another book waiting to be read, a new one with a shiny cover and a totally different story. You're just entering that library my friend, don't leave until you've at least visited every section of it. Stay strong.

[Venn]

somebody tell me their honest feelings about me and my ex... please T.T

[fireflywy]

Honest feelings about you and your ex....

 

That you are far too hard on yourself about this, your first voyage on relationship seas my friend.

 

People here are right about the first love comments as at your age, EVERYTHING is much more intense, emotional, soul ripping, and you focus too much on beating yourselves up or laying he did/she did in an attempt to understand the why's of the thing.

 

Truth is, you are both young, still learning about your attractions, likes, dislikes, and you are being pulled and yanked by the forces of your adult destinies which are changing you into the people you will become. Those people will be VERY different from who you think you are now. This is why young love rarely work out long term and because you are both coming into your own, you can't REALLY fault each other for being shaped by these forces.

 

My suggestion is to remove the magnifying glass of intensity you are examining this under. You are looking at a stroke of paint on canvas and think its the most important part of the painting of your life with no understanding that the rest of the creation of the painting is going on around you. (Youth can do this because the FULL weight of adult responsibilities and duties don't vie for their attention so they have the luxury of focusing on one area of their lives.)

 

Dial out, remove the magnifying glass, see that your story is still being slowly drawn, as is hers, and know that in five years, in ten years, in thirty years, that this relationship, while important to you know, was a learning experience for the both of you. In that, its okay to show mercy to both of you.

 

It WILL be okay. It really will. Something wonderful always comes on new tides. You will be amazed where you will be in two years and who will walk into your life with the new perspectuves and knowledge you have here... if you take all I said into consideration.

 

It will be okay. Give your heart some self love my friend.

 

 

P.S. Stop comparing yourself to other guys and the cutsy stuff you HEAR they do for her. At this age, its all just part of the drama and the sweeping gestures of youth that the young THINK makes a good relationship. Don't compare!

[Satu]

Call one of the hotlines in your area.

 

 

1. Recognise that you're still in the crisis phase - you are very hurt, disappointed and angry, but the intensity of your feelings will reduce.

 

2. Don't suppress your feelings, or tell yourself that you shouldn't be feeling what you're feeling - that never helps.

 

3. Externalise your feelings by writing them down, talking to a trustworthy person, or using any other mode of expression that feels right.

 

4. Remind yourself frequently that you can and will have a good life without this person.

 

5. Remind yourself frequently that you can and will love again.

 

6. Take care of your body:

 

Eat enough and eat healthily.

Drink enough water. Thats 2 litres for a male.

Get a bit more rest than you think you need.

Do some easy exercise - nothing too strenuous.

If you feel physically or mentally unwell, go to see your doctor.

 

7. Do not allow yourself to become socially isolated or withdrawn.

 

8. Establish Total No Contact with your ex. No contact directly, indirectly, or by social media.

 

9. Keep up with all your responsibilities and things you have to do.

 

10. Do not use alcohol or drugs in an attempt to self-medicate.

 

11. Post here as often as you want to.

 

 

Take care.

[brothers343]

There's only two things worth fighting for and that is your own survival and your family......everything else is can be replaced. Your young and apparently this was your first love. I can promise you another lady will come and take her place. Many have gone through what your going through and most have survived it. Killing yourself for some one that can be replaced is not a good idea. I've seen alot of suicides and the damage you will be living behind can't be fixed. This world and this life is not meant for the weak. You have alot of chapters that have not been written yet. You will survive this and a new day will come. Good luck buddy.

[smudge21]

I know you're struggling to really understand what we're all saying here, as there's that wall around you and the only thing you really want is for all this to go away, to be happy again. It's something we all face when things go wrong. It's one of the hardest parts of life to deal with and accept. You're getting some sound advice here and you have to remember, we're not professionals, just people who have been there, done that, got the scars and managed to heal. You will too, in time.

[d0nnivain]

Your relationship with your EX was dysfunctional from the start. You have already broken up many times & you yourself wonder if you some how forced her to be with you. There were many periods when you didn't put in the effort. There were other times when you practically smothered the woman. Your latest Valentine's stunt was such an example of smothering. You don't give all that stuff to someone you are not currently dating.

 

 

Don't beat yourself up too much about this. It was your 1st relationship. Neither of you knew what you were doing & you made a lot of mistakes, the biggest one staying together too long even though the relationship was long dead. Most likely you both stuck it out because you didn't know any better.

 

 

She has tried to get out before. Let her go for real this time. Letting go means severing ties: unfriend her on all social media. Delete her contact info out of your computer & cell phone. Tear up her address & make a point to attend services at Church at a different time from her or change churches altogether.

 

 

Do not kill yourself. Pray for patience & divine guidance. I say this because you mention your Church quite a bit in your post. Talk to your pastor Use that person's wisdom to help you through this painful time but do not take your own life. God would not want that.

 

 

If you can't find some measure of peace through prayer, consult a physician for your anxiety & panic attacks.

[OXS550]

Bro, your life is worth so much more, then to end it over someone. It can be tuff and it hurts but you got so many years ahead of you to figure it out. Keep going to church, talk to people there. If you're gone, shes still lives her life. Don't let anyone have that kind of power over you. Stay Strong Bro!

[Qboro90]

Whatever you do, don't harm yourself because of a girl. That accomplishes nothing. No matter how much you're hurting or depressed, or how hopeless it feels, eventually the feelings will subside and you will realize it's not the end of the world.

 

The truth of the matter is that you met this girl when she was 15 and you were 19. Both of you, especially her, were too young to ever expect something lasting and forever at this point in your lives. The multiple breakups and getting back together all focus around when the other person starts seeing or dating someone else.

 

When you find out she's seeing other guys, you get interested again and want to claim her as your own. When she hears about you seeing other girls, she's able to regain your attention. It's an endless cycle that needs to end.

 

You cannot keep one another up to date on your current dating lives and hook ups. That's a recipe for disaster. Telling her who you're seeing and how things are going... That's not going to do anything good. And why does she still have access to your Facebook profile and can log in anytime she wants? That's not healthy.

 

It seems like you have a relationship with her where you know you were one another's first loves but you only want to commit and fight for her when you feel like she's going to be with someone else or you're going to lose her to another guy. Same thing goes for her when you show signs of moving on. Which tells me that you both are still too immature to have a healthy relationship with one another and probably anyone else at this point.

 

You wrote a 7 page letter to this girl. 7 pages!!! Think about that. I wouldn't read 7 pages if the President wrote me a letter. That's excessive and judging by your post here I can tell that you included countless minute details that you think meant a lot but in the grand scheme of things are just part of growing up. Don't write any more letters, change your social media and email passwords, or better yet, block her from your social media accounts. You need to stop contacting her and deal with the miserable initial couple months of missing her presence in your life in order to get to the point where you're ok without her.

 

Just because you don't want her to be with anyone else, and don't want to risk losing her, doesn't mean you have to keep fighting for her when you feel like she's slipping away. That's not love. That's just you wanting to keep her for yourself and not wanting her to be happy with anyone else. Selfish. She's guilty of it too.

 

I also sense that your culture and religious upbringing have a big impact on the way you think and go about things which makes it difficult to give you practical advice as far as dating goes. Your parents and culture and beliefs may have been implanted into your brain your whole life so you only see dating and what a relationship looks like in a very specific way. Which isn't necessarily a good thing when it comes to asking for outside opinions from those who don't share the same culture as you.

 

What's most important for you is to separate yourself from this girl for the foreseeable future. You both are still so young and although I know you feel like she is your whole life and all your hopes and future Is with her. Trust me, the fact is that is just not true. Each of you needs to date and see other people and do so freely in order to find out more about yourselves and what is important to you as individuals. Right now you have no self awareness or self identity because you define yourself by your relationship with her.

 

That is never a good thing. Two people can't be happy and in a healthy relationship with each other if they have no idea how to be happy and healthy as individuals. If you take nothing away from this post, just please realize this. You need to make a life and a happiness for yourself from within without having a girl included in that. Until you do, you will always feel these extreme emotions when relationships end or go bad. If you were happy as an individual then you wouldn't feel so compelled to make things work with this girl due to the fact that you'd believe you have a life worth living regardless of who you're with or what friends you have or what job you work.

 

Harming yourself over a girl or first love or anything for that matter is never going to do anything. She will not come back to you and things won't be fixed by doing that. You will hurt your families and friends and force them to carry a pain throughout the rest of their lives that they can never get rid of. If you care about yourself or your family at all or this girl then please realize this and at the very least, contact or tell someone close to you about your thoughts and get the help that is most definitely there to get past this difficult time in your life.

[Venn]

Your relationship with your EX was dysfunctional from the start. You have already broken up many times & you yourself wonder if you some how forced her to be with you. There were many periods when you didn't put in the effort. There were other times when you practically smothered the woman. Your latest Valentine's stunt was such an example of smothering. You don't give all that stuff to someone you are not currently dating.

 

 

Don't beat yourself up too much about this. It was your 1st relationship. Neither of you knew what you were doing & you made a lot of mistakes, the biggest one staying together too long even though the relationship was long dead. Most likely you both stuck it out because you didn't know any better.

 

 

She has tried to get out before. Let her go for real this time. Letting go means severing ties: unfriend her on all social media. Delete her contact info out of your computer & cell phone. Tear up her address & make a point to attend services at Church at a different time from her or change churches altogether.

 

 

Do not kill yourself. Pray for patience & divine guidance. I say this because you mention your Church quite a bit in your post. Talk to your pastor Use that person's wisdom to help you through this painful time but do not take your own life. God would not want that.

 

 

If you can't find some measure of peace through prayer, consult a physician for your anxiety & panic attacks.

 

It was only in the first year of the relationship where it was dysfunctional... at least that's what I think. The following years she was already serious with me. I can see her efforts as well. Every time I would give her letters, she would respond by writing a letter for me, she always requests a song for me, sometimes I sing, sometimes I don't and sometimes she would sing a song for me. She wanted to show equality in the relationship... although I always wanted to show that I love her more and to prove that I love her no matter what... even my very long hand written letters and my loyalty were not enough... I always thought that even though I get mad easily and get into fights easily, I am very loyal to her... even these traits are not enough...

[d0nnivain]

It was only in the first year of the relationship where it was dysfunctional... at least that's what I think.

 

I always thought that even though I get mad easily and get into fights easily, I am very loyal to her... even these traits are not enough...

 

Loyalty is not enough because you two have outgrown this relationship. Although it was most dysfunctional in the 1st year it has always been a train wreck.

 

She broke up with you at least 4 times that I counted. You have both dated other people. The age gap & different life stages work against you. At 25, after "dating" this woman for 6 years you still haven't had actual penetrative sex; dry humping & taking showers together i snot a mature adult relationship. If your religion forbids sex, it also forbids those things so pick a side & get on it. Your parents spent 8 months keeping you two apart & don't approve of the relationship.

 

This whole mess screams immaturity. You are trying to hang on to something that isn't working because you don't have anything to compare it to.

 

Everybody's 1st loves are marred by mistakes. You are just learning to be in a relationship. It's not a fault thing & I'm not knocking you for being young & in love. I am encouraging you to grow up. To to that you have to leave childhood behind once & for all & she represents your childhood.

 

Let it go.

[Chi townD]

Okay, first off. Suicide is not the answer. NO GIRL IS WORTH ENDING YOUR LIFE OVER! Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. And do you know what will happen if you off yourself? She'll feel guilty and sad for a while. Then, she'll get angry at your selfishness, then....she's going to get on with her life. She'll meet someone, marry him, have two kids with him living in a house with a white picket fence and you'll be nothing more than a memory. She live a full and happy life and you'll be six feet under in a box.

 

 

Dude, when you met her you were 19 and she was 15. What we want in our teens is way different then what we want in our twenties. People change, no getting around that. And when people change, so do feelings.

 

 

You need to go speak to your doctor. Tell him or her what is going on in your life and they may refer you to a counselor. They may prescribe you medication to get you through the tough times. And that's okay. There's nothing wrong with that.

 

 

First things first, you need to take care of yourself.

[Venn]

I know everyone has been telling me the same stuff... my family and my friends told me to just move on but it's not that easy.

 

I just wondered why my church friend told me that there was a chance between us... if she cried back then in December because of all the memories that we shared, when I gave her a farewell ceremony... and that she was really decisive that we won't go back together... why would she still cry if it's like that? She told me at that point that she has already moved on... then when I did the farewell ceremony, she said that she will continue her moving on process... I don't get it... she lied about that part. At first I didn't feel regret over letting her go because I was starting to court another woman back then... and add that another man is also starting to court her. When I gave her 2 more letters of saying how much I love her and that I didn't want to let go... I know... I kind of know that she still loves me at that time... then I gave her a 3rd letter about me finally letting go... at New Year she texted me about how she misses me and how she cried and all the things I have done for her during the 6 years of the relationship. But what made me really regret was why I didn't fight for her even though she started to entertain someone else at her workplace... It's hard... when it's the only kind of love that you want even though you fight, and that even though you have and then you still love her even if it's like that... now because I was inactive in fighting for her, she's moved on and finally went serious with the guy that she is dating now.

 

You know that feeling that she may never leave you because of your loyalty even though she cheated? And the part where she flinged with another guy for 8 months? And then you still fight for her? I really thought that it was a big indication that she will always be there for me no matter what and because of what I did. I even feel that there is no closure even though I already said goodbye to her... when I started to court another woman, that's where she felt discouraged and to her my loyalty badge is already gone... and of all people I shared it to her my progress with the other woman I tried to date.

 

Also, I find it really hurting how her moving on process is really too fast... in just five months she's moved on... while here I am still hurting for what happened... I can see that she has 0% love left for me... like I am some stranger... and here I am still longing for her... T.T regretting what I've don.e

Edited February 27, 2016 by Venn

[triple-s]

There are only two women out of the many in the world ive been with that broke my heart . To the point where i felt like my world was falling apart and i was literally on the floor balling my eyes feeling torn because ive been rejected . There was one clear thing that I knew --- i would not take my own life because someone else didnt want to be a part of mine. No matter how painful it was ... I knew where to draw the line .

 

Throughout the years ; you learn to value yourself .

 

Dude. Your life is precious . I know it hurts but it will pass ... you will look back one day and think how ridiculous you sounded ...

 

IF it helps any ; go seek professional help or counselling. It might help ...

 

Things do get better man ... Hang in there . Dont kill yourself. seriously

[Venn]

the real disadvantage here is that, I'm still in the stage of hoping, and sometimes I even recall the times we have non penetrative sex and jerk off to it... almost every other day just to make myself feel better. I feel better after recalling those times and then after realizing that those times will never happen again, I get hurt and am pushed back in the reality that we are not together anymore...

 

I sometimes still remember the times when we were happy together, the times I did the good efforts, the time when we were always happy together... everything is still so very crystal clear to me... I feel comfortable and fantasize about going back together.

 

Even looking at dates like before September 2015, what I could have done, and looking at dates before December 2015, what could have happened... just merely looking at them makes me remember the time that I still had a chance.

 

I'm an introvert guys... I don't have many friends to talk to and many of them are busy... my only real friends are those in church. I only got lucky on having a relationship with this woman. And she is my churchmate... from time to time she will come home during her day off and seeing her is very painful to me.