3rd date in a row canceled

[Happy Lemming]

This sounds almost like PUA stuff. I don’t know any guys that met their partner through some random pairing off the street.

 

None of my friends (past or present) utilized on-line dating for meeting girlfriends or wives, but I am 54. Are the younger generations dating 100% via dating sites and apps??

 

And no, I'm not a pick up artist, just an average guy.

[Redguitar35]

None of my friends (past or present) utilized on-line dating for meeting girlfriends or wives, but I am 54. Are the younger generations dating 100% via dating sites and apps??

 

 

That explains much of your advice and perspective on this. I can tell you things don’t work like they used to in the “good all days”. Something like where my parents met at work would probably never happen today for example because of things like #me too and the stigma related sexual harassment at work. That’s just one example dating has changed from 20-30 years ago. People are working longer hours and they’re also not as social or approachable.

Edited September 8, 2019 by Redguitar35

[central]

My policy is three strikes and they're out, no matter how attractive they may seem. Three strikes applies only to the most appealing candidates - those of lesser interest get one or two chances, depending on various factors. But never more than three, and they have to make an effort to reschedule - I'm not going to pathetically chase anyone who does not show mutual interest.

 

Life happens, so cancellations can occur. However, repeat cancellations demonstrate disinterest or very poor planning skills, either of which are deal breakers.

[Redguitar35]

My policy is three strikes and they're out, no matter how attractive they may seem. Three strikes applies only to the most appealing candidates - those of lesser interest get one or two chances, depending on various factors. But never more than three, and they have to make an effort to reschedule - I'm not going to pathetically chase anyone who does not show mutual interest.

 

Life happens, so cancellations can occur. However, repeat cancellations demonstrate disinterest or very poor planning skills, either of which are deal breakers.

 

I don't think you understood the OP. These are three different women who have each cancelled before we met, not the same woman cancelling repeatedly.

[Ruby Slippers]

My attitude isn’t the problem. The problem is that I am unable to get people to stick to plans and have had 3 dates in a row cancel before I have had the chance to meet any of these women. What is your explanation for that?

I can't explain what these women are thinking. But they're obviously not intrigued or interested enough to follow through with meeting. Part of it is that people are getting flakier, especially on dating sites, and it's likely that part of it is that these women aren't finding you very compelling, for whatever reason.

 

Many of us have been through the wringer in dating and love, myself included. I've had my blue periods of ruminating on how unfair life and fate can be.

 

Now I'm pretty much over all that, finding ways to enjoy my life as it is. I think this makes it more likely that if I do meet an interesting guy, he'll find me more appealing than if I were complaining about my lot in life.

[Asayi]

These are probably signs from the Universe lol I get it that’s frustrating, but honestly, it doesn’t have anything personal to do with you (unless you text creepy things to these girls and that’s the reason they backed off). Otherwise, life happens all the time. Maybe you’re attractive to girls that are unavailable and that’s why they end up canceling.

 

What do you suggest as dates and what are the hour? I remember being interested by a guy, but he wanted to take me in a shisha saloon (even when I told him that it wasn’t my vibe) + he couldn’t do earlier (I live far away from the place he chose, so I didn’t want to come back home too late). Anyways, I ended up canceling. He was also out of a relationship and I just had the gut feeling that I shouldn’t go and that would be a loss of my time. So I canceled and never met him.

 

The girl who wants to reschedule the date seems interested. I only reschedule a date when I’m interested in the guy. Give her a chance and, in the mean time, keep swiping and planning other dates with other girls. Online dating can be tricky and can make us lose hope lol. I met decent people, but I also got ghosted a few times (and it really hurts because I thought it was my fault and that I wasn’t worthy of a decent rejection loll ), but that’s part of the game I guess. It didn’t stop me from trying again with other people and I realized that online dating is hard. I got a bit sick of it and I recently stopped swiping and going on dates with random Tinder dates. It was fun tho, but it’s very repetitive and I realized I needed a break when going back home was my favorite part of the date haha.

 

Anyways, all this to tell you that I know a lot of people who struggle too with online dating. It’s also known that guys struggle more to get a date than us, girls. You should take this process in a fun way and not too seriously. Dating should be fun. If a girl cancels and doesn’t suggest to reschedule, then delete her number and unmatch her. No need to make yourself sick and obsess over it. Also, use social media to meet other people. There are really fun people on Ig (so you can slide in their dms hahah) and of course, there’s real life, but I get it that you might not be interested by people around you if you already know them and if you always see the same faces.

[justwhoiam]

I am unable to get people to stick to plans and have had 3 dates in a row cancel before I have had the chance to meet any of these women. What is your explanation for that?

 

1. Does the app you use show matches/dates publicly? Or is the whole thing very private?

2. What were the 3 excuses for cancelling?

3. What are your prerequisites to pick a woman for a date? Please list them.

4. Are the women you picked very near to one another? Have you considered they might be friends?

5. I hope you're going to answer other people's previous questions on here (about the guitar, about the place and time of dates, etc.)

 

After having a clearer picture of the situation, I might try and give you my personal explanation.

 

Anyway, just to give you some perspective, statistics say that there's a 20% chance (or lower) that your resume gets answered, at best. So that means that, being optimistic, 1 out of 5 will answer. That implies sending it to the right target though, not just randomly. I have no idea if you are contacting the right target for you. So take some time, while you're at the computer, to think about it, before you cast the nets indiscriminately again.

 

When's your date by the way?

[SumGuy]

I don't think you understood the OP. These are three different women who have each cancelled before we met, not the same woman cancelling repeatedly.

I'd say further information is required to really respond.

It could just be the odds, such events are not distributed evenly.

It could be something local in your area that impacts their ability to follow through.

It could be the women you are picking, some common element.

It could be what you do or don't do in the lead up to the date.

It could be something about you on-line.

It certainly sucks even if their is a reason for it.

[Redguitar35]

1. Does the app you use show matches/dates publicly? Or is the whole thing very private?

What? The only people who know you're matched are you and the other person.

 

2. What were the 3 excuses for cancelling?

 

Girl 1: Something vague about how she had a rough day at work and she needed to get her head right, despite the fact that she already told me that day she didnt have to work that day lol.

Girl 2: No excuse given.

Girl 3: She had a busier day at work than expected

Girl 4: She had to so much laundry to do.

 

3. What are your prerequisites to pick a woman for a date? Please list them.

 

I prefer someone with an interesting style who seems intelligent and not too uptight. But at this point, just someone who will show up.

 

4. Are the women you picked very near to one another? Have you considered they might be friends?

 

I have no idea. My search radius is 40 miles, ages 18-37.

 

5. I hope you're going to answer other people's previous questions on here (about the guitar, about the place and time of dates, etc.)

 

I let them pick the time and the place. Usually they just want to get drinks at a local bar.

 

 

When's your date by the way?

 

She said monday after work, but I didn't ask what time or place. I doubt she's going to keep those plans.

[an0nym0us123]

Similar age and work situation as you op, so i only really meet people on dating apps.

 

Sounds like a string of bad luck, take comfort in the fact you had numerous women agree to first dates in a short space of time. Ive not had a date in 2 months but im in a sparsely populated part of the world.

 

Try not to let it get to you or let it come across to other women you speak to. Fake it till you make it lol.

[Asayi]

Well if you aren’t even willing to plan a first date, I now understand why girls you ’’’’’ask out’’’’’ cancel.

 

A guy who basically asks me to plan everything = HUGE TURN OFF. I HATE it when a guy asks me to choose the place and what we’re going to do. It shows a lack of interest and willingness to put efforts in the date.

 

If you’re not sure if the girl will like the place, make her choose between two places.

 

Now you have your answer. Next time, know how to properly ask a girl out AKA have a plan

[basil67]

My attitude isn’t the problem. The problem is that I am unable to get people to stick to plans and have had 3 dates in a row cancel before I have had the chance to meet any of these women. What is your explanation for that?

 

It's because OLD means massive amounts of multi dating. Short answer is that she found someone she really likes before your meet happened and she is going to give that guy a good chance.

[elaine567]

How old were the women who cancelled?

What is your dating/relationship history?

[Redguitar35]

It's because OLD means massive amounts of multi dating. Short answer is that she found someone she really likes before your meet happened and she is going to give that guy a good chance.

 

In that case, who’s going to give me a chance? I’ve been canceled on three times in a row. When am I going to get a chance? Never?

[Redguitar35]

how old were the women who cancelled?

What is your dating/relationship history?

 

21, 26, 25, 27.

[elaine567]

21yo - far too young for you, she obviously made up an excuse.

As did the others really - laundry???? That good old emergency washing machine load... date or washing? - obviously laundry wins...

 

As they are all at least 8-10 years younger than you, I guess you may be fishing in the wrong pool.

You are not prime beefsteak to them, they have a lot younger fish to fry, people in their own age group, people who "get" them, so they bail.

[Redguitar35]

21yo - far too young for you, she obviously made up an excuse.

As did the others really - laundry???? That good old emergency washing machine load... date or washing? - obviously laundry wins...

 

As they are all at least 8-10 years younger than you, I guess you may be fishing in the wrong pool.

You are not prime beefsteak to them, they have a lot younger fish to fry, people in their own age group, people who "get" them, so they bail.

 

I have my age range set to match women 18-38. I have never received a match or a message from anyone over 27. Where I live in the midwest, it is rare to find anyone at the upper end of that range who isn't married or has kids. The only option single guys my age have is to date down.

[elaine567]

I have my age range set to match women 18-38. I have never received a match or a message from anyone over 27. Where I live in the midwest, it is rare to find anyone at the upper end of that range who isn't married or has kids. The only option single guys my age have is to date down.

You are in your mid thirties, 18-25 is verging on the creepy...

[Redguitar35]

You are in your mid thirties, 18-25 is verging on the creepy...

 

Why are you ignoring the 25-38? What's your explanation for them missing in action? I guess that wouldn't have made for a snarky enough comment.

[elaine567]

Why are you ignoring the 25-38? What's your explanation for them missing in action? I guess that wouldn't have made for a snarky enough comment.

The older age group are a tad more appropriate.

 

Why they bailed? I guess it was due to lack of interest. No dying relatives or broken legs there...

An interested woman will drag herself out of her sick bed, cross multiple state lines, brave snow storms and tornadoes, fix broken down cars. ignore hard days at work, and lastly... the laundry can wait for another day...

[Redguitar35]

I give up. Mods let's lock up this thread, I'm giving up on dating.

[justwhoiam]

Hey, calm down! I'm answering your posts

 

What? The only people who know you're matched are you and the other person.

Ok, that's good. You never know these days, so I asked. This is positive.

 

Girl 1: Something vague about how she had a rough day at work and she needed to get her head right, despite the fact that she already told me that day she didnt have to work that day lol.

She clearly opted out. 21 is barely legal to have drinks in some states. 21 is not in your best interest, and she did you a favor. You need something different at your stage in life.

Girl 2: No excuse given.

Same as above, but guess what? She didn't even feel she owed you an explanation. Which makes me think this one has more experience in the dating department and can't even bother. I'd pass and move on.

Girl 3: She had a busier day at work than expected

Lame. Especially because you said she was not working that day. If her plans had changed, she would have told you. So I guess you can spot something fishy.

Girl 4: She had to so much laundry to do.

Ok, this is the lamest excuse I've ever heard. I would only understand it and barely for a woman who has kids and the next day is the first day of school or something like that. For anything else: ridiculous.

 

I prefer someone with an interesting style

What's an interesting style to you? Outgoing? Or are you referring to the way they dress?

who seems intelligent and not too uptight.

Honestly, I thought you had some standards at least like her smoking status, kids/no kids, previously married/not previously married, working/studying, etc., but you didn't list anything specific.

 

But at this point, just someone who will show up.

That's exactly casting the nets indiscriminately. If so... prepare for massive failure. Because - as I said - you ask the wrong target, you'll get more no's.

 

I have no idea. My search radius is 40 miles, ages 18-37.

18-25 is generally speaking too young. These girls might be studying, they might just want to have fun, etc. If you're 35, I'd search between 28 to 34, to begin with. Then if things are unsuccessful, I might broaden the age range a bit, 27 to 36. You could extend the radius to 60 miles. Everyone loves the comfort of having someone near, but it narrows your chances of finding someone. Also, you should casually ask (if that's not clear in their profile already) what is their dating style, if they date casually, no strings attached, for fun, or if they're looking for a real match in their life. You want to screen out partners, if you don't want to waste time. Experience of whatever kind is never a real waste of time, if you ask me, but that's how you perceive it, and I can understand you not wanting to interact with the wrong target.

 

I let them pick the time and the place. Usually they just want to get drinks at a local bar.

If you want to stand out as a man, and want to get more results, you can put in some effort and do something different than any other man on the app. Get a moment to examine that profile that drew your attention. See what her tastes could possibly be like. If she says she loves the outdoors, you could say: I'd love to go out for a drink... but if you're up for something different, we could go out on a bike trail Sunday afternoon. This is something more personal. It would give me the idea that the guy actually read my profile and would really like to do something fun with me (and more points, she'd know you can have interests in common). If she says she likes the movies, you ask her about that (what movies did you see recently? what is your favorite one?), etc.

 

She said monday after work, but I didn't ask what time or place. I doubt she's going to keep those plans.

Ok. Monday after work to me means "I don't think anything good could come out of it, but let's give it a try, after all, why not?". There's more chance for you that the date will show up. Friday and Saturday night... would be left for guys who they're really interested in. And probably casually going out for drinks is not the greatest date for them for one of those nights. A dinner would be. But maybe where you live, in the Midwest, it's different.

Also, my reasoning would be, if I'm asked out for dinner, this guy is really interested in me.

 

So basically: change your target slightely, try to know your target better, don't be eager to set up a date right away the first week you talk to them. Make sure you pick something they'd love to do for the first date, but something fun and which won't keep them for too long. Then see how it goes.

 

Your attitude - as others said before - plays a key role regarding how potential partners perceive you. Never play the victim, be cheerful.

Edited September 9, 2019 by justwhoiam

[nospam99]

I have my age range set to match women 18-38. I have never received a match or a message from anyone over 27. Where I live in the midwest, it is rare to find anyone at the upper end of that range who isn't married or has kids. The only option single guys my age have is to date down.

 

I wasn't paying attention to the implications here. I assume the OP is 35. Dating down is NOT the ONLY option. I understand you may not want a single mom. But that IS an option. And from a demographic standpoint, ANYWHERE in the US that's going to increase your selection. To be fair, from 35 to 63 I was 'married with children' (began 'living in sin' at 31). Plenty of men in the US reach that status of fatherhood at a younger age than I did. Single moms in your age range? No surprise.

[Redguitar35]

I wasn't paying attention to the implications here. I assume the OP is 35. Dating down is NOT the ONLY option. I understand you may not want a single mom. But that IS an option. And from a demographic standpoint, ANYWHERE in the US that's going to increase your selection. To be fair, from 35 to 63 I was 'married with children' (began 'living in sin' at 31). Plenty of men in the US reach that status of fatherhood at a younger age than I did. Single moms in your age range? No surprise.

 

I’m not interested in dating a single mom.

[basil67]

Something like where my parents met at work would probably never happen today for example because of things like #me too and the stigma related sexual harassment at work.

 

How do you explain all the posters here who talk about issues related breaking up with a person who they work with? If nobody is dating at work, then there can't possibly be breakups.