BaileyB Posted August 15, 2019 Share Posted August 15, 2019 That's the easy answer, I believe it has more to do with abandonment....I judging from your reaction to the Ashley Madison guy when he was not interested. Agree. There is the unwillingness to sacrifice standard of living and accept the responsibility for caring for a child as a single parent... both, big things but not impossible to do. And then, there is the question of why she hitched herself to a man with whom she did not have an intimate relationship, reaction to the man who was not interested, and the need to be in a relationship with an unavailable man - but one who provides validation, attention, affection, and a certain security... Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted August 15, 2019 Share Posted August 15, 2019 No... I guess I’m not explaining this well enough. That’s not it at all. I suspect that the relationship is so broken at this point, she honestly doesn’t care what her husband does anymore... Link to post Share on other sites
DKT3 Posted August 15, 2019 Share Posted August 15, 2019 I'm not sold on her husband's lack of effort. Her words and actions are so selfish in nature that I honestly think she is saying a majority of this stuff to justify her cheating. I agree she should be divorced, but because she simply isnt marriage ready. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted August 15, 2019 Share Posted August 15, 2019 I'm not sold on her husband's lack of effort. Her words and actions are so selfish in nature that I honestly think she is saying a majority of this stuff to justify her cheating. I agree she should be divorced, but because she simply isnt marriage ready. If you read the backstory, he was essentially asexual before they married. They had barely been intimate, she had to convince him to have sex with her... I do believe that he hasn’t not put the effort into the sexual aspect of the relationship. That said, all the signs were there before they married... Have you seen a counsellor Rosegold? Have you attempted to do anything to work through these issues/your feelings in a constructive way or have you been focusing only on making yourself feel better by seeking a sexual relationship with this MM? Link to post Share on other sites
DKT3 Posted August 15, 2019 Share Posted August 15, 2019 There is too much contradiction to makes sense of any of this. Want to fix the marriage, dont care about the marriage, want an open relationship but don't want husband to find anyone because he dont understand sex(whatever that means) All rumblings Of an inherently selfish person who is actually using several men to better her life with no regard to how it will impact everyone else affected by her actions. Good luck 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted August 15, 2019 Share Posted August 15, 2019 (edited) I hear what you are saying DTK3. I personally see a woman who married the wrong man. All the signs were there before the marriage, but they were ignored. The husband clearly doesn’t understand sex, or rather - sex is not important to him. It has never been important to him, pre-existing the marriage. Still, they move through life and have a child - as the illusion that her marriage is not what she had hoped it would be starts to fade and the cold, hard reality can no longer be denied that there is no sexual or emotional intimacy in her marriage. Having existed as such for several years, Rosegold has come to place of ambivalence toward her husband/marriage - it doesn’t mean that she doesn’t wish that it was different - but she has come to a place where she neither cares whether she or her husband are faithful. The marriage is effectively dead. She selfishly, and foolishly, thinks the answer to her problem can be found outside her marriage... and begins to chase and get herself involved in some very inappropriate relationships with unavailable men - only to learn that this does not solve her problems... In fact, it creates more problems. But more importantly, it doesn’t alleviate the anxiety she feels because she isn’t meeting her needs as it relates to basic human needs - the need for love, affection, emotional support, and security. Desperate to avoid divorce, because she is fearful of losing the one thing she does have - the financial, emotional, and practical security of her marriage... she is desperately looking for some kind of “fix.” Even though, in truth she has lost all faith and given up on her marriage a long time ago... Fear and the need for security has been the basis of so many of these decisions. Whether that is a fear of abandonment or more likely, a need for financial and emotional security... the answer to your problems will not be found with your husband or a MM - you have the answers to all your problems and they can best be found through counselling... You CAN find a better future for yourself Rosegold - a man who loves you and wants to have a life with you. But, you will need to gather your strength and make the hard decisions - end your marriage, end your affair, and create a new home for yourself and your child. When you are ready... Edited August 15, 2019 by BaileyB 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author RoseGold18 Posted August 15, 2019 Author Share Posted August 15, 2019 There is too much contradiction to makes sense of any of this. Want to fix the marriage, dont care about the marriage, want an open relationship but don't want husband to find anyone because he dont understand sex(whatever that means) All rumblings Of an inherently selfish person who is actually using several men to better her life with no regard to how it will impact everyone else affected by her actions. Good luck I do want to fix my marriage, but I don’t know how to “fall back in love”. I do want an opened marriage and I don’t care if my husband as well has other relationships but what I am trying to say and explain to you is that I don’t want my husband to judge me or treat me differently because I am sleeping with someone else. He doesn’t understand the need for sex. He has no need for it. What I mean is we’re civil towards each other. I don’t want my husband to treat me poorly or lose respect for me as a person. Does that make sense? Also a big part of it is denial. I don’t want to admit to myself and to others that my marriage is a sham. My marriage is for show and for convenience. I kid you not, some people think we have the perfect relationship. I am having a hard time with leaving and admitting to myself and to the whole world that we have failed. Not only failed myself but failed my son. I can’t explain it. I am trying to make the best with what I have. A relationship on the side isn’t the answer, I know. But I crave that attention and the sex. I grew up in such a dysfunctional family. I really have come out and crawled my way out of poverty. I have literally tried so hard to make my life something. I was happy. I was content even though my husband was never into sex I felt like he had other qualities that I liked. But I lost it. I feel out of love by the lack of intimacy. We don’t even sleep in the same room. I want to get that feeling back. I know he is never going to be what I need physically. I realize that. But I would like to just get the love back so that I can try to work on this marriage. I don’t have it in me right now to try. I am in therapy. I feel so helpless by all of this. I wish I didn’t care about sex. I wish I could wake up one morning and no longer think about it. Instead I wake up hoping that I’ll see the OM so that I can have some sort of excitement and intimacy in my life. And the resentment builds. It builds every time I have to go out to get sex because my husband has no desire to have sex with me. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
spiritedaway2003 Posted August 15, 2019 Share Posted August 15, 2019 I do want to fix my marriage, but I don’t know how to “fall back in love”. I know you talked to your husband about the lack of intimacy/passion. A little late, but a serious question: Have you both sought marital counseling together? Seems like he's not hearing your needs at all, or think it's serious enough of a problem. Link to post Share on other sites
Mrin Posted August 15, 2019 Share Posted August 15, 2019 Simple fix: open the marriage. Tell your husband that you are taking him up on his offer to open it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author RoseGold18 Posted August 15, 2019 Author Share Posted August 15, 2019 I know you talked to your husband about the lack of intimacy/passion. A little late, but a serious question: Have you both sought marital counseling together? Seems like he's not hearing your needs at all, or think it's serious enough of a problem. Yes, once. I know my husband would go again but I know that to give our marriage a real chance at counseling I would have to stop my affair. That’s where I can’t bring myself to stop this affair. I know I will have to do it one day. I know it will end. But I can’t bring myself to stop the affair because I don’t love my husband. I am having such a hard time explaining myself. Sorry I guess I am just having a hard day today. I’ve made some awful choices in my life and I just don’t know what I am doing anymore. I’m not cut out to be a single mom. I’m not cut out to feel like I broke up my family. I wish I could be stronger. I wish I had a stronger support system. I don’t have anyone. My mom relays on me. Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted August 15, 2019 Share Posted August 15, 2019 I am having a hard time with leaving and admitting to myself and to the whole world that we have failed. Not only failed myself but failed my son. I suppose that depends on your definition of “failure.” Staying in an unhappy marriage, raising my son in a home where there is no “love” or affection shared between his parents, engaging in an affair with a married man who can not provide you what you truly want... Feeling this anxious, and depressed, desperate, and unhappy every day of my life - That, to me, would be failure. Finding a loving and supportive relationship where I could live authentically and raise my son in a happy home... that would be success to me. Link to post Share on other sites
Author RoseGold18 Posted August 15, 2019 Author Share Posted August 15, 2019 I suppose that depends on your definition of “failure.” Staying in an unhappy marriage, raising my son in a home where there is no “love” or affection shared between his parents, engaging in an affair with a married man who can not provide you what you truly want... Feeling this anxious, and depressed, desperate, and unhappy every day of my life - That, to me, would be failure. Finding a loving and supportive relationship where I could live authentically and raise my son in a happy home... that would be success to me. True... good point. But I guess I feel like it’s a secret that my relationship is so terrible. Everyone thinks it’s fine. I also have a fear that I’ll even be more miserable if I left my marriage. Link to post Share on other sites
DKT3 Posted August 15, 2019 Share Posted August 15, 2019 I dont think anyone is confused by what you're saying, the confusion is that it logically makes no sense. You hammer your husband about an open marriage but you're scared he will judge you for having sex with other men. Here is why its illogical. By hammering him about an open marriage you've told him 6ou want sex with other men. So this idea that you fear his judgment isnt logical. What does make sense, because you have already cheated with at least two men is you fear your husband making another connection. It makes sense because your biggest fear is not having your husband around to pay the Bill's and watch the kid while you enjoy your sexual activities away from the home. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted August 15, 2019 Share Posted August 15, 2019 I know that to give our marriage a real chance at counseling I would have to stop my affair. That’s where I can’t bring myself to stop this affair. I can’t bring myself to stop the affair because I don’t love my husband. And thus, you go round and round, like a dog chasing his tail. Obviously, you will not be able to have feelings of love for your husband again when you are having monkey sex with another man. It's just not possible. You really are stuck in a tough place - want to love your husband again, but won't give up your affair want to find a relationship that brings you happiness and affection, but won't divorce your husband. don't want to lose your husband's respect/potentially your marriage, won't ask for an open marriage Round, and round, and round you go... At some point Rosegold, you are going to have to make a decision. You are going to have to do something that scares you if you want to find peace and happiness. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted August 15, 2019 Share Posted August 15, 2019 (edited) I guess I feel like it’s a secret that my relationship is so terrible. Everyone thinks it’s fine. I also have a fear that I’ll even be more miserable if I left my marriage. Who cares what other people think? Nobody has to know the truth of your marriage. Marriages end everyday. I'm sure if you told people you were filing for divorce, they would be surprised but they would move on with their own lives the very same day... A universal truth that people fail to remember... Your life is not as significant to other people as you may think... Most people are so focused on their own lives, they could care less what is happening in yours... As to your fear, it's possible. It's also possible that you could find great happiness. Rosegold, if you have brought yourself out of a dysfunctional childhood and poverty to educate yourself and build a good life for yourself, then you are stronger than you give yourself credit. I have to wonder, if you did what scares you most, you might discover a resiliency and a strength that you never knew you had... Edited August 15, 2019 by BaileyB 1 Link to post Share on other sites
DKT3 Posted August 15, 2019 Share Posted August 15, 2019 Bailey, I believe you are operating with the assumption that she actually wants to change her situation, she doesn't. What she is really looking for is a way to alleviate her guilt. You see status quo is a perfect set up for her under the circumstances. The illusion of a perfect marriage, a man helping pay the bills and look after the child and an exciting secret sex life on the side. The problem is it will all come crashing down around her and she will be forced to face all her fears at once. Sadly, some people feel bored and unhappy without chaos and dysfunction. OP having grew up that ways suggests she is one of them Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted August 15, 2019 Share Posted August 15, 2019 It makes sense because your biggest fear is not having your husband around to pay the Bill's and watch the kid while you enjoy your sexual activities away from the home. At best, I think her unwillingness to leave her marriage and her desire to seek a solution in an affair is based in her childhood trauma, and a desire to seek security. At worst, I think her unwillingness to leave her marriage is based in her own selfish desire, she does not want to leave the comfort of her home where her husband helps her to pay the bills and care for her child. The truth is probably a little of both. And, I don't know that the fear is as much that the husband will step out - given what has been shared, that seems unlikely. I think the fear is actually that despite what he has said, he will not want a wife who is sleeping around with anyone who will have her and he decides to leave the marriage. That would be my fear... Despite what he has previously said, it's a big gamble to take... to call his bluff. Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted August 15, 2019 Share Posted August 15, 2019 Bailey, I believe you are operating with the assumption that she actually wants to change her situation, she doesn't. What she is really looking for is a way to alleviate her guilt. Sadly, some people feel bored and unhappy without chaos and dysfunction. OP having grew up that ways suggests she is one of them Perhaps you are right. You always have great wisdom to share... Having not grown up with chaos and dysfunction, I can't imagine ever living this way... Link to post Share on other sites
DKT3 Posted August 15, 2019 Share Posted August 15, 2019 Maybe emotionally speaking. My man mind says he already knows these things. I would not be shocked if he already knows or suspects she is stepping out. I mean if a woman comes to her husband and says hey we should have an open marriage after knowing that sex is an issue he would have to be mentally incompetent to not put the pieces together. Nah, I'm not buying the judgement bit, but then again she doesn't have to convince me. It's much simpler than all that. Selfish woman who wants what she wants but can't figure out how to keep all the balls in the air guilt free. Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted August 15, 2019 Share Posted August 15, 2019 My man mind says he already knows these things. I would not be shocked if he already knows or suspects she is stepping out. I mean if a woman comes to her husband and says hey we should have an open marriage after knowing that sex is an issue he would have to be mentally incompetent to not put the pieces together. Agree. But assuming that he has connected the dots, he must have decided that the situation works for him - because he stays. He maintains the comforts of his home, dual income, co-parenting, appearance of a happy marriage... all while sleeping down the hall and avoiding intimacy with his wife. This solution clearly meets his needs or he would not stay. I'm not convinced that this guy isn't in fact homosexual, not asexual. It's much simpler than all that. Selfish woman who wants what she wants but can't figure out how to keep all the balls in the air guilt free. Definitely. But, people usually do things for a reason... and I think the dysfunctional childhood has more influence on her decision making than OP can even begin to understand. An emotionally healthy woman doesn't get herself into this kind of situation, and she generally doesn't try to solve it in this way... Link to post Share on other sites
Amethyst68 Posted August 15, 2019 Share Posted August 15, 2019 This isn’t really who I am and I know it’s wrong. I've read the thread but couldn't really get post the quote above. You've been cheating in a LTA, this is a choice, not a mistake or a little slip up. This is exactly who you are, own it and stop minimising your actions. You also say you don't know how to stop, of course you do - it's not rocket science you just don't want to. Your husband has already agreed to open the marriage, book some MC appointments and discuss the situation with an uninvested 3rd party to set out the rules. Who knows you may be surprised, perhaps it's just that it's you just don't do it for him.... Link to post Share on other sites
DKT3 Posted August 15, 2019 Share Posted August 15, 2019 He isnt asexual, I think women throw that around alot here when cheating on thier husband's. Truth is a very small percentage of the worlds population is truly asexual. It's more likely that he is simply not sexually attracted to her. Why? I dont know. Could be he himself is cheating, could be he is into things sexual that he fears she wont like. Could be he is homosexual. Bottom line is they dont enjoy sex with each other but clearly what to remain married. With that dynamic the solution is really simple but OP fears him having the opportunity to join her in the open marriage. It could possibly work for them but she has to start being honest, starting with being honest with herself. I suspect she does in fact love her husband, i believe she does in fact want intimacy with him, but I also believe that if there was intimacy she would still be unfaithful. Why? Because she doesn't know what a healthy relationship looks like, she doesn't understand that happiness come from within and no one person will ever be every you desire them to be. Link to post Share on other sites
Timshel Posted August 15, 2019 Share Posted August 15, 2019 In this social media, narcissistic, jonesy society a person doesn't get how some people are driven by how things will 'look' to others, lol. My guess is if OP went with her lover, she'd be deflated and befuddled so fast her head would spin. The lower social status combined with actually living with this person doing every day mundane life would suck all the air out of her Disneyland. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted August 15, 2019 Share Posted August 15, 2019 My guess is if OP went with her lover, she'd be deflated and befuddled so fast her head would spin. The lower social status combined with actually living with this person doing every day mundane life would suck all the air out of her Disneyland. Agree, I think she has already said he has three children and she has absolutely NO desire to be parenting four children... So, I even think that's a consideration. Not to say that she wouldn't get into another relationship, thinking that her happiness will be found with that man... never to learn that happiness does come from within, and real life can't possibly compare to the "high" she gets from an affair. I also agree with DTK3, I think things would be very different in her marriage if her husband would be intimate with her. She has previously questioned whether he is/is not on the autism spectrum - which means, emotions and sex may well not be his thing... whether he is truely "asexual" or not. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted August 15, 2019 Share Posted August 15, 2019 Seems ridiculous that a young woman(35) with a young child(4) needs to hire herself out to some married man (with 3 kids, who isn't leaving his wife) in order to get some sex. How can this possibly work long term? A divorce is in order here and go find a man who will love you and have sex with you too. I get the mother of 4 kids not wishing to leave to be a single Mom, but one kid? This sounds like something you will live to regret big time if you do not get your act together. Link to post Share on other sites
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