Author HowToQuit Posted July 11, 2019 Author Share Posted July 11, 2019 How did you meet him? We used to work together but don’t anymore. Link to post Share on other sites
InvisibleLady Posted July 11, 2019 Share Posted July 11, 2019 I am just struggling with daily emotions and lack of focus. I did know it will come to the end one day, but I was not ready for it to come to the end this way. Take care of yourself, OP. The early days of ending the A are VERY tough. The withdrawals are like NO other! There's a lot of advice given on this forum with well meaning intentions if you read through people's stories, but for me personally it just took time. And because xMM came back around a couple of times to 'check my temperature' and stroke his ego, I had some major set backs. I engaged so I could feel validated by him. (As if he should be given the power to validate anyone??) Be patient with yourself and your healing...but love yourself and your family enough to not re-engage in this. He is no prize. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted July 11, 2019 Share Posted July 11, 2019 We used to work together but don’t anymore. Do you know his wife? Link to post Share on other sites
Scarlet86 Posted July 11, 2019 Share Posted July 11, 2019 @invisiblelady how long before he came back around? Link to post Share on other sites
Author HowToQuit Posted July 11, 2019 Author Share Posted July 11, 2019 @everyone What an amazing group of people you are.. I am lucky to have found you all. He is no prize and I will only go through this pain once. I will not let him back in. I can do this. I got this. Thank you for everything. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
InvisibleLady Posted July 11, 2019 Share Posted July 11, 2019 @invisiblelady how long before he came back around? Very brief so as not to T/J: About 6 weeks the first time when we officially ended things, then got the "Happy New Year" text. Then very LC for a bit, his W saw a text during that time. Eventually I was able to go SIX MONTHS of strict no contact. Then he sent another text just before Christmas time. LC for a bit this year, then he ghosted. I am in NC....again. Link to post Share on other sites
Author HowToQuit Posted July 11, 2019 Author Share Posted July 11, 2019 Do you know his wife? I know nothing about her. I know her name and where she works but that’s it. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author HowToQuit Posted July 11, 2019 Author Share Posted July 11, 2019 Very brief so as not to T/J: About 6 weeks the first time when we officially ended things, then got the "Happy New Year" text. Then very LC for a bit, his W saw a text during that time. Eventually I was able to go SIX MONTHS of strict no contact. Then he sent another text just before Christmas time. LC for a bit this year, then he ghosted. I am in NC....again. This sounds like a mega roller coaster!! How did you feel during the 6 months of NC? Link to post Share on other sites
InvisibleLady Posted July 11, 2019 Share Posted July 11, 2019 This sounds like a mega roller coaster!! How did you feel during the 6 months of NC? It was a roller coaster because I allowed it! They can only do what you will allow. I felt a whole range of emotions. Which is hard when you have a spouse or significant other, you can't openly grieve so you're merely existing and life is hollow for a while. The blow to the ego is a killer!! I REFUSED to break NC but I wanted the ego boost of him coming back. I was out of his league, so I felt he should be jumping at the chance to be with me haha. It was humbling. I got stronger as the months went on and looked at his not contacting me as a gift. I worked out and got in the best shape of my life. I didn't find LS until I was about 3 months into NC (and 9 months or so post break up) - so you're lucky you're here early on! With NC you gain clarity if nothing else. I couldn't believe how similar all the stories are here when I started reading. My story wasn't unique. Nor is my xMM. It was limerence. It was addiction. It was ego boosting and cake eating. It wasn't love. He CLAIMED to love me with words, his actions never matched that. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author HowToQuit Posted July 11, 2019 Author Share Posted July 11, 2019 My story wasn't unique. Nor is my xMM. It was limerence. It was addiction. It was ego boosting and cake eating. It wasn't love. He CLAIMED to love me with words, his actions never matched that. Roger that. I am going to get in the best shape of my life. I am going to be more patient with my teenager as the anxiety and ongoing anticipation of a text and frustration of not getting one did not help. I do not like the parent I became... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
SpiceCat Posted July 11, 2019 Share Posted July 11, 2019 I know nothing about her. I know her name and where she works but that’s it. As for his promise that your name would remain out of it - don't forget - he promised his wife he wouldn't cheat on her when they married. His word is essentially useless. If he needs to throw you under the bus to save himself, please have no doubt that he will. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
SpiceCat Posted July 11, 2019 Share Posted July 11, 2019 @invisiblelady how long before he came back around? Why are you asking this Scarlet? Be honest.. Link to post Share on other sites
Scarlet86 Posted July 11, 2019 Share Posted July 11, 2019 @spicecat Because I’m 6 weeks out and having a rough day. I have reached out through my insurance for a referral to a therapist so I’m waiting for a call back for that. I know I need to get help for my addiction 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BTDT2012 Posted July 11, 2019 Share Posted July 11, 2019 Don't get too comfortable with the idea that she will never find out who you are. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
SpiceCat Posted July 11, 2019 Share Posted July 11, 2019 @spicecat Because I’m 6 weeks out and having a rough day. I have reached out through my insurance for a referral to a therapist so I’m waiting for a call back for that. I know I need to get help for my addiction So glad you are helping yourself. OP can learn from this exchange Link to post Share on other sites
InvisibleLady Posted July 11, 2019 Share Posted July 11, 2019 Roger that. I am going to get in the best shape of my life. I am going to be more patient with my teenager as the anxiety and ongoing anticipation of a text and frustration of not getting one did not help. I do not like the parent I became... YES, I remember those feelings of anxiety! During the A there were times where he didn't send a text at the predicable time and I would be anxious and short with my family. If you were to resume and accept LC it is wayyyy worse though - no more predictable good morning/night texts, you're left wondering if/when you will hear from him next. No one needs that in their life. You are worth more than crumbs and leftovers. I love your positive attitude and encourage working out, it helped me a lot and I have stuck with it (physically I feel amazing!). But the low moments will creep in too - you're grieving a loss. But you will be ok! Keep reading and posting! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Abetterme Posted July 11, 2019 Share Posted July 11, 2019 Roger that. I am going to get in the best shape of my life. I am going to be more patient with my teenager as the anxiety and ongoing anticipation of a text and frustration of not getting one did not help. I do not like the parent I became... Hi OP - Welcome to LS. I am glad you stated this above and I encourage you to never lose sight of that. One of the hardest things I’ve come to terms with in ending my A was missing so much of my child’s life because I was so self involved and caught up in that horrible dynamic. It goes without sayings the betrayals to our S/partner are far worse. Have you had prior breaks with him before? It is hard in this limerant phase but I hope you might block him and start permanent NC. I wish you all the best. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted July 11, 2019 Share Posted July 11, 2019 YES, I remember those feelings of anxiety! During the A there were times where he didn't send a text at the predicable time and I would be anxious and short with my family. If you were to resume and accept LC it is wayyyy worse though - no more predictable good morning/night texts, you're left wondering if/when you will hear from him next. Now she should be worrying if she DOES get a text because it will be from the wife.... Link to post Share on other sites
InvisibleLady Posted July 11, 2019 Share Posted July 11, 2019 Now she should be worrying if she DOES get a text because it will be from the wife.... Absolutely! I got a message from xMM's wife TWO MONTHS after she saw my text to him...and my text was nothing explicit or sexual so I was able to down play it when communicating with her (not proud of that, just stating the fact of the matter). 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Naivewomen Posted July 11, 2019 Share Posted July 11, 2019 Sorry for the TJ @invisiblelady, is your marriage back on track?? R u completely over your xAP?? What if he reached out again? Did u make it impossible for him to contact you?? Link to post Share on other sites
InvisibleLady Posted July 11, 2019 Share Posted July 11, 2019 Sorry for the TJ @invisiblelady, is your marriage back on track?? R u completely over your xAP?? What if he reached out again? Did u make it impossible for him to contact you?? Hi NW, I have followed your story. I read a lot more than I share bc MOW are the least favored on this forum or so it seems. I would PM you to avoid the T/J, but I can't yet. My marriage is much better than when I came to LS. The A was a mind fu*k that was hard to come back from. I still think of xAP often. Reading here is both a blessing and a curse at times. I had a texting number he was using to reach me, which I got rid of. He did have my real number which I asked him to delete in my last text to him to which he didn't respond. I deleted his number from my phone. He had blocked me on social media already (wife's request, but we were never connected there anyway). I don't know if it is impossible for him to contact me, where there is a will there is a way I guess. I will NOT be contacting him. I hope you are healing well! Link to post Share on other sites
SpiceCat Posted July 11, 2019 Share Posted July 11, 2019 You sound much healthier than I was at your stage Ms InvisibleLady. Keep up the good work! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
InvisibleLady Posted July 11, 2019 Share Posted July 11, 2019 You sound much healthier than I was at your stage Ms InvisibleLady. Keep up the good work! Thanks for the encouragement SpiceCat. But still thinking of xAP after the A being over for more than a year and a half doesn't always feel healthy. But I think my re-engaging was to blame for that. I want to keep moving in the right direction. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Dreamwalker17 Posted July 12, 2019 Share Posted July 12, 2019 My expectations have already been lowered and can’t go any lower. He might be worth it, but only once single. Which we all know, ain’t happening. My main focus is on restoring my Normalcy through no contact but I am bouncing between dispair and pain. Can’t wait for that day when I think of him without tears in my eyes. Tell me, that day will come sooner vs later... That day will come soon, and you will be embarrassed for ever engaging with him. Trust you gut feeling, you know its for the best, just be patient with yourself and don't let him to crawl back to you. I can't believe his wife bought the excuse of "hacked" phone, wow. Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted July 12, 2019 Share Posted July 12, 2019 Yes, many come back after they get situated so the spouse is no longer suspicious. Remember that takes loads of his/her constant lies and manipulating the betrayed spouse. It also takes an OW/OM who is willing to take them back... again. They usually lay it on thick when they want the affair partner to participate again... that’s after ignoring them while the dust was settling. But they know if they lie and pay the affair partner loads of attention and compliments that they can get them back into position - one that always works only in their favor. Link to post Share on other sites
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