Divorce after 18 years

[emprosnet7]

Hello, I am in a very bad shape psychologically

My wife is asking for divorce after 18 years.

The most important things right now are the two kids, 17 and 13 years old. Mostly I am concerned with the young one and how it will effect her.

Long story short I am 46 years old. My story is that I am an only child from a divorced family and never met my father actually.

So my dream was to create my own family so I avoided short-term sexual relationships.

When I got the chance I got married and had two kids. 

We don't have affairs outside our marriage but our relationship has deteriorated through the years.

I always felt like a second citizen in the marriage. As my psychologist told me in the sessions "You were to soft".

You should hold your ground and not give in. But when the kids came that brought so much joy in my life I accepted a lot of things.

Always taking care of the family spending thousands on cars, house, trips etc.

I fell betrayed because I had to put up with a nasty behaviour that I call "the punching bag". 

Decisions are made without my consent that affect us financially since my wage had a big haircut because of economic crisis.

My wishes are ignored because they may upset her mother but interfere with the uprising of our kids etc.

When I put my own mother aside for the sake of my family, she put my aside for the sake of her mother...

 

 

 

 

[Marc878]

Well you taught her how she could treat you and became worthless in her eyes. Now you’ve been discarded.
 

If you want to know the full truth go online and check your phone bill. 
 

Nothing you can do about your past behavior but you can work on your future.

download and read thoroughly “No More Mr Nice Guy” by glover. It’s a free pdf and short.

It'll do you a lot of good if you apply it.

Going forward cut off all unnecessary contact. Keep everything separate. Holidays, birthdays, etc. you have your time, she has hers. Nothing in between. Never answer her phone calls, only communicate by text or email, children business only. Never enter her home or allow her into yours. In essence you learn to ignore.

Shell like most want to do the “friends” thingy. Possibly guilt trip you “do it for the kids”. Nope, this is all for her. She doesn’t give a damn about you or the kids.

If you can wake up to reality you’ll be fine. If not you’ll continue to be treated poorly only because you allow it. That is entirely up to you. No one else.

[schlumpy]

There is a program called the 180 and you would be the perfect candidate for it because it's going to take a while for you to get yourself together. You can find it on the Chump lady's website. It won't save your marriage but it just might save you.

I read resentment but not anger in your words. How is it that anger is missing? You have done so much for her and the kids and you've been taken for granted and now your wife wants you out of the way. I think being angry is the only thing that will protect you. Otherwise the conditioning you've received during your marriage will automatically victimize you.

Your first job is to find a good attorney and follow their advice. Get your financial accounts frozen so she can't spend you into oblivion. Cut the best deal you can. Remove yourself as much as possible from the influence of your soon-to-be EX wife. Don't let her use the kids as leverage. Record any future conversations you have with. She does not have your best interests at heart.

I'm sorry you are in this position but with a little righteous anger to motivate you there should be a future for you that is worth striving for. 

Good luck

 

 

 

 

[Marc878]

32 minutes ago, emprosnet7 said:

Hello, I am in a very bad shape psychologically

My wife is asking for divorce after 18 years.

Let her go

The most important things right now are the two kids, 17 and 13 years old. Mostly I am concerned with the young one and how it will effect her.

All you can do is control your end

Quote

Long story short I am 46 years old. My story is that I am an only child from a divorced family and never met my father actually.

So my dream was to create my own family so I avoided short-term sexual relationships.

When I got the chance I got married and had two kids. 

We don't have affairs outside our marriage but our relationship has deteriorated through the years.

You dont know this for sure. Wives don’t normally dump their husbands unless they have a boyfriend waiting. Check your phone bill

I always felt like a second citizen in the marriage. As my psychologist told me in the sessions "You were to soft".

Why did you allow this?

You should hold your ground and not give in. But when the kids came that brought so much joy in my life I accepted a lot of things.

Always taking care of the family spending thousands on cars, house, trips etc.

I fell betrayed because I had to put up with a nasty behaviour that I call "the punching bag". 

Nope you didn’t have to put up with nasty behavior. You only allowed and enabled it

Decisions are made without my consent that affect us financially since my wage had a big haircut because of economic crisis.

You allowed it

My wishes are ignored because they may upset her mother but interfere with the uprising of our kids etc.

You allowed it

When I put my own mother aside for the sake of my family, she put my aside for the sake of her mother...

You allowed it

 

 

 

You are only a chump if you allow it. Kids learn most from their parents. What did you think you were teaching them? What do you think they see in their father. Would you want them to be like you?
 

You can’t go back but the Calvary isn’t coming to save you. Right now you get strong stay there and take charge of your life. It’s totally up to you. Anyone can do this. Start.
 

Edited May 7, 2020 by Marc878

[emprosnet7]

Thank you very much for your advice. 

I really appreciate everything.  

You are right that the feeling that overwhelms me is sadness.  It is because of the kids. 

I also feel sad for her.  Say always had trust issues,  didn't have friends and always relied on female reletives (mother,  auntie). 

I want to write more as it makes me feel a little  better,  but not alot. 

The kids dont know anything,  as she hasnt told them.  Shall I tell them or wait for her or tell them both? 

 

 

 

[Blind-Sided]

4 hours ago, emprosnet7 said:

The kids dont know anything,  as she hasnt told them.  Shall I tell them or wait for her or tell them both? 

This is a conversation that all of you should be in the room for.  That way, the facts can been made known.  In my case, the exW didn't really want to have the conversation with the kids, but I made her since I was holding the official divorce papers she had me served with.  Then, when we all sat together... she started with "Your father and I are having problems."   At that point, I told her to stop, and tell the kids the truth.  It changed to "I have a problem with your father."   I felt this was VERY important since my oldest daughter will understand the truth.

[emprosnet7]

Updated; I have met with a lawyer and talked about the divorce. He communicated with HER lawyer and I am waiting for the proposal for child support. The lawyer told me it will be around 600 euros, 300 handrend for each kid. Believe me when I tell you that all my salary (1600 euros) was spent for my family. I keep nothing for myself. 

That will put a huge financial strain on her. The irony of the thing is that she actually has a degree in  economics.

She always said that she doesn'tt worry about money because "I know that my husband will cover for me". I wonder what she will do when she realises the money is not enough for her expenses. Probably move in with her beloved mother for ever and ever.

 

[schlumpy]

3 hours ago, emprosnet7 said:

Updated; I have met with a lawyer and talked about the divorce. He communicated with HER lawyer and I am waiting for the proposal for child support. The lawyer told me it will be around 600 euros, 300 handrend for each kid. Believe me when I tell you that all my salary (1600 euros) was spent for my family. I keep nothing for myself. 

That will put a huge financial strain on her. The irony of the thing is that she actually has a degree in  economics.

She always said that she doesn'tt worry about money because "I know that my husband will cover for me". I wonder what she will do when she realises the money is not enough for her expenses. Probably move in with her beloved mother for ever and ever.

 

What are the divorce laws like in your country? I know in England it's a one year wait after one year of separation. Here in the US it can range from a year to six months depending on which state you live in.

Please post here about the process. I want to know how things are working out for you. 

[Marc878]

15 hours ago, Blind-Sided said:

This is a conversation that all of you should be in the room for.  That way, the facts can been made known.  In my case, the exW didn't really want to have the conversation with the kids, but I made her since I was holding the official divorce papers she had me served with.  Then, when we all sat together... she started with "Your father and I are having problems."   At that point, I told her to stop, and tell the kids the truth.  It changed to "I have a problem with your father."   I felt this was VERY important since my oldest daughter will understand the truth.

This is so important. Never lie or allow anyone else to lie to your kids. Kids aren’t stupid and they can deal with a known versus an unknown better.

 

[emprosnet7]

5 hours ago, schlumpy said:

What are the divorce laws like in your country? I know in England it's a one year wait after one year of separation. Here in the US it can range from a year to six months depending on which state you live in.

Please post here about the process. I want to know how things are working out for you. 

Yes of course I will do that. So if the case goes to court it could take many years. The justice system here is terrible. The bureaucracy in hard copy and the delays are huge.

Since she has asked for a uncontested divorce, it was an immediate "take" from my part . As long as we agree on the terms that is a fast process and with the needed bureaucracy I believe it will take a couple of months. It doesn't need a court order but a common agreement and it involves our two layers. 

Edited May 9, 2020 by emprosnet7

[schlumpy]

How long for child support? Is the cutoff age 18, 21 or whenever they decide to graduate from college?

I don't know how attached you are to the area you live in. I've had friends and relatives that once they retired moved right back to their hometown. I guess its nostalgia. I've always thought about what I would do if I were suddenly free of my obligations. I've always wanted to live out west. Whenever I vacationed at Yellowstone and Glacier national parks I always felt like I belonged there. Circumstances have written a different script for me.

But for you, this is a chance to do something you've always wanted to do for yourself but were kept from it because of your obligations.

Think about it and consider seizing the opportunity.

[Blind-Sided]

17 hours ago, emprosnet7 said:

Updated; I have met with a lawyer and talked about the divorce. He communicated with HER lawyer and I am waiting for the proposal for child support. The lawyer told me it will be around 600 euros, 300 handrend for each kid. Believe me when I tell you that all my salary (1600 euros) was spent for my family. I keep nothing for myself. 

That will put a huge financial strain on her. The irony of the thing is that she actually has a degree in  economics.

She always said that she doesn'tt worry about money because "I know that my husband will cover for me". I wonder what she will do when she realises the money is not enough for her expenses. Probably move in with her beloved mother for ever and ever.

 

Sounds like you need s better lawyer.  Are you giving up all custody?  I refused to anything other that 50/50 custody of my kids.  There was no way I was sending my ex money, when she ripped the family apart.

[ThePhoenixStillRises]

On 5/8/2020 at 2:46 AM, emprosnet7 said:

The kids dont know anything,  as she hasnt told them.  Shall I tell them or wait for her or tell them both? 

 

 

 

My advice to you would be to try to be on the same page with telling your kids.  They are older...and chances are they have friends with divorced parents and understand the dynamic of divorce.

In my case, my ex lost it when the papers finally arrived to him.  He even blamed me for the day that they came, as though I have control over the postal system.  So, HE decided that it was time for ME to tell the kids.  He called them into our living room and I put my arm around our youngest child and had her sit next to me.  At that point, he got angry and said that there would be no "sugar coating" this and he made her move to the other corner of the couch, by herself.  I then proceeded to say that Mommy and Daddy were going through some changes, which she had noticed because I had been sleeping on the couch for two months at that point, and that as a result all of us would be going through some changes soon and that Mommy and Daddy would no longer be living together.  And what is burned into my memory is that child sitting there alone, crying and listening about her life changing, and I was not ALLOWED to comfort her...while he sat there and didn't say a word.  That's exactly the way he wanted it....and exactly why I knew that divorce was the right decision for me.  

So, OP...my best advice would be for you to ensure your kids know that this divorce has nothing to do with them.  You can be as vague or honest as you want to be, especially at their ages, but you should be in agreement on when they will be told and how you are going to do it.

 

[emprosnet7]

1 hour ago, Blind-Sided said:

Sounds like you need s better lawyer.  Are you giving up all custody?  I refused to anything other that 50/50 custody of my kids.  There was no way I was sending my ex money, when she ripped the family apart.

😞

Edited May 9, 2020 by emprosnet7

[emprosnet7]

1 hour ago, ThePhoenixStillRises said:

My advice to you would be to try to be on the same page with telling your kids.  They are older...and chances are they have friends with divorced parents and understand the dynamic of divorce.

In my case, my ex lost it when the papers finally arrived to him.  He even blamed me for the day that they came, as though I have control over the postal system.  So, HE decided that it was time for ME to tell the kids.  He called them into our living room and I put my arm around our youngest child and had her sit next to me.  At that point, he got angry and said that there would be no "sugar coating" this and he made her move to the other corner of the couch, by herself.  I then proceeded to say that Mommy and Daddy were going through some changes, which she had noticed because I had been sleeping on the couch for two months at that point, and that as a result all of us would be going through some changes soon and that Mommy and Daddy would no longer be living together.  And what is burned into my memory is that child sitting there alone, crying and listening about her life changing, and I was not ALLOWED to comfort her...while he sat there and didn't say a word.  That's exactly the way he wanted it....and exactly why I knew that divorce was the right decision for me.  

So, OP...my best advice would be for you to ensure your kids know that this divorce has nothing to do with them.  You can be as vague or honest as you want to be, especially at their ages, but you should be in agreement on when they will be told and how you are going to do it.

 

 

Actually there is an example a friend who got divorced and my young one knows about because it is one of her classmates. I hope she can understand .

Now I am going to pack some things to drive to my mother's house. The kids are still in the dark..

Edited May 9, 2020 by emprosnet7

[emprosnet7]

1 hour ago, Blind-Sided said:

Sounds like you need s better lawyer.  Are you giving up all custody?  I refused to anything other that 50/50 custody of my kids.  There was no way I was sending my ex money, when she ripped the family apart.

You understood correctly, I don't get custody. Unfortunately the legal system here is different from yours. In theory common custody is not prohibited but both parents must agree to this IN COURT,  and she would not. 

So, that would mean the uncontested divorce goes out of the window. We would have to go to court, and that would mean a financial drain from both parts and a 5 year battle in which case I would be out of the house anyway and the kids would be 23 and 18 years old by the time we finalise the divorce. 

Also in practice way over 90 % of the court cases here give custody to the woman. So unless the woman is a drug addict, alcoholic, prostitute etc there is no way the court will give me 100% or 50% custody. 

Edited May 9, 2020 by emprosnet7

[schlumpy]

1 hour ago, emprosnet7 said:

Also in practice way over 90 % of the court cases here give custody to the woman. So unless the woman is a drug addict, alcoholic, prostitute etc there is no way the court will give me 100% or 50% custody. 

You made the right choice. If the children were below ten years old maybe not but at their current age I think you got it right. 

[Marc878]

On 5/8/2020 at 6:54 AM, Blind-Sided said:

This is a conversation that all of you should be in the room for.  That way, the facts can been made known.  In my case, the exW didn't really want to have the conversation with the kids, but I made her since I was holding the official divorce papers she had me served with.  Then, when we all sat together... she started with "Your father and I are having problems."   At that point, I told her to stop, and tell the kids the truth.  It changed to "I have a problem with your father."   I felt this was VERY important since my oldest daughter will understand the truth.

This is pretty typical. Some will lie to friends, spouses even their Own kids to avoid consequences for their actions. In these cases you need to be the responsible parent. Never assume your kids don’t know the truth. From what I’ve seen they tend to know more than you think. They see and notice things. 

Who lies to their kids? What are you teaching them here?

[emprosnet7]

28 minutes ago, Marc878 said:

This is pretty typical. Some will lie to friends, spouses even their Own kids to avoid consequences for their actions. In these cases you need to be the responsible parent. Never assume your kids don’t know the truth. From what I’ve seen they tend to know more than you think. They see and notice things. 

Who lies to their kids? What are you teaching them here?

When I met my wife she told me that she hates lies and always wants the truth to be told. I was impressed ! BUT

Years later my young one (10 year old at the time) saw her mother smoking. When she asked her about it she lied.

We went two times to the child psychologist and the father (ME) was the one who covered for the mother and explained that she lied because she was ashamed.

My child's trust was shattered and I was the one who restored her to normal. Believe me when I tell you that I did not hear ONE thank you from the mother.

 

 

 

[Marc878]

35 minutes ago, emprosnet7 said:

When I met my wife she told me that she hates lies and always wants the truth to be told. I was impressed ! BUT

Years later my young one (10 year old at the time) saw her mother smoking. When she asked her about it she lied.

We went two times to the child psychologist and the father (ME) was the one who covered for the mother and explained that she lied because she was ashamed.

My child's trust was shattered and I was the one who restored her to normal. Believe me when I tell you that I did not hear ONE thank you from the mother.

 

 

 

Not uncommon. Words. They don’t necessarily mean much do they?

[emprosnet7]

We just told the news to the kids about divorce. The older one 17 years old girl was indifferent. 

The young one 13 year old girl gave me a hug. Overall they took it well . But I am still in the house.

Will see what happens when I leave. 

[Blind-Sided]

On ‎5‎/‎9‎/‎2020 at 2:32 PM, emprosnet7 said:

When I met my wife she told me that she hates lies and always wants the truth to be told.

My child's trust was shattered and I was the one who restored her to normal. Believe me when I tell you that I did not hear ONE thank you from the mother.

Sorry to hear that... but it's amazing what you do for the person who you love. You never will hear that "Thank you" or "Im sorry" from the other person. In their eyes, they don't see anything wrong with their actions. 

On ‎5‎/‎10‎/‎2020 at 7:15 AM, emprosnet7 said:

We just told the news to the kids about divorce. The older one 17 years old girl was indifferent. 

The young one 13 year old girl gave me a hug. Overall they took it well . But I am still in the house.

Will see what happens when I leave. 

Well... that's the first step.  I wish you well with moving forward, and we are here to listen to anything you may need to say.

[emprosnet7]

update: 15/5/2020

I have moved out from the house and have taken most of my cloths and stuff. The agreement had stalled because she is asking money for an appartment in my name which is a gift from my mother. The law says here that she is not entitled to anything because she did not contribute in buying this appartment (48 square meters). My mother lives in the appartment. Also she is asking for tuition fees for the kids that I had not agreed upon. 

She is not going to get anything and I hope we don't end up in court because it will cost us alot of money. But as long as the agreement is not settled she is not going to get a penny for child support, lets see how long she can last without it plus the court and layer expenses.

[SummerDreams]

I'm sorry for what you are going through my friend. Please be sure that you keep a good relationship with your kids, take them out to the beach or do things with them, and stop any contact with your ex wife, let the lawyer do the communication for you. She is the typical woman who will ask for many things to get whatever she can. Tell her that the only communication you will have will be through lawyers and she can only text you for issues regarding the kids. The kids are old enough to decide they want to spend time with their dad and she can't stop them. I hope you have learnt from this experience and you will not allow yourself to be a doormat anymore in your next relationships. Also, because I know how things in Greece are, don't let relatives get in the way of your business. Stop all communication with everyone. Arrange some vacation with your kids and don't worry about your ex. You will be better off without her.

Καλή τύχη.

[schlumpy]

You could engage a lawyer for consultation purposes. Lay out your situation and pay him for advice. Make sure that your actions are within the law just in case you do end up in court. The judge will not take kindly to you mistreating your kids no matter what your wife has done and what is mistreatment is in the eye of the beholder.