Husband kept OW number

[Crazelnut]

LE, stop asking us. What do YOU think? What do YOU want?

I understand that you're pregnant and have a toddler, but that doesn't change the fact that your husband just said he needs another woman. Literally everything we've told you has come true. Did he keep her number because he's not done with her? Yes. Do you think he'll try to contact her again? Yes. And he did. Do you think he still cares about her? Yes, we said. And he admits it. And now we are telling you that he loves her. Why aren't you positively outraged and angry at him and this whole situation? He's the worst kind of cheater!

[d0nnivain]

2 hours ago, LaurenEliz said:

Update: he got back intouch with her. I’m screenshotting everything and I’m going to confront him I’m just trying to think carefully so I’d appreciate it if people didn’t accuse me of sticking my head in the sand. I am pregnant and have a toddler to think about. 

He messaged her yesterday morning saying that he needs to tell her something (this is obviously that I’m pregnant) and he sounds terrified of doing so. She asked him if he still had feelings for her and his response surprised me slightly. My H doesn’t use romantic words ever. He said ‘I think about you every day, you’re special to me and I want you in my life’. 

Would you say that’s a coy response?

You are sticking your head in the sand!  We are thinking of your kids.  You are separately wishing this was all a bad dream.  You are allowing it to continue to your detriment. 

Staying in a marriage where your H treats you like trash teaches your kids that you have no self respect.  If you have a girl, she will grow up without self respect & men will take advantage of her.  If you have a boy, he will grow up thinking that women are disposable & they don't matter.  Are those really the messages you want your children to get?  

Your husband has declared his love & preference for this OW.  There is no place for you in here.  

Nobody is saying being a single parent is easy.  However millions of people do it.  It's time for you to dig deep & function.  

[BaileyB]

3 hours ago, LaurenEliz said:

He messaged her yesterday morning saying that he needs to tell her something (this is obviously that I’m pregnant) and he sounds terrified of doing so. She asked him if he still had feelings for her and his response surprised me slightly. My H doesn’t use romantic words ever. He said ‘I think about you every day, you’re special to me and I want you in my life’. 

I would say that is practically a declaration of love.

And, I wouldn’t make any assumptions. Perhaps, he needs to tell her about your pregnancy. Perhaps, he’s going to tell her that he wants to be with her. Perhaps, it’s both. You have no idea what he is thinking or what he is planning aside from the fact that he has initiated contact with his OW and he has basically told her that he loves her. 

[LaurenEliz]

29 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

I would say that is practically a declaration of love.

And, I wouldn’t make any assumptions. Perhaps, he needs to tell her about your pregnancy. Perhaps, he’s going to tell her that he wants to be with her. Perhaps, it’s both. You have no idea what he is thinking or what he is planning aside from the fact that he has initiated contact with his OW and he has basically told her that he loves her. 

He said he has things he needs to tell her but is too scared to put it in a message incase it doesn’t sound genuine. He said he isn’t happy without her. When asked if he still had feelings for her he said all I know is that you are special to me and I want you in my life. Why hasn’t he told her about the pregnancy yet?

[LaurenEliz]

This is what I don’t understand. He obviously is scared to tell her about the pregnancy incase he loses her. And looking at the messages that were sent yesterday that’s clear. So why doesn’t he just not tell her and get rid of her? Then he won’t have to worry about hurting her?

and for the record I am angry. I’m just trying to deal with this a step at a time 

[Crazelnut]

It. does. not. matter. It doesn't natter WHY he hasn't told her. What matters is that he loves another woman. Deal with that.

[BaileyB]

19 minutes ago, LaurenEliz said:

So why doesn’t he just not tell her and get rid of her? 

Because he doesn’t want to get rid of her...

His last message to her said “I want you in my life.” It doesn’t get any more clear than that, I’m afraid. 

I have a feeling he is trying to get her back, whether that is as his affair partner or more. That’s a discussion he wants to have in person. He will tell her about the pregnancy, when it is convenient for him to do so.

Edited June 26, 2020 by BaileyB

[Stevnx3]

Bailey had Craze are right my friend.

He will not get rid of her. He loves her and has betrayed you. Why, heck, give this enough time, kids or no kids and he will end up in her lap and not yours. He wants her and admits to it being so.

You are currently in the way....an obstacle for the mean time. He does not love you. Frankly, he is a pathetic pos who is undeserving of your wonderfully sweet self. Good you are now angry. Use it and hopefully get rid of him.

You have support around you, and will be fine. Explore what options you may can take advantage of in this situation ( not talking about at fault within the UK my understanding is this isn't so)..

This isn't the love meant for you, in your life.

[Stevnx3]

I personally believe, @LaurenEliz that he will tell her, one day - the right day. That will be the day he can free himself of you and go to her 

[LaurenEliz]

11 minutes ago, Stevnx3 said:

I personally believe, @LaurenEliz that he will tell her, one day - the right day. That will be the day he can free himself of you and go to her 

Hi, it’s nice to hear from you. Thanks, I think I know this. He says he is going to call her when he is out of lockdown (ie away from me) because he wants her to hear that he’s genuine. Would you say him saying she is special to him means he loves her?

[Stevnx3]

2 minutes ago, LaurenEliz said:

Hi, it’s nice to hear from you. Thanks, I think I know this. He says he is going to call her when he is out of lockdown (ie away from me) because he wants her to hear that he’s genuine. Would you say him saying she is special to him means he loves her?

Hi...

I have been waiting for an update from you. I figured you were taking the advice on here to step back and think for a moment, and did not see anything from you yesterday. 

Yes, of course it means he loves her. All of this does. He even uses phrases and words that he never used with you. 

I am sure covid is the worst thing in his life right now. Frankly, a deserved hell for him. But always here to help you! 

Please take the actions you need to take, when this becomes possible.

[LaurenEliz]

2 minutes ago, Stevnx3 said:

Hi...

I have been waiting for an update from you. I figured you were taking the advice on here to step back and think for a moment, and did not see anything from you yesterday. 

Yes, of course it means he loves her. All of this does. He even uses phrases and words that he never used with you. 

I am sure covid is the worst thing in his life right now. Frankly, a deserved hell for him. But always here to help you! 

Please take the actions you need to take, when this becomes possible.

Would you say he’s putting off telling her incase he loses her?

[Stevnx3]

Just now, LaurenEliz said:

Would you say he’s putting off telling her incase he loses her?

Nope. He may be afraid to tell her, but he will tell her. She may not like it. She will like, however, him telling her all these nice words.

She will still accept him, if he leaves you for her. Kinda like an ultimate thrill - I am sure, for her. She can say she pulled him away from you and his two kids. That he loved her more than you.

[LaurenEliz]

Well there have been no messages today. Do you think he’s scared of telling her and that’s why he’s putting it off?

[Stevnx3]

Just now, LaurenEliz said:

Well there have been no messages today. Do you think he’s scared of telling her and that’s why he’s putting it off?

No messages yet.

If he is the guy you are telling us all he is, then yes. 

Again, he may be scared, but his desire and love for this other woman will empower him through that fear. I can give you vegas odds that say she will not leave him because of this. 

Especially with him confessing more of his feelings for her. Like I said, a thrill for her. She isn't innocent and surely knows the lives she is going to destroy. But doesn't care. 

[LaurenEliz]

I’m not sticking my head in the sand or anything but wouldn’t you say his response was abit coy? She asked outright if he still had feelings for her and this was his response:

’all I know is that you’re special to me and I want you in my life’

’I’m not happy without you’

[Stevnx3]

Just now, LaurenEliz said:

I’m not sticking my head in the sand or anything but wouldn’t you say his response was abit coy? She asked outright if he still had feelings for her and this was his response:

’all I know is that you’re special to me and I want you in my life’

’I’m not happy without you’

That's being direct. Nothing coy about it. Think of it like this; more than one way to say I love you. He was very direct with telling her how special she is and being unhappy with her. It is enough

[LaurenEliz]

Just now, Stevnx3 said:

That's being direct. Nothing coy about it. Think of it like this; more than one way to say I love you. He was very direct with telling her how special she is and being unhappy with her. It is enough

You’re right  I guess I just thought when she asked him I thought he would have our right said it but when he said that ‘all he knew was she was special’ when previously he has told her he had fallen for her, I thought maybe his feelings had changed but maybe not if ‘youre Special to me’ is the same thing

 

[BaileyB]

29 minutes ago, LaurenEliz said:

Do you think he’s scared of telling her and that’s why he’s putting it off?

I don’t think he’s scared to tell her about the pregnancy, because I predict he’s also going to tell her that she is the woman he wants - he’s already said as much. 

Lauren, you do not want to stay married to a man who is in love with another woman. Yes, you have children together but you need to have some self respect. This is not your great love, it hasn’t been since the very beginning. You’ve had two children with a man who loves another woman. That’s the sad reality here.

You want to be with a man who chooses you. A man who gives you his whole heart and is faithful to you and your family. This is not your man. He has demonstrated by his words and actions that he is not your man. And wishing and hoping that it was different isn’t going to make it so. I’m sorry, but you need to understand - a man who loves you doesn’t behave in this way. Don’t settle for any less... if he wants to be with this other woman, he should be with her. Staying in a marriage that he does not want is not going to bring either one of you long term happiness.

Edited June 26, 2020 by BaileyB

[Stevnx3]

18 minutes ago, LaurenEliz said:

You’re right  I guess I just thought when she asked him I thought he would have our right said it but when he said that ‘all he knew was she was special’ when previously he has told her he had fallen for her, I thought maybe his feelings had changed but maybe not if ‘youre Special to me’ is the same thing

 

Yes, same thing is not more so. He is blind to you and the hurt he is causing you and his eyes are open to her alone. Shameful. He is pathetic.

[mark clemson]

55 minutes ago, Stevnx3 said:

Frankly, he is a pathetic pos who is undeserving of your wonderfully sweet self.

Hmmm. Interesting characterizations of people you only know through internet posts (and coming from only one side at that).

He fell in love with someone else (apparently). These things DO happen. Maybe he went looking for it, maybe not. Maybe he was a GREAT husband up until this happened, dunno.

Is what he doing right now fair or right? Absolutely not. Has he therefore always been garbage as a person? Well, the OP married him. Has she always been a stellar and "wonderfully sweet" wife? No one here has any true idea. (Although he DID marry HER as well.)

Is it possible to help someone without projecting a little? Probably not. But being all "judgy" reflects as much on the person themselves as they one they are "judging" IMO.

[Stevnx3]

Just now, mark clemson said:

Hmmm. Interesting characterizations of people you only know through internet posts (and coming from only one side at that).

He fell in love with someone else (apparently). These things DO happen. Maybe he went looking for it, maybe not. Maybe he was a GREAT husband up until this happened, dunno.

Is what he doing right now fair or right? Absolutely not. Has he therefore always been garbage as a person? Well, the OP married him. Has she always been a stellar and "wonderfully sweet" wife? No one here has any true idea. (Although he DID marry HER as well.)

Is it possible to help someone without projecting a little? Probably not. But being all "judgy" reflects as much on the person themselves as they one they are "judging" IMO.

No, he is a pos. 😉

And all we have are her posts and her side of the story. You feel sorry for him and want us to be delicate with words, and he is tearing apart Lauren. No thanks. You can have your opinion. I'll stick with mine

[LaurenEliz]

3 minutes ago, mark clemson said:

Hmmm. Interesting characterizations of people you only know through internet posts (and coming from only one side at that).

He fell in love with someone else (apparently). These things DO happen. Maybe he went looking for it, maybe not. Maybe he was a GREAT husband up until this happened, dunno.

Is what he doing right now fair or right? Absolutely not. Has he therefore always been garbage as a person? Well, the OP married him. Has she always been a stellar and "wonderfully sweet" wife? No one here has any true idea. (Although he DID marry HER as well.)

Is it possible to help someone without projecting a little? Probably not. But being all "judgy" reflects as much on the person themselves as they one they are "judging" IMO.

Hi, thanks. It’s ok I can openly admit we haven’t been happy for a long time. Yes he married me but I think he probably wished he had met her first. If he loved me he wouldn’t have kept her number let alone been in contact with her. I can admit he clearly has strong feelings for her 

[elaine567]

13 minutes ago, mark clemson said:

Maybe he was a GREAT husband up until this happened, dunno.

No

On 6/17/2020 at 2:22 PM, LaurenEliz said:

We have never been ‘great’ - but we have always just gone along and marriage was the next step etc.

 

[HadMeOverABarrel]

5 hours ago, LaurenEliz said:

I’d appreciate it if people didn’t accuse me of sticking my head in the sand.

Lauren, It seems you are starting to accept that he is truly interested in pursuing her and has his emotions invested. That acknowledgement is a good step towards getting resolution. The part where you have your head in the sand now is continuing to look to him for answers and solutions when you should empower yourself by deciding what you want and how you will achieve it. Part of that includes your response to him refusing to end his involvement with her (based on his actions not words)...will you carry on in the marriage turning a blind eye or will you takes steps to exit the marriage? Come to terms with the fact he may not end things with her so you can get clear on your next course of action in that event. Definitely get clear on that (and perhaps where you stand on the whole situation) before confronting him.

Otherwise you'll be like a leaf turning in the wind at his mercy...appeased with whatever he says but with no real changes. That results in him continuing to be in the driver's seat, and he'll continue to do what he wants when he wants. He's already shown you he shouldn't be in the driver seat because he makes irresponsible decisions. Time for you to step up!

Another thing for you to address within yourself is that your idea of what marriage and family look like is not matching up with your reality. There's nothing wrong with that fantasy you envisioned (probably even since you were a little girl), but be cautious about trying to force this situation into that fantasy...because it will blur your cognitive recognition of what's actually happening. You need to see things very clearly to make the best possible decisions for you and your kids. 

Again, it's worth repeating, he will either cut contact with her or not. Based on what you've described, I think he will not, but he will do a better job hiding it from you going forward after you confront him.

Kindly, you can't cherry pick the sort of advice you receive here. People will post what they like so long as it conforms to the forum guidelines. Based on my experience, most people are well-meaning even when views differ. My advice to you is well-meaning, too.  Hope you will continue to have an open mind and be willing to seriously consider what everyone is saying here. If so, you will benefit a lot from the advice. I certainly have.

5 hours ago, LaurenEliz said:

She asked him if he still had feelings for her and his response surprised me slightly. My H doesn’t use romantic words ever. He said ‘I think about you every day, you’re special to me and I want you in my life’. 

Would you say that’s a coy response?

^^^^Another case in point illustrating how your focus is currently misplaced. I suggest shifting your focus to questions like these: What does Lauren want? How will Lauren achieve this? What consequences will Lauren set? What is Lauren prepared to do to put her needs/wishes first? What is Lauren willing to accept, or not accept, if husband refuses to give up OW?

Edited June 26, 2020 by HadMeOverABarrel