Are his intentions good & I'm letting my insecurities take over?

[kendahke]

Don't expect devotion from the first glance. You set your own self up for disappointment and heartbreak when you allow your imagination to get ahead of what is actually falling out in experience in real time at your feet.

 

Yeah, he may prefer insta-girls who post---nothing you can do about what his preferences are. You have to be secure enough in yourself to know that no matter what, you're good enough and don't need him or any other guy to validate that for you. You're not there yet---and you should really take some time to move your psyche in that direction before life drags you in that direction--it's way more painful that way than taking the work on yourself in a pre-emptive fashion.

[Versacehottie]

....I'm sitting at work now convincing myself that we may not talk anymore and that's okay because that's what guys do, they show u interest, you click & then ghost and dont say a word about it. Again,i know this is all in my head but that's how i have become and i hate it.

 

Ok, this part is your insecurities taking over. First you want to be reasonable. Sure he has options but I'm guessing you do as well. Right now, from the monitoring of his social media and reading into it as it applies to your potential relationship, i would say you are jumping too far ahead and making him too much of a priority. It sound like your insecurities and anxiety of wanting reassurance are clouding smart judgement at the moment. You don't even really truly know him well enough to know if HE is a suitable boyfriend for you. So stop giving him that position without him earning it. I think it helps to keep in mind that there will always be someone who is not as pretty as you and those that are prettier than you--not to mention this is subjective anyway and you don't know how a guy will judge this anyway. Plus let's be fair to guys: while they place a lot of emphasis on physical attractiveness, it generally takes much more for them to pick someone as a girlfriend. It's not just looks with the majority of them and there are many other traits they care about as well. IMO, you'd do best to bring confidence to the table with WHOEVER.

 

Secondly, you are falsely turning your thoughts into catastrophic thinking with the belief that everything is going wrong and not going to go your way. Here's the thing--i do think based on your latest post that it's possible that dating just one person and settling down for with a girlfriend MIGHT NOT be what this guy is looking for right now. You can't predict the future and you don't have enough information YET to decipher what his intentions are fully. You know why? In part, because he probably doesn't know yet himself. The best thing you can do is not decide you are sure about him yet. You know why? Because you don't have enough information about him yet either--what his character is, if he is compatible with you and if you want to let him into your life in that way. So you have to relax and enjoy that process or at least participate in THAT process which is always a risk. If you cannot handle the risk, then you might as well drop out right now. I don't think that's true. I think you can handle the risk--if you want to. If you choose to keep discovering with him, there is no point to torture yourself over every uncertainty. That certainly won't allow you to bring your best and will likely sabotage your chances with whichever guy.

Edited August 5, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[toomanyquestions123]

This made really much better. Every word of it is completely real. The jumping into conclusions, the need of reassurance, the uncertainty of the future-everything. Actually, every time i vent here that he didnt text me in 10 hours, he calls me lol, it's like he has account here. And even at night, he askedme if I'm okay because i seem upset and to relax and everything will be okay. It's all in my head, i will enjoy the ride and date other people. Thank you for that.

Edited August 4, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
quote removed

[frus69]

Since you already know you are insecure, you should actively avoid activities that creates ambiguity,misunderstanding,jealousy and insecurity. Starting from NOT STALK HIM ON SOCIAL MEDIA.

 

I dont understand why so many people like FB or Insta search the person they date. Just.stop.

[elaine567]

Not sure why it is not understandable.

People who meet on OLD do not have the back up of friends, relatives, neighbours, work colleagues etc. to get a "feel" of the person they are dating, so they go looking or clues and what better than social media?

 

They do not want to be made a fool of, so they try to reduce the risks, by sussing out who that person is, by their footprint on SM.

Better to find out he is married/attached early doors, or his friends are decidedly "dodgy" or he has some pretty controversial views... etc. than refuse to go looking and be heartbroken months down the line when you find out the truth...

Edited August 4, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
quote removed

[toomanyquestions123]

Although i met him in real life and we have friends in common, i stalked him anyway to add up on my anxieties:P

Edited August 4, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
quote removed

[Versacehottie]

I know people do snoop on people they care about on social media but i agree with frus, it's not a good idea if it actually FUELS your anxieties and insecurities. I would guess once you look on there 9 times out of 10, it causes more questions and anxiety than having answered any or reassured you, right?

 

The anxiety and insecurity you will carry into your very next interactions with him. So it's not good to do.

[frus69]

Not sure why it is not understandable.

People who meet on OLD do not have the back up of friends, relatives, neighbours, work colleagues etc. to get a "feel" of the person they are dating, so they go looking or clues and what better than social media?

 

They do not want to be made a fool of, so they try to reduce the risks, by sussing out who that person is, by their footprint on SM.

Better to find out he is married/attached early doors, or his friends are decidedly "dodgy" or he has some pretty controversial views... etc. than refuse to go looking and be heartbroken months down the line when you find out the truth...

 

Im sorry but you want to have a real sense of feeling of their lives through their social media ? LMAO.

 

Do you believe Instagram is an accurate depiction of life? Really...

[elaine567]

NO but it may give an insight into their family, their friends, their social circle what they think is important, their views on life etc.

It may also show up their wife, their kids, their gf...

Plenty info can be gleaned from a SM page if you look past the superficial stuff and delve a bit deeper.

Edited August 4, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
quote removed

[frus69]

NO but it may give an insight into their family, their friends, their social circle what they think is important, their views on life etc.

 

How about ASK HIM?

 

It may also show up their wife, their kids, their gf...

Plenty info can be gleaned from a SM page if you look past the superficial stuff and delve a bit deeper.

 

Do you presume guys are always lying, and you dont trust their words so you feel the need to investigate yourself?

[toomanyquestions123]

Social Media is important but digging much into it is unnecessary. But for example, if someone is stalking my Insta, basically he will know a lot of info from it; They will know that i like to travel, that i'm very single, that i dont have random men, that its private, my interests, etc... Anyway, all is well so far BUT i didn't see him since we went to the beach and I don't like this. Last week, he didnt ask me out except on Saturday, I went to a wedding and he went to a different wedding. After the wedding, he was going to club with his friends and he asked me to join, i told him i can't since I'm car pooling with some people and going outside the town. He kept talking to me the whole night he was out clubbing that how much he wishes i was with him; I told him he should plan ahead if he wants to see me so i can plan accordingly, he told me that he likes spontaneity i told him well look what your spontaneity did. I don't know how to approach with this subject, i dont like not to see someone im dating for more than a week. And now it's Monday, i would love him to ask me out on a proper date or i really start losing interest.

[frus69]

1. If you havent already done so, start initiating to see him sometimes, or he will think he's the one doing all the work and he will start losing interest.

 

2. "well look what your spontaneity did" makes you sound very high maintenance. He asked you out, only to get blamed. This is not encouraging at all and i wouldnt blame him if he doesnt want to ask you out anymore. If you want him to plan ahead, say "sorry cutie but i made plans. ask me earlier next time ;)". No need to throw a piss at him.

 

 

3. This is the ultimate one: you need to decide whether you accept seeing a guy less than x times a week and stick to your standard. You guys may not be on the same page. He seems laid back and you seem gung-ho. There is nothing wrong if you require high level of attentiveness and passion (me too), but you need to find a man who has the same style or you are just bringing yourself headaches.

 

 

I suggest you start being warmer and start initiate things with him and see if you guys will end up spending more time together. Then decide whether that level of interaction is good enough for you and stick to your decision.

[toomanyquestions123]

@frus69....

 

I am okay with seeing him 1-2 times per week. I know he is busy, I am also busy, and i do not want to see him more than that at the current being. But, he doesnt seem to initiate a lot. On saturday, he asked me out at 12:00, i have my plans. I told him to do something on Sunday and he told me its his rest day since he is tooo tired. We are talking now, and i might hint that i want to see him soon because i miss him? or this is not appropriate to say?

Edited August 5, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[frus69]

How long have you been dating ? How often do you really talk to each other and how often do you see each other? And how many of them were initiated by you ? Hinting doesn't count

Edited August 5, 2019 by frus69

[toomanyquestions123]

Now it's been 20 days since i met him, we talk everyday at least 3-4 times per day, he said "morning" today, he always wants to know what I'm doing, he sends me pics, his updates etc... His brother had an accident last week and he immediately informed me.I know he is interested in me, but we only met 3 times after we met. I asked him out once when we went for drinks and clubbing, also when we went to the beach I told him I'm going on this day if u would like to join. So basically, i asked him twice out of three times. The third time he asked me to go for a run. That's why, I'm not sure i should also ask him out this time to take me on a date; he is smart enough to do that, and i need to see effort from his side.

Edited August 5, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[frus69]

So basically 3 weeks dating, constant talking but once a week date?

Tell him " I'd like you to see you more " then a smiley face. See what he says, and if he puts it into actions. And decide from there

[Versacehottie]

Listen, I get it wanting to see him and being excited about it but right now you are just in "waiting" mode and getting needy, insecure. You can't want THIS more than he is willing to give and hasn't proven he is worthy of you. Then you are wanting a relationship but the guy is no good (for you). If you keep proceeding with this vibe, you become an obligation not something you both are doing because it's authentic and suiting both of you.

 

In one way, it's ok that it came out that you would like him to plan better if you want to see each other. But you have to do it less pouty, needy, insecure--like you are afraid to lose him or that if not with you he will be talking to other girls. It needs to be the reverse, where his lack of planning to see you makes him worried you are slipping away. It's not a game--it's economics. Anyway, since it's out just go with it. But you need to change the vibe--right now it's getting desperate on your end. That's no good. Have you been busying yourself with the rest of the stuff in your life and other guys? I'm thinking not genuinely. You've got your mind so much on this one that he is 'sure' you will be right there. You need to flip it or he will lose interest.

 

I think you aren't really "losing interest"; you are getting frustrated and annoyed because he won't speed it up. I get the feeling you are in some part of Europe, am I right? If that is the case, IME, multi-dating and taking this much time between dates is not as common as the US (or at least in my knowledge/experience), so I can see why you are getting so anxious. But that won't help your cause.

 

I do somewhat agree with frus that you can initiate with this guy--as long as you do it with a confident attitude. It has to be proactive--not like you are opening your schedule all over the place just to see him. That won't work. More like if you are going to be in his area, give him that spontaneous call & see if he can meet for something small--if he can't, the ball is back in his court.

[frus69]

I sort of understand her frustration because if he doesnt plan things, she doesnt know when she can see him again, or if she will ever see him again. There is no next date on the horizon.

 

She said she initiated two dates out of three. This new piece of info almost changed my whole opinion. A guy who doesnt plan dates doesnt put relationship as a priority. He sounds interested, but is in no hurry to take things to the next stage. However OP sounds very keen for things to progress further. Neither is wrong but I strongly feel they are just not on the same page. OP should either slow down or find another man who has relationship in mind.

 

If I were her. I'd just make a final attempt and tell him I'd like to see him more, in a positive,non-accusative way, and see if he will step up.

[toomanyquestions123]

@versacehottie...

 

My neediness comes from the thought that if he really is into me, then why is he not dedicating some time to see me once at least in a week? I live in a country in the middle east, and i know he finishes work at 5-6 pm and then hits the gym till 9-10 every day. He doesn't sleep until 1-2 am. He lives 7 minutes away from me by car. I would like him to spontaneously ask me out after for a cruise for example. In both cases, i do not want to ruin it with this guy because he is a decent one, and i have a good feeling about it. That's why I'm writing about him here, i do not want my insecurities to push him away. I am keeping my self busy; yesterday, i went for a jog, i asked him if he could join, he couldn't because he was still at work, then at night, i told him i went for a jog with a friend (a guy). I wanted him to see that i am gonna do activities anyway. I am not gonna ask him out again, the ball is in his court, he is travelling next Wednesday to Malta for a vacation for few days, i would like him to ask me out before, I'm gonna just relax and see what he is going to do about it. I do not want to sound clingy in any mean because i want to see where this is going to go.

[h0000]

I dont blame you for being insecure. I think he contributed to a large part of it. I would also be insecure if a guy never schedule dates. It feels like he's gonna check out anytime. Spontaneous is fine but there should definitely be more planned dates too.

 

I very much agree that " if he really is into me, then why is he not dedicating some time to see me once at least in a week". Relationship is not going to progress if you dont spend real time with each other. If a guy only texts but doesnt arrange meet ups, it's very low effort put in and I'd guess it's because of either one of below:

 

He's not super serious about building up a relationship, just likes the casual fun and attention;

He's also seeing other woman

 

I wouldnt only blame you for everything, I have a feeling he may not be as good as we thought he was. I definately dont think relationship is his priority.

Edited August 6, 2019 by h0000

[toomanyquestions123]

@H0000

 

Ugh now that you said it this way, it looks like he is not AT ALL serious about me. INSECURITIES, INSECURITIES LOL

[h0000]

He likes you but isnt all that serious about getting into a relationship, because he priorities his own life before everyone else's and is not incorporating you into his life. This is not how you start a relationship.

 

It feels he wants to see you only when its convenient.

 

I strongly suggest you date other men too.

[Versacehottie]

I sort of understand her frustration because if he doesnt plan things, she doesnt know when she can see him again, or if she will ever see him again. There is no next date on the horizon.

 

She said she initiated two dates out of three. This new piece of info almost changed my whole opinion. A guy who doesnt plan dates doesnt put relationship as a priority. He sounds interested, but is in no hurry to take things to the next stage. However OP sounds very keen for things to progress further. Neither is wrong but I strongly feel they are just not on the same page. OP should either slow down or find another man who has relationship in mind.

 

If I were her. I'd just make a final attempt and tell him I'd like to see him more, in a positive,non-accusative way, and see if he will step up.

 

Totally agree with your assessment!! Not the prescription, though I think she needs to get the dynamic flipped. Coming at him directly is more pressure. He needs to decide HE wants to do this and see her. If he can't/doesn't want to, she will get a small, temporary win, i.e. maybe seeing him once and then I would guess he will fade away.

 

Part of the reason OP is in this situation is because they are not on the same page and she is trying to speed things up due to her anxiety and insecurity and wanting to snag him. To directly talk to him now is just an arbitrary timeframe to get what she wants now and reassure her inner anxieties (i.e. an answer about where they stand, when the actions themselves already bear it out). IMO, it's better to address the internal stuff she has going on and at the same time, give what she is getting from him, to re-calibrate so that they get onto the same page. This dynamic needs to be balanced out in order to move forward. She would be chasing him just because her insecurities need an answer NOW. Rational talk like they are in a relationship is and should be saved for WHEN in a relationship. I don't know if acting the way I'm suggesting will solve what is going on with this guy but I'm almost positive that talking it out with him won't work. She is turning herself into an obligation and a burden rather than something fun you run toward.

 

I think she is worried that he has lots of options because he's an athlete, good looking, fun or whatever--and not smothering her with attention. How does a person fix that?? By correcting the assumption that he's all that to her & having him wonder about her options and interest. You can't slam that into someone's head with discussion. You show them; same as he is showing her where she fits into his life right now. He is not chasing her because she is chasing him, effectively and possibly literally. Any more discussion serves to do the same thing.

[frus69]

Well we both agree he's not showing her attention and he doesn't decide he wants to see her.

 

But you are saying she shouldnt expect that from him, she should slow herself down to match him, she is in a hurry because she is insecure. I dont really agree TBH.

 

I think her expectations are very reasonable. Once a week date is at it's slowest, I dont see how she can, or should, go slower. She's frustrated because of HIM, not her insecurity. Had he planned dates consistently she wouldnt worry at all.

 

I did suggest her to tell him "hey I wanna see you more", but it's not a discussion, not a relationship talk, not serious, only a playful nudge, only one sentence. If he finds this one sentence pressuring, she should move on.

 

I wouldnt wait around for a guy like that. But it's just me. If she doesnt mind waiting, yeah she can drop all her expectations. But she may as well start seeing other people.

[toomanyquestions123]

I feel guilty while typing this but i might ****ed around and ruined it:P

I did the opposite of @versaciehottie advice, yesterday i was pmsing and overwhelmed with emotions; i suddenly asked him: " Why you never ask me out'?

 

That was exactly the conversation:

Him: Lol expected.

Me: Expected?

Him: yes, i expected that u would ask this.

him: Well maybe because I am stingy, maybe because i don't like you, maybe because i am show off. (with a sarcastic emoji)

Me: Don't get me wrong, I am fine with the pace, but it just came to my mind that u barely do it...

Him: Indeed, lately i am barely going out except on weekends, and the last two weekends i had to go with my mom to her town and weddings etc...

Me: Okay, please forgot i asked this,i shouldn't have.

Him: Ask whatever you want, it's not okay to keep what you are thinking about inside.

Me: So basically, we won't go out on weekdays?

Him: Of course we will, everything happens unexpectedly. I hate routines so yes we will.

 

And then i changed the subject & he kept talking to me and sending me pics and videos. I posted a selfie on Insta, he replied by you re such a natural beauty.

 

I don't know if what i did was wrong, but since it started right, i don't want to keep wondering why he is not asking me out, he should know that although we are not in a relationship yet, but he should know that if he wants to date me, he should prioritize some time to see me. Insights?