Telling My Daughter about my affair and the Baby

[TheRainbow]

So the current plan is to:

 

1) wait and hope the kid doesn’t find out on her own, then tell her when she’s older

2) she finds out from grandma or another person that’s unknown, then deal with the damage and hope to heal it

 

Both of these mean the secrets will continue. Let’s hope 1 works out, AND let’s hope the kiddo doesn’t ask, “but mom, this happened so long ago, why didn’t you tell me?” Which we also hope doesnt lead to her thinking, “if my parents hid that from me for so long, what else could they be hiding from me, and for how long, and how bad, and are they gonna share more dark secrets as I grow up, instead of trusting me now?”

 

Is there a plan 3? Or is it down to the ones I outlined. I’m not arguing, I’m just getting them to think in a new way. There’s now info that exists on another forum that only few people know of, so yay more omissions >.>

 

I mean there is only so many ways I can tell DD2 about her true paternity. We were thinking around school age 5/6. By then we can explain to her about how she was conceived but that my husband is her dad in every way that matters.

[emotionallybroken9]

@rainbow

 

Dd2 is gonna have her own battle to deal with when she eventually finds out. I was mainly concerned with dd1. She’s 11 right? If you told her already and working through it then my apologies. I missed that. Right now there are more than just mom and dad that know that dd2 isn’t her blood sister. And IF you and hubby ever fight, break up, or any negative thing, dd1 May resent dd2, and dd2 May resent herself.

 

You said you’ll cross the bridge when it happens. You’re already on that bridge. These are all consequences from your infidelity. There aren’t new bridges. You’re still dealing with the consequences of the affair. This is one of them.

 

You will all be hurt. That’s a fact. The worry I have is that you guys think trust/betrayals can be forgotten or handled. But remember, you and your husband have this whole time to process it and talk it out using life experience. Your 11 year old will not have the tools to handle such a big blow. But I don’t know her so I can’t say that might happen. I haven’t heard of kids adjusting well to being told secrets about their family from other people, but I’m never afraid to admit I’m wrong.

 

Dd1... I’ve never been in that situation, so I wouldn’t know. It might be the same as a kid finding out they’re adopted. If she asks to speak to her bio dad, what will you do? This will happen in 5 years, or never, but it’s something to start considering, because it’s a real result of infidelity.

 

All hypotheticals because she’s too young now, but I want to say in case in 5 years or whatever, no one says it.

 

I’m only giving perspectives. You do with them as you wish. I just hope everyone is able to process and heal without breaking trusts. Losing trust in your family, in your parents, it hurts. It really really hurts.

 

I really hope the kid only finds out from mom and dad, not anyone else. That’s pretty much it, really. If you can’t guarantee that, then really start planning as if someone WILL tell her. It should be you two, mom and dad.

 

Edit: also, you’re mother in law overheard you and found out. I saw a random text on my wife’s phone. Who’s to say either of those wouldn’t occur. You might have a fight. Yell loudly or even just talking about it with hubby in bedroom, then daughter overhears it. It happened already and it broke the mother in law relationship. Might happen with dd1. That’s what worries me.

Edited June 22, 2019 by emotionallybroken9

[TheRainbow]

I was mainly concerned with dd1. She’s 11 right? If you told her already and working through it then my apologies. I missed that.

 

My oldest daughter doesn't know. She is the one we are going to tell. Back when we briefly separated, was the only close call we had. She knows the other man's name, but not who he is, or in what context. She thinks he was a disgruntled co-worker of mine, and that dad didn't like him. But her overhearing my mother in law yelling at her father and me, that was too close for comfort.

[emotionallybroken9]

Good! What’s your plan? I ask not as an observer, but for future LoveShack visitors that may one day find themselves in this position. Sit down and explain what an affair is? How much details? How little? Willing to answer all questions, or give answers with omissions? With therapist or just parents? When will you tell?

 

Again, this has no affect on me as I have a different infidelity issue, but loveshack has been there for me and will be there for many others in the future. YOU will help those in the future. Your answers and details may save another family that can’t afford therapy.

 

Of course you don’t have to answer anything lol. But hey, we’re all human trying to figure out this thing called life~

[TheRainbow]

I think we might just tell her that I made a promise when we got married to be faithful, and I broke the promise and hurt her dad, that I had sex with another man and it resulted in her sister being born. That her dad is her sister's dad in all the ways that matters, and that we are working on staying together, or something to that nature.

[emotionallybroken9]

"Why did you do that? Don't you love dad"

 

Btw, if some other people that went through this can chime in and share their experience, that would be great. But the quoted lines are what I would ask, and have asked my own wife. If this is painful or too hard, let me know and I'll stop. I'm just sending love to you and yours.

[whichwayisup]

My daughter is eleven, but despite her father and my best efforts, she notices something is not right. I posted a week ago about how my mother in law came into my house unannounced and ambushed us on our bedroom patio. Well, my daughter finally said she heard her grandma yelling, but not what about. She asked if she was mad at Dad and me. I told her that she was upset with me, but that we'd work through it. I mean, I didn't know what else to say to her, without straight up lying to her. She appeared satisfied with that answer, but we are both afraid she'll ask her grandma about why she is angry with me, and I'm not sure my mother in law will not blow up and tell her.

 

So my husband and I were talking today, and we think it is time. We didn't want to tell her right now, but things are spiralling out of control. The last thing we want is for her to hear it from anyone but us. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't afraid. We aren't sure how much she should know. I mean she isn't stupid and knows to have sex leads to babies. I know she'll be angry, and won't look at me the same way again. I know it's the consequence of my actions, but I'm sick thinking about it. My husband is sad and doesn't want her to think this changes anything, or to treat her sister differently.

 

I'm not sure what I'm asking, but any advice on how to handle this. We already are going to make her an appointment with a therapist to help her deal with any feelings she has.

 

I'm glad you all are going to do this in a therapists office.

 

Just love her and be there for her, answer all that she asks.

[TheRainbow]

"Why did you do that? Don't you love dad"

 

Btw, if some other people that went through this can chime in and share their experience, that would be great. But the quoted lines are what I would ask, and have asked my own wife. If this is painful or too hard, let me know and I'll stop. I'm just sending love to you and yours.

 

There is no too painful. I put myself in this situation. Now anything that comes my way, I deal with it.

[whichwayisup]

I think we might just tell her that I made a promise when we got married to be faithful, and I broke the promise and hurt her dad, that I had sex with another man and it resulted in her sister being born. That her dad is her sister's dad in all the ways that matters, and that we are working on staying together, or something to that nature.

 

DO talk to the therapist first before telling her. I'm not sure she's ready to hear this in details like how you described. Bolded there are other ways of saying it without actually saying you had sex with another man.

[TheRainbow]

DO talk to the therapist first before telling her. I'm not sure she's ready to hear this in details like how you described. Bolded there are other ways of saying it without actually saying you had sex with another man.

 

I mean there is only so many ways that could explain why her sister isn't her dad's biological daughter.

[TheRainbow]

Something really triggered my husband tonight. He is not exactly mad but he is quiet and agitated. Our daughter is moody, and the two younger ones are cranky. He did say he just wants to get this over with, so we can move on.

[LivingWaterPlease]

Can't you tell her something like you began to associate (or spend time) with another man and your relationship (or friendship) grew too close to him. So that you began to behave in ways only a husband and wife should behave and that resulted in a baby being conceived (or even "that resulted in a baby"). Then when you and your husband talked about what had happened you both knew that just as you are the woman who should be the babies' mother that your husband was the man who should be the babies' father. And that is just one of the many reasons you want to all be together as a family.

 

Then emphasize the love and commitment you and your husband have for each other and tell her that commitment is solid and includes her and her sister both. That you four are a strong team, for now and for the future! And that she and her sister both are very important parts of your team that you and your husband are dedicated to sharing a future together with.

 

If she asks why your husband should be the babies' father (rather than the other man) then you could reply something like, "Because he's the man I truly love who truly loves me, you, your sister, and our family. And he's the man you and your sister love. It is this love that binds us together."

 

If she refers to your MIL's angry behavior and connects it to the situation you could tell her that sometimes it takes people awhile to adjust their feelings to situations that they aren't familiar with. And that her grandmother needs time to adjust so you all are trying to be understanding and give her time to do so.

 

I haven't read your entire story so maybe that wouldn't work for some reason I don't know about. But, maybe some part of the above may work, I don't know.

 

I am so sorry you're having to deal with this. May God bind your family together through this difficult time and help your daughters to draw closer in together with you and your husband.

[elaine567]

Obviously there are lots of concerns here, but one concern that I have, is that you will be telling an 11 y o that her sister is her half sister and her sister is not your husband's child.

So SHE may surmise that she is the only true child, the other being less than...

"He's MY dad, he's not your your dad...,she's MY grandma not your grandma..."

I can see that playing out in sibling fights... maybe that attitude will come to the fore as soon as your older child finds out...

 

I suggest professional help and guidance before anything is said.

[TheRainbow]

Obviously there are lots of concerns here, but one concern that I have, is that you will be telling an 11 y o that her sister is her half sister and her sister is not your husband's child.

So SHE may surmise that she is the only true child, the other being less than...

"He's MY dad, he's not your your dad...,she's MY grandma not your grandma..."

I can see that playing out in sibling fights... maybe that attitude will come to the fore as soon as your older child finds out...

 

I suggest professional help and guidance before anything is said.

 

Then there is my six month old who is my n husbands,

[pepperbird]

I'm an adoptee, and in a support group for people who get a NPE paternity result. That simply means we found out our biological parentage is different than what we thought. There's no affair involved in my situation, and I grew up knowing I wads adopted.

 

 

There are several people in the group who found out, as adults that their biological father isn't the man who raised them. Most of them are really struggling. It's not just finding out their background that's hurting them, it's that they were lied to by their parents ( or at least their mother) for all those years.

 

If the op's child who has a different father is anything like the people in that group, she or he may want to find their biological parent. Given the ease with which people can have their DNA tested, there is a high chance that, at some point in the future, this will all come out anyway...whether it's by the OP's child deciding to test herself or a DNA relative doing so. It may sound far fetched, but all I had was a DNA test and a birth certificate that didn't even have accurate information, and a geneticist/ genealogist was able to use those along with public records to put together a family tree that goes back centuries.

These things can't be hidden anymore.

[emotionallybroken9]

@rainbow

 

Oh man. Your husband got triggered and you don’t know why. He gets moody and agitated. IF he’s anything like me, he’s pissed off at you, but he wants to protect you, so he’s hateful internally. He won’t talk. He wants your help. He expects you to help, even if he won’t say it.

 

My wife SUCKED at this department. She always expected me to tell her what to do to make it better. She wasn’t proactive AT ALL. At least you’re on here TRYING something. But this isn’t enough. You HAVE to show remorse. You have to apologize over, and over, and over. And I don’t mean just now. It has to be forever. It hasn’t to be GOOD AND REAL apologies.

“I’m sorry” with a hug will only piss him off.

“I’m sorry for taking you for granted and putting us here. You’re (insert compliments to help his insecurities)”

 

I can’t stress enough how much he’s destroyed internally as a man. As your husband. And now his family relations with his mom is destroyed. You have to realize you destroyed more than 5 lives. You HAVE TO make it visible that it’s a choice you will forever be sorry for. If you don’t like that, then take ur new baby and gtfo. If you want to truly make it up to him, freaking put him on the couch, rip off his pants, suck his dick, show him he’s a MAN. Show him you’re HIS. Show him AND tell him how sorry you are, and why you are.

 

If you think that’s too much, then take your newborn and gtfo.

 

This isn’t going to be a one time trigger. This is forever. He’s gonna watch a tv show. Bam trigger. He’s gonna hear of a city or anything. Bam trigger. Us BS’s have no idea what will trigger us next. But we’ll remember what you WS’s didn’t do to make us not regret taking you back.

 

But like I told you earlier about the pain of the mother in law, she also needs that. You thought I was exaggerating about kissing her feet. Man, this culture... you have zero dignity right now. You have to drop that thinking that you have honor. These two adults, (son and MIL) HAVE TO FEEL YOU DIDNT JUST GET AWAY WITH IT. If you think it’s fine, ITS NOT!

 

You said there’s another forum with his side of it. If I had that then I can help you even more from the BS side.

 

My wife truly sucked at making me feel whole again. I had to do it for myself. And she didn’t even **** the guy. Just pictures and letters and videos. Emotional with proof. You HAD THE OTHER MAN’S SPAWN AND BIRTHED IT FOR HIM, AND NOW YOURRRRRR HUSBAND WILL HAVE TO EXERT SO MUCH ENERGY TO TAKE CARE OF IT AND LOVE IT, THEN HE AND THIS BABY WILL HAVE TO GO THROUGH THIS PAIN AND EVEN WORSE LATER ALL OVER AGAIN.

 

Don’t think for one second that your husband won’t leave you and attempt to take his biological kids. Unless you fight, and take real actions, and stop this “oh but consequences will be hard,” then you won’t help him find security.

 

HE begged you to stay right? He may already be regretting that. Is he the happiest man around? If not, do something about it. Shower him with the 5 love languages, and when he says stop, It’s not working, you freaking KEEP SHOWERING HIM. Unless he physically makes you stop, his words mean nothing. He wants this proof of love, remorse, commitment from you.

 

Have you done what I’ve said already? Like really? He comes home, suck him off. Tel him how awesome he is. How sexy his (insert insecure part). Then after, you apologize apologize apologize.

 

This, of course, is what I wish my wife had done before we separated. This why I’m not going to be with her. She hasn’t show me THIS kind of commitment. You have to be proactive rainbow. You’ll lose your family if this keeps going.

 

Hopefully I’m wrong. Hopefully your husband is as stable as you and the other posters think he is. Hopefully this growing baby will have a dad in her life. Hopefully the mother/son relationship is healed so ALL of you are a family, not just you and your dumbass husband vs his MIL.

 

Your husband said let’s get it over with. Since you posted that, what DID you do aside from posting about it? This isn’t an attack, I’m just trying to help you keep what you threw away and regretted. Good luck. Really. And keep us posted. Be specific.

[JuneL]

Obviously there are lots of concerns here, but one concern that I have, is that you will be telling an 11 y o that her sister is her half sister and her sister is not your husband's child.

So SHE may surmise that she is the only true child, the other being less than...

"He's MY dad, he's not your your dad...,she's MY grandma not your grandma..."

I can see that playing out in sibling fights... maybe that attitude will come to the fore as soon as your older child finds out...

 

I suggest professional help and guidance before anything is said.

 

That’s the question I have been asking all along. So let’s say you plan to tell the affair baby in an age appropriate manner when she turns 5/6. How can you be sure she won’t hear from her elder sister (or another relative) when she’s 3/4, and not in an age appropriate manner?

 

Btw, what are your parents views in all this?

 

The more I think about it, paradoxically, the more I think it might cause less harm to everybody involved had your husband not beg you to stay. It sounds like you don’t care either way anyway.

[JuneL]

emotionallybroken9: You really need to have the mindset of someone with the martyr syndrome to understand all this. I urge you to spend this weekend catching up with her other threads

[emotionallybroken9]

emotionallybroken9: You really need to have the mindset of someone with the martyr syndrome to understand all this. I urge you to spend this weekend catching up with her other threads

 

This isn't my life on the line. It's hers. She doesn't have to respond to me, and neither do you. I don't have to read her story. This isnt entertainment for me. If the stuff I say is already covered, then she can tell me to gtfo. But you seem to know her better... have you met in person? Or is all what you're basing it on is the WORDS her and her husband decided to share? What about all the other stuff that's constantly looping around in their minds, and the actions that we don't get to see??

 

She ****ed another man. Got his baby. Wants her husband to be there for that baby. Man, do you not remember the first 5 years of raising a child? That effort? The psychological stress and trauma and mental tests you go through? They're going to raise a LIFE. This isn't just like buying a pet or a bad car.

 

This man is committing so much to her that his RELATIONSHIP WITH HIS OWN MOTHER SUFFERED SO MUCH. If you think I'm trying to hurt her, I'm not. This is real life man. One life, then death. In 5 years, is this husband going to regret this? When the baby starts to LOOK like the SOB that ruined their relationship? Is he going to be able to handle that? All he'll have is memories. Is he gonna remember that this woman went the full 9 yards for her husband, or did she get away with infidelity?

 

Have you been a BS or WS with children involved? I really don't understand how you're so calm and laughing about this. This isn't some online entertainment. These are real people with real lives ON THE LINE. Her husband was TRIGGERED. And the baby isn't even old enough. Her 11 year old daughter is moody, and she has no idea why.

 

Like damn, if she debased herself to the point of cheating, lying, and hiding, then why wouldn't she debase herself for the man that's fighting his own mind trying to stay with this cheater??

 

Stop targetting me and focus on OP. If you want to say something to me then you private messages. Keep this about OP. Jesus.

 

@Pepper, thank you for that point of view. So even as a baby that was adopted from love, you're still struggling. So how will a baby that was an ACCIDENT and the possible cause of a FAMILY UNIT BEING DESIMATED feel about themselves, forever.

 

How many people responded to this thread? 7? That's all she has to go with right now. OP I really hope you're getting how severe this is. And time keeps moving. It doesnt stop. So be ready for ANYTHING, because your actions created this new timeline for the other 6 people in your life, so take full responsibility. Or Like I said, and maybe I'm a commitment guy, or my culture and religion really instilled that, but you REALLY should think about what it is you're willing to do, AND BE, for this family.

 

You don't have to prove sh[]t to me or the other posters. It's to YOUR family that you have to do this for. I'm not a therapist. All I can give you is my point of view, and views that you may never have fathomed simply because we grew up in different places and experienced different lives. Or the thousands of articles and threads I've read. They all cry for the same thing. They're all in my head, and I'm sharing them with you to save you time. You don't have 7 years of being in a ****ty relationship to read about the pain and suffering of other BS's and WS's. I have. 7 years at least, and counting. I am giving you all of those people's points of views, not just mine. How many articles and threads have YOU read? Can you say you're truly giving everything, when I just described to you what one version of commitment looks like? Who KNOWS what your husband expects. He probably doesn't even know because he also probably didn't read or experience as much.

 

And if at any point you want me to gtfo, I will, because this is your place and your thread to get what info you need to help your family and you. <3

Edited June 22, 2019 by emotionallybroken9

[JuneL]

Okay, I promise this is my last response in this thread.

 

In her husband’s mind, the more sacrifices he endures, the more he’s a martyr.

 

And the baby is not an accident by any stretch. That is something that has puzzled me to this day. She had unprotected sex many MANY many times with her affair partner.

[emotionallybroken9]

Wow. Okay, so when it gets tough, you bail. Nice.

 

If the husband feels like a martyr, it's because she put him there. He never had an experience like this. Ever. Neither has she. Have you been in an affair? Have you used another human to escape your own life? She may have "loved" this man, but that was her human biological body. Going forward, she may recognize those feelings, and instead of acting on them, she would run to her (hopefully still) husband and tell him they need to immediately work on their relationship.

 

My god. This woman deserves forgiveness. The husband deserves love and tender care. He doesn't want to be a martyr. No one does. She has to own up to that with ACTION. And if it all blows up, she has to forgive herself because she's a human too, and she's allowed to make bad decisions. It's what she does after those decisions that counts.

 

JuneL, don't give up because I posted on here. You and I are 100% equal. If you give up now, then what was the point at trying at all? But maybe thi s is something new that you learned about yourself. "When the going gets tough, I bail." I hope you don't. This family doesn't need more abandonment.

 

This is why I said she can gtfo of that relationship at anytime. They dont HAVE to stay together. Is she willing to leave him if it will help him? Is she willing to make sacrifices that will hurt her forever, in order to save the lives which she stabbed? Is she willing to fight for him until he flies away or puts a restraining order on her? How committed is she now. How committed will she get. Only she knows, and it will only matter to her husband and daughters, not use LS posters.

Edited June 22, 2019 by emotionallybroken9

[schlumpy]

Emotionallybroken - I appreciate your posts. You are digging into the ground and exposing the roots in my opinion.

 

Rainbow I don't see one good solution to your problems. Everyone of them leads to pain and sacrifice. It is to your credit that you are willing to stand on the firing line.

 

I don't have any children so any comments about child rearing would just be academic in nature but I am curious about one thing: What guarantee did you give your husband that you will never push him the cliff again?

 

The reason I ask is that I just don't get the feeling from reading your words that infidelity is off the table for you.

 

Best wishes to you and your family

[TheRainbow]

Btw, what are your parents views in all this?

 

The more I think about it, paradoxically, the more I think it might cause less harm to everybody involved had your husband not beg you to stay. It sounds like you don’t care either way anyway.

 

My mother when I told her was disappointed. She told me that I got myself into this mess, and I'll need to face any consequences that come the way. She'll be here for emotional support and to provide support for the children, but she isn't going to hold my hand and solve my problems for me. My dad didn't say much and wants to stay out of it.

 

He begged me to stay, but near the end of our seperation, he had begun to accept it. It was me that started to let myself become vulnerable because it was me that was coming to terms with how messed up I was, and how much I really did miss my husband. Take away all the layers, and I do think we can have a good marriage. I do think we connect better now in the last six months then we did the entire first 10 years of our marriage. He has started establishing boundaries, and he expects me to do the heavy lifting. It'll take us both a long time to work through both of our internal issues because we lived with them for so long.

 

 

Oh man. Your husband got triggered and you don’t know why. He gets moody and agitated. IF he’s anything like me, he’s pissed off at you, but he wants to protect you, so he’s hateful internally. He won’t talk. He wants your help. He expects you to help, even if he won’t say it.

 

He has been doing a lot of reading his therapist recommended on setting healthy boundaries. So I think he's been doing a lot of reflection and it's bringing up some mix feelings. Not to mention our daughter is asking questions. Back when we separated last year, we had a close call and she did learn the other man's first name, and it's only a matter of time with how many people know the truth that she will find out. I do know that there is a possibility my daughter will tell her sister out of anger, or frustration the truth to her sister. We'll prepare for that day.

 

I asked him this morning how he was feeling and he said he was fine. I told him, I knew him well enough that there was something else on his mind bothering him. He admitted their was something that was irritating him but it was nothing to do with me, or our current situation and doesn't feel the need to talk about it. I told him if he changes his mind he knows where to find me, and that's it.

[TheRainbow]

If the husband feels like a martyr, it's because she put him there. He never had an experience like this. Ever. Neither has she. Have you been in an affair?

 

He has put up with a lot and if he didn't forgive me, no one would think he was wrong or unreasonable.

 

We met when I worked as an exotic dancer or the less desirable name of a stripper. I pretty much left my then boyfriend for him. THen I cheated with two men before marriage, one was a physical affair, and one was an emotional affair. I had zero self-esteem, and instead of doing anything about it, I instead treated my husband like ****.

 

Then the night before my wedding, I slept with a stranger, was having second thoughts but went through with it anyway. I felt like then I was settling because we had a child. I should have told him how I felt, postponed the wedding but again I didn't and slept with another man instead.

 

He was there for me when I dealt with severe postpartum depression, and he was helped many nights while I worked toward getting my grade 12. Having a learning disability, the school was always hard, but he was patient and encouraged me.

 

Then he encouraged me when I started a new career. How did I repay him? I started an affair with my boss. My boss wasn't a nice guy. He used my vulnerabilities against me. Instead of telling my husband how my boss was treating me, and how I was feeling, I instead had sex with him. I let this man abuses me, and in return, I pushed away and treated the one person who was there for me.

 

My husband only found out because an ex-employee told him. By then, I was emotionally detached. My husband offered me support, and the only condition he had was I had to quit my job. But I didn't. That is when I first asked him for a divorce.

 

Then my boss transferred, and my focus was back on my husband. Then I wanted to have a baby. So we tried and found out my husband had male factor infertility issues. We corrected that and started again. Around this time, the other man came back. I was frustrated with not conceiving, the other man and I began to talk again, and the affair started up again. We weren't directly working together but saw each other often.

 

Then I found out I was pregnant with my daughter. My husband and I were having sex a lot around this time. Not as much as the other man and I. But still I didn't know. For the first few months, my daughter was bald and looked like her older sister a lot, so I thought for sure she'd be my husbands. I asked the other man to take one of those at home DNA tests. At this time, I wanted to divorce because up until this point. I had shut down emotionally from everything. But once the DNA test results came back proving my husband wasn't the father, I had to tell him.

 

Around 7 and eight months old, she started growing red hair, and at almost 17 months past, she has a few freckles forming on her cheeks. She does look more like me, but you can see some similarities to the other man.

 

But leading up to our brief separation, my husband and I still had sex and got a surprise pregnancy, and I do think the pregnancy, and separating from my husband was brought me back down to Earth. He wasn't there every day. He wasn't there to hold my hand or to be that soft landing. I missed him and realized just how much I took for granted. Just before our daughter was born prematurely, I moved back in with him.

 

I've been in therapy going on a year. He has started going despite resisting, but I told him how can we have a healthy marriage or be healthy parents if nothing changes. So he finally went. It's a slow process, but the progress is there.

[emotionallybroken9]

I asked him this morning how he was feeling and he said he was fine. I told him, I knew him well enough that there was something else on his mind bothering him. He admitted their was something that was irritating him but it was nothing to do with me, or our current situation and doesn't feel the need to talk about it. I told him if he changes his mind he knows where to find me, and that's it.

 

This. This is the **** that my wife pulled, and now I'm further away from her than ever before. He's distancing himself from you. He's starting to figure out the same stuff I did. "Why should I stay with her, when I gave her so much."

 

So you now expect him to tell you how to heal him, when he himself doesn't know how. All you did was just give him WORDS that do NOTHING. OBVIOUSLY HE'S HURT FROM BEING CHEATED ON, WHAT ELSE COULD IT BE????????? EVERYTHING is going to be about your affair. If he has a bad day at work, it'll be because he was thinking about this. He'll be thinking about all the opportunities he missed out on. EVERYTHING is related to your infidelity. Don't ask him what's wrong, because BOTH of you KNOW what's wrong. Make HIM FEEL good. BE the wife he DREAMS to have.

 

Why didnt you hug him, tell him how amazing he IS, remind him why he's awesome and why you wouldn't take it for granted ever again? He'll want it, but never say it, because it has to come FROM YOU.

 

Man, it's like hearing my stbxw. You took initiative and effort to keep your fu[]k buddy and bastard man a secret. How long before your husband realizes he CAN find a woman that WILL hold on to him with the love and passion that she had for her OM, and for her own kids.

 

Essentially, you went to him. You told him, "I see you're hurting," and then walked away. If your daughter was upset, would you do the same thing? "No mom, I'm fine." you: "Oh okay, well let me know if you wanna talk about it." Or... would you keeep digging, and digging, and giving your all to help because she's 11 years old?

 

He didn't tell you what was wrong. He's already distancing himself from you. He's starting to get the reality that you're not worth it. Are you worth it? Is he? Stop just using words and take some f[]cking action! Kiss him! Hold him! Stay with him! This guy took you back after you cheated and spawned a reminder forever, yet your actions/lack there of are shouting to him that he's putting in more effort than you.

 

Coming here for ideas is great, but you have to DO stuff, even if it pisses him off, at least you'd show you're TRYING. Just TALKING is the same as NOTHING.

 

He's having a million conversations with you a day, but it's all in his head. And the problem is that the "you" in his head is also not doing a good job. In one day, he can have as many "revelations" as necessary to stop the pain. The difference of 1 hour or 1 day is what'll break your union.

 

You're losing him, and he's still trying to fight for you. Eventually, he'll only fight for himself and his kids. Don't let it get too far, but then again, thats the commitment you've been showing in this thread. If he left you, and gave you the kids, would you be okay with that?

 

Is there a plan B? WHY? If he thinks there's still a plan B, then he's gonna MAKE one. He never had one, and now he'll start considering it, then making it.

 

No one gets married thinking of Plan B. Plan A is to be together forever. He now KNOWS you had plan B, and C. He never had it. Now he's beginning to construct one. If he completes it, you're f[]cked, because it'll become his Plan A.

 

Of course, if this all seems too much, he'll know it, and he'll leave. He hasn't left. That's him fighting for you. But you're losing. He's beginning to not depend on you anymore.

Edited June 22, 2019 by emotionallybroken9