Stevnx3 Posted July 10, 2020 Share Posted July 10, 2020 28 minutes ago, LaurenEliz said: Slightly off topic I k ow. Do you think it’s possible to make it a happy house even though we aren’t happy, for the sake of our kids? Or do you think that can only last so long Will only last so long. That ache and misery will not go away. Time only heals if the person wishing to be healed helps themselves out of what hurts them. In your case, time will make you bitter. I only infer, just a guess, mind you. But he may not stop, and he may not be with you at some point, even with your kids. You'd do yourself a big disservice. Years will go by and this will only compound. Lauren: What would you rate your value? Would you not say that you are valuable, and should be in a happy situation? Eventually your kids will be old enough to recognize that something is off with mommy and daddy - your masks will be exposed for what is underneath. Confront him, when you can. Try to reason with him. I'm not so sure it will do you any good. This route I feel will only lead to misery.. Link to post Share on other sites
Author LaurenEliz Posted July 10, 2020 Author Share Posted July 10, 2020 24 minutes ago, Stevnx3 said: Will only last so long. That ache and misery will not go away. Time only heals if the person wishing to be healed helps themselves out of what hurts them. In your case, time will make you bitter. I only infer, just a guess, mind you. But he may not stop, and he may not be with you at some point, even with your kids. You'd do yourself a big disservice. Years will go by and this will only compound. Lauren: What would you rate your value? Would you not say that you are valuable, and should be in a happy situation? Eventually your kids will be old enough to recognize that something is off with mommy and daddy - your masks will be exposed for what is underneath. Confront him, when you can. Try to reason with him. I'm not so sure it will do you any good. This route I feel will only lead to misery.. Hi, lovely to see you. Thank you, I figured this was the answer but had to ask anyway. Also how can he make it a happy house with me whilst he holds onto her number? To me that’s impossible Link to post Share on other sites
Author LaurenEliz Posted July 10, 2020 Author Share Posted July 10, 2020 Also and I need you guys to tell me if I’m being really naive here, I know I might have come across like I don’t appreciate your comments I truely do and the fact that you are being honest with me is helping me. after our first son was born and we were arguing, he would say to me how he is only here because we have a son. I know I pushed hard for this second baby and yes he finally agreed, but do you think he couldn’t have just been here for our sons sake if he agreed to another baby? my friend who is the only person who knows what you guys know, said he probably felt that he couldn’t see a way out so agreed. Which hurt, but she’s honest like you guys, I was just wondering what you thought. It all all makes sense that he’s still stalling on telling her about my pregnancy because it becomes clearer everyday that he doesn’t want to lose her. It would take a text ‘my wife is pregnant’ and he’s not doing it. Yes ive thought about doing it myself but I think I might breakdown so im tabling things until after birth Link to post Share on other sites
Stevnx3 Posted July 10, 2020 Share Posted July 10, 2020 32 minutes ago, LaurenEliz said: Hi, lovely to see you. Thank you, I figured this was the answer but had to ask anyway. Also how can he make it a happy house with me whilst he holds onto her number? To me that’s impossible You're right: It is impossible. Lauren, you control your own destiny here. Make yourself happy it is entirely possible to be good parents to your kids, even if you are not together under the same roof. Link to post Share on other sites
MissBee Posted July 10, 2020 Share Posted July 10, 2020 On 6/17/2020 at 6:14 AM, LaurenEliz said: Hi everyone, I hope you are all well. My boyfriend cheated on me. We have been together a long time, so we decided to give it another chance. When I say cheated, I have no proof it was physical, I just found hundreds of messages (deep emotional messages and as much as it hurts to say this, he used words with her he’s never used with me) it almost broke us up. Three months later, I’ve just discovered he still has her number. Why would he have it if it were over? Did you ask him? How did you realize he still had her number? I ask because the first clue a relationship is rocky, regardless of if cheating is occurring or not, is when people can't ask their partner simple questions or have open and transparent conversations and everything is a guessing game or asking everyone else the answers except their partner. As well, if there is a desire and practice of snooping through stuff. This is a sign that the relationship isn't going well in general if you're suspicious, snooping through phones or can't communicate directly. The other aspect is: unless you are communicating and seeing how he responds, none of us know this answer. Personally, I don't really delete people's numbers unless something extremely volatile happened and I truly hate that person then I might do that. But for the most part, if I decide not to speak to someone again, I just don't and don't typically go out of my way to delete their number. 1/2 of my phone contacts are probably people I haven't spoken to in years or will never speak to again to be honest. Link to post Share on other sites
Stevnx3 Posted July 10, 2020 Share Posted July 10, 2020 46 minutes ago, LaurenEliz said: Also and I need you guys to tell me if I’m being really naive here, I know I might have come across like I don’t appreciate your comments I truely do and the fact that you are being honest with me is helping me. after our first son was born and we were arguing, he would say to me how he is only here because we have a son. I know I pushed hard for this second baby and yes he finally agreed, but do you think he couldn’t have just been here for our sons sake if he agreed to another baby? my friend who is the only person who knows what you guys know, said he probably felt that he couldn’t see a way out so agreed. Which hurt, but she’s honest like you guys, I was just wondering what you thought. It all all makes sense that he’s still stalling on telling her about my pregnancy because it becomes clearer everyday that he doesn’t want to lose her. It would take a text ‘my wife is pregnant’ and he’s not doing it. Yes ive thought about doing it myself but I think I might breakdown so im tabling things until after birth His motivation is beyond us. I personally believe that he is scared if whatever repercussions having kids and divorce will be... He may want to stay around for the kids, but for how long? I believe he will give in to his desires for this OW and eventually leave for her. You definitely must confront him after your birth, once you have recovered some. Be strong. Link to post Share on other sites
Author LaurenEliz Posted July 10, 2020 Author Share Posted July 10, 2020 7 minutes ago, Stevnx3 said: His motivation is beyond us. I personally believe that he is scared if whatever repercussions having kids and divorce will be... He may want to stay around for the kids, but for how long? I believe he will give in to his desires for this OW and eventually leave for her. You definitely must confront him after your birth, once you have recovered some. Be strong. Yes I agree. I’ve been writing down what to say etc. What I meant was is he only ‘here for the kids’ if he finally agreed to another baby? Link to post Share on other sites
Stevnx3 Posted July 10, 2020 Share Posted July 10, 2020 5 minutes ago, LaurenEliz said: Yes I agree. I’ve been writing down what to say etc. What I meant was is he only ‘here for the kids’ if he finally agreed to another baby? He may have agreed simply to calm you down and give him some leeway, if anything. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author LaurenEliz Posted July 10, 2020 Author Share Posted July 10, 2020 8 minutes ago, Stevnx3 said: He may have agreed simply to calm you down and give him some leeway, if anything. Thanks, I think I needed to hear this 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Stevnx3 Posted July 10, 2020 Share Posted July 10, 2020 8 minutes ago, Stevnx3 said: He may have agreed simply to calm you down and give him some leeway, if anything. Sorry Lauren. I am bouncing around today. What I mean by this, is that if he let's you believe he wants another kid, there for the kids, if may put you into a relaxed, vulnerable position he can exploit this for reaching out to OW. Again, I am inferring. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Stevnx3 Posted July 10, 2020 Share Posted July 10, 2020 1 minute ago, LaurenEliz said: Thanks, I think I needed to hear this Yvw! I truly do like helping you! I want the best outcome for you and your children, really. If I could wave a magic wand and make this all better for you, I would ! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author LaurenEliz Posted July 10, 2020 Author Share Posted July 10, 2020 8 minutes ago, Stevnx3 said: Sorry Lauren. I am bouncing around today. What I mean by this, is that if he let's you believe he wants another kid, there for the kids, if may put you into a relaxed, vulnerable position he can exploit this for reaching out to OW. Again, I am inferring. No it’s ok I get what you mean. Our first was a shock, and that’s when things went from bad to worse. He is a good father I can’t fault him there and he’s even said to me himself that he has promised himself he can’t put our son through what he went through. But when I suggested another baby may help and I pushed and pushed I thought because he agreed that the whole ‘I’m only here for my son’ was null and void because we are having another but the more I think about it you’re right. He can’t really be making a go of it with me whilst she is in the picture whether they are talking atm or not Link to post Share on other sites
Stevnx3 Posted July 10, 2020 Share Posted July 10, 2020 4 minutes ago, LaurenEliz said: No it’s ok I get what you mean. Our first was a shock, and that’s when things went from bad to worse. He is a good father I can’t fault him there and he’s even said to me himself that he has promised himself he can’t put our son through what he went through. But when I suggested another baby may help and I pushed and pushed I thought because he agreed that the whole ‘I’m only here for my son’ was null and void because we are having another but the more I think about it you’re right. He can’t really be making a go of it with me whilst she is in the picture whether they are talking atm or not Definitely won't fix things. I am happy you are realizing all of this. I get that you thought the 2nd kid would fix things and even clung to that hope. I do not fault you there. But it rarely does fix anything. If anything, like with your first child, it may double the misery. Although he is good with the kid(s), the first did not truly fix anything ( bad to worse ) So ..What would the 2nd kid do? This is about his OW, really. Lauren, you are a sweet person. I truly believe you can find someone who would love you more than you have now. If he is as good a dad as you say, even if you two separated, he would still be around to care for his children. This frees you up to find happiness elsewhere. Frees him to whatever. Link to post Share on other sites
Author LaurenEliz Posted July 10, 2020 Author Share Posted July 10, 2020 (edited) 28 minutes ago, Stevnx3 said: Definitely won't fix things. I am happy you are realizing all of this. I get that you thought the 2nd kid would fix things and even clung to that hope. I do not fault you there. But it rarely does fix anything. If anything, like with your first child, it may double the misery. Although he is good with the kid(s), the first did not truly fix anything ( bad to worse ) So ..What would the 2nd kid do? This is about his OW, really. Lauren, you are a sweet person. I truly believe you can find someone who would love you more than you have now. If he is as good a dad as you say, even if you two separated, he would still be around to care for his children. This frees you up to find happiness elsewhere. Frees him to whatever. He also said to her ‘I do miss having you in my life’ was that him saying you’re not in my life now but I do miss you to her? Edited July 10, 2020 by LaurenEliz Link to post Share on other sites
Stevnx3 Posted July 10, 2020 Share Posted July 10, 2020 2 minutes ago, LaurenEliz said: He also said to her ‘I do miss having you in my life’ Yes, he does. I can believe it. That's why he has been texting her behind your back. Lauren, I want you to have a man who will be texting his buddy, saying, "Man, I sure do miss Lauren; I haven't seen ( or heard ) from her in hours!" That's the kind of thing you need..for you! Remember this: You do not long for something(one), unless you either love or desire that thing(person). His heart is just not in the game anymore for you, I feel. Tell me this: Do you want someone to text you these things he texts her? Link to post Share on other sites
Author LaurenEliz Posted July 10, 2020 Author Share Posted July 10, 2020 48 minutes ago, Stevnx3 said: Yes, he does. I can believe it. That's why he has been texting her behind your back. Lauren, I want you to have a man who will be texting his buddy, saying, "Man, I sure do miss Lauren; I haven't seen ( or heard ) from her in hours!" That's the kind of thing you need..for you! Remember this: You do not long for something(one), unless you either love or desire that thing(person). His heart is just not in the game anymore for you, I feel. Tell me this: Do you want someone to text you these things he texts her? That wasn’t him saying I do miss you because you’re out of my life? Or am I being totally irrational now (feel free to say yes)! Link to post Share on other sites
Stevnx3 Posted July 10, 2020 Share Posted July 10, 2020 1 minute ago, LaurenEliz said: That wasn’t him saying I do miss you because you’re out of my life? Or am I being totally irrational now (feel free to say yes)! Lauren, he does miss her. That is why he is reaching out to her. Link to post Share on other sites
Author LaurenEliz Posted July 10, 2020 Author Share Posted July 10, 2020 6 minutes ago, Stevnx3 said: Lauren, he does miss her. That is why he is reaching out to her. No I know he misses her and I’m probably reading way too much into the wording. It was just that he said I do miss having you in my life, I took that as you’re out of my life but I do miss you (feel free to tell me I’m wrong, I feel slightly irrational) Link to post Share on other sites
Stevnx3 Posted July 10, 2020 Share Posted July 10, 2020 (edited) 2 minutes ago, LaurenEliz said: No I know he misses her and I’m probably reading way too much into the wording. It was just that he said I do miss having you in my life, I took that as you’re out of my life but I do miss you (feel free to tell me I’m wrong, I feel slightly irrational) You are wrong. I believe it is because she is at the other side of the country and he misses her. This could have other implications, mind you. Who is to say they weren't meeting up before this, no? He could miss her presence rather than anything else.. Edited July 10, 2020 by Stevnx3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author LaurenEliz Posted July 10, 2020 Author Share Posted July 10, 2020 8 minutes ago, Stevnx3 said: You are wrong. I believe it is because she is at the other side of the country and he misses her. This could have other implications, mind you. Who is to say they weren't meeting up before this, no? He could miss her presence rather than anything else.. She’s back now from what I can tell from the messages, I thought it was longer. No I took his wording of it as you aren’t in my life anymore but I do miss you (I’m aware I’m sounding abit nutty) Link to post Share on other sites
Stevnx3 Posted July 10, 2020 Share Posted July 10, 2020 6 minutes ago, LaurenEliz said: She’s back now from what I can tell from the messages, I thought it was longer. No I took his wording of it as you aren’t in my life anymore but I do miss you (I’m aware I’m sounding abit nutty) She's back? Increases the chances that they meet... Can you honestly take someone who has lied to you already at their word? Link to post Share on other sites
Author LaurenEliz Posted July 10, 2020 Author Share Posted July 10, 2020 7 minutes ago, Stevnx3 said: She's back? Increases the chances that they meet... Can you honestly take someone who has lied to you already at their word? He didn’t lie about where she was, it was confirmed in messages that she came back early. As far as he knew she was still in a different part of the uk but she said she’s back. So that wasn’t him saying you’re no longer in my life but I miss you anyway? Link to post Share on other sites
Stevnx3 Posted July 10, 2020 Share Posted July 10, 2020 3 minutes ago, LaurenEliz said: He didn’t lie about where she was, it was confirmed in messages that she came back early. As far as he knew she was still in a different part of the uk but she said she’s back. So that wasn’t him saying you’re no longer in my life but I miss you anyway? No it wasn't Lauren. I was saying that he has lied to you before, so how can you trust anything he tells you now? Has he done something to gain back your trust? Without trust, what is truth? Link to post Share on other sites
Stevnx3 Posted July 10, 2020 Share Posted July 10, 2020 Lauren, he misses her. But she is still in his life. He is messaging her Link to post Share on other sites
Author LaurenEliz Posted July 11, 2020 Author Share Posted July 11, 2020 10 hours ago, Stevnx3 said: Lauren, he misses her. But she is still in his life. He is messaging her I know this. What I don’t understand is how he went from saying ‘I want you in my life’ to ‘I do miss having you in my life’ the second one says to me that he doesn’t want her in it? Or is that just wishful thinking on my part Link to post Share on other sites
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