Telling My Daughter about my affair and the Baby

[TheRainbow]

On Monday I'm going to ask my therapist on advice on how about telling my daughter the truth. We have a child therapist lined up and arranged for her to go visit my mother. She can have some distant and see some of her friends she left behind. It'll be good for her.

[emotionallybroken9]

Your story breaks my heart. My wife has done the very same thing, with the same background as you. Different stuff, but the abuse and all that you describe is there. She also resorted to cheating. And in my thread you can see how I tried hard to fight for her and be together, and as others pointed out, this was my issue. Codependency and white knight syndrome at its finest.

 

She’s now on vacation, which is giving us the separation. We’re doing 30 days. But from day 1, also in my thread and my posts in this forum, you can see how things are moving. Every day, I know I’m moving forward to be happier for me.

 

Your daughters will have a battle with ever lasting effects. Your husband sounds like he’s like me, and you like my wife. I do wonder what a separation would make him realize about himself... it might mean not being together anymore. It’s too bad kids are involved eh? They oh so complicate things heh.

 

Anyways, it sounds like you guys are heading in the right direction. No matter what there’ll be hurt, and I really do hope you make an even stronger family unit. For god’s sake love yourself or you’ll never be able to love and commit!

 

Love ya. Good luck!!

[TheRainbow]

She now knows.

 

We hadn't planned on telling her until after we got some expert advice on how to handle it. But the situation came up, we got backed into a corner and at that moment it just happened.

 

She was asking if we were all going to go to the lake with Grandma. Back when my husband and I were briefly separated, my mother in law mentioned about wanting to rent a lakeside cabin for a week and have my husband, and the kids go stay there. The plans were made and she was told about the plans.

 

There wasn't much talk about it since, and I thought she had forgotten about it until last night. My husband had just put the two younger ones to bed and I was cleaning up the kitchen. We sat down to watch a movie when she came from her room and asked us if we were still going to the lake and if her Grandma and I worked things out.

 

I told her we haven't and she asked why? My husband and I looked at each other, and he said that something happened and we don't know how long it'll take before Grandma and I are on talking terms. Then my daughter was getting irritated and asking why don't we just tell her the truth.

 

That is when I took the cue and told her that I had done something very wrong. I started by telling her that I had broken my wedding vows and hurt her dad very badly. So she said so you cheated on Dad. She looked at my husband and he didn't deny. Then she asked if that was why we broke up for a while, and we admitted it was part of the reason yeah.

 

She asked her Dad if he was mad at me. He said he was hurt by it, but we are working on it, and that he forgave me. She seemed okay with that answer and was about to get up and leave when I told her there was something else we needed to tell her.

 

I brought up her sister. I told her basically that her dad was her daddy in every way that mattered, but biologically he wasn't. Because of my poor choices. Then she got really upset and asked if this other man was going to come and take her sister away, and we assured her that this other man won't be involved and nothing will change. She didn't say much after that and retreated to her room for the night.

 

Today, she hasn't said much to me. She is out of school for the year and while she isn't showing any anger, she isn't talking to me besides to answer me when I intiate a conversation. She took it a lot better then I thought but it's only been less than a day. I do have the appointment with the therapist booked for tomorrow for her.

 

We also decided to go ahead and plan for a trip for her down to see my mother, so she can see some of her friends, and have some time to come to terms with this information.

Edited June 24, 2019 by TheRainbow

[BaileyB]

My heart breaks for this poor child.

 

Children should not have to deal with such adult issues.

[TheRainbow]

She told me she fears my husband will not like her sister as much. And she kept asking me why? We both cried. She is not angry as much as she sad.

[Cullenbohannon]

She told me she fears my husband will not like her sister as much.

 

 

Tell her the other part of the story. If she is questioning his love for her, tell her everything this man did to keep her as his daughter. Your husband did something 99% of men would not do. You did not lead the battle for her. He did.

 

The question as to wether he will love her as much. has already been answered. Tell her the rest of the story. She should not be questioning her fathers love for any of you. Your love is the only love in question.

[BaileyB]

Tell her the other part of the story. Your husband did something 99% of men would not do. You did not lead the battle for her. He did.

 

The question as to wether he will love her as much. has already been answered.

 

I love this. What a beautiful thought...

[emotionallybroken9]

Tell her the other part of the story. If she is questioning his love for her, tell her everything this man did to keep her as his daughter. Your husband did something 99% of men would not do. You did not lead the battle for her. He did.

 

The question as to wether he will love her as much. has already been answered. Tell her the rest of the story. She should not be questioning her fathers love for any of you. Your love is the only love in question.

 

She will always question it, and question what "love" is. Her mommy "loved" daddy, yet she betrayed him so, so badly. How can she ever trust "love" again? Don't all BSs lose trust in the opposite sex, and in people in general? Has nothing to do with specifics. That's the power and consequence of family betrayals.

 

Rainbow, you did it right. Hopefully the therapist will be able to help. Don't make excuses. Give real answers. She won't be able to articulate whatever is going on is her mind as well as adults, and even adults suck at it.

 

Just like BS's get angry inwards, which leads to depression, your kiddo might go through it and no one would know.

 

Your therapist will be your best friend. Use em well!

[pepperbird]

She will always question it, and question what "love" is.

 

 

 

 

Op, I mentioned before I'm in an online group for people who find out their parentage isn't who they thought it was, and there are also siblings in the crowd. You have given your daughter something most of them would have given their eye teeth for. The truth.

 

The ones who suffer the most and who ask the sorts of questions above are the ones who's parents continued to lie to them. By being honest and getting out in front of the problem, you have , in my opinion anyway, done the right thing.

[TheRainbow]

She did ask some more questions for me. I answered them the best I could. I don't know the word to describe it but she's been clinging to me and not saying much to her father. It's ****ty and I don't know how to respond. She has an appointment with a counsellor today and tomorrow morning my mother is arriving by plane to pick my daughter up to take her to visit.

[Cullenbohannon]

All battles are not won in 1 day. You are rebuilding the foundation of your marriage and family. Some answers are not in the words but are answered in time and deeds.

 

One day, One battle, Move forward.

[BaileyB]

I don't know the word to describe it but she's been clinging to me and not saying much to her father. She has an appointment with a counsellor today and tomorrow morning my mother is arriving by plane to pick my daughter up to take her to visit.

 

I appreciate that you are well intended, to give her time to process... I’m just not sure how good I would feel about sending her away at this time. It sounds like she needs you for support and reassurance. I wonder how she will interpret the fact that she was told this big truth, and now she is being “sent away...”

[emotionallybroken9]

Any chance you could take her or pick her up? She’s clinging to you because she knows you have the ability to betray and leave loved ones. I wonder how the hubby feels about this.

 

But as said, time and effort will hopefully work. Nothing is permanent, which was made painfully clear through your past actions. Keep up what you’re doing. One day at a time

[JuneL]

I have a different interpretation of why your daughter is avoiding your husband. She’s probably too embarrassed to face him, even though you’re the one who has owed him.

[elaine567]

...It sounds like she needs you for support and reassurance. I wonder how she will interpret the fact that she was told this big truth, and now she is being “sent away...”

 

I agree.

Sending her away at this crucial time I think is a big mistake.

[TheRainbow]

I wonder how she will interpret the fact that she was told this big truth, and now she is being “sent away...”

 

She wants to go and we both think the time away will be good for her to process everything.

[schlumpy]

She wants to go and we both think the time away will be good for her to process everything.

 

As long as no one has lied to her she will be fine. The only real danger is to leave her with an unsolved puzzle where she has to fill in the missing pieces by herself. I was always very adaptable as a child and I don't think that quality has left us as a species yet.

 

I back-read many of your posts so I understand your story better and I do have a question for you but only answer if agree with me.

 

In my humble opinion you have an impersonal style of writing. It's as if you are writing someone else's story. I'm assuming this is an aspect of your personality. Has this always been true of you or did it appear at some stage in your life? Did you perhaps adopt the persona during your stint as an exotic dancer where you learned to promise everything while at the same time promise nothing?

 

Best Wishes to you and your family

[loversquarrel]

Exactly ^^^. She has no right to insert herself into this. The son decided to keep the family together, and she should be supporting him and the family.

 

I understand that she has feelings toward OP, and maybe the child too, but that doesn't give her the right to interfere. If I were them I'd consider moving away from her. MILs are difficult enough when they have the best of intentions.

 

The son should inform his mother in no uncertain terms that her behavior is completely unacceptable and will not be tolerated. He chose to keep the marriage and love the child. That is the long and short of it. No one should be allowed to undermine.

 

I think 11 is too young for the eldest daughter to be told. As someone else said, she may end up spilling it to the younger kids. The larger question is, when to tell the middle child. This decision should be made in the best interest of this child

 

@emotionallybroken You don't have a clue. You should zip it.

 

Since when does a parent have to support an obviously poor decision?

[TheRainbow]

In my humble opinion you have an impersonal style of writing. It's as if you are writing someone else's story. I'm assuming this is an aspect of your personality. Has this always been true of you or did it appear at some stage in your life? Did you perhaps adopt the persona during your stint as an exotic dancer where you learned to promise everything while at the same time promise nothing?

 

It's hard to write about myself especially when a lot of it is not positive. I find myself keeping my thoughts more impersonal in a way so I can get it out there.

[usa1ah]

Hope your family never does a 23 and me. It has destroyed a few families already.

[BaileyB]

Hope your family never does a 23 and me. It has destroyed a few families already.

 

Read the thread. Rainbow has said there will be no secrets. This begins by telling her daughter the truth of the situation this week... something that must have been brutally hard to do and earns my respect.

[TheRainbow]

I'm waiting to board my flight back to the city. My daughter was so happy to see my mom. I had talked to a few of her friends who she had to leave behind when we met, to arrange them hanging out. I really do think this break will be good for her. She comes home on the 3rd in time for Independence Day.

[Buffer]

I take it you didn't read my original post. 2 out of my 3 kids are his. The Middle one is all ready 17 months old is the result of my LTA with my boss. I'm so ashamed and his family don't know the half of it. They don't know about my two affairs ( one was an emotional affair) before marriage or how long my affair was with my boss. It was 4 1/2 years over a 7 year period. If the baby was his, we'd have taken this to our grave.

 

So much a burden to carry. I hope you all are doing well, especially the little ones. As your BS comes to terms with your past and is presently supportive of you, MIL can go plat her poop ?. If your middle child only knows hubby as dad, then that is who he is ‘the father’.

Is the AP is wanting to be part of the little ones life? That would be hard to fathom.

The flow on effect of your LTA is going to be shi*&y.

Please be understanding to your BS, be fully support to him as triggers will be plentiful. I hope the R works.

It is never the little ones fault, tell them all that! Work on your self and the marriage. Children and hubby always first! Marriage second. MIL not in the picture, her loss. All children are a blessing.

 

Best of luck Buffer.

[elaine567]

If your middle child only knows hubby as dad, then that is who he is ‘the father’.

 

Now the older child knows, the secret is out. She may be telling all her little friends as we speak, all about how the middle sister is not really her sister...

 

The middle sister may indeed want to see her real father at some point, as she is the odd one out...

The adults here can assume nothing, as they have an agenda and it suits them better to think in certain ways to protect themselves.

They need to think from the child's point of view.

Kids tend to absorb and try to please, it doesn't mean they are necessarily coping well...

[BaileyB]

Now the older child knows, the secret is out. She may be telling all her little friends as we speak, all about how the middle sister is not really her sister...

 

She could also have the sense, from the response of the adults to date, that this is a “shameful secret” to be kept within the family - not to be shared with anyone else to protect her sister, her mother, her father...