Husband kept OW number

[LaurenEliz]

3 minutes ago, Stevnx3 said:

Well, Lauren. Do not look at your options for too long. You will eventually need to make moves.

Probably be more words between him to her than sorry ( I speculate ). I wouldn't be so pinned up on that. Could be anything, and nothing good. I am happy you are talking here. Just know that you will have to confront him soon enough.

You have all you need on your side. I'd not wait too much longer.

You’re right, I think I just needed someone to say it’s not going to be him saying he’s sorry 

[mark clemson]

55 minutes ago, LaurenEliz said:

If it was just a case that ‘he’s sorry’ to her, why go to the bother of putting it on a voice message - I’m just trying to rule that out 

If I had to guess, my thought would be he's going to tell her about the pregnancy and gauge her reaction - thus the need for a phone call.

That assumes he's going to be honest with her about that. That is an assumption and I certainly could be wrong.

It's possible, but I think highly unlikely, that he would tell her it's over at the same time. I suspect it's much more likely that if she "caves" and wishes to continue anyhow, he will do so. Right now, in his mind, he probably has no "reason" to quit (other than the distance aspect). I could be wrong about that too, but I suspect not.

It will be interesting to see how he reacts once you eventually reveal that you know about it. Of course "interesting" to me is real life and major implications/life changes to you.

You should be aware that there is a tendency for WS to go strongly one way or the other at a DDay. Some very strongly revert back to wanting their partner, sometimes extremely strongly. Others are well and truly done and choose to leave the marriage no matter what.

So, while this is NOT a recommendation for action one way or another, it's possible that upon revealing you know about the affair, you will "get him back". Particularly if there's no real possibility of him being with the OW. However, there is definitely no guarantee. These are just tendencies and a specific WS's reaction is probably impossible to know in advance.

There is also the question of whether you'd want him back, which is a separate issue.

I believe that, due to the peculiarities of how the psychology of this works, IF he really wants you and to stay married upon discovery, the less interest you show in that, the more strongly he is likely to chase you/want you back. Presumably that works only up to a point for most people. But we see cases where WS really and truly long for their partner back, even if the BS wants nothing to do with them, sometimes lasting years, staying "loyal" past a divorce, etc.

Just to reiterate - I have no recommendation for a specific action based on this. You must decide what you'll do. There is no real way, I believe, to know how a specific WS will react. Reactions way outside the norm sometimes (rarely) can occur too. There is just no predicting.

[HadMeOverABarrel]

Lauren, what you're actually doing by asking all these questions is staying inn denial because the truth is too difficult for you to face. People posting here can see it clearly because we are not emotionally attached to the outcome like you are. That being said, you have to face the truth even though it's going to be incredibly painful and bitter. Think what is in the long-term best interest for you and your kids. A mommy who's more preoccupied by monitoring daddy and questioning every angle of his every move, or a mommy that went through an immensely painful experience but emerged stronger in the end, and demonstrated a lesson in strength to her children?

[LaurenEliz]

12 minutes ago, mark clemson said:

If I had to guess, my thought would be he's going to tell her about the pregnancy and gauge her reaction - thus the need for a phone call.

That assumes he's going to be honest with her about that. That is an assumption and I certainly could be wrong.

It's possible, but I think highly unlikely, that he would tell her it's over at the same time. I suspect it's much more likely that if she "caves" and wishes to continue anyhow, he will do so. Right now, in his mind, he probably has no "reason" to quit (other than the distance aspect). I could be wrong about that too, but I suspect not.

It will be interesting to see how he reacts once you eventually reveal that you know about it. Of course "interesting" to me is real life and major implications/life changes to you.

You should be aware that there is a tendency for WS to go strongly one way or the other at a DDay. Some very strongly revert back to wanting their partner, sometimes extremely strongly. Others are well and truly done and choose to leave the marriage no matter what.

So, while this is NOT a recommendation for action one way or another, it's possible that upon revealing you know about the affair, you will "get him back". Particularly if there's no real possibility of him being with the OW. However, there is definitely no guarantee. These are just tendencies and a specific WS's reaction is probably impossible to know in advance.

There is also the question of whether you'd want him back, which is a separate issue.

I believe that, due to the peculiarities of how the psychology of this works, IF he really wants you and to stay married upon discovery, the less interest you show in that, the more strongly he is likely to chase you/want you back. Presumably that works only up to a point for most people. But we see cases where WS really and truly long for their partner back, even if the BS wants nothing to do with them, sometimes lasting years, staying "loyal" past a divorce, etc.

Just to reiterate - I have no recommendation for a specific action based on this. You must decide what you'll do. There is no real way, I believe, to know how a specific WS will react. Reactions way outside the norm sometimes (rarely) can occur too. There is just no predicting.

Hi thank you so much for your post. What you have said really makes sense. I can’t tell him that I know just yet. 

I know I’ve been concentrating on why etc the need for a phonecall and the bottom line of it is that he doesn’t want to lose her and that’s why he’s calling so it can be as genuine as possible. If he didn’t care, and if he were committed to me then her number wouldn’t even be in his phone 

[LaurenEliz]

Just now, LaurenEliz said:

Hi thank you so much for your post. What you have said really makes sense. I can’t tell him that I know just yet. 

I know I’ve been concentrating on why etc the need for a phonecall and the bottom line of it is that he doesn’t want to lose her and that’s why he’s calling so it can be as genuine as possible. If he didn’t care, and if he were committed to me then her number wouldn’t even be in his phone 

Ps I don’t know if it’s a call but he was very specific about it not being over text so assuming it’s a voice message 

[ExpatInItaly]

How long do you plan to pretend you don't know about this, Lauren?

[LaurenEliz]

20 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

How long do you plan to pretend you don't know about this, Lauren?

Pretend I don’t know about what?

[ExpatInItaly]

8 minutes ago, LaurenEliz said:

Pretend I don’t know about what?

Pretend to your husband that you don't know he's still in contact with her, I meant. 

[elaine567]

2 hours ago, LaurenEliz said:

Behind the scenes I’ve been looking up what my potential options are. You’re right I’m just exploring every single avenue as to why he feels he has to say whatever he has to say over a voice message.

These are NOT the options you need to be looking into.
You need to consider what you are going to do if he ups and leaves, if he starts up the whole affair again, if he decides to ignore you and the kids in favour of her, if he decides to take a trip up to where she is staying...
You need to get your ducks in a row. How are you going to cope with two kids and no man?  Do you have family, do you work?
Older guys rarely leave, but younger guys can and do especially if they have two kids they were never totally on board with having in the first place...
A calm life with a single OW that he loves may be more preferable to him than bringing up your kids for the next few decades...
Your head is in the sand, obsessing over trivia when there are plans to be made for you and your kids survival.
He may never leave, but what are you going to do if he does?

[Crazelnut]

LE, some great advice today. You are still in denial. You are focusing on all the wrong things. Why does it matter whether he calls her, texts her, sends it by smoke signals, or whispers it in her ear? He is communicating with her on the sly, and he's in love with her. Please, for your own sake, pull your head out of the sand and focus on yourself. Take control of your own life.  You're giving him all the power here, so don't put YOUR future and your children's futures in the hands of this man. What do YOU want, Lauren?

[stillafool]

This thread sounds exactly like Edith's.  It's incredible.

[mark clemson]

Just FYI, Edith is a BW like yourself. In her case, she simply monitors her husband's ongoing multiple affairs (one "main" one I believe) and tries to assess the extent of his emotional connection to the OW without actually confronting him about it. (Some might say she's in pretty severe denial about the matter.)

Unlike you, she has known for years, not weeks, so IMO comparisons are, at the very least, premature. However, it still might be useful for you to understand a particular path this all might possibly take.

Speaking generally, I think some folks might expect/hope for "action" on a swifter timeline that many OPs are ready for. Preparing for/adjusting to major changes in one's life is not easy at the best of times. The point about not letting things drag out forever is, of course, also a valid one.

Just my opinion, but assessing you as an OW does seem a bit - fanciful. And not particularly kind from your perspective clearly.

Edited July 1, 2020 by mark clemson

[LaurenEliz]

3 minutes ago, mark clemson said:

Just FYI, Edith is a BW like yourself. In her case, she simply monitors her husband's ongoing multiple affairs (one "main" one I believe) and tries to assess the extent of his emotional connection to the OW without actually confronting him about it. (Some might say she's in pretty severe denial about the matter.)

Unlike you, she has known for years, not weeks, so IMO comparisons are, at the very least, premature. However, it still might be useful for you to understand a particular path this all might possibly take.

Speaking generally, I think some folks might expect/hope for "action" on a swifter timeline that many OPs are ready for. Preparing for/adjusting to major changes in one's life is not easy at the best of times. The point about not letting things drag out forever is, of course, also a valid one.

Just my opinion, but assessing you as an OW does seem a bit - fanciful. And not particularly kind from your perspective clearly.

I suffer from anxiety and I tend to concentrate on certain things when maybe I should be concentrating on others. My mental health due to this situation isn’t great and I also have a demanding toddler to deal with, thank you Mark for being kind but these other posters have just been so cruel just because I haven’t ‘got my head out the sand’ when it’s convenient for them. If I was the ow then I’d be happy because I’d be waiting for this message/happy that he kept my number etc etc. Instead in my reality, I’m the heartbroken wife. I’m sorry that Edith has gone through this and I wish her the best. That doesn’t give idiots the right to throw about accusations. Thank you again Mark, you’ve been nothing but lovely, even telling me answers that I don’t want to hear, but you’ve been kind so I’m thankful. 

[Stevnx3]

Sorry this thread is turning south, @LaurenEliz. I do not know who Edith is, although I just read Mark's reply. I get your anxiety with dealing with this. I even understand the desire to ask the same questions over and over again in Hope's of hearing something different.

I too get the need everyone has to see you move forward and past this point ( which I hope that you do ). It is frustrating to see someone done wrong and what seems to be not taking any actions to correct this. However, I do understand you I have  been there and done that!

I do not know if you are the OW or not. I would wager that you are not. In any case this website offers a degree of anonymity, and all we have from thread to thread is someone's side of the story and have to take it at face value, unless something else comes up proving contrary.

[LaurenEliz]

Just now, Stevnx3 said:

Sorry this thread is turning south, @LaurenEliz. I do not know who Edith is, although I just read Mark's reply. I get your anxiety with dealing with this. I even understand the desire to ask the same questions over and over again in Hope's of hearing something different.

I too get the need everyone has to see you move forward and past this point ( which I hope that you do ). It is frustrating to see someone done wrong and what seems to be not taking any actions to correct this. However, I do understand you I have  been there and done that!

I do not know if you are the OW or not. I would wager that you are not. In any case this website offers a degree of anonymity, and all we have from thread to thread is someone's side of the story and have to take it at face value, unless something else comes up proving contrary.

Thank you for being so kind, I came on here because no one else knows. I don’t deserve this. If I was the ow I’d be pleased with this outcome. Instead I’m on here asking the same questions because yes part of me wants a different answer even though I know deep down that my marriage is a mess. Why would I even be on here if I was her? And now, thanks to people’s unkindness, I have nowhere to turn to. So thank you to them. (You’ve been kind though, thank you). 

[Stevnx3]

29 minutes ago, LaurenEliz said:

Thank you for being so kind, I came on here because no one else knows. I don’t deserve this. If I was the ow I’d be pleased with this outcome. Instead I’m on here asking the same questions because yes part of me wants a different answer even though I know deep down that my marriage is a mess. Why would I even be on here if I was her? And now, thanks to people’s unkindness, I have nowhere to turn to. So thank you to them. (You’ve been kind though, thank you). 

Well, I highly encourage you to stick around. Especially if you do have things weighing on you. Take a moment. Absorb everything and relax a little. It can be rough.

Tbh, I do believe that this does happen where an OW pretends to be the wife or whatever looking for answers from a different perspective. Again, I do not believe that you are. Frankly have no way to prove it. This is what I have to go on and what I tend to go with, unless it seems very farfetched.

Edited July 1, 2020 by Stevnx3

[LaurenEliz]

2 minutes ago, Stevnx3 said:

Well, I highly encourage you to stick around. Especially if you do have things weighing on you. Take a moment. Absorb everything and relax a little. It can be rough.

Tbh, I do believe that this does happen where an OW pretends to be the wife or whatever looking for answers from a different perspective. Again, I do not believe that you are. Frankly have no way to prove it. This is what I have to go on and what I tend to go with, unless it seems very farfetched.

I’m aware that my story is one sided but I have told things that I have found embarrassing to tell. Discovering messages once again to this woman isn’t something I’d want to shout about. Also like I said, from previous answers on here, if I was her, I’d have stopped posting by now because I’d be happy with the outcome. I don’t care what people think of me on here but to think I’d do something like that is beyond disgusting. This woman is a home wrecker. It’s my marriage, not hers. Yes I am guilty of sticking my head in the sand I can agree with that. But those other posters are vile and I’m so upset. Thank you again for being nice 

[Stevnx3]

1 minute ago, LaurenEliz said:

I’m aware that my story is one sided but I have told things that I have found embarrassing to tell. Discovering messages once again to this woman isn’t something I’d want to shout about. Also like I said, from previous answers on here, if I was her, I’d have stopped posting by now because I’d be happy with the outcome. I don’t care what people think of me on here but to think I’d do something like that is beyond disgusting. This woman is a home wrecker. It’s my marriage, not hers. Yes I am guilty of sticking my head in the sand I can agree with that. But those other posters are vile and I’m so upset. Thank you again for being nice 

You're fine. I was not specifically singling you out as far as one-side stories. All threads on here are just one sided, well most, like these. Not like your husband is on here counter-arguing what you are telling us. Same goes for anything to varying degrees. 

I feel you. You're hurt. Now you're pissed off. Take a moment. Breathe a little. 

[stillafool]

1 hour ago, LaurenEliz said:

I don’t know who Edith is. But how dare you say I’m the ow. I’m the wife desperately hoping my husband still loves me. f*** off. 

I certainly wasn't implying you are the ow in this.

[LaurenEliz]

9 minutes ago, Stevnx3 said:

You're fine. I was not specifically singling you out as far as one-side stories. All threads on here are just one sided, well most, like these. Not like your husband is on here counter-arguing what you are telling us. Same goes for anything to varying degrees. 

I feel you. You're hurt. Now you're pissed off. Take a moment. Breathe a little. 

I’m hurt and angry but not at you, I’m sorry if it came across if I am. I just find it vile that people can be so cruel to someone who is obviously looking for help and advice. Shame on them 

[Crazelnut]

LE, don't let one person's far-fetched speculation that you're the OW drive you off this site.

And just to reiterate, the Edith reference isn't accusing you of being the OW. Edith is truly a cautionary tale for you. Edith has been monitoring her DH's affairs for years. Literally years. Like you, she is obsessed with whether or not he cares about his AP and whether every little sneeze could be an indicator that he's emotionally attached to AP. In short, an extended version of what you're doing. Edith is miserable. Nobody wants to see you miserable and living like that for the rest of your life.

We know from experience that the only way to deal with this in the long run is to face it head on and accept the situation. It's hard but necessary. 

[Stevnx3]

1 minute ago, LaurenEliz said:

I’m hurt and angry but not at you, I’m sorry if it came across if I am. I just find it vile that people can be so cruel to someone who is obviously looking for help and advice. Shame on them 

...Well, just take a moment, Lauren. It will be alright. On here you will get a lot of varying comments. Just keep it pushing and take it grain by grain. I'd hate to see you go over this. As I am interested in your story and hoping that you get out of your bad marriage, for you and your kids. 

Not bottle it up. If you have no one else to talk to. I get it. But take a step back, and breathe a little.

[Stevnx3]

I'd think that by tomorrow you would have to ability to PM. I could be wrong, but you might. Then you can work things out in private if need be..

I agree with Craze. He is giving you a cautionary tale. Like I said no one wants you to be miserable for life. We want the best for you!

[LaurenEliz]

1 minute ago, Crazelnut said:

LE, don't let one person's far-fetched speculation that you're the OW drive you off this site.

And just to reiterate, the Edith reference isn't accusing you of being the OW. Edith is truly a cautionary tale for you. Edith has been monitoring her DH's affairs for years. Literally years. Like you, she is obsessed with whether or not he cares about his AP and whether every little sneeze could be an indicator that he's emotionally attached to AP. In short, an extended version of what you're doing. Edith is miserable. Nobody wants to see you miserable and living like that for the rest of your life.

We know from experience that the only way to deal with this in the long run is to face it head on and accept the situation. It's hard but necessary. 

No just to be absolutely clear, this has nothing to do with this Edith person @ExpatInItaly said they wouldn’t be surprised if I was the ow. I’m upset because obviously I’m going to take that personally. 

I know I have to deal with this head on and ok maybe I have been secretive with how I’m really handling it. I cry probably every time I post and my anxiety is through the roof. I don’t mean to stick my head in the sand and I know I fixate on things but I’m just trying to work things out for myself because it’s helping my head before I speak to him.

Im going to take a break, thank you for your honesty - I don’t mean to come across like I’m not grateful for it I really am. It’s nice to know I’m getting honesty from somewhere but to be accused of being that woman is too much to handle 

[Crazelnut]

LE, **ONE** person accused you of that. Don't let that pizz you off so much that you don't come back.