Husband kept OW number

[mark clemson]

While I don't advise people to divorce, this IS an infidelity situation, and one that clearly bothers you, and IIRC apparently the marriage was never that great (for either of you) in the first place.

One possible course of action you could consider would be to gather your strength, figure out some options for becoming self-supporting as a single mom, and then start the process to leave the marriage.

Possibly, he would make a generous divorce settlement in order to be free with the option to chase his OW. If it turned out the grass wasn't actually greener, the generous divorce agreement would remain in effect.

Something to think about...

[LaurenEliz]

Hi all, I don’t know how to post my original story but I have posted on here before. 
To cut a long story short my H kept his AP number. 
What I wanted to ask was this - 

if it was actually over between them, wouldn’t he delete that link to her and could it be possible that he is just laying low for the time being (I think I’ve almost caught him messaging her, for example a couple of weeks ago I am 90% sure I almost caught him) and there has been no contact between them for only three weeks but that’s the time between when I almost caught him and now. 
do you think he still keeps it to continue things with her?

[FMW]

Keeping someone's number means you think you might want to use it again.

I'm sorry, I know that's not what you want to hear, but I think posting here means you already know why he still has the number.  

The only question is what are you going to do about it?

[stillafool]

What did your husband say when you asked him why he still has his affair partner's phone number?

[LaurenEliz]

5 minutes ago, FMW said:

Keeping someone's number means you think you might want to use it again.

I'm sorry, I know that's not what you want to hear, but I think posting here means you already know why he still has the number.  

The only question is what are you going to do about it?

Please don’t apologise I came on here for honesty..

right now I don’t know what I’m going to do I’d rather clear my head first before approaching anything. 
 

the difference between laying low with her and it being over would be the deletion of the number right?

[LaurenEliz]

2 minutes ago, stillafool said:

What did your husband say when you asked him why he still has his affair partner's phone number?

Hi, he doesn’t know I know he kept it 

[stillafool]

You should have brought this up as soon as you found it to let him know that you won't tolerate him cheating again and now you don't trust him.  If you don't reveal what you know and make a stand expect him to cheat again.  Yes he kept the number because he knows he will want to call her again.

[LaurenEliz]

You’re right, there’s zero reason for keeping it otherwise is there

[Crazelnut]

Lauren, this is exactly what you asked in the other thread. The answers aren't going to change. He kept it because he still has some emotional tie to her. Read that again: emotional tie to HER. So we ask the same question of you -- what are you going to do about it? Clearly, it's eating at you. Sooner or later, you're going to have to deal with it.

[LaurenEliz]

10 minutes ago, Crazelnut said:

Lauren, this is exactly what you asked in the other thread. The answers aren't going to change. He kept it because he still has some emotional tie to her. Read that again: emotional tie to HER. So we ask the same question of you -- what are you going to do about it? Clearly, it's eating at you. Sooner or later, you're going to have to deal with it.

Hi, nice to hear from you. What is the difference between him laying low with her and it actually being over? Is it getting rid of any sort of way to communicate with her?

[mark clemson]

Hi, Lauren -  recall your OP quite clearly. How's the new baby doing?

I think you've done the smart thing so far, but no one should have to put up with infidelity on an extended basis.

IF you've decided it's now safe to broach this issue and either have him end whatever this is or leave (or both) then again suggest you be careful/smart about it and ensure you and your child have a solid plan/parachute ready.

[LaurenEliz]

3 minutes ago, mark clemson said:

Hi, Lauren -  recall your OP quite clearly. How's the new baby doing?

I think you've done the smart thing so far, but no one should have to put up with infidelity on an extended basis.

IF you've decided it's now safe to broach this issue and either have him end whatever this is or leave (or both) then again suggest you be careful/smart about it and ensure you and your child have a solid plan/parachute ready.

Hi mark. Nice to hear from you and hope you’re well. 
baby is doing well thank you for asking!

i know I need to approach the topic but before I do, I just need to set straight in my mind that that number is there for a reason.

whats your take on the difference between laying low and it actually being over between them? My answer is the deletion of the number but keen to hear your take

[mark clemson]

I honestly don't know. I think it's reasonable that keeping the # COULD be for possible future reference. Whether possible future reference means "only if you suddenly and unexpectedly die" or "as soon as possible" is anyone's guess IMO. Sorry I couldn't be of more help, but figuring out someone else's actual motives is always challenging - just a best guess.

It's possible he is just keeping it as a "keepsake" or similar, but given that's it's a phone number I think that's pretty unlikely.

IF you're planning on divorcing, hope you've consulted an attorney on what the broad parameters of the outcome are likely to look like, how you will support yourself, etc.

GL...

[stillafool]

Why can't you just ask him why he still has her number?  He has the answer.

[LaurenEliz]

Because I’m trying to get it straight in my head first. Sorry. That’s just how I deal with things. 

[Wiseman2]

On 6/17/2020 at 9:22 AM, LaurenEliz said:

in December 2017 I found all these messages on his phone between the two of them. It was obvious they shared a deep personal connection, I can’t deny that  he used words in those messages he has never used with me.

one of the messages I saw from her to him was I’m sorry but I can’t be in your life anymore if you have another baby. im now pregnant and discovered the phone number in his phone. 

Sorry to hear this. Is she a coworker or ex GF? Do they still see each other? If he has her number, unfortunately they are still talking.

[stillafool]

6 minutes ago, LaurenEliz said:

Because I’m trying to get it straight in my head first. Sorry. That’s just how I deal with things. 

It has been months and you are still afraid to confront him with this.  Is it because you are afraid he will leave you if you do?

[LaurenEliz]

5 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry to hear this. Is she a coworker or ex GF? Do they still see each other? If he has her number, unfortunately they are still talking.

They worked on a project but they don’t work for the same company. Yes that’s how i feel because it would be very easy to delete it otherwise? Also, you don’t just keep a number for no reason

[usa1ah]

What do you need from LS?

 

He cheated on you months ago and has been back in contact three weeks ago. 
 

Break up and find someone that isn’t him. 

[usa1ah]

1 hour ago, LaurenEliz said:

Because I’m trying to get it straight in my head first. Sorry. That’s just how I deal with things. 

He is still in contact means he is still cheating. 

[Crazelnut]

Has he told her about the new baby? 

[LaurenEliz]

7 minutes ago, Crazelnut said:

Has he told her about the new baby? 

That’s the other thing. He hasn’t! I confided in my friend about this and she said he hasn’t told her incase he loses her

[LaurenEliz]

10 minutes ago, usa1ah said:

He is still in contact means he is still cheating. 

They haven’t been in contact for three weeks. Which I know isn’t a long time but that’s why I’m asking on here whether he is just lying low or it’s over 

[LaurenEliz]

12 minutes ago, usa1ah said:

What do you need from LS?

 

He cheated on you months ago and has been back in contact three weeks ago. 
 

Break up and find someone that isn’t him. 

I’m asking on ls this - if he’s gone quiet with her because it’s over or is he just laying low 

[Miss Spider]

3 hours ago, LaurenEliz said:

do you think he still keeps it to continue things with her?

Yup