Should have known better, should have ended it a long time ago....

[BTDT2012]

 

 

It is craziness, I asked how A was discovered by W when he had the DDays and some was his behavior at home creating suspicion then looking into the phone records. Someone W knew saw us together another time. He felt W was only there for financial reasons, stability, etc. He provided a nice comfortable life and she didn't have to work. He said she just told him to stop but there was no request for counseling, no asking to look at the phone, passwords, etc. All the things you would expect a BS to request when something like an A is discovered. That being said I only have his version of the story...

 

 

He likely minimized the facts of the affair. When I first figured out my WH was cheating, I didn't ask for the things that I bolded, simply took his word that he ended it after he changed his phone number. In retrospect, that was pretty stupid.

 

 

Continue to hold fast to NC, you have already given him enough.

[elaine567]

...When I first figured out my WH was cheating, I didn't ask for the things that I bolded, simply took his word that he ended it after he changed his phone number. In retrospect, that was pretty stupid.

You trusted him, he was your best friend, your lover, your husband, if he said he ended it of course it was true, only he wasn't your best friend, your lover your husband any longer, he was a cheater...

[Shock2019]

I should probably give a little background on MM and myself to help clarify a few things..

 

 

I have a trust fund (MM never knew this) my family is very well off and has been for many generations but we do not live like those who typically have that kind of money. I live in a nice neighborhood and have a nice size home with everything I need and it is all paid for, I drive a nice care but it is not a super expensive car. My children's college funds are paid for and they will be financially in a good place when they are adults. It is not known to many that my family has this type of financial stability. I only shared that piece of information with my now xH when we got engaged. I work full time and make a very comfortable living even without the trust.

 

 

MM makes a high 6 figure income. He comes from a generations of attorneys that are somewhat involved in politics. They are what most would consider wealthy. That being said I don't believe money (inheritance/lottery winnings) would be a primary motivation to stay. Now on the flip side of that, losing half of everything he's worked for would be a reason to stay put.

 

 

Also I did not know he was married until almost 2 years into things ( I didn't mention that prior because although it was an awful thing for him to do I still chose to remain in a relationship with him for 4 more years, very poor decision on my part) . He always spoke of the W and marriage in past tense. Prior to knowing he was married the reason I was told marriage failed was something along the lines of it was expected that he marry a woman that will stay home with the children and be involved in community events, charities, hosting parties etc. He met a woman in college he loved very much but she was in medical school and his family did not approve of her or the relationship. He ended the relationship with the woman he met at the university and came home after graduation and married a woman he'd known since childhood (that fit the family criteria - came from the right family, would be thrilled to stay home with kids and do the charity work, etc etc) Anyway he said she was a nice enough person but he never really felt more than friendship towards her (hard to believe since they have 2 children etc) I think resentment built up on both sides, he said she had what she always wanted and ignored him for years and he disengaged from the M. Anyway I found out he was M because my family became suspicious of why his children were never around at certain events etc and they hired a PI, what a mess that was. I was in complete shock. I am not an ignorant person but he hid his life very well for a long time. I never questioned it because we were together so much. Anyway when I confronted him he didn't deny any of it and said it was a terrible situation for all the reasons stated above and he felt stuck. I explained we aren't living in the days of arranged marriages etc and there is always a way to make your own choices and living a lie with 2 people wasn't a good choice. I loved him at that point and I felt sorry for him I suppose and it allowed me to continue (not proud of my choice but it is what it is)

 

 

I can only go by what he told me regarding the DDays prior, it sounded like she had proof then but who really knows. Maybe she was fed up and told him she would D if he didn't stop, sometimes that is the wake up call people need to change. Maybe when he thought about going through with D he realized he had more feelings for W and M and family life than he thought he did. Just knowing his history and family dynamics when he ended it I knew there was no way I could continue to have him in my life. I don't have those dynamics or drama and I can't allow myself to be part of that.

 

 

All of that being said it doesn't make the hurt less to have someone that was so close to you in your life just be gone without warning, it is almost like a death. Then to hear about the vacation and the house etc it was just hard.

[Beentheretoooften]

@shock. My IC told me I have to treat the loss exactly like a death. That person is gone. Hard to do that knowing the person is alive. LOL

[heartwhole2]

I can understand why hearing that they are doing big things that seem to indicate renewed commitment would throw you for a loop. In your shoes I would keep focusing on the fact that I regained my power a bit by ignoring his attempts to reach out. Remember that this was never about him choosing you, so you gain nothing by his interest and los nothing by his rejection of you. This was always about him choosing himself.

 

When I think of your xMM I feel chilled. He was completely fine with pretending to be divorced for two years. He was completely fine with his wife and kids not knowing where he really was four nights a week. He doesn't seem to have been honest with you even in why he was ending the affair. He's obviously a person who doesn't value honesty. I do believe that sometimes people don't really mean to wind up in affairs. They have poor boundaries and poor self-awareness and they get sucked in by endorphins. That's not the case with this man. He's calculating. And so I would bet that all this show of commitment to his wife is calculated to placate her. Once he feels secure in the marriage, he'll continue disrespecting it. Maybe not with an affair, but with other lies that are calculated to benefit him and avoid the natural consequences of his choices.

 

In the midst of mourning the relationship I do think it's important to evaluate why this relationship worked for you for a time. Why were you drawn to a person who would make up an excuse to spend four unnecessary nights away from his children each week? Assuming that you wouldn't make a similar choice yourself, why were you OK with a romantic partner who did? What did you get from the relationship (validation, escape, no possibility of actual commitment) that was worth going against your morals and your long-term self-interest? Did he truly present as a nice, normal, family-oriented man during those two years when you thought he was divorced? If yes, super scary, run away! If no, why did you ignore the signs that he was a self-absorbed loser?

 

It does sound to me like there was finally a "real" or significant DDay. During the other DDays he likely convinced her it was just a friendship that crossed the line, or just interest on your end only. You say she didn't demand anything other than that he end the relationship. Do you feel it's her responsibility to make sure he can't hide not doing what she asked, not his to do what she asks or be honest about not doing it? It seems funny to me to expect the one person who doesn't know they're in a love triangle to be the one responsible for ending the love triangle. Try to step outside of the love triangle as you viewed it for the four years you knew you were in it, and understand that the wife bears no responsibility for it existing or it ending.

 

I do hope I'm wrong about your xMM and that he has at least some small conscience. I hope that he can look himself in the mirror and commit to changing so that he can be deserving of the family he's been blessed with. But whether he takes a thousand high-rolling vacations or renews his vows in a lavish ceremony with his BW, none of that matters now. Your focus is you. Keep on plugging along; 7 months of NC is a great foundation to build on.

[heartwhole2]

To add to the questions about how he presented during those two years, he must have told a thousand lies to explain why he couldn't bring his kids around, right? Enough to spur your family to investigate him. Why were you OK with those lies? Were you feeling like you had already invested so much in the relationship by that point? (Sunk cost fallacy) Are you good at compartmentalizing other parts of your life? Are you OK with lying by omission (I'm guessing your kids never knew he was married)?

 

You thought he was separated/divorced for two years. You didn't go into this with your eyes wide open. No matter how gullible you were, that doesn't make it OK for him to do that to you. You certainly should be angry! But asking yourself why you ignored red flags, why you stayed, why you were OK with involving your kids with all of this . . . these are important questions to ask. When you have a stronger sense of self, you will see through people like xMM more easily.

Edited July 22, 2019 by heartwhole2

[Amethyst68]

Ok I'm really not trying to bash here but it may come across like that. You say it hurts hearing about these big money purchases have you ever imagined the level of hurt his BW would have felt finding out her husband lied to her and choose to sleep next to another a woman 5 nights out of 7, that he ignored his own children but voluntarily spent time with your kids.

 

I'm not negating your feelings and your pain, but at least the last 4yrs of the affair was your choice, something his BW was never given. As for the first 2yrs, I would be asking serious questions if the man I was seeing was not involved in his children's lives because that's a red flag behaviour.

[Amethyst68]

It’s hard to see other viewpoints when you can never experience the other side. @Elaine, idk how a MM can be in that long of a relationship and not love her and still think about her. I Know it doesn’t matter if he does or not but for me, knowing that my AP still loves me and cares about me definitely helps me get through, especially in the beginning. That was just my point, for no other reason than to just maybe make her feel a tad better. The farther I get in NC (which was actually my doing) the easier it gets. And those distractions I mentioned earlier are huge bonuses for me. I’m sad how everything transpired, and how it ended. But I suppose just like most MM, I had too much invested. Couldn’t take a chance. But also for me, I never said I would leave, not once, even when we were peaking. Sure we talked about how it would it be etc...but we both knew. Do you think if MM’s always stated and Stood by that they would never leave their W’s, would AP’s not start an A, would they stop it sooner? @Shock, if he had said I’ll never leave my W, the first time it was even brought up, would you have immediately stopped the A? Curious, but of course, it’s a what-if scenario.

 

LTAs and love, admittedly I've never had one but after reading in various forums including active cheater ones there are different types. Of course there are ones with feelings involved but there are other where the situation is convenient, both parties are married, love their partners but want something the side so have set up something regular on the side. A like FWB, there's fondness but no deep feelings. I've also read where the married person has a LTA with a single AP simply because it's easier than having to find new APs. This is true for MM and MW, people here tend to act as if MM are the sole predators in affairs but their are just as many MW out there looking for APs, it's just that OM don't post here that often.

[Mrin]

Possible explanation: his W inherited or stands to inherit a great deal of money. Hence the ending of the affair but a truthful statement of not trying to rekindle his marriage. Rather, not screw himself (literally) out of a great deal of money.

[mark clemson]

I’m sorry, a MM who carries on a double life with another woman for YEARS and continues to pursue the affair despite numerous d-days doesn’t know guilt. It’s much more likely that there was an inheritance or another woman than a sudden attack of conscience...

 

You are projecting again... let’s deal with reality here.

 

Uh, Bailey as much as I normally agree with much of the great advice you give around here, REALITY is that all the posters speculating about this MM and his motives are doing just that - SPECULATING. People and emotions are complicated - he *might* have more of a conscience wrt his OW than to his wife (unusual true, but not impossible). He *might* have truly loved her and not his wife, for whatever odd reason(s).

 

Saying that others' speculations aren't valid while you are doing THE EXACT SAME THING in projecting what YOU think this person you've never met "must" feel or not feel is, frankly, a little ridiculous.

 

That's how I see it.

[spiritedaway2003]

The bottom line is what is the MM going to actually DO?

 

Sure, it's nice to believe that his I love yous were real, but if he's not going to leave his marriage it really doesn't count for much, does it? It only serves as a stumbling block for the OW to move on.

 

So from my own experience, what is best for me is to realize what he did or did not feel for me is of absolutely no importance if I want to let go and move on. Encouraging an OW to believe that the MM absolutely did love them only puts them in a holding pattern.

 

Unless and until the MM divorces and commits fully to the OW, his "love" doesn't have much value if it keeps her stuck and unable to move on.

 

So OP I strongly encourage you to follow your counselor's advice - focus on yourself. His feelings for you or the state of his marriage are completely irrelevant because he's chosen to stay with his wife. If you want to fully recover, don't go down that rabbit hole.

 

^^^ Thanks so much for sharing this insight. I struggled quite a bit yesterday after a sweet memory of the MM triggered me. And I had been doing so well with NC, though I've begun to recognize that I'm stuck in a holding pattern -- precisely because there were real feelings on both sides. Some days I wished he had never told me that he fell in love with me (and vice versa). We had an EA and we didn't have a full blown A, but it didn't make this 'moving on' process easier. I think knowing that he's thought about me helps me cope a little bit better. I definitely think about him quite a bit (not consciously) because what we had wasn't something I took lightly. I know some guys (or some people) are just better at compartmentalizing that way. Regardless, you're right. His actions speak louder than words. Thanks for this reminder and gem.

Edited July 22, 2019 by spiritedaway2003

[mark clemson]

Here's an alternate hypothesis to some of the speculations above:

 

 

The MM had strong feelings of guilt over his A, but was continually lured in by good sex and strong feelings for OW.

 

Eventually as the novelty and emotions waned his guilt caught up with him. He decided to turn over a new leaf of his own accord and has been working very hard to provide his BS with the best life possible. He got a promotion and decided as part of rebuilding his marriage to spring for a new house and take his family on some nice vacations.

 

Not likely you say? Perhaps, but it's certainly within the realm of possibility. It's speculation, just like all the statements suggesting he had no feelings, no conscience, little love for his children (although I admit it sounds like he certainly didn't put them first during the A), and is now his kissing his newly rich wife's tush 24/7.

[Shock2019]

I hope I don't miss replying to anyone's post. If I do I apologize in advance......

 

@Beentheretoooften, it does feel like a death in many ways and you are right except they are still alive so that makes it harder.

 

@heartwhole2, When I confronted him about being M he did say he never meant/thought he'd have an affair. His lies to me during those 2 years were more lies of omission I think but I really don't know for sure.

He did present himself as a nice, normal family oriented man. He told me he had his children every weekend (he just forgot to mention the W) so he was with them and we would talk and text during those times, he would send me pics of what they were up to. Just seemed pretty normal. He was very polite kind and everything you would look for in a person, or so it seemed.

 

@heartwhole2, I think his lies were mainly lies of omission (doesn't make it any better) like telling me he had his children every weekend but omitting the wife and marriage aspect. My xH and I agreed in our custody agreement we would not introduce significant others to our children until the relationship was serious and was long term, so I did not introduce him to my children during that time either. We spoke of our children etc but we both agreed we weren't ready for that yet...then I found out he was M.

 

When I found out he was M I was in love with him. I he said he wasn't going to be M to her "much longer" I never engaged in conversation when he made comments like that but I assumed it meant he was looking to leave. So I supposed that is why I stayed. Then the last year he said he was filing for D. I suppose that is why I felt it was ok to introduce him to my children plus they are older now, looking back it wasn't the best decision on my part. I can't answer all of the why's as to the reasons I stayed and why I felt that was acceptable, I am still working through that with my IC.

 

@Amethyst68 I am sure his W is hurt as well. I can't even imagine how she feels and I feel terrible for my part in it. I assumed those first 2 years that was just the custody arrangement, he told me his schedule was crazy and it was best for them to be with their mother during the week and he wanted what was best for them. He did go to all school events, games, etc.

Edited July 23, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Shock2019]

I believe I missed replying to a few posts that were sent while typing my last reply. []

@ MarkClemson that is certainly a possibility. I try not to keep my focus on the why's regarding him. It doesn't help me move forward. The hard part for me is knowing he has picked up and moved on so easily (or so it appears) and I am still here trying to heal and not in a relationship with anyone else. It is just a hard reality.

Edited July 23, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[mark clemson]

@Shock2019 - fully understand and respect that. My post was hyperbole to a certain extent to make a point. Agree that you are wise not to think too much on the why's etc.

 

My (E)AP also ended things suddenly due to a job change and in my case she got rather unkind at the end. Agree with what you said above about this sort of thing doing us a favor (in the longer term) as we see the person in a different, less positive light and it helps to lessen the distress. Very much hope the end result here is that you make lots of positive changes in your life.

[Amethyst68]

Here's an alternate hypothesis to some of the speculations above......

 

Of course there's an extremely small chance he'd been feeling guilty for the affair but be realistic in this particular situation this MM chose to set up a separate life, choose to sleep next to a woman other than his wife 5 days out of 7, a man who chose to partake in family life but just not his family. This behavior went on for 6 years, I know you're putting forward another point of view but IMO it just doesn't make sense in this case.

 

I still think MM has come to realise what divorce will really mean. I believe he thought he could leave and nothing would change but has been given a cold hard shock awakening regarding the consequences of his actions.

Edited July 23, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[anika99]

He lied to you about being divorced for 2yrs. He had a secret life he kept hidden from you and he had a secret life that he kept hidden from his wife. You can't believe a word of what he tells you.

 

And I agree with Bailey. This man has no conscience or shame. He didn't just suddenly develop those things and he didn't have more of a conscience with his OW, he lied to her just like he lied to his wife. Something specific happened to make him change his mind in a hurry.

[Shock2019]

@mark clemson, I appreciate your input and thoughts. I know it was the best thing for the A to end regardless of who ended it or the why's. That is why I have maintained NC I just remind myself that no good will come of he and I together in anyway so there is no point in any contact. That being said NC is hard when you communicated with a person for 6 years daily and practically lived together. After reading others perspectives on here I believe it is helping me a lot. For a long time I saw only the good in MM, even after A ended.

 

Sure I would be angry at him but being reminded of the lies he told for such a long time to everyone to maintain the A, the amount of time he missed with his children etc. I knew all of these things but being involved you don't realize how bad it truly is until you step back and take another look. So I appreciate everyones comments here. It does help to move forward. That being said I am not trying to bash MM, I am no saint here either I recognize and own my part in this too. Just saying to see the flaws vs all the good things I saw helps in the healing and moving forward if that makes sense.

Edited July 23, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Shock2019]

@amethyst68, I tend to agree that most likely he learned all that he stood to lose in D and quickly changed his mind. I'm guessing he mentioned D to the W and she let him know she would take him to the cleaners d/t the A not only that but probable tell everyone about the A. To him reputation and image are very important. That is just a speculation. I don't believe he felt guilt over the A or at least he didn't when we discussed it, many times I told him it went against what I believed in and said many times it was wrong. He said he knew it was wrong but he did not regret our relationship. Now that is what he said to me, did he mean that I have no idea.

[mark clemson]

I'm glad it's helpful to you and that is what's most important.

 

@Amethyst and Anika - as you're probably aware, if I had to put money on it, the negative takes on this MM are significantly more likely than my deliberately extreme contrasting one. However, none of us here are capable of reading minds. You can play the odds and still be wrong plenty of times.

 

People are complicated and perhaps he has a conscience when it comes to most things, but has a mental blind spot when it comes to infidelity. Or perhaps he found religion but didn't mention it to OW and is attempting to work on developing more of a conscience. My point is simply that we're all speculating and don't know. I do believe it's wise to never be too certain of one's own convictions. Reality loves to prove us wrong...

[sandylee1]

One possibility is that he got bored with the affair. 6 years is a long time and the newness and excitement can wear off.

 

It no longer seems like an affair, but like a relationship, where you do everyday normal stuff....your affair became routine the way you describe it.

 

His wife having an A as others have mentioned is also possible. I remember an OW here who was dumped because MM discovered his wife was having an affair and he felt it was his neglect that caused it and was feeling so guilty.

 

The MM has been called all kinds of everything on this thread ... he's quite the skillful liar and he must have some qualities that you find very attractive and irresistable to stay with him after being deceived for 2 years. In spite of the detective work your family did...you still stayed with him.

 

Why wouldn't he take advantage of your unending, unconditional, non-demanding love for him.... being the person he is. He had everything he wanted, while he wanted it.

 

It's amazing and brilliant you've maintained NC for 7 months with no back sliding... such great resolve and strength. Well done and keep going. Its something most OW find extremely difficult to do.

[heartwhole2]

Keep peeling that onion on exactly who he is and what he was doing, and who you are and what you were doing.

 

I see a lot of minimizing going on. After you discovered he was married, you still felt he was a very good person. How do you measure whether someone is a very good person? Perhaps it's time to rethink your criteria.

 

It's common for people to think that lies of omission are better than lies of commission. But that only applies to people who avoid lying because it makes them feel guilty. So if they avoid outright lying to people's faces, there's no guilt and therefore no problem....

 

In my book dishonesty is dishonesty. I am not dishonest because my integrity is important to me first and foremost. I don't do things that I can't be honest about because I would be disappointing myself. So by my standard, any kind of lying is wrong. I don't get brownie points for figuring out a way to avoid speaking lies to someone's face while I am knowingly deceiving them. People who lie by omission blame the people they lie to. "Well, you never asked if I was married" to the OW. "Well, you never asked if I was having an affair" to the BW. Ah, so as long as the person you're harming doesn't ask, it's fair game. How convenient. We'd better go around asking everyone we know if they're committing all sorts of sins all the time, just in case. And we must be incredibly specific. Otherwise it's OK for them to do whatever they want.

 

Another minimization is he "didn't mean to" have an affair. I am sure it felt good to think that he met you and was so stunned by your beauty and awesomeness that he forgot to mention he was married, and before he knew it he was in love with you, and whoops it just never came up that he was married. But this doesn't really pass the smell test. Why couldn't you smell the BS in there?

 

You have to keep peeling that onion.

[Shock2019]

@sandylee1, he very well may have become bored with the A. It was a mostly “normal” relationship. His W may have been seeing someone. Who knows it could have been a combination of multiple things others have mentioned here. I would drive myself insane trying to piece together another persons reasons. Either way it was a good thing that he did end it even though it hurts.

 

He treated me very well during our A aside from the huge lie about being M. We had great conversation and got along well have many common interests. My IC said it was likely he was playing a “role” mirroring me in a way to escape who he really was in his other life. She said that is common in A relationships. So he was likely not at all who he portrayed himself to be just a version of who he wanted me to believe he was. That’s difficult to come to terms with but after 6 years it’s difficult to fake every part of who you are but she has more experience with it than I do.

 

@ heartwhile2, I will be peeking the onion for a while longer. I believe I was in a very vulnerable place being newly separated (just a little over 5 months when I met him) and I was legally separated from my now xH (not making excuses for myself just realizing that I was in a vulnerable place, that’s why I am remaining single now I don’t want something like this to happen again)

 

I think his lies of omission are very manipulative especially looking back. I’m sure I made excuses and rationalized at the time because I was not wanting to be alone and he was a comfort to me in many ways. I’m not saying those are the only reasons just some. I deserve better than that and I should have behaved with more integrity and ended it when I found out he was M. I know he knew exactly what he was doing by keeping his M hidden I just can’t believe I went on for 4 years after finding that out. Again I am working on finding the answers with my IC it’s just a process and I’m committed to going through it even though it is painful and hard. I know I will be better for it in the end than if I just not address it and go on with life

[Turning point]

Unfortunately, the more detail I read about the progression of this affair the less inclined I am to believe this man is anything other than a skilled con-artist. His timing and roll-out are impeccable.

 

The fact that the OP may have been a singular or primary target all these years doesn't really change that IMHO. His abrupt departure was inevitable, and I think it is unwise (safety) to assume any feelings or guilt on his part other than pure self-interest and entitlement.

 

This man operated in two separate domiciles, something usually found in FBI case files - not your average cheater's playbook. He's gone - and you're still intact. I can't see how that is anything less than a blessing upon you OP.

[Shock2019]

@TurningPoint, my best friend said the same she thinks he’s a con artist. I guess I never wanted to use a word like that to describe him. I guess I think of a con artist as someone who scams people out of money or other material things. He never got anything more than birthday and Christmas gifts from me.

 

I am thankful it’s over and all he took was my self esteem ( I don’t say that lightly, I’ve seen stories where women/men get taken for all they are worth in addition to a broken heart) I am thankful that didn’t happen in my case. It’s quite scary when I sit here and think about it.