Author LaurenEliz Posted October 12, 2020 Author Share Posted October 12, 2020 11 minutes ago, Crazelnut said: Lauren, this and your response are what I mean by flailing around. You are intentionally focusing on the wrong thing, to avoid having to deal with the real problem -- your husband and father of your children is in love with another woman. I totally get that you have a newborn, but sooner or later you're going to have to deal with it. The longer you drag it out, the worse it will be. Or are you content to live your life this way? That isn't a facetious question. Are you ok living your life knowing he's into her, lying to you? No. I’m obviously not ok with it. I’m only asking why he still hasn’t told her yet has kept her there. I’m asking for advice. Link to post Share on other sites
Author LaurenEliz Posted October 12, 2020 Author Share Posted October 12, 2020 Crazel am not meaning to be short but I’m just wondering why he hasn’t told her but has still chosen to keep her there Link to post Share on other sites
Crazelnut Posted October 12, 2020 Share Posted October 12, 2020 Because he knows if he tells her, she'll bolt. It's pretty obvious, given her earlier comment to that effect. She is THAT important to him. 2 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author LaurenEliz Posted October 12, 2020 Author Share Posted October 12, 2020 1 hour ago, Crazelnut said: Because he knows if he tells her, she'll bolt. It's pretty obvious, given her earlier comment to that effect. She is THAT important to him. Do you think that’s why he’s not being as talkative as normal with her? Obviously he’s been at home with me etc. There has been contact I need to get my head out of the sand about that it’s been a little every few days/week or so so but it doesn’t matter how little contact it is does it, the fact is it’s there? And thanks. I do appreciate your honesty Link to post Share on other sites
Chica80 Posted October 13, 2020 Share Posted October 13, 2020 The reason he has kept her number is because he still cares about her or loves her. He wants to be with her. You stated your M, was not good. If I am understanding correctly, they ended it and after that is when you got pregnant with the 2nd. So they ended it. He "tried to make it work". Agreed to another. Some people do this so their child can have a sibling. The reason he hasn't told her about the pregnancy and second child is because he still wants to be with her. But since they aren't really "together" he hasn't brought it up. Because if the opportunity ever comes up, he would rather tell her in person so he can talk to her about it. He may stay with you, have a family with you etc. But his heart is not with you. Link to post Share on other sites
Prudence V Posted October 13, 2020 Share Posted October 13, 2020 8 hours ago, LaurenEliz said: it’s been a little every few days/week or so That sounds a lot more frequent than when you first posted about this. Link to post Share on other sites
Author LaurenEliz Posted October 13, 2020 Author Share Posted October 13, 2020 28 minutes ago, Prudence V said: That sounds a lot more frequent than when you first posted about this. Yep it has been more frequent recently. Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted October 13, 2020 Share Posted October 13, 2020 We don't know and nether do you what she actually knows about the baby. He may have already told her "in person". or via a third party or via some app you can't spy on. You are hinging the future of your marriage on the hope that she will dump him when she finds out about the second baby. However it seems to me OWs make all sorts of statements and demands and ultimatums concerning the affair, to find when the chips are down, they will cave rather than lose their MM. Do not rely on her disappearing the minute she finds out, she may already know, or if not, when she does find out, she may still be going nowhere. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author LaurenEliz Posted October 13, 2020 Author Share Posted October 13, 2020 20 minutes ago, elaine567 said: We don't know and nether do you what she actually knows about the baby. He may have already told her "in person". or via a third party or via some app you can't spy on. You are hinging the future of your marriage on the hope that she will dump him when she finds out about the second baby. However it seems to me OWs make all sorts of statements and demands and ultimatums concerning the affair, to find when the chips are down, they will cave rather than lose their MM. Do not rely on her disappearing the minute she finds out, she may already know, or if not, when she does find out, she may still be going nowhere. She definitely does not know. Link to post Share on other sites
HadMeOverABarrel Posted October 16, 2020 Share Posted October 16, 2020 (edited) On 10/13/2020 at 5:18 AM, LaurenEliz said: She definitely does not know. The point was not whether she knows; rather the point is it will not matter regardless. She's pretty much a permanent fixture in your marriage for the foreseeable future...baby or no baby. Edited October 16, 2020 by HadMeOverABarrel Typo Link to post Share on other sites
Prudence V Posted October 19, 2020 Share Posted October 19, 2020 On 10/13/2020 at 9:32 AM, LaurenEliz said: Yep it has been more frequent recently. Does that bother you, or have you accepted that this is just how your marriage is going to be, for the rest of however long it lasts? Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted October 19, 2020 Share Posted October 19, 2020 While I don't advise people to divorce, this IS an infidelity situation, and one that clearly bothers you, and IIRC apparently the marriage was never that great (for either of you) in the first place. One possible course of action you could consider would be to gather your strength, figure out some options for becoming self-supporting as a single mom, and then start the process to leave the marriage. Possibly, he would make a generous divorce settlement in order to be free with the option to chase his OW. If it turned out the grass wasn't actually greener, the generous divorce agreement would remain in effect. Something to think about... Link to post Share on other sites
Author LaurenEliz Posted November 17, 2020 Author Share Posted November 17, 2020 Hi all, I don’t know how to post my original story but I have posted on here before. To cut a long story short my H kept his AP number. What I wanted to ask was this - if it was actually over between them, wouldn’t he delete that link to her and could it be possible that he is just laying low for the time being (I think I’ve almost caught him messaging her, for example a couple of weeks ago I am 90% sure I almost caught him) and there has been no contact between them for only three weeks but that’s the time between when I almost caught him and now. do you think he still keeps it to continue things with her? Link to post Share on other sites
FMW Posted November 17, 2020 Share Posted November 17, 2020 Keeping someone's number means you think you might want to use it again. I'm sorry, I know that's not what you want to hear, but I think posting here means you already know why he still has the number. The only question is what are you going to do about it? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted November 17, 2020 Share Posted November 17, 2020 What did your husband say when you asked him why he still has his affair partner's phone number? Link to post Share on other sites
Author LaurenEliz Posted November 17, 2020 Author Share Posted November 17, 2020 5 minutes ago, FMW said: Keeping someone's number means you think you might want to use it again. I'm sorry, I know that's not what you want to hear, but I think posting here means you already know why he still has the number. The only question is what are you going to do about it? Please don’t apologise I came on here for honesty.. right now I don’t know what I’m going to do I’d rather clear my head first before approaching anything. the difference between laying low with her and it being over would be the deletion of the number right? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author LaurenEliz Posted November 17, 2020 Author Share Posted November 17, 2020 2 minutes ago, stillafool said: What did your husband say when you asked him why he still has his affair partner's phone number? Hi, he doesn’t know I know he kept it Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted November 17, 2020 Share Posted November 17, 2020 You should have brought this up as soon as you found it to let him know that you won't tolerate him cheating again and now you don't trust him. If you don't reveal what you know and make a stand expect him to cheat again. Yes he kept the number because he knows he will want to call her again. Link to post Share on other sites
Author LaurenEliz Posted November 17, 2020 Author Share Posted November 17, 2020 You’re right, there’s zero reason for keeping it otherwise is there 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Crazelnut Posted November 17, 2020 Share Posted November 17, 2020 Lauren, this is exactly what you asked in the other thread. The answers aren't going to change. He kept it because he still has some emotional tie to her. Read that again: emotional tie to HER. So we ask the same question of you -- what are you going to do about it? Clearly, it's eating at you. Sooner or later, you're going to have to deal with it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author LaurenEliz Posted November 17, 2020 Author Share Posted November 17, 2020 10 minutes ago, Crazelnut said: Lauren, this is exactly what you asked in the other thread. The answers aren't going to change. He kept it because he still has some emotional tie to her. Read that again: emotional tie to HER. So we ask the same question of you -- what are you going to do about it? Clearly, it's eating at you. Sooner or later, you're going to have to deal with it. Hi, nice to hear from you. What is the difference between him laying low with her and it actually being over? Is it getting rid of any sort of way to communicate with her? Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted November 17, 2020 Share Posted November 17, 2020 Hi, Lauren - recall your OP quite clearly. How's the new baby doing? I think you've done the smart thing so far, but no one should have to put up with infidelity on an extended basis. IF you've decided it's now safe to broach this issue and either have him end whatever this is or leave (or both) then again suggest you be careful/smart about it and ensure you and your child have a solid plan/parachute ready. Link to post Share on other sites
Author LaurenEliz Posted November 17, 2020 Author Share Posted November 17, 2020 3 minutes ago, mark clemson said: Hi, Lauren - recall your OP quite clearly. How's the new baby doing? I think you've done the smart thing so far, but no one should have to put up with infidelity on an extended basis. IF you've decided it's now safe to broach this issue and either have him end whatever this is or leave (or both) then again suggest you be careful/smart about it and ensure you and your child have a solid plan/parachute ready. Hi mark. Nice to hear from you and hope you’re well. baby is doing well thank you for asking! i know I need to approach the topic but before I do, I just need to set straight in my mind that that number is there for a reason. whats your take on the difference between laying low and it actually being over between them? My answer is the deletion of the number but keen to hear your take Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted November 17, 2020 Share Posted November 17, 2020 I honestly don't know. I think it's reasonable that keeping the # COULD be for possible future reference. Whether possible future reference means "only if you suddenly and unexpectedly die" or "as soon as possible" is anyone's guess IMO. Sorry I couldn't be of more help, but figuring out someone else's actual motives is always challenging - just a best guess. It's possible he is just keeping it as a "keepsake" or similar, but given that's it's a phone number I think that's pretty unlikely. IF you're planning on divorcing, hope you've consulted an attorney on what the broad parameters of the outcome are likely to look like, how you will support yourself, etc. GL... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted November 17, 2020 Share Posted November 17, 2020 Why can't you just ask him why he still has her number? He has the answer. Link to post Share on other sites
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