GeorgiaPeach1 Posted February 14, 2020 Share Posted February 14, 2020 If a man lost his temper ONCE with a previous partner and struck her, does this make him a bad candidate for a relationship? What if he expresses being sorry about it and it was several years ago? How would you know if he's still capable of repeating that behavior or has changed for the better? Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted February 14, 2020 Share Posted February 14, 2020 Did he explain the circumstances? From my experience of knowing women who were physically abused; once a man hits, slaps, pushes you and you let him get away with it and stay, the next time it escalates and continues on from there. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author GeorgiaPeach1 Posted February 14, 2020 Author Share Posted February 14, 2020 (edited) They had a difference of opinion, which led to yelling both ways. He lost his temper for a moment and slapped her, but not hard enough for her to fall or be injured. While they had a sometimes rocky relationship, that's the one and only time he's hit a woman. Edited February 14, 2020 by GeorgiaPeach1 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted February 14, 2020 Share Posted February 14, 2020 6 minutes ago, GeorgiaPeach1 said: that's the one and only time he's hit a woman. How do you know that? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
K.K. Posted February 14, 2020 Share Posted February 14, 2020 24 minutes ago, GeorgiaPeach1 said: If a man lost his temper ONCE with a previous partner and struck her, does this make him a bad candidate for a relationship? Yes. Promise. Run awayyyy. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted February 14, 2020 Share Posted February 14, 2020 The combo makes it sound unsafe. Rocky relationship plus this "one" slip. It's one of those boundaries that once it's been crossed it is too easy to cross again. There are the exceptions that can learn from a mistake & never make it again but they are a rare breed. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted February 14, 2020 Share Posted February 14, 2020 Be wary of disclaimers from strangers. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted February 14, 2020 Share Posted February 14, 2020 (edited) If this is a potential new man in your life, steer clear. He told you about the prior slap because he knows it's likely to happen again with you. If there was truly no danger that he would ever lose control like that again and hurt a partner, he would have stayed quiet & you never would have known. He's warning you that you may be in physical danger from him & he's grooming you to be OK with it Edited February 14, 2020 by d0nnivain 5 1 Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted February 14, 2020 Share Posted February 14, 2020 He's capable of doing it so I wouldn't be going out with him. They all have an excuse for why they do it. And most of them are very sorry they did it but it doesn't stop them from doing it again. Please realize that some people have an uncontrolled rage that stems from something that goes way back to their childhood. Sometimes they can control it around most people or at work, but maybe the romantic partner is the situation that triggers it. honestly most of them are sorry they did it but they just keep doing it and getting worse. And then the alternative is even worse, which is someone who's enough of a sociopath or sadist that they aren't at all sorry they did it because they enjoy it. This is information that you have up front and it should be enough to keep you away from that person. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted February 14, 2020 Share Posted February 14, 2020 Sometimes these guys aren't even angry, they put on a show of anger to scare women. a scared woman is easily controlled. Whilst she is in fear of her life, underneath all the fake anger, he is calmly assessing the situation. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
LivingWaterPlease Posted February 15, 2020 Share Posted February 15, 2020 (edited) Who told you he hit a woman? He, the woman he hit, or someone else? Edited February 15, 2020 by LivingWaterPlease added question Link to post Share on other sites
Author GeorgiaPeach1 Posted February 15, 2020 Author Share Posted February 15, 2020 1 hour ago, elaine567 said: How do you know that? He told me, voluntarily. I've never met his ex and she's moved, so he didn't have to bring it up at all and I would have never known. He sounded very remorseful. Link to post Share on other sites
Author GeorgiaPeach1 Posted February 15, 2020 Author Share Posted February 15, 2020 1 hour ago, K.K. said: Yes. Promise. Run awayyyy. Can you please explain? Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted February 15, 2020 Share Posted February 15, 2020 2 minutes ago, GeorgiaPeach1 said: He told me, voluntarily. I've never met his ex and she's moved, so he didn't have to bring it up at all and I would have never known. He sounded very remorseful. Sorry, but I'd run. Link to post Share on other sites
Author GeorgiaPeach1 Posted February 15, 2020 Author Share Posted February 15, 2020 26 minutes ago, LivingWaterPlease said: Who told you he hit a woman? He, the woman he hit, or someone else? He did, even though I don't know her and she lives far away now. He sounded very sorry about it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author GeorgiaPeach1 Posted February 15, 2020 Author Share Posted February 15, 2020 (edited) 1 hour ago, d0nnivain said: If this is a potential new man in your life, steer clear. He told you about the prior slap because he knows it's likely to happen again with you. If there was truly no danger that he would ever lose control like that again and hurt a partner, he would have stayed quiet & you never would have known. He's warning you that you may be in physical danger from him & he's grooming you to be OK with it We've been together almost a year, but I get your point. I'm feeling concerned. Edited February 15, 2020 by GeorgiaPeach1 Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted February 15, 2020 Share Posted February 15, 2020 I believe people can learn from their errors and change. Granted, lots of people don't change, but some do. Have you seen any evidence of his temper either with you or others? Does he have road rage? Get angry when meals take too long to deliver? Link to post Share on other sites
LivingWaterPlease Posted February 15, 2020 Share Posted February 15, 2020 39 minutes ago, GeorgiaPeach1 said: He did, even though I don't know her and she lives far away now. He sounded very sorry about it. That's positive, at least. I don't know. People do change sometimes. Has it been quite awhile since they were together? Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted February 15, 2020 Share Posted February 15, 2020 In my personal opinion, no, although the severity of the hit is certainly an issue. If she had a shiner or he knocked out a tooth or anything, well... Generally once would be a yellow flag (only) in my opinion. I think most human beings have the capacity to become dangerous in one way or another, when pushed far enough or under the wrong circumstances, even if they've never demonstrated it. So, nothing I do or don't say will ever make anyone 100% safe. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted February 15, 2020 Share Posted February 15, 2020 2 minutes ago, mark clemson said: If she had a shiner or he knocked out a tooth or anything, well... Are obvious bruises/injuries more serious? Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted February 15, 2020 Share Posted February 15, 2020 Just my opinion of course, I'm no expert. My thought is that if he hits hard enough to do "real damage", that shows either less restraint or "not knowing his own strength" either of which means greater potential for serious injury. Of course what you're really on the watch for is the emotional potential for abuse or a pattern of it. I.e., it's a "strategy" for dealing with issues or controlling the partner. But spontaneous loss of self control could be dangerous too. Anyone can develop that IMO. Also a person with no history of abuse as a "relationship management strategy" (or however you want to phrase it), might spontaneously realize or decide to begin it. So a lack of history can't really been seen as a true sign of safety unfortunately, IMO. If your partner starts to make you feel genuinely nervous - well, we all have to take that genuinely into account. Link to post Share on other sites
major_merrick Posted February 15, 2020 Share Posted February 15, 2020 I wouldn't worry about it. Things happen. I mean, if he was hiding it, he wouldn't have said anything about it, would he? So he has some honesty in his favor - he's showing you a weak spot so you can evaluate. Besides, people get way too worked up over the concept of relationship violence. For me, I think words hurt more than blows. I'd rather my husband fight with me physically than say something mean (he doesn't do either, just sayin'.) But I'm strong for my size and I'm a good fighter. I wouldn't even contemplate a relationship with someone whose combination of size and skills seriously outmatched mine. I think rather than being nervous all the time, women ought to get some skills, and evaluate potential relationships in relation to those skills as part of the dating process. It opens the world up a lot when you know that if someone hits you, you can give just as much as you get. That's not saying that a violent relationship is a good thing, but you at least wouldn't spend a bunch of time wondering and contemplating history. Also, if both you and your partner have skills, you can be a more competent team if things go pear-shaped and you have to do battle with the bad guys. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
NuevoYorko Posted February 15, 2020 Share Posted February 15, 2020 4 hours ago, GeorgiaPeach1 said: They had a difference of opinion, which led to yelling both ways. He lost his temper for a moment and slapped her, but not hard enough for her to fall or be injured. While they had a sometimes rocky relationship, that's the one and only time he's hit a woman. NO. They had a difference of opinion and yelled - and then he hit her?? This tells you something important about how he deals with conflict. NO. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
NuevoYorko Posted February 15, 2020 Share Posted February 15, 2020 2 hours ago, GeorgiaPeach1 said: We've been together almost a year, but I get your point. I'm feeling concerned. What prompted him to tell you this now, after a year? 3 Link to post Share on other sites
SincereOnlineGuy Posted February 15, 2020 Share Posted February 15, 2020 6 hours ago, GeorgiaPeach1 said: If a man lost his temper ONCE with a previous partner and struck her, does this make him a bad candidate for a relationship? Not if the prospective partner has no other options. But if (s)he's female (???), she does... Link to post Share on other sites
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