preraph Posted February 16, 2020 Share Posted February 16, 2020 I view it as a test, to see if it's a dealbreaker to her, as it should be, or if she'll put up with it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author GeorgiaPeach1 Posted February 17, 2020 Author Share Posted February 17, 2020 9 hours ago, preraph said: I've never heard of one violent offender changing. I'm 67. They get worse and when they get old, they often lose all filters and control. A friend of mine had her younger bf living with us for a while and dated him two years. I never did trust him because I saw him steal something once, but I didn't suspect him of being violent. She married him when he joined the Navy after having dated him 3 years. She was a very outgoing person with many acquaintances swirling around her and when she and I lived together, there were always punk bands hanging around, some of them tough looking, plus she had a brother and a father. So as soon as they married, they moved to where he was stationed on the east coast, and as soon as he had her away from her friends and family and support group, he started beating her. Three years. So just know that your year with him means nothing. Some of them go decades between beating their wives. But I'll tell you I know for sure that this is a miserable environment for wife and children alike as they are always on edge wondering when he'll go off. Every time you hear them up at night, you are afraid they're up to something. You have an opportunity here to not choose this violent man and you'd be foolish to think you will be the exception. It's not about YOU. It's about them. They're sick and they mostly cannot be fixed because so much of it is hard-wired from childhood. With all due respect, he is not a violent offender. Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted February 17, 2020 Share Posted February 17, 2020 He is if he hit someone. Link to post Share on other sites
NuevoYorko Posted February 17, 2020 Share Posted February 17, 2020 On 2/14/2020 at 5:37 PM, mark clemson said: In my personal opinion, no, although the severity of the hit is certainly an issue. If she had a shiner or he knocked out a tooth or anything, well... I guess all those chronic abusers who take care to only harm body parts that are not visible when fully clothed are on the right track then? 1 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author GeorgiaPeach1 Posted February 17, 2020 Author Share Posted February 17, 2020 17 hours ago, preraph said: He is if he hit someone. So are parents who spank their children violent offenders? Link to post Share on other sites
sothereiwas Posted February 17, 2020 Share Posted February 17, 2020 On 2/14/2020 at 2:19 PM, GeorgiaPeach1 said: If a man lost his temper ONCE with a previous partner and struck her, does this make him a bad candidate for a relationship? What if he expresses being sorry about it and it was several years ago? How would you know if he's still capable of repeating that behavior or has changed for the better? Google "sean connery slapping interview" Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted February 17, 2020 Share Posted February 17, 2020 23 minutes ago, GeorgiaPeach1 said: So are parents who spank their children violent offenders? They are in Scotland. Spanking children is illegal there. Link to post Share on other sites
Pleasant-Sage Posted February 17, 2020 Share Posted February 17, 2020 23 minutes ago, GeorgiaPeach1 said: So are parents who spank their children violent offenders? Not always but you know how many parents go over board due to being so angry? There's literally hundreds of thousands of abuse cases involving disciplining children. It's the reason it's almost no longer acceptable in the US anymore. Spank your kids in public for any reason and DHS will be knocking on your door no matter how innocent or justifiable it was. Spanking is also a tool used to invoke fear and submission. So, it relates quite nicely to violent offenders...wouldn't you agree? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Redhead14 Posted February 18, 2020 Share Posted February 18, 2020 (edited) On 2/14/2020 at 7:34 PM, GeorgiaPeach1 said: He sounded very remorseful. They always do sound remorseful and sometimes they actually are remorseful but most of the time, they do it again and then they are remorseful and then they do it again and then they are remorseful and then they do it again and then . . . Do some reading up on domestic abuse. The victims almost always are caught up in a cycle that involves abuse, then groveling by the perp over and over again until . . . Edited February 18, 2020 by Redhead14 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Redhead14 Posted February 18, 2020 Share Posted February 18, 2020 This guy is pre-empting the possibility that you may hear things about him. He's taking the lead to minimize it and present his side so that if/when you do hear about his past, you'll dismiss it. This guy did not just hit his partner once. LIke I said above, it's a cycle. The likelihood is that his ex or exes stuck around for more than once before the split(s) happened. The bottom line is that it's not worth taking the chance. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
Author GeorgiaPeach1 Posted February 19, 2020 Author Share Posted February 19, 2020 On 2/15/2020 at 2:54 PM, K.K. said: Nah, I definitely didn’t say that. I told her to run away as fast as she could. Then when she said she’d already been with him a year, I figured it was a lost cause to even try to say anything. She’s obviously in too deep to see the forest for the trees and that this point, I just wonder if he has already hit her and that’s why he brought it up about hitting the other lady. Then I wished her well and that’s all I can do. Right? He hasn't hit me. Just has started expressing a little annoyance here and there, through body language mostly. Link to post Share on other sites
Shining One Posted February 20, 2020 Share Posted February 20, 2020 On 2/16/2020 at 11:04 AM, preraph said: I've never heard of one violent offender changing. On 2/16/2020 at 8:36 PM, preraph said: He is if he hit someone. I know quite a few women who used to frequently smack their boyfriends in their teens and early twenties. Now, they don't. My sister, a cousin, and my sister-in-law are all examples. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
simpycurious Posted February 25, 2020 Share Posted February 25, 2020 Nobody (especially a lady) deserves to be hit..... PERIOD 1 Link to post Share on other sites
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted February 25, 2020 Share Posted February 25, 2020 On 2/14/2020 at 7:34 PM, GeorgiaPeach1 said: He told me, voluntarily. I've never met his ex and she's moved, so he didn't have to bring it up at all and I would have never known. He sounded very remorseful. Unless you're like me and Google the crap out of everyone, and look up arrest records..... 3 Link to post Share on other sites
LivingWaterPlease Posted February 25, 2020 Share Posted February 25, 2020 On 2/14/2020 at 7:34 PM, GeorgiaPeach1 said: He told me, voluntarily. I've never met his ex and she's moved, so he didn't have to bring it up at all and I would have never known. He sounded very remorseful. Many men who are violent with women are very remorseful afterwards. In fact, for some, once they beat a woman until their rage is assuaged on her, they even sometimes cry and beg forgiveness with much regret. Being remorseful doesn't give a person the strength and/or will not to be a repeat offender. Before someone can be cured of this they need to be spiritually and emotionally healed, IMO. Otherwise it will crop up again. In a later post you mentioned he's beginning to show signs of being annoyed by you. This you're judging by his body language? If you're going to stay with this guy, please don't jump into a marriage or living together situation with him for a long time to come. It's possible he won't ever act out until you live with him, though; until he feels you're dependent enough on the relationship to give him a pass if he hurts you. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted February 25, 2020 Share Posted February 25, 2020 Every man is different; for those so wired, an orgasm of violence resets their brain chemistry to a more docile/conciliatory/remorseful state, until the next ramp up in the particular brain chemistry that predisposes them to violent behavior. Many men are violent as unrestrained youth but grow out of it and their brain develops and they learn boundaries and how to manage those emotions appropriately. Some don't. Our prisons are full of them. Since this is a LTR my prior caution doesn't really apply, rather analysis of normal communication and disagreements that arise in every long term association. Time reveals all truths. The key to health is accepting the truth when it presents itself. Sometimes that's quite a challenge. Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted February 27, 2020 Share Posted February 27, 2020 On 2/16/2020 at 7:19 PM, NuevoYorko said: I guess all those chronic abusers who take care to only harm body parts that are not visible when fully clothed are on the right track then? No, not at all. I find it bizarre that anyone could extrapolate from what I wrote to conclude that. I guess I didn't mention hidden damage because I don't think like one of these abusers. I certainly don't think that, e.g. a fractured rib would ok but a black eye wouldn't. Who could think like that (coming from a normal non-abuser frame of mind)? Maybe it's just unfortunate phrasing, but this is almost reads like you're insinuating I'm ok with abuse so long as it's covert. That's absolutely false. Nothing could be further from the truth. I'd request that you please mind how you phrase these things in the future. Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted February 29, 2020 Share Posted February 29, 2020 On 2/19/2020 at 9:20 AM, GeorgiaPeach1 said: He hasn't hit me. Just has started expressing a little annoyance here and there, through body language mostly. I urge you to educate yourself on abusers. An abuser will never start with a fist in your face. It starts with being annoyed, then raising voice, then name calling, then arm squeezing, wrist grabbing....then full blown hit. My ex-h was 28 years old when he started hitting me. We divorced after 15 years. A few years later he met another woman, moved in together and had a daughter. He was 48 by that time so we are talking 20 years later. One day I get a phone call, it's his new common-law wife, she is in tears and needs to speak. She asked me straight if her husband (my ex) had ever hit me as he was violent with her and she was lost. These men don't change. A few will change but always with many years of therapy and the will to change their life. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Pumaza Posted February 29, 2020 Share Posted February 29, 2020 (edited) On 2/14/2020 at 11:31 PM, GeorgiaPeach1 said: They had a difference of opinion, which led to yelling both ways. He lost his temper for a moment and slapped her, but not hard enough for her to fall or be injured. While they had a sometimes rocky relationship, that's the one and only time he's hit a woman. Run! You dont know if he even did it once. But once is bad enough. Especially if she ddnt try to hit him first and there was need of self defence by him to protect himself. Dont go try him to find out.Run. Edited February 29, 2020 by Pumaza Link to post Share on other sites
Pumaza Posted February 29, 2020 Share Posted February 29, 2020 You sound like the perfect victim for him by saying the slap was not hard enough. Even him raising his hand should be a reason to leave and is very bad. Abuse is bad and hurts people deeper. Dont know your age,but stop making excuses for him already. Run and work on your self esteem 2 Link to post Share on other sites
simpycurious Posted February 29, 2020 Share Posted February 29, 2020 8 hours ago, Pumaza said: You sound like the perfect victim for him by saying the slap was not hard enough. Even him raising his hand should be a reason to leave and is very bad. Abuse is bad and hurts people deeper. Dont know your age,but stop making excuses for him already. Run and work on your self esteem What he did is NEVER OK. No matter how you or anyone else SPINS IT....it's WRONG and disgusting behavior. What he really needs is for another MAN to have a very private talk with him minus the talking. Link to post Share on other sites
Author GeorgiaPeach1 Posted March 1, 2020 Author Share Posted March 1, 2020 23 hours ago, Pumaza said: You sound like the perfect victim for him by saying the slap was not hard enough. Even him raising his hand should be a reason to leave and is very bad. Abuse is bad and hurts people deeper. Dont know your age,but stop making excuses for him already. Run and work on your self esteem Sorry, I don't throw people away over one bad choice where no one lost blood or a limb. I'm not a perfect person, either. He has already reassured me he would never lay a hand on me. Link to post Share on other sites
Author GeorgiaPeach1 Posted March 1, 2020 Author Share Posted March 1, 2020 15 hours ago, simpycurious said: What he did is NEVER OK. No matter how you or anyone else SPINS IT....it's WRONG and disgusting behavior. What he really needs is for another MAN to have a very private talk with him minus the talking. That is not fair. He is a good person, minus the occasional mistake. We all have made a mistake here and there, no? Link to post Share on other sites
Author GeorgiaPeach1 Posted March 1, 2020 Author Share Posted March 1, 2020 On 2/28/2020 at 10:30 PM, Gaeta said: I urge you to educate yourself on abusers. An abuser will never start with a fist in your face. It starts with being annoyed, then raising voice, then name calling, then arm squeezing, wrist grabbing....then full blown hit. My ex-h was 28 years old when he started hitting me. We divorced after 15 years. A few years later he met another woman, moved in together and had a daughter. He was 48 by that time so we are talking 20 years later. One day I get a phone call, it's his new common-law wife, she is in tears and needs to speak. She asked me straight if her husband (my ex) had ever hit me as he was violent with her and she was lost. These men don't change. A few will change but always with many years of therapy and the will to change their life. He does raise his voice sometimes, once in a while towards me. While I cringe on the inside when I see him getting annoyed over something, I've never felt afraid for my personal safety with him. He cools down very quickly. Link to post Share on other sites
Author GeorgiaPeach1 Posted March 1, 2020 Author Share Posted March 1, 2020 Why is the advice almost always to leave??? Do people not believe in working through things and taking a person's great qualities into consideration? Link to post Share on other sites
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