Divorce after 18 years

[emprosnet7]

On 4/14/2021 at 7:56 AM, Wiseman2 said:

Do you mean she wants to meet sooner than you do?

I am sorry I misspelled impatient. To answer all the questions, she is impatient in general as a character.

She lives in another country (must take two planes to come here) and has two kids.

She will be coming to my country this summer, (she comes every year anyway) so we can meet. The kids are at school now and she cannot come to me.

On the other hand,  I could go there... Should I ? 

I agree she is a stranger, but because of the distance, we video chat and take some time to know each other, how is that bad?

She is wiling to relocate if we get along together, as I can not because of work. She has a allowance that can support her even without working, problem is that kids have 4 more years to go to school.

 

[hhy]

This is my first marriage forum after 21 years of marriage.

After reading from the beginning to the end of this thread, I can only offer this (what I wrote to a gentleman who entitled his post "Learn from my mistake". His post however had a lot of replies with abbreviations, so it was a bit hard to follow, and I found this site that seems more my speed.)

May I offer the same?

1. Falling in love is easy compared to a commitment that requires you to put someone else before you.

2. if you can't do that (ie. commit, which does not sound like your issue), forget about kids (again this does not apply to you).  These are 1st principles I'm listing.

3. if you are at all unsure of your absolute love and devotion to the person whom you are with, no amount of unconditional love will make the relationship work.  Another words, sorry to be so dramatic, would you lay down your life for this person/spouse/partner, and would you trust this person with your life?  If not, think twice. Marriage is hard enough without these convictions, if you want to go the distance. I'm not sure if I have more to add to this.

4. If you don't know yourself, what you like, need and want, it would be hard to identify the person to whom you should commit. All this takes time, and still there is no guarantees, except you can't change anyone. That is a 1st principle. When you truly understand that, just as it is hard to break a personality trait within yourself, you can't expect others to do what you have a hard time doing yourself.  So the alternative is to hope love or come to need that person enough to love them completely: the good, bad and everything, and through LOVE, transform the union between you two for the better. It has to be a two way street, not all of the time, at the same time, but ultimately you both have got to want it more than divorce, or your righteous selves.

5. and sadly sometimes, no matter how one tries, you can't hold back the tides...a truce, a little space, a separation, time apart is what is needed.

6. Know thy self.

7. to thine self be true. sorry for any typos. Hope for my first post on my first marriage forum...this may help in the future, if not the present.

I have known my husband for 29 years, friends for 3 years, dated for 4, married for 21.5 years.  We have a 20, 18 and 16 y.o. and my 82 y.o. mother who lives in my back guest house. We are completely devoted to family but perhaps at a detriment to our own relationship. He is not overtly affectionate, he is catholic and I was not raised with religion, and am extremely affectionate.  It is very hard for me personally to put my need for affection and consideration ahead of the family unit and that is why I have overlooked it for sometime. When I say to thy self be true, it is very hard to be selfless, when basic needs are not met, so this is why I have come on this forum.

No one said marriage/life or relationships are easy. But as I read more and more of Nicholas Sparks books, these are some of his quotes: in any relationship, you have to have "the 4-As: Attention, Appreciation, Affection and Attraction".

"The fact is the grass is greener, where it is watered." 

"I have learned, for instance, that while wounds can be inflicted easily upon those we love, it's often much more difficult to heal them. Yet the process of healing those wounds provided the richest experience of my life, leading me to believe that while I've often overestimated what I could accomplish in a day, I had underestimated what I could do in a year.  But most of all, I learned that it's possible for two people to fall in love all over again, even when there's been a lifetime of disappointment between them."

This last quote gives me hope, though I sit here still unsure if I can tolerate for another half of my life the lack of understanding, and affection my husband lacks for me.

I can only take things now a step at a time, and maybe with some perspective, I will learn to accept there will be good days and bad.  Even though, in spite of myself, it seems like I can't help avoiding the bad even after all these years.  Yet, I have been told I am overly sensitive, perfectionistic, and so on so forth.

Hope this might allow some perspective for others, as I truly appreciate being able to share here. Have taken effort to make sure my words flow and that this is an easy read.

Peace.

5:55pm

[emprosnet7]

6 hours ago, emprosnet7 said:

I am sorry I misspelled impatient. To answer all the questions, she is impatient in general as a character.

She lives in another country (must take two planes to come here) and has two kids.

She will be coming to my country this summer, (she comes every year anyway) so we can meet. The kids are at school now and she cannot come to me.

On the other hand,  I could go there... Should I ? 

I agree she is a stranger, but because of the distance, we video chat and take some time to know each other, how is that bad?

She is wiling to relocate if we get along together, as I can not because of work. She has a allowance that can support her even without working, problem is that kids have 4 more years to go to school.

 

Schools close on May, so I hope around June we can meet

[Wiseman2]

8 hours ago, emprosnet7 said:

.She lives in another country (must take two planes to come here) and has two kids.

She will be coming to my country this summer, (she comes every year anyway) so we can meet. 

Ok make it a fun get-together. However keep things in perspective that this is, at most, 

 a vacation fling for her.

Have fun but date locally when you're ready to get serious.

Edited April 16, 2021 by Wiseman2

[emprosnet7]

On 4/16/2021 at 1:34 PM, Wiseman2 said:

Ok make it a fun get-together. However keep things in perspective that this is, at most, 

 a vacation fling for her.

Have fun but date locally when you're ready to get serious.

What if local sucks? Would you settle for less?

Edited April 18, 2021 by emprosnet7

[d0nnivain]

On 4/15/2021 at 9:42 PM, emprosnet7 said:

I agree she is a stranger, but because of the distance, we video chat and take some time to know each other, how is that bad?

She is wiling to relocate if we get along together, as I can not because of work. She has a allowance that can support her even without working, problem is that kids have 4 more years to go to school.

Video chatting is good but it's no substitute for real life interactions.  When she visits your country this summer, that is when the clock starts.  Until you meet in person, nothing that came before counts.  

The fact that she is already talking about moving to a new country to be with a man (you) that she has never met is a GIANT red flag.  You would be best to pay attention.  This is way more than impatient -- it's down right nutty. 

 

 

8 minutes ago, emprosnet7 said:

What if local sucks? Would you settle for less?

You don't have to settle but you can't possibly know every woman within a 30 mile radius of you.  Try to be more open minded about local women without lowering your standards.  

[emprosnet7]

2 hours ago, d0nnivain said:

Video chatting is good but it's no substitute for real life interactions.  When she visits your country this summer, that is when the clock starts.  Until you meet in person, nothing that came before counts.  

The fact that she is already talking about moving to a new country to be with a man (you) that she has never met is a GIANT red flag.  You would be best to pay attention.  This is way more than impatient -- it's down right nutty. 

 

 

You don't have to settle but you can't possibly know every woman within a 30 mile radius of you.  Try to be more open minded about local women without lowering your standards.  

Your input is valuable, thank you very much. About "moving to a new country to be with a man" is not correct. She is staying and working in my country for many years. It is during the summers and holidays in her country that does so. She knows everything about my country and the language. If it wasn't for the kids, she would be there. She has personal reasons other that me to leave her country. Has to do with abuse. She is ok now.  That is also a reason that she wants a man from here. Had an affair here that did not work.

Her kids are 15 and 13, the younger one does not speak my language, the older one does, so that is the reason that she had not relocated yet. She will surely do that in 4-5 years, despite me wanting her or not.  The issue is that I don't know if I could wait for that long for a full relationship. One solution would be, that the young kid could learn the language and go to school here. That does not seem to be the case at the moment.

[d0nnivain]

It's not about the country or the language barrier. It's the idea that she would bring up re-location to a man she doesn't know that it the problem.  If she wants to move because she wants to move, she should move.  To mention you as a possible reason for her move is troubling.   She sounds co-dependent & afraid to be alone.  

You aren't going to listen to me.  I can tell by what you are posting how you defend her against my observation.

I think you have said that you have been talking on line since about August 2020.  When she shows up in June you will fall into bed with each other.  By the time summer's over & she'd normally go back home you will justify something foolish like living together so she doesn't have to leave.  You will delude yourself by claiming you have been together for 1 year -- August 2020 to August 2021 when in reality you will have only known each other for a 60-90 days counting from when you met.  You will be living with a stranger & supporting her kids.  In a few more weeks the bloom will be off the rose & you will find all sorts of annoying habits that get under your skin but by then immigration will be involved & this will be one big giant nightmare that you rushed into without properly getting to know each other 1st.

I wish you the best but honestly I think you are rushing in blind & that is going to get you in trouble     

[emprosnet7]

43 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

It's not about the country or the language barrier. It's the idea that she would bring up re-location to a man she doesn't know that it the problem.  If she wants to move because she wants to move, she should move.  To mention you as a possible reason for her move is troubling.   She sounds co-dependent & afraid to be alone.  

You aren't going to listen to me.  I can tell by what you are posting how you defend her against my observation.

I think you have said that you have been talking on line since about August 2020.  When she shows up in June you will fall into bed with each other.  By the time summer's over & she'd normally go back home you will justify something foolish like living together so she doesn't have to leave.  You will delude yourself by claiming you have been together for 1 year -- August 2020 to August 2021 when in reality you will have only known each other for a 60-90 days counting from when you met.  You will be living with a stranger & supporting her kids.  In a few more weeks the bloom will be off the rose & you will find all sorts of annoying habits that get under your skin but by then immigration will be involved & this will be one big giant nightmare that you rushed into without properly getting to know each other 1st.

I wish you the best but honestly I think you are rushing in blind & that is going to get you in trouble     

I think that you are confused. Firstly I said May 2021, not August 2020. Secondly, there in no immigration. We are part of the EU. We both don't want marriage either. But you are right that I am exited.  I must realize that it may take years to succeed.

[d0nnivain]

On 8/23/2020 at 12:00 PM, emprosnet7 said:

I am talking to a lady online for a couple of days, she has two kids, divorced like me. We live in different cities

You posted this last August which is where I got the August date from.  

 

On 8/24/2020 at 4:57 PM, emprosnet7 said:

We talked on the phone with the lady and she is great. She is very independent, working from an early age and has her own company. Also has two kids of her own. 

She is not looking to get married or to have more kids. That is something that I want. In the distant future we could live together.

This more careful read shows that you too are on this fast train to cohabitation without ever having met.  A recipe for Disaster.  

 

 

 

On 4/13/2021 at 2:42 AM, emprosnet7 said:

I am going to meet a wonderful lady in the Summer. We have been talking every day from Sun, Mar 28, 2021.  We connected from a dating site. We have regular video calls and we both don't believe this is happening. The signs are very good, she is like an opposite of my ex wife. Her only downside I would say is that she is inpatient. 

Your update referred to this woman who sounds a lot like the woman you have been talking about since last August.  You mention daily conversations so I assumed that was an escalation from less frequent communication but is still too much & over the top for someone who you have not yet met in real life. 

If it's a different woman than the one mentioned in the prior 2 threads I quoted above then you need to see the pattern here.  You go too fast with every new woman.  

 

27 minutes ago, emprosnet7 said:

I think that you are confused. Firstly I said May 2021, not August 2020. Secondly, there in no immigration. We are part of the EU. We both don't want marriage either. But you are right that I am exited.  I must realize that it may take years to succeed.

You can't have been talking since May 2012 as it's only April 2021.  I assume that is a typo for March.  Anyway, the EU status isn't the issue.  It's the moving.  If you were in the US & wanted to change states, I'd give you the same caution.  This is a BAD idea.  

Again if she wants to move because she wants to move, great let her move.  But for either of you to be talking about living together or relocating before you even meet is foolhardy.  I wish you the best but from what you post & where  I sit your head is full of romantic dreams born of loneliness, Covid, a broken heart after your failed marriage & a complete disregard for any practicalities.  

[emprosnet7]

9 hours ago, d0nnivain said:

You posted this last August which is where I got the August date from.  

 

This more careful read shows that you too are on this fast train to cohabitation without ever having met.  A recipe for Disaster.  

 

 

 

Your update referred to this woman who sounds a lot like the woman you have been talking about since last August.  You mention daily conversations so I assumed that was an escalation from less frequent communication but is still too much & over the top for someone who you have not yet met in real life. 

If it's a different woman than the one mentioned in the prior 2 threads I quoted above then you need to see the pattern here.  You go too fast with every new woman.  

 

You can't have been talking since May 2012 as it's only April 2021.  I assume that is a typo for March.  Anyway, the EU status isn't the issue.  It's the moving.  If you were in the US & wanted to change states, I'd give you the same caution.  This is a BAD idea.  

Again if she wants to move because she wants to move, great let her move.  But for either of you to be talking about living together or relocating before you even meet is foolhardy.  I wish you the best but from what you post & where  I sit your head is full of romantic dreams born of loneliness, Covid, a broken heart after your failed marriage & a complete disregard for any practicalities.  

Yes that would be March, not May. I think you have a point there. I will return after the Summer or earlier for an update..

[d0nnivain]

If you take your time & get to know each other in person you may have something.  I just worry when people rush into things.  

[emprosnet7]

On 4/19/2021 at 4:51 PM, d0nnivain said:

If you take your time & get to know each other in person you may have something.  I just worry when people rush into things.  

This is another update that I did not want or expect but I guess I have to learn the hard way. After talking a lot with the woman I was about to meet in the summer, she reviled to me that she has borderline Personality Disorder (BPD). [So the whole thing turned out to be a failure. I told her not to come]. It is something that she admitted to me after I was seeing signs of "not normal behavior and the things she told me. These include: 

Self-harm (cutting, self-injury, etc.), Promiscuity and unsafe sex, Alcoholism, Binge eating and/or starvation, Reckless driving, Severe Mood Swings.

I believe there are more..

The most important thing is that she refuses treatment and believes that a man is going to be the cure for her problems. A man that will have to wait 5-6 years for her to relocate to my country. One thing I have learnt from my marriage is that you can not change a person. 

 

 

 

[Marc878]

Good smart move on your part.

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, emprosnet7 said:

Self-harm (cutting, self-injury, etc.), Promiscuity and unsafe sex, Alcoholism, Binge eating and/or starvation, Reckless driving, Severe Mood Swings.

Run 👟👟

[d0nnivain]

Don't view it as a failure.  Rather you now understand that you can't change a person.  You cut this off before getting involved.  You paid attention to the serious red flags & you recognized when things did add up.  Knowing when you bail, I call that a success even if it didn't result in a new relationship.  

[emprosnet7]

On 5/18/2021 at 11:23 PM, d0nnivain said:

Don't view it as a failure.  Rather you now understand that you can't change a person.  You cut this off before getting involved.  You paid attention to the serious red flags & you recognized when things did add up.  Knowing when you bail, I call that a success even if it didn't result in a new relationship.  

 

On 5/18/2021 at 9:24 PM, Wiseman2 said:

Run 👟👟

I don't want to go into details because it freaks me out just thinking about it. These people with BPD are from 2 to 5% of the population. They appear responsive and seductive at first so that you fall for them. They can be functional and work. They use all sorts of manipulation. It is the illness that causes this behavior and I think that genetics plays a role in this. It is terrible that we, as society, leave these people untreated. They cause harm not only to themselves but to others in their path, who don't have a clue about this illness and don't know how to respond to them. It is strange that although she has this dangerous behavior, she told me the truth that she has BPD and what she went through in her life. I had to dig with a lot of questions to get there of course. If I didn't I would have thought that she is just wonderful.  She is a poor soul an heart and victim of abuse and some men might fall for this as they might think they can save them. But since they refuse treatment, they will only drug you with them in misery.

[emprosnet7]

Hi,

a second online encounter with an abused woman ! 

Ι guess there are many abused women out there. She sent me the first message, she saw me in a facebook group about parenting.

First woman was abused at a age 17 and for a year but she also had epilepsy from the age of 11-12. This resulted in a borderline personality disorder. 

This second woman, same age 42 (!) was sex. abused as a child, got married at 17, divorced at 23, one child 20 years old.

Her symptoms are two: Bulimia and speaking with a childish voice. I mean her voice is child-like but she also makes it child-like with intention to be playful and naughty.

She also said that she feels like a kid (immature emotionally). I am googling to find what this condition is called but can not find it.

Other than that, she works 7 days per week. She does NOT have the issues that the first woman had (self harm, alcohol, risky behavior) as she told me she can not stand pain. Weirdly enough they both dislike medicine. The second one did she a doctor once but not a psychologist because she has also trust issues with the doctors so she saw a family doctor (pathologist). I am going to ask if she had other issues just to make sure.

She is not a local woman so chances are we will not meet.

Although she is fun to talk to, like talking to a little girl ! I am sure she is not faking it as she has profile pictures of her and her son !!

I don't want to sound cruel but this is not what I expect from a future partner. !!

 

 

 

 

Edited June 13, 2021 by emprosnet7
syntax

[mark clemson]

16 hours ago, emprosnet7 said:

I don't want to sound cruel but this is not what I expect from a future partner.

Indeed. Keep looking and GL! 🙂

[Blind-Sided]

On 6/13/2021 at 2:35 AM, emprosnet7 said:

I don't want to sound cruel but this is not what I expect from a future partner. !!

No... it's not what you want if you aren't just looking for sex. 

Why are you looking so intently on line, and at women who aren't local?  Why aren't you looking local, and in real life?   I know it can be hard sometimes... but after my divorce... I found that my female friends were a great help in introducing me to others.  

[emprosnet7]

On 6/14/2021 at 2:31 PM, Blind-Sided said:

No... it's not what you want if you aren't just looking for sex. 

Why are you looking so intently on line, and at women who aren't local?  Why aren't you looking local, and in real life?   I know it can be hard sometimes... but after my divorce... I found that my female friends were a great help in introducing me to others.  

My social circle is close to zero. Living for years in a village. I have zero female friends and only one good male friend who is 65 years old. Ex wife made sure we spend most of hour time with her relatives. Just before divorce we finally found a couple we could go out together as couples. 

In the big cities singles or divorced people have gatherings the can meet in person, but not in my island. 

Online dating does not seem to work here. Women don't really believe in it and think that all men are perverts.  

There are no good activities going on here either. Most of them are from locals that have already connected and are not friendly to non locales like me. (I am not a native here).

[emprosnet7]

On 4/16/2021 at 1:34 PM, Wiseman2 said:

Ok make it a fun get-together. However keep things in perspective that this is, at most, 

 a vacation fling for her.

Have fun but date locally when you're ready to get serious.

I guess that it did not take long to prove you right, that is exactly what happend. Dating locally from now on.