Author Shock2019 Posted July 22, 2019 Author Share Posted July 22, 2019 Amethyst68, MM kids are 13 and 15. I talked to him many times about the time he was missing with them. He Alesha’s said it was fine he wasn’t missing anything during the week (school, ball practice, etc) If there was an event he always made sure to be there. You are right I only have Mm version of what occurred after DDays, I know nothing changed with he and I after each of them. We still spent the same amount of time together etc. That may very well be the case, she got fed up and threatened to throw him out. Maybe that “woke” him up and he was done with the A. I’ll never know that part, that’s why I chose to remain strict NC. He needs to figure his M out or go and I don’t want to be in the middle of that any longer. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Shock2019 Posted July 22, 2019 Author Share Posted July 22, 2019 NomiMalone, thank you for the encouragement. There are definitely good and bad days but the bad days become less and less as time passes. Are you seeing a MM, or has your A ended? Hope you are doing well, it is hard but we can move past this time in our lives. ? Link to post Share on other sites
HowToQuit Posted July 22, 2019 Share Posted July 22, 2019 @Shock2019 I am in awe of your strength with 7 months of NC, I really am. Just curious to know what his messages were when he was reaching out - was he trying to explain himself, get back together, apologize? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Shock2019 Posted July 22, 2019 Author Share Posted July 22, 2019 HowToQuit, thank you for the encouragement. I got all my strength and resolve from reading the many stories here, I knew continued contact would lead to nothing good after the breakup and would just leave me more hurt. I read on here somewhere that said No New Contact = No New Hurt, I repeated that to myself over and over. The first text was something along the lines of he missed me and us and he wanted to know if we could talk. Then came the longer text saying how much he loved me and can’t live life without me. That’s when I blocked, it was not good for me to read that. Sure we all want to hear that they love us but who knows if it’s just words so they can get back to the status quo. At the end of the day it didn’t/doesn’t matter because he is M and I have to keep reminding myself of that. Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted July 22, 2019 Share Posted July 22, 2019 MM has plenty of distractions to make it appear as if he just flipped a switch and moved on and never has a thought about you... When he is alone in his thoughts, whether driving in his car, laying in his bed or whatever the case may be, there is zero doubt in my mind that he is thinking about you, that he misses you tremendously (they will come on and say he missed only the sex, but I disagree), and he will always think about you. You are projecting how YOU feel onto the MM here. We have no idea how he feels, yes your interpretation could be accurate, but then again he may be relieved it is over, he is glad he ended it, he was bored sick by the end... Relationships are all different as are affairs. People can just end affairs and not just solely because they got found out. The assumption seems to be that the affair "love story" is everlasting. It's not. Sometimes the MM merely swaps his OW for another, or he decides that the affair is not worth it and he goes back to his wife... Not every MM is deeply in love with their AP, some don't give a damn, that is the reality. Some who cheat are actually incapable of loving anyone. Getting mired in thoughts of "love" and "hope" seems to be the undoing of many OWS on here. I am glad Shock2019 appears to have gone past that "stuck" stage and is moving forward. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Shock2019 Posted July 22, 2019 Author Share Posted July 22, 2019 @Elaine587, I think when I was in my hurt phase I liked to believe MM was hurting as badly as I was. Then when I was in the angry phase my thoughts were he never cared, he was just using me as a reprieve from whatever was missing in his M. Being gone from home as often as he was it was clear he certainly wasn’t doing his part to make M successful. I would like to be in a place of indifference about it but I am not there yet. I have an IC who is helping me try not to focus on anything about what he may or may not be feeling because it really doesn’t matter one way or another he’s M Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted July 22, 2019 Share Posted July 22, 2019 I have an IC who is helping me try not to focus on anything about what he may or may not be feeling because it really doesn’t matter one way or another he’s M I agree, his feelings are irrelevant. Link to post Share on other sites
Amethyst68 Posted July 22, 2019 Share Posted July 22, 2019 I agree with Elaine on the above, while I'm sure you may cross his mind I doubt it's in the grand romance novel way described. I hate generalizing but most men I know admit to living in the moment. When they're in their cars or whatever they're thinking of what they have to do next, what they want for dinner, ooh that's a shiny new car etc, even that's a really pretty/hot girl walking by. That's not to say some aren't like BTTO who's just out of a decade long affair with someone he loves but won't leave his wife for. As for your MM I thought he was one of the bad ones (and I'm talking about how he treated his BW), but to say he didn't miss anything during the week! You say you have joint custody, can you imagine saying you don't miss anything the week your kids are with your ex? That's your MM basically saying he doesn't miss and doesn't care for his kids. It's the little things that matter, that build up to make the memories that matter. Some parents have no choice, they have to miss out do their family can survive, this man did it for sex. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted July 22, 2019 Share Posted July 22, 2019 Who knows after MM was in an affair with you for so long, away from home most of the time, he may have found out his W was having her own affair. Now when that happens MM do a complete 180. While they don't mind boinking everything they see, once they find out their property (the wife) is being violated they can't take it. Maybe his wife was asking for a divorce and he got her back by buying her a newer, more beautiful home followed by lavish vacations. The reason I say this is because his wife didn't seem to really care that he was having the affair with you. "Don't do it again" is not a normal response from a woman who is in love with her husband. Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted July 22, 2019 Share Posted July 22, 2019 .... a week ago a mutual friend unknowingly shared information about MM and W. Said they had moved a few months ago ( into a neighborhood with 500,000 + homes ) and they just returned from 2 week trip to several Hawaiian islands. Could there be an injection of "new" cash involved here? Something to do with the wife? An inheritance maybe??? A lottery win? A personal investment she made... Could explain his sudden need to mend his marriage... Link to post Share on other sites
schlumpy Posted July 22, 2019 Share Posted July 22, 2019 Just a guess on my part but it sounds like His wife's rich Uncle Joe died and left her a chunk of money so he rejoined the marriage as the dutiful and faithful spouse. Now that you know how the game is played take stock of your rich relatives and make him a counter offer. Best Wishes Link to post Share on other sites
schlumpy Posted July 22, 2019 Share Posted July 22, 2019 Could there be an injection of "new" cash involved here? Something to do with the wife? An inheritance maybe??? A lottery win? A personal investment she made... Could explain his sudden need to mend his marriage... I'm going to have to get up much earlier in the morning to out think you. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Naivewomen Posted July 22, 2019 Share Posted July 22, 2019 It could just be his guilt now. He may be overwhelmed with guilt and shame especially after having several Ddays. It takes them a bit longer to become aware of the damage they r doing to their family. Once they realize this, they are not at all concerned about the OWs feelings. The MM becomes hyper focused on doing the right thing now. Quite comical to some degree. Link to post Share on other sites
Starswillshine Posted July 22, 2019 Share Posted July 22, 2019 It is possible that they previous DDays were more like suspicions and less actual fool proof. That he was able to convince her. And now this time... full DDay. And these vacations and house is just a way to buy her happiness and forgiveness. I'll never forget when a friend's mom got a big, huge shiny ring and we all oooooed over it. She said it was her "forgive me" ring. But they ultimately divorced. Who the heck really knows what happened. I'm just glad OP was able to get out of it and block him. It is the healthiest approach to the rest of her life. Link to post Share on other sites
Abetterme Posted July 22, 2019 Share Posted July 22, 2019 @shock - I wanted to drop by and send some support. I am also in awe of your ability to maintain strict NC for so long. You have done something that was so difficult for so many of us, and in the long term was even more detrimental to moving forward when it wasn’t maintained. I am sorry this recent news was a set back and you’re feeling renewed hurt. My xMM made brief contact last spring and dropped a similar update and even though I was in a much better place, it had the same result and I regretted that I even read his message. I wish you all the best in your continued recovery. You are doing the right thing for yourself and your kids and I know there will be a lot of happiness in your future. Take care! Link to post Share on other sites
HowToQuit Posted July 22, 2019 Share Posted July 22, 2019 @ Shock2019 7 months NC after a 5 year relationship makes you my hero. Link to post Share on other sites
anika99 Posted July 22, 2019 Share Posted July 22, 2019 I'm thinking he either caught his wife having her own affair or his wife finally got definitive proof of his affair. It doesn't sound to me like there were actual d days in the past, just suspicions. He was probably lying his face off and gaslighting the crap out of her and she wanted to trust her husband. Although I deplore cheating I almost kind of hope his wife was cheating on him and gave him a taste of his own medicine. Well not really, if they were both cheating then neither one of them were putting their children first. I just think your MM is such a pos for abandoning his own children just for the sake of being with a mistress. That's disgusting. Oh his kids had school and ball practice during the week? Well he should have been there helping them with their school work and cheering them on at their ball practice. For their sake I hope they never find out that their father was ditching them just for the sake of playing house with another woman and her children. Kudos to you for taking your life back and not responding to him when he tried to contact you again. That took a lot of strength and showed a lot of dignity. I know you still struggle with some bad feelings but it's only going to get better. 7 months has you at about the halfway mark. Another 7 months will pass in no time and by then you will be even more healed. Don't look back, keep your eyes on the future. Link to post Share on other sites
HowToQuit Posted July 22, 2019 Share Posted July 22, 2019 @anika99 Curious as to what makes 7 months a half way mark? Link to post Share on other sites
anika99 Posted July 22, 2019 Share Posted July 22, 2019 Lol, there is no definitive time for healing obviously, but it usually takes at least a year of grieving. I know some people take years getting over a failed relationship but in some ways that's a choice and from the way the OP writes I don't think she's going to spend years getting over this. Sounds to me like she has a good handle on the situation and she knows what she wants. Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted July 22, 2019 Share Posted July 22, 2019 It could just be his guilt now. He may be overwhelmed with guilt and shame especially after having several Ddays. I’m sorry, a MM who carries on a double life with another woman for YEARS and continues to pursue the affair despite numerous d-days doesn’t know guilt. It’s much more likely that there was an inheritance or another woman than a sudden attack of conscience... You are projecting again... let’s deal with reality here. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
FMW Posted July 22, 2019 Share Posted July 22, 2019 I'm at almost a year out of an affair that lasted 3 years. And it ended by him ghosting me. I'm in a MUCH better place emotionally and mentally now. There are occasional bad moments/days still, but the improvement over even 6 months ago is huge. The pain now is a dull ache, not the sharp kind that makes you feel hopeless. Just hang in there, you're doing great. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted July 22, 2019 Share Posted July 22, 2019 I'm thinking he either caught his wife having her own affair or his wife finally got definitive proof of his affair. It doesn't sound to me like there were actual d days in the past, just suspicions. He was probably lying his face off and gaslighting the crap out of her and she wanted to trust her husband. Agree. It’s possible, but unlikely that she knew what he was doing for years and chose to ignore it... This guy is a skilled liar, it’s highly unlikely that OP got the truth from him about what was happening in his marriage... OP, there are a variety of reasons why he chose to end the affair.as you have said, none of them really matter... He has made his choice. It’s now time for you to focus on your healing... Link to post Share on other sites
Beentheretoooften Posted July 22, 2019 Share Posted July 22, 2019 It’s hard to see other viewpoints when you can never experience the other side. @Elaine, idk how a MM can be in that long of a relationship and not love her and still think about her. I Know it doesn’t matter if he does or not but for me, knowing that my AP still loves me and cares about me definitely helps me get through, especially in the beginning. That was just my point, for no other reason than to just maybe make her feel a tad better. The farther I get in NC (which was actually my doing) the easier it gets. And those distractions I mentioned earlier are huge bonuses for me. I’m sad how everything transpired, and how it ended. But I suppose just like most MM, I had too much invested. Couldn’t take a chance. But also for me, I never said I would leave, not once, even when we were peaking. Sure we talked about how it would it be etc...but we both knew. Do you think if MM’s always stated and Stood by that they would never leave their W’s, would AP’s not start an A, would they stop it sooner? @Shock, if he had said I’ll never leave my W, the first time it was even brought up, would you have immediately stopped the A? Curious, but of course, it’s a what-if scenario. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Zona Posted July 22, 2019 Share Posted July 22, 2019 Hi Shock, Sounds like you are doing pretty well under the circumstances, and that you have a relatively realistic view of things. MM was obviously an expert compartmentalizer, being able to have basically two marriages that he kept completely separate. You may want to google "discarded by a narcissist" and see if it seems to fit your situation. It won't change anything, but may help you better understand what happened. My fWW has some narcissistic tendencies and two of her siblings are severely self-centered and narcissistic, so I've learned about it the hard way. I have one question for you. If you are completely honest, did you meet MM for the first time before or after you were separated? Link to post Share on other sites
FMW Posted July 22, 2019 Share Posted July 22, 2019 The bottom line is what is the MM going to actually DO? Sure, it's nice to believe that his I love yous were real, but if he's not going to leave his marriage it really doesn't count for much, does it? It only serves as a stumbling block for the OW to move on. So from my own experience, what is best for me is to realize what he did or did not feel for me is of absolutely no importance if I want to let go and move on. Encouraging an OW to believe that the MM absolutely did love them only puts them in a holding pattern. Unless and until the MM divorces and commits fully to the OW, his "love" doesn't have much value if it keeps her stuck and unable to move on. So OP I strongly encourage you to follow your counselor's advice - focus on yourself. His feelings for you or the state of his marriage are completely irrelevant because he's chosen to stay with his wife. If you want to fully recover, don't go down that rabbit hole. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
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