I don’t know how to stop.

[Just a Guy]

Hi Folks, I just don't get it. The OP did date her husband for a while before marriage and he was exactly as he is now, a man with a low sex drive. She had to beg him for sex before he was able to perform and often enough was not able to ejaculate. Given that she is so driven by her need for sex wasn't this a large enough RED flag for her to run a mile from him and look for another man who would fit her profile for a future husband? If one dives into water when one cannot swim then what's the point of complaining that one is drowning? Who can help one especially if there is no knight in shining armour around to rescue one?

 

This is just such a sad story but unless the OP is prepared to change things around, nothing is going to change in her situation. She alone is the master of her destiny. Just my opinion. Best wishes all around.

[SummerDreams]

 

There were plenty of opportunities to turn this ship around along the way... plenty of opportunities to make a different decision.

 

 

If people were able to recognize their mistakes before they make them, then nobody would ever make mistakes.

[BaileyB]

If people were able to recognize their mistakes before they make them, then nobody would ever make mistakes.

 

It’s never too late to correct a mistake. What we are all suggesting is, she has the ability to right the mistakes she has made along the way, to right the ship if you may... And she hasn’t done that. Because, it’s hard. So, she has taken the easier path, the road less travelled... And, she is still unhappy. And now, she’s in even more of a bind.

 

Just a guy said... you hit the nail right on the head.

[elaine567]

I don't believe the husband gave "serious" permission or that he would be happy in an open marriage, hence why the OP doesn't go there. She knows it would hurt him and he would think less of her or may even divorce her.

As for poly she doesn't want a poly arrangement with the husband... God Forbid!

She wants to be in a poly arrangement with a "real" man/men...

[SummerDreams]

It’s never too late to correct a mistake. What we are all suggesting is, she has the ability to right the mistakes she has made along the way, to right the ship if you may... And she hasn’t done that.

You see it that way. I see that she has made the best decision for the happiness of her kid, which is the first priority for a mother.

[BaileyB]

You see it that way. I see that she has made the best decision for the happiness of her kid, which is the first priority for a mother.

 

I don’t disagree that a Mother’s first priority should always be the wellbeing and happiness of her child. We just have different ideas about how to go about making that happen... and, that’s ok.

Edited August 17, 2019 by BaileyB

[DKT3]

You see it that way. I see that she has made the best decision for the happiness of her kid, which is the first priority for a mother.

 

Hmm, interesting. So you're saying having an affair is putting the well being of your child first? Boy I've seen some apologiest here but this is extreme.

 

I believe only people who lack empathy would think this way

[elaine567]

Hmm, interesting. So you're saying having an affair is putting the well being of your child first?

...I believe only people who lack empathy would think this way

 

I don't believe that.

It is a pragmatic decision that many make every day. Many men decide they need more or more varied sex or want a younger model, and instead of a divorce they get an OW.

They do not break up their family, their kids get to stay at home and their lives are not disrupted.

The OP is a woman but is doing the same thing.

[SummerDreams]

She is in a sexless marriage and her H doesn't even care. Nevertheless he is a good father and he provides for his family AND for her mother who would be homeless if not for her daughter's help. She meets her OM and has sex with him once a week or two weeks. You can barely call that an affair. Plus her H is not totally unaware, he knows that his W wants a sexual partner and he has offered her an open marriage. So I don't find this the typical affair story where the BS is just totally unaware because they think everything is perfect and they are completely shocked to find out about the affair. So given the circumstances I find this the best solution.

 

 

 

I wonder if this story was about a man who was in a sexless marriage and he would go have sex with his mistress once a week, what would people say? I bet there would be many who would feel for him "dude a sexless marriage is hell, I feel you, you do your thing". Just saying.

[BaileyB]

She meets her OM and has sex with him once a week or two weeks. You can barely call that an affair.

 

Say what? A woman meeting a man once a week for sex is most definitely a physical affair, by any definition. Is there a reason why you are trying to minimize and normalize this affair. This kind of comment is typical of the mental gymnastics that are shared by many a cheating spouse on this site....

[SummerDreams]

Say what? A woman meeting a man once a week for sex is most definitely a physical affair, by any definition. Is there a reason why you are trying to minimize and normalize this affair. This kind of comment is typical of the mental gymnastics that are shared by many a cheating spouse on this site....

I'm not a cheating spouse. Could you reply to my whole post without the need to call me names? You can disagree, that's your right, no need to try to shade me.

[BaileyB]

I wonder if this story was about a man who was in a sexless marriage and he would go have sex with his mistress once a week, what would people say? I bet there would be many who would feel for him "dude a sexless marriage is hell, I feel you, you do your thing". Just saying.

 

For real? Read some posts here friend, the standard response is to tell this man to divorce his wife, so that he can find a partner to give him the love and affection he desires. Further, to free his wife from her cheating husband because she deserves more for her life than a man who could treat her so disrespectfully.

[BaileyB]

I'm not a cheating spouse. Could you reply to my whole post without the need to call me names? You can disagree, that's your right, no need to try to shade me.

 

I did not call you a cheating spouse. I said your comments were typical of those that many a cheating spouse will share on this board.

[SummerDreams]

I did not call you a cheating spouse. I said your comments were typical of those that many a cheating spouse will share on this board.

My comments on this thread follow the story of this thread because it's my opinion that the OP has chosen the best way to keep most people happy given the circumstances. In other threads with cheating people I consider the whole story and I may have another opinion. I don't like to be like "you are cheating? shame on you, you are a bad person, how dare you" if I don't know the whole story. This woman here is not the typical cheater who likes to have sex outside her marriage. She has suffered for years and she has realized that the only viable solution FOR HER to be a good enough mother and happy as a woman is what she has chosen to do and I respect her decision exactly because I have empathy, which someone said I lack.

[elaine567]

I have been on many sexless marriage threads and yes there are people who tell the man to go find sex elsewhere. They tell him that his wife has broken her marriage vows by not having sex with him and that therefore he is perfectly entitled to go find another woman to have sex with, an OW, a ONS or even an escort/prostitute - all acceptable...

[Mr. Lucky]

She has suffered for years and she has realized that the only viable solution FOR HER to be a good enough mother and happy as a woman is what she has chosen to do and I respect her decision exactly because I have empathy, which someone said I lack.

 

I'd disagree that she's pursuing a "viable solution". And the road to good motherhood and personal happiness isn't paved with cheating and lies, or she wouldn't be here posting.

 

The OP's marriage is broken, probably irretrievably so. She needs to stop trying to hold together something already blown apart and start considering a realistic future...

 

Mr. Lucky

[mark clemson]

She meets her OM and has sex with him once a week or two weeks. You can barely call that an affair.

 

I'm sorry, what universe is this taking place in again?

 

 

It is a pragmatic decision that many make every day. Many men decide they need more or more varied sex or want a younger model, and instead of a divorce they get an OW.

 

They do not break up their family, their kids get to stay at home and their lives are not disrupted.

The OP is a woman but is doing the same thing.

 

Yes, the "garden path". It seems to offer a compromise "solution" - until it ends in emotional distress and/or blows up.

 

 

I have been on many sexless marriage threads and yes there are people who tell the man to go find sex elsewhere.

 

True. There are also plenty of folks giving other advice, no? E.g. insist on having your needs met or end it and then move on, etc.

 

 

I agree OP has found a "solution". The problems with OP's "solution" are:

 

- It makes her miserable and causes a lot of stress

- It endangers her marriage and her family's emotional well-being

- It endangers MM's marriage and their well-being as well

 

OP, I see multiple ways out of this for you. Unfortunately, given the specifics of your situation, all of them carry significant downsides:

 

- End the A, work on the marriage (not likely to succeed in a satisfactory way)

- End the A, ask H for the suggested open marriage "for real"/openly (risks causing problems in the marriage, possibly major ones; however, there is a chance it won't if he's serious)

- Continue the A until it ends or blows up (carries risk of either 1 or 2 above depending on how it ends; IF there's a Dday, you don't control the timing or nature of the experience for your BH)

[pepperbird]

op,

I don't know if you have gotten therapy or not, but it sounds to me like you are very sad. It sounds like you have a need in you that isn't really for "sex" per se, it's to feel loved and valuable. Somewhere along the line, it really sounds as if you've gotten affirmation and sex all tangled up.

 

You're trying to fill a hole inside yourself any way you can, but you're treating people really badly when you do so. That's a hit to your self esteem ( you actually do care about your husband and don't want to hurt him) and round and round it goes.

 

 

 

Apart from the physical side of sex, what do you get from it? Are there other ways of getting those same positives that comes with a lot less risk to yourself and others?

[pepperbird]

This woman here is not the typical cheater who likes to have sex outside her marriage. She has suffered for years and she has realized that the only viable solution FOR HER to be a good enough mother and happy as a woman is what she has chosen to do and I respect her decision exactly because I have empathy, which someone said I lack.

 

 

Seeing it this way actually shows zero empathy. In fact, it shows a rather curious lack of empathy for anyone. It's like encouraging an arsonist to light fires because it makes them feel good in the moment, never mind the long term consequences. That's the way a child thinks, and the OP sounds like she is a lot more mature than that.

[mark clemson]

Apologies - not to distract from PB's good points above, but I forgot one more to consider:

 

- Divorce (ends the marriage and presumably the affair as Rosegold can now attract available men; has the benefit that RG can look for a new husband/partner who actually fulfills her needs)

[Buffer]

Hi, there has been a fair few post around the issue you have raised.

However; only some really speak of your husband and his actions or lack there of.

 

Have you asked, I mean really asked if he is gay and in a relationship with you for the social and family aspects? Or have you asked, I mean really asked if he is Asexual? As previously stated hubby may be lacking for a medical reason such as Erectile Disfunction and is too embarrassed to talk or seek medical assistance, he may have a very low testosterone level and again is too emotionally embarrassed to seek assistance.

You seem to have just written him off sexually but want what he can offer supportive to you.

 

As you said you are not really in love with him, but it is the assistance he provides parenting that you seek. You don’t want to be a single parent.

 

You are open to a polygamy relationship, would that be with two men? You, your husband and lover in the one house? As if you brought another woman into the home you still wouldn’t get you sexual desires met.

 

You question of what thought your MM has is strange, he his getting sex and your needs are being met, who cares what his thoughts are?

 

Hope this makes sense.

[elaine567]

You are open to a polygamy relationship, would that be with two men? You, your husband and lover in the one house?

 

She already said "Not with the hubs".

She was fantasising, not I guess serious, about the poly arrangement, nor is she serious about the open arrangement either. She can't risk alienating her husband as she needs his support both financial and physical in caring for their child. If he starts to despise or lose respect for her, because she is sleeping with other men, he may pull his support.

Big difference between having low drive and standing back and allowing his wife to sleep with other men. I guess his "permission" was not a serious proposition, hence why she has not tested it and prefers to keep her affair secret.

 

This "Go and sleep with other men/women if you want to, I won't stop you" is rarely meant to be taken seriously, as some have found out to their cost...

Open arrangements need discussed in depth before they are embarked upon, throw away comments do not really count...

[stillafool]

Hi Folks, I just don't get it. The OP did date her husband for a while before marriage and he was exactly as he is now, a man with a low sex drive. She had to beg him for sex before he was able to perform and often enough was not able to ejaculate. Given that she is so driven by her need for sex wasn't this a large enough RED flag for her to run a mile from him and look for another man who would fit her profile for a future husband? .

 

The problem is some women want one certain man so much they overlook major red flags and clear evidence that the man is not in love with them. This is obviously what happened here since OP's husband has never changed since they married. He really can't be blamed.

[stillafool]

She already said "Not with the hubs".

She was fantasising, not I guess serious, about the poly arrangement, nor is she serious about the open arrangement either. She can't risk alienating her husband as she needs his support both financial and physical in caring for their child. If he starts to despise or lose respect for her, because she is sleeping with other men, he may pull his support.

Big difference between having low drive and standing back and allowing his wife to sleep with other men. I guess his "permission" was not a serious proposition, hence why she has not tested it and prefers to keep her affair secret.

 

This "Go and sleep with other men/women if you want to, I won't stop you" is rarely meant to be taken seriously, as some have found out to their cost...

Open arrangements need discussed in depth before they are embarked upon, throw away comments do not really count...

 

By law, he cannot pull his support. The courts will demand he support his child. Plus this man probably loves his child and wants to support her. In this case I really don't feel the husband cares if she has sex with other men. His behavior towards her has been this way before they even married, she had to beg him to have sex in order to have a child. This man does not care.

[elaine567]

In this case I really don't feel the husband cares if she has sex with other men. His behavior towards her has been this way before they even married, she had to beg him to have sex in order to have a child. This man does not care.

 

Big difference between not wanting/being unable to have sex and being OK with your partner sleeping with others.

I also do not equate lack of sex with lack of care/love.

 

Sounds like he has performance issues, doesn't mean he wants his wife to have sex with other men, nor that he doesn't love, care for her. The man also supports her disabled mother, so he is hardly a heartless ogre...