Scarlet86 Posted July 11, 2019 Share Posted July 11, 2019 @howtoquit I’m on week 6 of NC and I wish I could tell you that it gets easier and I don’t still cry at the thought of him. But it hasn’t for me. I am attempting to enjoy my day off but all I can think about it how much I miss hearing from him and talking myself out of dropping his clothes off to him. I wish there was a switch to flip. Link to post Share on other sites
SophieG Posted July 11, 2019 Share Posted July 11, 2019 Thank you ! By up and down... do you mean my emotions or the MM coming in and out of my life until I put an end to it? Both. By not making a decision for yourself, you’re letting him lead this on and allowing him to mess with your emotions. Cutting ties now will hurt, but you’ll eventually get better. If you accept him again in your life, you’ll have short term « relief » but you’ll still be on an emotional roller coaster. You have the power to put a stop to this... now you have to decide if you want to or not. If you don’t, you can’t really complain about him coming and going as he pleases because you are allowing it. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author HowToQuit Posted July 11, 2019 Author Share Posted July 11, 2019 Both. By not making a decision for yourself, you’re letting him lead this on and allowing him to mess with your emotions. Cutting ties now will hurt, but you’ll eventually get better. If you accept him again in your life, you’ll have short term « relief » but you’ll still be on an emotional roller coaster. You have the power to put a stop to this... now you have to decide if you want to or not. If you don’t, you can’t really complain about him coming and going as he pleases because you are allowing it. @SophieG I needed to hear this. Thank you. Link to post Share on other sites
Naivewomen Posted July 11, 2019 Share Posted July 11, 2019 @howtoquit You will always miss something about him it's just going to be how long you wish to hold onto the pain. The pain is exhausting and it's easier for yourself if you figure out how to separate him from the rest of your life. Link to post Share on other sites
Author HowToQuit Posted July 11, 2019 Author Share Posted July 11, 2019 @howtoquit You will always miss something about him it's just going to be how long you wish to hold onto the pain. The pain is exhausting and it's easier for yourself if you figure out how to separate him from the rest of your life. @naivewomen Amazing advice. Do you have any practical tips for separation? Anything that worked for you? Link to post Share on other sites
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted July 11, 2019 Share Posted July 11, 2019 If his wife is smart she will leave him for his betrayal. Then you can have him. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Zona Posted July 11, 2019 Share Posted July 11, 2019 HowTOQuit, Sorry if you already addressed this, but are you currently married? Link to post Share on other sites
Author HowToQuit Posted July 11, 2019 Author Share Posted July 11, 2019 HowTOQuit, Sorry if you already addressed this, but are you currently married? Not married, but have a partner and kids. Link to post Share on other sites
PhoenixRising8 Posted July 11, 2019 Share Posted July 11, 2019 Do you have any practical tips for separation? Anything that worked for you? The key I think is to focus on the reality rather than the illusion. For example, this past weekend was the first year anniversary of the first full night xMM and I spent together. The only thing I could focus on was that despite the fact we were far away from our homes, I still had to hide my presence because a couple of his friends were in the immediate vicinity. It made what would have been a special first just a dirty secret with lots of hiding. The other thing is, we don't focus on the fact that this man, who treats us well, makes us feel special and so on, is in fact a lying, manipulative cheater who is hurting the woman he vowed to love "til death do us part". Why do we think he would do any differently to us. Affairs are a fantasy land executed in secrecy. It's an illusion of being soulmates and star crossed lovers. Letting go of the hope and dream and fantasy is different and harder to let go of than reality. That's because the fantasy is "perfect", in our minds at least and reality isn't. Link to post Share on other sites
InvisibleLady Posted July 11, 2019 Share Posted July 11, 2019 (edited) He will be back. They always come back. BUT it will never be the same as it was before, he will be closely monitored. It will be very LC that becomes almost torturous. And when you demand more he may panic and ghost you until you "behave" and accept the scraps of his time. And he's not leaving his W. Edited July 11, 2019 by InvisibleLady 2 Link to post Share on other sites
SpiceCat Posted July 11, 2019 Share Posted July 11, 2019 Does your partner know? If not, prepare yourself for his wife to reveal to him. It would probably be better for you to tell him yourself before that happens. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted July 11, 2019 Share Posted July 11, 2019 Does your partner know? If not, prepare yourself for his wife to reveal to him. It would probably be better for you to tell him yourself before that happens. Yes the upset wife will likely reach out to your partner, both for moral support, betrayed partners often try to give each other comfort and to swap notes, and perhaps to stick one into you... She is grieving and her marriage ruined, she may want to ruin your relationship too... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted July 11, 2019 Share Posted July 11, 2019 Not married, but have a partner and kids. Oh dear. Prepare for your life to be turned upside down. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author HowToQuit Posted July 11, 2019 Author Share Posted July 11, 2019 Does your partner know? If not, prepare yourself for his wife to reveal to him. It would probably be better for you to tell him yourself before that happens. He reassured me my name was not revealed. So I take comfort in this news. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Starswillshine Posted July 11, 2019 Share Posted July 11, 2019 He reassured me my name was not revealed. So I take comfort in this news. If she is anything like me.... she WILL find out. And if he wants to save the marriage, that will be one stipulation. There is no way in hell I would reconcile with a man who is protecting his OW. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted July 11, 2019 Share Posted July 11, 2019 If she is anything like me.... she WILL find out. And if he wants to save the marriage, that will be one stipulation. There is no way in hell I would reconcile with a man who is protecting his OW. Exactly. There's no way your name, OP, isn't going to be revealed, and soon. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Betrayed&Stayed Posted July 11, 2019 Share Posted July 11, 2019 He reassured me my name was not revealed. So I take comfort in this news. Trust me as a BS, your name (and more!) will be revealed. No doubt about it. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
InvisibleLady Posted July 11, 2019 Share Posted July 11, 2019 He reassured me my name was not revealed. So I take comfort in this news. If BS saw an explicit text indicating he has slept with someone, how would she NOT demand to know who it is? If MM wants to save his marriage, he may very well throw you under the bus out of fear of losing his W. Be prepared for that. Even if she doesn't contact your partner, she may seek YOU out. Link to post Share on other sites
Naivewomen Posted July 11, 2019 Share Posted July 11, 2019 If she is anything like me.... she WILL find out. And if he wants to save the marriage, that will be one stipulation. There is no way in hell I would reconcile with a man who is protecting his OW. Not many wives are!! My xMM knew all about me and she chose to rug sweep. I believe now because her consequences werent forece enough he kept returning. He never feared he would loose his family until I changed the scenario. He still feels entitled to both women that's the kicker! Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted July 11, 2019 Share Posted July 11, 2019 If BS saw an explicit text indicating he has slept with someone, how would she NOT demand to know who it is? If MM wants to save his marriage, he may very well throw you under the bus out of fear of losing his W. Exactly. Its a big hole he’s going to have to dig himself out of and the first step is going to be to tell her anything she wants to know... 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Starswillshine Posted July 11, 2019 Share Posted July 11, 2019 (edited) Not many wives are!! My xMM knew all about me and she chose to rug sweep. I believe now because her consequences werent forece enough he kept returning. He never feared he would loose his family until I changed the scenario. He still feels entitled to both women that's the kicker! She may not do anything with the info; however, most, if not all, BSs will demand to know the name of the OW. Some BS wont tell the OW's spouse or SO because they fear that relationship being destroyed and thus the BS's WH might go to a single OW. Some dont tell because they dont gef into the drama. Some wont say anything because they dont want someone else to suffer. There are many reasons. But I guarantee they want to know who it is. Edited July 11, 2019 by Starswillshine 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Mycatsnuggles Posted July 11, 2019 Share Posted July 11, 2019 I was involved in a very long term affair. He was discovered twice emails once and another time she found condoms. MM protected my name. I was not an acquaintance of his friends or family so this helped. I know his wife demanded to know but he never revealed who I was. I am positive of this because if she had known sh would have contacted my husband. She sent me several threatening emails until I shut that email down. One included threatening to contact my husband. I was discovered twice by my husband. The first time I didn’t reveal his name. The second time my husband discovered his phone number and traced him down. He called MM and had a very civil conversation with him. To my relief my husband never called his wife. My true life experiences. An affair is an addiction. MM and I used each other. It was exciting and very sexually satisfying but it also interfered with us bonding to our spouses. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author HowToQuit Posted July 11, 2019 Author Share Posted July 11, 2019 I am just struggling with daily emotions and lack of focus. I did know it will come to the end one day, but I was not ready for it to come to the end this way. Link to post Share on other sites
Mycatsnuggles Posted July 11, 2019 Share Posted July 11, 2019 And yes they come back when thing settle down. My advice, let it end. It’s so hard. But let it end. I worried about his wife believe it or not and his relationship. I didn’t want to hurt her any longer and I knew his reputation was important to him. I worried what I was doing to my husband, my children and my own life. I was putting a bandaid on with the affair . I hurt many people but we both kept going back. Until we didn’t. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted July 11, 2019 Share Posted July 11, 2019 I am just struggling with daily emotions and lack of focus. I did know it will come to the end one day, but I was not ready for it to come to the end this way. How did you meet him? Link to post Share on other sites
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