I don’t know how to stop.

[OatsAndHall]

It’s true that my husband said we could have an opened marriage but I was scared that it would change the way we treated each other if he really knew.

 

We haven’t had sex in 1.5 years. Before that it would be once every 3 months, sometimes once every 6 months. When I was pregnant we went over a year without sex as well.

 

There is no intimacy between my husband and I. He is either asexual or gay. I can’t figure it out and at this point I really don’t care.

 

 

You had a few choices when your sex life fell apart. You could have gone to therapy and tried to work it out. If that didn't work, you could've thrown your hands up and gotten a divorce. Those would have been completely reasonable and healthy ways to handle the situation. But, you chose to have an affair; certainly not a healthy nor proactive way to handle the situation.

[DKT3]

Me expecting more than sex once a month is pounding the masculinity out of my husband?! I mean I’ve had other relationships before and sex has never been an issue.

 

Once a month is no where near asexual. Secondly I guessing you are not a very hood listener, you make sex feel like a chore so let me put more pressure on you, you must be gay since we only have sex once a month.

 

At some point you have to understand you are playing a role in all this. Unlike a few other posters I actually blame very little of this on your husband. You made the comment that he still doesn't know what you like sexual after 10 years...so who's fault is that? His for not being able to read your mind or yours for not communicating it to him?

 

Listen, you've posted about three sexual relationship you've had on this site, you've had a problem in all three. I suspect that you've had issues in every relationship. At some point you have to recognize YOU are the problem.

[BaileyB]

I don’t know his wife and I don’t ever want to meet her because then I would feel too guilty.

 

Other posters have previously said that most men can have an affair and it won’t affect their home life or their love for their wife so why would I feel guilty about that? According to the MM they have issues for sure but they have sex regularly so him sleeping with me isn’t taking away from him having sex with his wife.

 

I do feel guilty sometimes about the time he spends with me away from his wife who is at home with 3 small children but we try to make it brief. Every time I bring it up he says it’s no big deal. I view it as the same as hanging out with a friend.

 

Well, isn’t that convenient for you. You don’t want to meet the woman who’s husband you are having sex with because YOU would feel guilty. After all, they are still having sex... so, why should you feel guilty about the affair?

 

Of course, he says it’s no big deal to be away from his children - he’s having sex. Why would he ever want to go home and spend time with his children when he has a woman offering no strings attached sex.

 

Rosegold,either you are incredibly naive or you seriously lack empathy.

 

According to the MM his wife knows about me and according to him he openly calls me his girlfriend. I have no idea if any of this is true.

 

This makes me think that you are unbelievably naive... because, if you believe this, then I have a bridge to sell you... This is MM talk for - I want you to keep having sex with me...

Edited August 16, 2019 by BaileyB

[RoseGold18]

Once a month is no where near asexual. Secondly I guessing you are not a very hood listener, you make sex feel like a chore so let me put more pressure on you, you must be gay since we only have sex once a month.

 

At some point you have to understand you are playing a role in all this. Unlike a few other posters I actually blame very little of this on your husband. You made the comment that he still doesn't know what you like sexual after 10 years...so who's fault is that? His for not being able to read your mind or yours for not communicating it to him?

 

Listen, you've posted about three sexual relationship you've had on this site, you've had a problem in all three. I suspect that you've had issues in every relationship. At some point you have to recognize YOU are the problem.

 

I’m sure I’m to blame somewhat because I haven’t communicated to my husband what I like sexually but that’s because he doesn’t want it. He doesn’t try to please me.

 

3 sexual relationships that have been a problem?

 

1. Ashley Madison guy obviously was just using me for that one time hook up. Not my fault.

 

2. Maybe an ex that I complained about because he used me for sex and want me to dress slutty for him everywhere we went. Encouraged me to get a boob job and got mad if I gained too much weight (which I never did the whole time we were together) but he would make me feel guilty about chewing too much gum because it was 5 calories per stick. Who was emotionally and physically abusive. Is that the sexual relationship you’re talking about

 

3. Maybe the one when I was molested when I was 11 by a marine who was my stepdads friend who was charged criminally in court where I had to testify in front of a jury about what happened while his wife sat in the gallery laughing at me because she thought at the age of 11 that I was making it up?!? He ultimately got kicked out of the marine Corp, served jail time, has to register as a sexual offender and he got a divorce. Is that the situation you’re referring to?

 

I literally have never had a boyfriend not desire me sexually. This has been my only issue with lack of sex in my life. In fact that’s what drew me into my husband in the first place because he was the first guy to not use me for sex or be obsessed with it like all my previous relationships.

 

I think it’s clear that you don’t like me. If you’re not trying to help me and you’re just trying to make me feel worse then just stop commenting on my post.

Edited August 16, 2019 by RoseGold18

[RoseGold18]

Well, isn’t that convenient for you. You don’t want to meet the woman who’s husband you are having sex with because YOU would feel guilty. After all, they are still having sex... so, why should you feel guilty about the affair?

 

Of course, he says it’s no big deal to be away from his children - he’s having sex. Why would he ever want to go home and spend time with his children when he has a woman offering no strings attached sex.

 

Rosegold,either you are incredibly naive or you seriously lack empathy.

 

 

 

This makes me think that you are unbelievably naive... because, if you believe this, then I have a bridge to sell you... This is MM talk for - I want you to keep having sex with me...

 

 

Oh, you think I believe him? I don’t believe him. I just don’t care. I’m cheating on my husband....why would I care if the MM is cheating on his wife?!?

[BaileyB]

I just don’t care. I’m cheating on my husband....why would I care if the MM is cheating on his wife?!?

 

As Timshel said, it’s a pretty straight line and it’s not particularly palatable.

[DKT3]

I'm merely pointing out that you are blaming your husband and not taking any responsibility. You say he is asexual because he only wants sex once a month, maybe you should look up asexual. You call him gay because he doesn't want sex as much as you, you ask several times for an open marriage, you've cheated with at least two guys in a year and claiming you done so much to improve your situation, not one of the things is productive towards fixing your lack of sex. Pointing out the obvious makes you feel bad, maybe you should reflect on your behavior.

[RoseGold18]

I'm merely pointing out that you are blaming your husband and not taking any responsibility. You say he is asexual because he only wants sex once a month, maybe you should look up asexual. You call him gay because he doesn't want sex as much as you, you ask several times for an open marriage, you've cheated with at least two guys in a year and claiming you done so much to improve your situation, not one of the things is productive towards fixing your lack of sex. Pointing out the obvious makes you feel bad, maybe you should reflect on your behavior.

 

Because I have tried for over a decade to try to fix my relationship and I’ve given up. The two guys in the last year is it. There has been no others.

 

Sex once a month was during our “prime” and I literally had to beg and bitch to get that.

 

After we were married it was more like once every 3 months.

[DKT3]

Ok I have to ask, you put so much importance on sex, do you believe that is the only way men show love? It seems that you're looking for more from sex then sex. Validation? Acceptance?

[RoseGold18]

Ok I have to ask, you put so much importance on sex, do you believe that is the only way men show love? It seems that you're looking for more from sex then sex. Validation? Acceptance?

 

No I don’t think it’s the only way but I want to have orgasms while I’m still young enough to enjoy it. It relieves stress for me. It makes me feel good. I can’t get that from my husband. Our relationship is not like that.

 

I know sex isn’t even love. It’s separate. I think my husband loves me in his own way but it’s not in a sexual way.

[DKT3]

So what exactly have you done to promote a more sexual relationship? I've seen nothing productive. Calling him gay or nagging him isnt going to make him want to have sex. You clearly don't communicate well so what methods have you used?

 

If I'm being honest, I believe you are a deeply unhappy young lady, I think in some ways you wouldn't know how to maintain a good situation. This has deeper implications because now your child's future is on the line. I really think you should stop worrying about how much and where your going to get sex and even these men and start worrying about creating a healthy lifestyle for your child(ren).

[Turning point]

What was the sex like before you got married and soon thereafter? How did you manage to get pregnant?

[RoseGold18]

So what exactly have you done to promote a more sexual relationship? I've seen nothing productive. Calling him gay or nagging him isnt going to make him want to have sex. You clearly don't communicate well so what methods have you used?

 

If I'm being honest, I believe you are a deeply unhappy young lady, I think in some ways you wouldn't know how to maintain a good situation. This has deeper implications because now your child's future is on the line. I really think you should stop worrying about how much and where your going to get sex and even these men and start worrying about creating a healthy lifestyle for your child(ren).

 

Honestly, not much because I have never had to be the initiator. I’ve never been in that role. Usually guys are more aggressive sexually and I just have to show up and be a participate. I’ve never had this issue so it’s been hard for me to try to figure out and understand.

 

In the last I’ve tried outfits, lingerie. Didn’t work... he wasn’t interested because he thought I was going to put on my nurses outfit and his mother is a nurse. I have/had many outfits because my ex was into it. I wasn’t going to put on my nurses outfit but he didn’t communicate with me and I just thought he didn’t like lingerie because he said that was for the movies or something like that.

 

I tried little cute outfits to just wear around him. Short skirts cute tops with my big boobs. I used to be a size 3. He didn’t really get excited. We would literally sit down and watch a movie on opposite sides of the couch when we first started dating.

 

I tried taking to him about it gently at first like do you like me? Are you okay? What’s wrong? We talked about it a lot but things never really improved. We would have sex more often in the beginning but it was never mind blowing and I knew it was because he was inexperienced.

 

I am not inexperienced so I would go down on him and try to make it more exciting for him but even back then he always had an issue with ejaculating. We never used condoms because I’ve always been on the pill and he just wouldn’t ejaculate most of the time.

 

Then afterwards he would always get up to leave to play video games. There was never any sort of cuddling or bonding afterwards. He never got tired afterwards. In fact he told me it woke him up instead.

 

Vacations, nights away at friends houses getting drunk or smoking pot, Valentine’s Day, birthdays... didn’t matter. We rarely would have sex. He would say maybe tonight and then would stay up all night playing video games.

[RoseGold18]

What was the sex like before you got married and soon thereafter? How did you manage to get pregnant?

 

I got pregnant by taking ovulation tests and trying to have sex while I was only ovulating.

 

Sometimes he couldn’t perform when I needed him to. It took 3-4 months.

[RoseGold18]

If I'm being honest, I believe you are a deeply unhappy young lady, I think in some ways you wouldn't know how to maintain a good situation. This has deeper implications because now your child's future is on the line. I really think you should stop worrying about how much and where your going to get sex and even these men and start worrying about creating a healthy lifestyle for your child(ren).

 

I am deeply unhappy. I believe I am depressed.

 

It’s been very difficult for me to function. I have my good days and my bad days. Some days I just have no energy at all and I am in a funk.

[Turning point]

... my marriage is a sham. My marriage is for show and for convenience.

 

Because you loved the idea of him, rather than the person. If what you say about your husband is accurate then this is how you got here. Now you're stuck on the inside of all that empty wrapping paper - the fake gift that looks so grand from the outside.

[mark clemson]

Sadly, some people feel bored and unhappy without chaos and dysfunction. OP having grew up that ways suggests she is one of them

 

 

I actually disagree with the chaos part (although not the dysfunction). OP seems to have everything in place, in a way, to meet her needs. (Although maybe when things eventually crash down, which you mentioned in that same post, that brings the chaos.)

 

 

 

... wants what she wants but can't figure out how to keep all the balls in the air guilt free.

 

want to love your husband again, but won't give up your affair

want to find a relationship that brings you happiness and affection, but won't divorce your husband.

don't want to lose your husband's respect/potentially your marriage, won't ask for an open marriage

Round, and round, and round you go...

 

THAT's more like it I think.

 

Rosegold has her situation set up very well, in a completely dysfunctional way. Controlled husband who pays the bills, kid and nice lifestyle, MM on the side for "great sex" but who also makes her feel like a whore. (And agree with Elaine about the probable psychological roots of this.) In a way, all her needs are met.

 

 

 

I believe that she is actually satisfied with her situation, outside of the guilt.

 

The crazy I see here is that I think she'd love to do what's completely impossible and merge all of these together somehow so that she has all of them without it being an emotional grinder that's slowly crushing her as well as a house of cards that will in all likelihood eventually collapse.

 

Unfortunately it IS a house of cards and the individual components are mutually exclusive. A controlled husband doesn't normally give great sex. MM belongs to someone else. Opening the marriage or admission of the affair risks destruction of the happy home.

 

You've built yourself a sort of perfect prison of dysfunction here, OP. At least until part of the structure actually breaks...

[BaileyB]

What does your counsellor say Rosegold? What do you talk about and what kind of progress have you made in counselling? Because, I don’t see any progress from the last time you posted except to say that you don’t seem to think that the sun rises and set on your MM - you have yet to talk about having a future with this man...

[Turning point]

I am deeply unhappy.

 

Ya think? That was obvious from post #1.

 

Would you like to know happiness?

[RoseGold18]

Ya think? That was obvious from post #1.

 

Would you like to know happiness?

 

Yes, I would. I used to be happy.

[RoseGold18]

The crazy I see here is that I think she'd love to do what's completely impossible and merge all of these together somehow so that she has all of them without it being an emotional grinder that's slowly crushing her as well as a house of cards that will in all likelihood eventually.

 

Yes! I would totally be down for a sister wives set up/polygamy.

[mark clemson]

Polyamory. That would require discussion with your H tho. You'll need to decide if you're actually up for that talk. Sounds like so far you haven't been - not worth the potential risk...

[RoseGold18]

Polyamory. That would require discussion with your H tho. You'll need to decide if you're actually up for that talk. Sounds like so far you haven't been - not worth the potential risk...

 

Yeah, not with the hubs.

 

I just don’t believe in marriage anymore and would be opened to other ideas or lifestyles.

[Turning point]

Well, the good news is that you can do this.

 

It's work - real work. You're gonna need professional help to do it. You'll have to face some truth about yourself you won't like, and some things in the past you thought you were over.

 

Do you know what a divining rod is? [virgula divina] It's generally known as a forked stick which in the hands of the right person would react with spasms thought to indicate the presence of minerals or water.

 

Sweetheart, you're using your vagina as a divining rod. Replace every instance of the word "orgasm" with "fulfillment" and you start to get the picture.

 

You describe your husband as weak and that's why you married him. He's the one man that will never hurt you (..and you want him to hurt you.) Your description of good sex parallels descriptions of violence, and you climax with men who degrade or diminish you.

 

You need help to learn what real desire looks and feels like instead of this "event" you've come to identify as a Hallmark of something that eludes you. You'll settle for an orgasm because that's the one thing you can feel.

 

Start with this, and get some IC. Shop around if you have to - good counselors aren't easy to come by.

Edited August 16, 2019 by Turning point

[El Duendecillo]

What does make sense, because you have already cheated with at least two men is you fear your husband making another connection. It makes sense because your biggest fear is not having your husband around to pay the Bill's and watch the kid while you enjoy your sexual activities away from the home.

 

This^^^^^^