Are his intentions good & I'm letting my insecurities take over?

[kendahke]

I'm just anxious he will stop communicating out of a sudden, i have my insecurities; my ex fiancé broke up with me out of a sudden and disappeared

 

During the times where he is focused on his life, that is when you do your own work of healing your insecurities WITHIN YOUR SELF because no guy is obligated to stay with you. You can't use another human being like that.

 

If you can't figure out how to self soothe and get a grip on your anxiety, this guy is going to do exactly what the others did---get out from under the stranglehold.

[Versacehottie]

I can see why you'd be anxious if you fiancé disappeared out of the blue. As traumatizing as that may have been and still may be affecting you, it's not any new guy's problem to deal with. It's yours to figure out how to manage your emotions so that you can find a healthy relationship with another person and/or take yourself out of the game a bit until you get a hold of how to manage this.

 

I think while one way to approach anxious situations like this is to try to "hold your horses", i.e. hold back and keep yourself at bay essentially--in a while that is denying yourself the emotion that is going on within you, which isn't good and it will usually express itself in some way or you will hold yourself back so much that it will cause problems in other ways for the person knowing the real you. Also it's passive and reactive. What I think is better and a dual approach at the very least, is to be right where you are! In other words, actively don't jump to the end, i.e. "i want to be with this guy", put yourself in the drivers seat of your own life where you are evaluating on a day by day basis to see if you want to see him, talk to him the next. It's much healthier & less desperate, less anxious. You will be doing yourself the service that you send out a vibe that people must prove to you that they are good enough, relationship minded enough to be in your life in the way you want/need AND you will be seeing if that's true by measuring up in real time and real evidence.

 

As attracted as you may be to someone, I'd take a big guess that your anxiety is the reason you've decided this guy is right for you and are jumping way far down the rood. That in itself tends to drive people away or put you in a power disadvantage which is usually unattractive to guys. Try not to "wait" but "evaluate" and just take things moment to moment and let go a bit.

[Michelle ma Belle]

It's only been 2 weeks!

 

Let that sink in.

 

Although I completely understand your fears and anxiety based on past experiences, you need to keep things in check otherwise your past will ruin any hope for future relationships.

 

Expectations are the death of any relationship. Keep yourself BUSY so you're not checking your phone and counting down the minutes between his texts. The best way to chase him away is to place too many expectations so soon on him and whatever it is you're doing.

 

Relax

 

And honestly, if he does lose interest for whatever reason, so be it. Do you really want to be that girl who chases a man who doesn't want to be caught? If someone is sincerely interested in you, they will make the effort to stay connected no matter the obstacle.

[smackie9]

In this case, no. It's quite apparent that the guys aren't the issue here, but her.

 

The majority of men and women don't want an absolute clingy partner at the start of a dating/relationship situation.

 

She says every guy bolts away. There's a reason for that.

Knowing your self worth and having confidence makes no room for clinginess....that is my message.

[toomanyquestions123]

Your advice from y'all are very helpful really. He hasn't texted me since yesterday afternoon, it's morning now, i'm going out today and tomorrow and i have a wedding on Saturday. Part of me rushing things is, i just miss being in a relationship, two years ago when my ex broke the engagement off, i was never single, i used to jump from a relationship to another. And now, it's summer time, and it's my third summer while I'm single, i just want someone to do all the summer activities with. But this is not a healthy thinking, if he is really interested in me, he will keep in touch no matter what. He seems a healthy man, he is not playing mind games or something, I will try my best to overcome my anxieties when it comes to guys. Even if it doesn't work out with this guy, i need to love myself and have the confidence and self-worth.

[elaine567]

Sounds like this guy is someone who you are going to have to get used to being "single" with, even if you do end up in a relationship.

A professional sportsman is not someone who is going to have much free time to just hang about with you, even if he wanted to.

[d0nnivain]

Doll yourself up for the wedding & see who is around there. I never had any luck meeting somebody at a wedding but I have always heard it's a good place to meet people.

[Versacehottie]

I think it's too much pressure to put all your hope and your social goals into one person, i.e. one potential boyfriend. It's really important to a)love yourself like you are saying b) have relationships with friends, family and activities that nourish you and let you express who you are.

 

Too much dependence on just one person is probably playing into WHY you are anxious and why you feel a need to get this replacement person. If you make your life more fulfilling, you will always have people and stuff to fall back on. My recommendation is to balance that out so that you are never just so into a boyfriend or partner that you let these other parts of yourself and other relationships slide. It's really important.

[toomanyquestions123]

While i worry myself for no reasons, apparently this guy is worrying himself for no reasons lol. Yesterday, when i posted that he still didnt talk to me from a day before, he texted me "*inserts name* are we good?". But i didnt reply quickly so after 10 minutes he calls me and tells me i just want to make sure you are alright because you suddenly "disappeared" LOL. Anyway, while we were talking i told him i feel like going to the beach on Sunday and if he would like to join, he said yes of course, then i said see yourself if u can make it and get back to me coz im going both ways. Then we exchanged texts for the rest of the day and i fell asleep early after having happy hour drinks with my colleagues. I believe i texted him to come and "kiss me" and I am afraid i ruined it I tend to say such things when I am tipsy.

[toomanyquestions123]

I think it's too much pressure to put all your hope and your social goals into one person, i.e. one potential boyfriend. It's really important to a)love yourself like you are saying b) have relationships with friends, family and activities that nourish you and let you express who you are.

 

Too much dependence on just one person is probably playing into WHY you are anxious and why you feel a need to get this replacement person. If you make your life more fulfilling, you will always have people and stuff to fall back on. My recommendation is to balance that out so that you are never just so into a boyfriend or partner that you let these other parts of yourself and other relationships slide. It's really important.

 

I try to fullfill my life as much as I can, i have a lot of friends, a busy job, a family i see every weekend, but the thing is once i meet someone that i want to work it out with, it seems like i do my best so it can work out. But, with this guy i should not cancel my plans to be with him, or wait for him to ask me out or talk to me. I just need to relax and let it takes time as much as it needs to take.

[d0nnivain]

You asked for a kiss not a shag. Relax. Hopefully you will get your kiss on Sunday during your beach date.

[Versacehottie]

I try to fullfill my life as much as I can, i have a lot of friends, a busy job, a family i see every weekend, but the thing is once i meet someone that i want to work it out with, it seems like i do my best so it can work out. But, with this guy i should not cancel my plans to be with him, or wait for him to ask me out or talk to me. I just need to relax and let it takes time as much as it needs to take.

 

Great! So you have the pillars of the a good well-rounded life in place. What I think you might be doing that a lot of women do is have these things as mental placeholders "during the waiting period" before a guy comes along. Effectively you are just marking time with these other things rather than truly enjoying them--otherwise you wouldn't drop their priority completely when a guy comes along or cancel plans on these things.. I think take a more of a leadership role in your friendships and a truly proactive role in choosing how you spend your week, helps you feel more of an excitement about those choices rather than just "reacting" when someone asks you & marking time.

 

I'm glad you handled the beach thing like you did and he reached out in the way he did. Just try to go with the flow as much as possible.

[toomanyquestions123]

We went to the beach yesterday and spent it swimming and cuddling and laughing. I really enjoyed my time with him and once we left, he texted me. He is being consistent in maintaining a contact with me and that is scaring me lol. I am used to flaky guys with coming up with extraordinary excuses. BUT, while we were talking about his past and women, he kept mentioning that when he finds "the right girl" all the things will fall in the right place and everything will go with the flow. Then he said, the one "I want to be with", must love to travel and support me in my sports professional life and do all the crazy things together. I don't know, i felt like he was friendzoning me? I understand it's too early to use the "you" pronoun, but isnt a little bit rude? Anyway, while talking he asked me why i am a rusher and to relax and just go with the flow. I don't know, should i feel worried? Does this mean he is still taking things slowly and doesnt want to make promises with me that he may not keep?

Edited July 29, 2019 by toomanyquestions123

[schlumpy]

Then he said, the one "I want to be with", must love to travel and support me in my sports professional life and do all the crazy things together.

Anyway, while talking he asked me why i am a rusher and to relax and just go with the flow.

 

I disagree with his assessment of you. I think he's the one who's rushing things. He gave you a check list for his future wife. Does he carry an engagement ring in his pocket?

 

Best Wishes

[toomanyquestions123]

I disagree with his assessment of you. I think he's the one who's rushing things. He gave you a check list for his future wife. Does he carry an engagement ring in his pocket?

 

Best Wishes

 

I think his pace is normal, he added once he finds " the right one", he is not talking about me.

[elaine567]

He is telling you what he needs as a partner so that if you are unwilling or unable to travel and support him as a sports professional, then you are not the girl for him.

He doesn't want to mess around with some woman who is maybe stuck career wise or family-wise or who doesn't want to hang around waiting in strange places whilst he is playing or training... He needs someone who is on board with that life.

 

You hardly know him, how can he possibly make any promises to you yet...

[toomanyquestions123]

@elaine567....

 

 

So, he was not saying those stuff because he is not taking me seriously? Because i kind of felt annoyed as if he is talking to a friend not to someone he is dating. I was like "Hello, I am here" inside my mind of course lol.

Edited August 5, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[frus69]

A bit confused what he does really. never heard of someone who is a professional footballer and an engineer at the same time..does he have 48 hours in a day? lol

 

Other than that, he just seems like he's taking it easy. It's good, and you should relax lol

[toomanyquestions123]

Haha, he plays in the national Rugby team; Rugby is not a popular sport in my country thus they just go on tournaments or play on weekends, He is an engineer as a main job.

 

I am most of the times relaxed, until he doesn't text me for more than 24 hours:P Never happened yet, but he didnt text me since yesterday at about 3:00 pm and now its almost 10:00 am. Anyway, I know he will but those are just my insecurities wondering if he will ever reach again:P

Edited August 5, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[frus69]

I thought as professional player he will need to train everyday. And it will make him impossible to have another full time job?

 

Regarding the texts, well instead of always waiting, you should text him too. Or he will feel like you arent interested

[Versacehottie]

I think as to what you wrote here, he sounds into you. Taking it one step at a time. I don't think he said those things to you to mean NOT YOU. He's laying it out as a possibility for you two possibly. It's a chance to say what he's sees himself being like in a relationship in general and you can comment. It opens the discussion IMO. OP, how you interpreted this discussion is where i think your insecurities are getting the best of you. If he's normal and on a date with you, he's not going to be talking about relationships and not mean it to include you--girls typically read too much into it and think they are getting married off one statement but here you are doing the the opposite and thinking "doomed" or "not me". I'm pretty sure that is not what is going on here with the conversation.

 

I think he probably has limited time which is one reason he is going at the pace he is going.

 

As far as his rugby, OP will have to clarify, but if it's a country where it's not a popular televised sport, it's probably like high level recreation almost--which some people take very seriously and if there is enough interest in the sport and a large enough group of people playing & venues, it is almost like semi-pro and the players take it seriously and their own competitiveness drives the training. I think he is basically stating that he doesn't intend to downsize that at this point in his life. I can see that as he is good at it and it's important to him.

[toomanyquestions123]

YESSSS!!! My insecurities got me in this one too, while he was talking about how he wants a woman to be with him, i immediately assumed he is neglecting me and he is just spending some time with me until he finds the "one". I guess my insecurities are an outcome of all the men that i lost time with, and now that I am 29, i do not anyone to waste my time. I was clear with him, i told him i also want a marriage material boyfriend, and i want to make a small family, he asked me how many kids i want and i told him 2 kids, he said me too. So i guess we are compatible when it comes to future goals.

 

Rugby national team here goes on international tournaments and they take their game very seriously, i actually met the whole team when we first me in the fundraising event, they go to events together. But it's not like Basketball here where the player would be dedicated to the sport the whole time. He loves his lifestyle now and is not willing to change it to anyone except for some compromises as per his say.

 

Anyway, I am really dwelling a lot on this, the guy is well-mannered so far, didn't show any redflag, although my insecurities don't believe he is such a sane person and also its very early now and we need a lot of time to both know about each other more.

Edited August 4, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
quote removed

[Versacehottie]

Even though you have marriage and family goals and feel like you don't want your time wasted, that doesn't mean you shouldn't be cautious or that it's a bad thing to move more slowly and get to know a person so you really don't waste your time!

 

So far, it sounds good to me, just keep an eye on everything. Insecurities will do a lot of damage, especially if a guy doesn't have much free time. Plus usually as an athlete they tend to get a lot of attention or at least posture like they are confident with women, which can get the insecurity train going in people that have that tendency.

 

I think until he's your bf, you should date or talk to other guys. That protects your time and even when unsaid, definitely puts out a vibe that he needs to chase you. Not the other way around just because you are there "waiting" and wanting marriage and a family. It also helps you & your insecurities because you see how various people treat you and feel like you have options thus you don't settle for "less than" treatment from the one guy you've set in your sights--girls need to be careful about that cause we have a tendency to do that.

 

The only thing that is a little worrying to me about this guy of what you said here is that he seemed to "put you on notice" of his limited time. While any incorporation of a potential girlfriend into his life would normally be gradual and eventually be more of a priority and thus consume more of his time--just make sure he didn't state it so that he can do whatever he wants and pop in to see you when and if it suits him. You have to make sure that he earns the right to be in your life as a priority before you just hand over your life making him a priority. it should be a gradual process for both of you and each needs to prove that the are worthy of a high priority and the time & investment that comes with that and compatibility. So make sure on each of your ends that you are getting that but not giving blindly. Goodluck

[toomanyquestions123]

Thank you VersaceHottie for your helpful advice, yes so far so good BUT as per what you said at the end, it needs to progress gradually & even though he is a busy person but this does not mean i have to wait for him to have free time so he can see me. I am gonna continue dating, although I am not into multi-dating but I am not gonna put all my hopes and efforts on one guy i barely know. For instance, yesterday he didn't initiate a convo with me, i said hey, he was like are u poking me? i told him my ego wont let me say yes. It took him ages to reply yesterday and at midnight he told me it was a hell of a busy day at work, hard training at the gym and then he went out with friends. I am now having a feeling that he slightly lost interest that might not be true but i just feel smth just because he barely texted me yesterday. So, I am gonna pull out & see what he will do about it. Also, it bothers me that he never asks me out during the weekdays except if we will do sports together. He didn't ask me for a real date either, we just went for a jog and juices after, drinks and club, and last time beach. Am i dwelling too much on it?

Edited August 4, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
quote removed

[toomanyquestions123]

I was looking into his insta page and i checked who is following, he is following a lot of pretty girls with beautiful bodies and he likes a lot of their pictures. I know this is not relevant, but a guy like him can meet a girl everyday, why would he take our dating seriously? I know this is all in my mind, and Its not like I'm ugly, i am pretty but my body is not that fit nowadays. He is not the kind of womanizer though, but he told me he dates frequently but once he is in a relationship he is loyal.

 

I don't know i was feeling better concerning him and now i don't feel the same, and since we barely talked since yesterday my insecurities are letting me feel that he met someone else, and he suddenly felt this excitement he was feeling.

 

I'm sitting at work now convincing myself that we may not talk anymore and that's okay because that's what guys do, they show u interest, you click & then ghost and dont say a word about it. Again,i know this is all in my head but that's how i have become and i hate it.