Author GeorgiaPeach1 Posted February 15, 2020 Author Share Posted February 15, 2020 (edited) 7 hours ago, basil67 said: I believe people can learn from their errors and change. Granted, lots of people don't change, but some do. Have you seen any evidence of his temper either with you or others? Does he have road rage? Get angry when meals take too long to deliver? Yes, I've noticed a little temper here and there. Nothing outrageous, though. Edited February 15, 2020 by GeorgiaPeach1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author GeorgiaPeach1 Posted February 15, 2020 Author Share Posted February 15, 2020 4 hours ago, NuevoYorko said: What prompted him to tell you this now, after a year? He actually told me a while back, but I'm now starting to notice a few things. Just want to make sure history doesn't repeat itself. Link to post Share on other sites
K.K. Posted February 15, 2020 Share Posted February 15, 2020 7 hours ago, GeorgiaPeach1 said: Can you please explain? Yes, sorry about the brevity. This topic is triggering for me so I can only touch upon it quickly, like sticking my hand on a hot iron. But always feel I need to say something. I was under the impression that it was a brand new budding relationship so it was easy for me to say run away. But if you’ve been with him for a year already, you already have much invested. In that case you need to look at the big picture of how he has treated you in that year. I wonder what made him bring it up now though. Mind runs away with me on that. Bottom line is it’s your relationship and it’s what you find acceptable. I wish you much luck. 1 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Cookiesandough Posted February 15, 2020 Share Posted February 15, 2020 I’d avoid him. People who react with violence are not attractive to me. Link to post Share on other sites
Author GeorgiaPeach1 Posted February 15, 2020 Author Share Posted February 15, 2020 Sorry, was trying to edit to add more information. Think I hit Quote instead by mistake. Link to post Share on other sites
Els Posted February 15, 2020 Share Posted February 15, 2020 Unless it was in self-defense, yes, I would run. Sure, there's a "chance" he may never do it again. But there's also a pretty big risk that he will. Personally, I don't find it worth taking that risk, especially when many men never have. I personally think that hitting your partner, even once, is a sign of a problem with anger management or self-control that is ingrained in that person (or even worse, misogyny/resentment towards women, etc). Occasionally people do successfully manage to change through years of therapy. But many don't change. It might lie dormant for a while, and then resurface. Most of us have had big arguments with a partner. H and I definitely have had our share of them, being together for over 10 years. Never once has either of us hit the other person, though. 2 1 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted February 15, 2020 Share Posted February 15, 2020 11 hours ago, GeorgiaPeach1 said: We've been together almost a year, but I get your point. I'm feeling concerned. 4 hours ago, GeorgiaPeach1 said: Yes, I've noticed a little temper here and there. Nothing outrageous, though. 4 hours ago, GeorgiaPeach1 said: He actually told me a while back, but I'm now starting to notice a few things. Just want to make sure history doesn't repeat itself. That concern you are feeling after noticing his temper is telling. Be careful. I'm a little relieved that he confessed after knowing you for a while as opposed to up front after just meeting you. If he just blurted this out to a relative stranger I think it would be more dangerous. The fact that he confided in you after he got to know you, presumably years after the fact, is some indication that he learned from the mistake & grew up. Still you are wise to make sure history doesn't repeat itself. Heaven forbid he get violent with you, there can be no second chance. Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted February 15, 2020 Share Posted February 15, 2020 15 hours ago, GeorgiaPeach1 said: He told me, voluntarily. I've never met his ex and she's moved, so he didn't have to bring it up at all and I would have never known. He sounded very remorseful. Like Carhill said, it's a warning to find out your reaction. 1 1 Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted February 15, 2020 Share Posted February 15, 2020 15 hours ago, GeorgiaPeach1 said: He told me, voluntarily. I've never met his ex and she's moved, so he didn't have to bring it up at all and I would have never known. He sounded very remorseful. Just because they told you doesn't mean they won't do it again. Please trust me that violent men will often tell women they hit to see if the woman will stick around and take it and to intimidate her. I used to work with a guy in retail who came in and told me about picking up a woman and getting mad at her and closing the car door on her head and stuff. Even if one is remorseful doesn't in any way mean that they won't lose it again! That's the situation with most of these guys. They have issues from childhood, rage, bad fighting role models, rage from being bullied, whatever, and then they get triggered, especially in situations with women because their self-esteem isn't solid at all so they depend too heavily on women to fill that hole and prop them up emotionally, and as soon as anything slips, the woman gets mad at them, they falter in bed, they are denied sex, or they simply don't get their way in general, they will lose it like a five-year-old and hurt someone. They are very sorry for themselves. They are very sorry they got caught. They are very sorry they ran off their female companion. But they only get worse as the years go by with anyone who will stay regardless. Don't be foolish and get involved with this guy. He has officially forewarned you he has a violent temper. If you stay, it's as good as saying you agree to be abused. It's rare you get this much warning. Don't be crazy and overlook it. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted February 15, 2020 Share Posted February 15, 2020 These guys are not abusive 24/7, no-one would stay with them if they were and abusers often do not show their true colours right away. They wait till you are hooked, till you love them, till you find it difficult to just walk away, till you will tolerate usually increasing bad behaviour, because you love him, till you start making up excuses for him... Some will suss out what they can get away with, how much you will tolerate. They start the nonsense as they know you will put up with it and they like being in control. Others have just moved out of the love bombing/idealising stage, their purpose then is to devalue you, to make themselves feel better once finished devaluing you, discard is the next step. If they cannot find a better option they may stick around making you more and more miserable. The main issue is that these individuals are usually very complex people that your average person cannot fix with love and understanding. Their problems run deep and may not even be fixable with professional help That is why it is best just to walk away... 2 2 Link to post Share on other sites
pepperbird Posted February 15, 2020 Share Posted February 15, 2020 In my experience with an abusive man, trust them when they give you a glimpse of who they really are. 3 1 Link to post Share on other sites
littleblackheart Posted February 15, 2020 Share Posted February 15, 2020 Follow your instincts and what you've come to know of him - take heed of his actions, not his words/how contrite he appears to be. You are starting to ask yourself questions about his lack of control - this is not you being paranoid, this is your brain sending you a warning sign. This is a good enough reason to want to take a step back. 2 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Pleasant-Sage Posted February 15, 2020 Share Posted February 15, 2020 10 hours ago, K.K. said: I was under the impression that it was a brand new budding relationship so it was easy for me to say run away. But if you’ve been with him for a year already, you already have much invested. In that case you need to look at the big picture of how he has treated you in that year. You could be right but I still have to disagree about the time spent together being proof he is a changed man. Her description of the event sounds like a reflex(no thought) response. Should they ever get into a heated argument, I'd expect it to come back out again. It's not worth the risk. What's the purpose of physical violence? Submission. It's possible that his ex just frustrated him enough that he momentarily lost control and OP may never do such a thing so it might not ever come up with her. However, I can't say I'd be willing to take that chance if I were in her shoes. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted February 15, 2020 Share Posted February 15, 2020 (edited) 13 minutes ago, Pleasant-Sage said: What's the purpose of physical violence? Submission. Exactly. Quote Dennis Waterman has admitted beating his former wife in a candid television interview that has caused outrage after critics accused him of trivialising domestic violence. After years of denying he had been abusive, the television actor confessed to punching his first wife, Rula Lenska, on two occasions, before adding: "She certainly wasn't a beaten wife, she was hit and that's different." Mr Waterman has always denied the allegations. But in his most recent interview, he came clean, admitting he had been violent because he had struggled to win arguments with his "strong, intelligent" former wife."We were going through a horrible time and arguing a lot," he said. "The problem with strong, intelligent women is that they can argue, well. And if there is a time where you can't get a word in... and I... I lashed out. I couldn't end the argument. Something must have brought it on. When frustration builds up and you can't think of a way out... It happened and I'm very, very ashamed of it." He tried to excuse his behaviour by stating: "It's not hard for a woman to make a man hit her." Edited February 15, 2020 by elaine567 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Fletch Lives Posted February 15, 2020 Share Posted February 15, 2020 (edited) Edit: I just saw this: Quote Yes, I've noticed a little temper here and there. - temper plus previous wife beater spells a pattern, and that spells trouble. I would not touch that guy with a ten foot poll if I were you. There is a high chance he will do it again. Edited February 15, 2020 by Fletch Lives 1 Link to post Share on other sites
K.K. Posted February 15, 2020 Share Posted February 15, 2020 1 hour ago, Pleasant-Sage said: You could be right but I still have to disagree about the time spent together being proof he is a changed man. Her description of the event sounds like a reflex(no thought) response. Nah, I definitely didn’t say that. I told her to run away as fast as she could. Then when she said she’d already been with him a year, I figured it was a lost cause to even try to say anything. She’s obviously in too deep to see the forest for the trees and that this point, I just wonder if he has already hit her and that’s why he brought it up about hitting the other lady. Then I wished her well and that’s all I can do. Right? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Ellener Posted February 16, 2020 Share Posted February 16, 2020 On 2/14/2020 at 6:34 PM, GeorgiaPeach1 said: He told me, voluntarily. I've never met his ex and she's moved, so he didn't have to bring it up at all and I would have never known. He sounded very remorseful. What's he done with his life since? I do believe someone has to be honest to change, but I wouldn't like to be judged permanently on my worst moments. People still tell me children need to be physically disciplined and that violence spills all over into families and relationships so people have learned to yell and hit out at others. If your relationship is serious then book a therapy session together to discuss moving forward and set the boundaries for if you ever have conflict ( which most couples do some time ) Anger management is much better understood now, and you sound like you would not tolerate much nonsense if he ever turned on you, but nor is it much fun living with someone who gets irritable and annoyed whenever life gets stressful. Good luck! Link to post Share on other sites
littleblackheart Posted February 16, 2020 Share Posted February 16, 2020 3 hours ago, Ellener said: If your relationship is serious then book a therapy session together While I agree with the rest of your post, I 100% believe OP's partner is entirely responsible for his own actions; as such, he should be the one wanting to get his anger under control by himself without OP's input. It's not a 'couple' problem, it's a 'him' problem. He is not a child; OP should not, imo, associate herself in any way with this anger control issue other than support him should he initiate the process of sorting himself out on his own, or at the very most gently ask what strategies he's come up with to curb his temper. Basically there should be concrete pro-active behaviour coming from him in order to give him the benefit of the doubt for the rest of the relationship. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted February 16, 2020 Share Posted February 16, 2020 35 minutes ago, littleblackheart said: Basically there should be concrete pro-active behaviour coming from him in order to give him the benefit of the doubt for the rest of the relationship. Yes, it is easy to be "sorry" and "oh so remorseful", but that unfortunately is the trademark of the abuser. They are usually "very sorry" and "that is not who I am" and "I will never do it again", that is until they do... 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Ellener Posted February 16, 2020 Share Posted February 16, 2020 2 hours ago, littleblackheart said: While I agree with the rest of your post, I 100% believe OP's partner is entirely responsible for his own actions; as such, he should be the one wanting to get his anger under control by himself without OP's input. It's not a 'couple' problem, it's a 'him' problem. He is not a child; OP should not, imo, associate herself in any way with this anger control issue other than support him should he initiate the process of sorting himself out on his own, or at the very most gently ask what strategies he's come up with to curb his temper. Basically there should be concrete pro-active behaviour coming from him in order to give him the benefit of the doubt for the rest of the relationship. The counselling session together would be to set the boundaries for any future relationship; it would become very quickly apparent in that setting if the man is prepared to be responsible for his actions or not and yes, agree entirely that if necessary the man should then go and 'take care of his own issues' if the advice is he needs anger management/therapy. The reason I would do it like this is a trained independent counsellor has no feelings for the man as does the OP, whose feelings are confusing her choices for herself right now. Link to post Share on other sites
littleblackheart Posted February 16, 2020 Share Posted February 16, 2020 43 minutes ago, Ellener said: The reason I would do it like this is a trained independent counsellor has no feelings for the man as does the OP, whose feelings are confusing her choices for herself right now. In which case she should seek counselling for herself based on her own history, if she really can't trust her instincts (big if). I see what you're saying, and I'm not jumping the gun on this guy - we know nothing about him, really. It's just my personal experience says one person's problem is one person's problem. A couple should be able to discuss these boundaries together first, then agree to sort out individual problems on their own, then get a joint counselling session if everything else fails and the relationship is worth saving, or simply break up if the damage is unfixable. Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted February 16, 2020 Share Posted February 16, 2020 I've never heard of one violent offender changing. I'm 67. They get worse and when they get old, they often lose all filters and control. A friend of mine had her younger bf living with us for a while and dated him two years. I never did trust him because I saw him steal something once, but I didn't suspect him of being violent. She married him when he joined the Navy after having dated him 3 years. She was a very outgoing person with many acquaintances swirling around her and when she and I lived together, there were always punk bands hanging around, some of them tough looking, plus she had a brother and a father. So as soon as they married, they moved to where he was stationed on the east coast, and as soon as he had her away from her friends and family and support group, he started beating her. Three years. So just know that your year with him means nothing. Some of them go decades between beating their wives. But I'll tell you I know for sure that this is a miserable environment for wife and children alike as they are always on edge wondering when he'll go off. Every time you hear them up at night, you are afraid they're up to something. You have an opportunity here to not choose this violent man and you'd be foolish to think you will be the exception. It's not about YOU. It's about them. They're sick and they mostly cannot be fixed because so much of it is hard-wired from childhood. Link to post Share on other sites
Ellener Posted February 16, 2020 Share Posted February 16, 2020 5 hours ago, littleblackheart said: It's just my personal experience says one person's problem is one person's problem. That's the thing about serious relationships though, a couple are choosing to work on each other in future too. The older we get we all have a past, an unchangeable past to live with. Some people improve for their present or future, some people don't. There are 'patterns'of behaviour which give clues but it doesn't seem like this here? Sometimes I wonder if this modern tendency to blurt stuff out indefinitely or indiscriminately is as healthy as it seems and what people expect to acheive when they do. It's all very well being 100% open but it's also burdening, leaves people wondering what they are supposed to do with the information. So yes, I'd way more a new partner have dealt with his issues and put it behind him, then let me 'judge' for myself who he is today, based on how he behaves around me. Be different if he gets angry with me, but I'm 53 and could not accept that by my age and my own past. Anyway, hope you are feeling okay @GeorgiaPeach1 and- you'll work it all out. Go to therapy if you ever need help to. Link to post Share on other sites
littleblackheart Posted February 16, 2020 Share Posted February 16, 2020 (edited) 49 minutes ago, Ellener said: That's the thing about serious relationships though, a couple are choosing to work on each other in future too Supporting each other, understanding and empathising doesn't mean having to carry someone else's burden, though. I don't know why this guy decided to offload without also putting GeorgiaPeach fully at ease / reassuring her, but it's not anyone's job but his to make her feel safe in this relationship. It's fine to be transparent with who you were, but it's pointless, and even a little manipulative, if it's not followed through with action. Edited February 16, 2020 by littleblackheart Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted February 16, 2020 Share Posted February 16, 2020 12 minutes ago, littleblackheart said: It's fine to be transparent with who you were, but it's pointless, and even a little manipulative, if it's not followed through with action. I have a feeling it is manipulative because I see no point otherwise in saying "I have only hit a woman once" as that is enough to scare any woman half to death. GeorgiaPeach took it in her stride as by that time she loved him and she wanted to believe he would never hit her, but now she has had time to think, it doesn't seem quite so "harmless" Who knows how many times he really did it? Was it a one off or is there a pattern he follows in all his relationships? Was it a confession or a warning? "Don't meddle with me, I have a sting in my tail" may be the message he wants to send. "Be a good little girl and nothing bad will happen to you..." Who knows what he was thinking and what his motives are? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
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