Do men expect women to chase? If so why?

[surferchic]

Expecting women to chase is reasonable, if you want a woman who tends more toward assertive/dominant/leading behaviors (in the relationship and in general).

 

What kills me is when a guy talks about how his perfect wife would be submissive, docile, demure, etc... and then goes on to talk about how he expects women to chase him, and how lack of chasing means she's not interested.....

 

Fa sho! & dido ...to everything you said.

 

Men(people) often twist their stories to benefit them in the moment or situation.

Edited June 8, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[surferchic]

Surferchic, could you define "chase"? I wonder if some of the discussion is being lost in semantics.

 

Are you talking about women who pique a guy's interest and initiate the first date? Or are you talking about women who show reciprocal interest? Seems to be random discussion of both here but they are entirely different things.

 

Thank you for this question. I had the very thought yesterday, but I failed to make a statement about it.

 

By saying “chase”, I’m referring to when a man does most of the persuing to a female who is typically laid back( like myself) does he tend to want to manipulate situations to see how much and if she REALLY cares about him or their relationship?

 

And if so, does this type of man require more reassurance or just typical reciprocity?

 

Thanks again for the clarifying question! I hope I helped ...?

[basil67]

Wow, so we were really off track with our responses To me, chasing is in the initial stages of trying to catch a partner.

 

Thing is, this guy sounds like he's already your boyfriend, so this isn't about chasing. It's more about him needing a partner who actively reaches out in the same way he does. He likely feels it's unfair that he has to reach out the majority if the time and needs you to lift your game.

 

So, in answer to your question, I think that Yes, most men do want a partner who demonstrates interest on an equal level to what he does.

[basil67]

Taking it further: we see this kind of behaviour all the time from both genders: One person acts like they can't be arsed making an effort, so the other one backs off to see if they are actually interested. If you want a relationship, do your share of the heavy lifting. If you do your share, nobody will need to test and see if you're interested.

 

Also the comments about a passive guy here are also relevant to a woman. Too laid back = too lazy.

[Curiousroxy86]

I stand by my original first response to this thread and responses thereafter

 

Op I personally dont intiate calling, texting, or asking to see each other most of the time with a boyfriend UNLESS he ask me to "call him" then I will call the day he asked me. if he ask me to "call him sometimes" then I would initiate calling SOMETIMES. what I wont do is try to match his pursuit such as initiate calling him consistently, texting him consistently, or initiate asking to see him. I instead respond with interest like I always say. meaning he calls, I pick up or call him back within a reasonable amount of time, no purposefully ignoring his calls or blowing him off, and am happy to talk with him, he text I text back and engage in fun/funny flirty convo, he ask to see me I make time to see him and we spend time together and have a great time together.

 

I have had a suitor complain once about not calling first after only calling me twice . I have had a suitor who have consistently called me asking me to call him sometimes which I did "sometimes". other than that none of my previous boyfriends complained. most men in my experience only care that you show that your interested, like them, want them, desire them, welcome their advances, you call them them back or pick up the phone, you text back, you make time to see them instead of being flakey, and you return their affections but pursuing them by calling them, texting them, asking to see them is not needed by many dare I say most. and I see in too many cases this works against women which is why I unapologetically dont recommend it for women.

 

reasons I dont try to match a boyfriends initiations goes back to what I have said before in this thread and many others on this very subject. men do what they want to do generally speaking. if a man wanted to talk or see you he will call, text, and see you. I believe in respecting a mans autonomy to choose you not only at the beginning but even within the relationship. if your initiating on a consistent level without him even having the desire your killing his desire and attraction for you on a subconscious level and many men wont even be able to put their finger on why they feel less for the woman or value her less or take her for granted though she may be a good ole girlfriend giving him alot of attention. of course these arent the only reasons men lose desire for a woman but it is one of many reasons none of the less and it is a significant reason with a simple solution without playing silly games.

 

If he really didnt want to talk to you or see you at a particular time he is going to just not call you and not see you or not mention seeing you (obviously) but if you call him and try to see him during a moment he do not want to see you well many men wont let you know "babe I really dont want to see you/talk on the phone" lol. they will just allow it most of the time and not admit how he really feels at that moment of time. add those moments up well attraction/desire prematurely wanes when it didnt even have to. if you initiate you wont know when those moments really are. so again I am a big believer in letting men choose to contact and see you when they want. he automatically gets space and will choose to come towards me when he desires to do so.

 

Even if I do want to be near the guy I care more about being near my guy when he wants to be near me also. win win. yes men do care about interest. many men do not want to be pursued (including many who say they do but the subconscious betrays them).

Edited June 8, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[basil67]

Roxy, how does this approach work for you IRL? Do you have a solid long term partner who accepts your approach? Marriage on the near horizon?

[Shining One]

Op I personally dont intiate calling, texting, or asking to see each other most of the time with a boyfriend UNLESS he ask me to "call him" then I will call the day he asked me. if he ask me to "call him sometimes" then I would initiate calling SOMETIMES. what I wont do is try to match his pursuit such as initiate calling him consistently, texting him consistently, or initiate asking to see him.

This is the sort of behavior that would move a woman from the relationship pile to the sex only pile for me. I suppose I've been spoiled by women who try to meet me half way (or reasonably close) on effort. I certainly found this behavior much more acceptable in my younger days.

[surferchic]

I stand by my original first response to this thread and responses thereafter ......

 

Agreed! And this is my logic of why I am the way I am. It frustrates many men, but subconsciously they like it.

 

Curiousroxy86 - have you NEVER initiated seeing a man or is it something you don’t make a practice of doing consistently or ...?

Edited June 8, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[surferchic]

And generally speaking... I only posed the initial thread question to get an better understanding of a man’s (my bf) thinking...not for because I plan to actually chase. Just want to be clear on that.

 

My consistent struggle has typically been more about to how to NOT appear so nonchalant. So every now and then I will surprise him by asking to see him. But perhaps I should just remain my “nonchalant” self and not even do that.

 

Example of him TESTING: BF and I were just talking. He asked if I had plans for tomorrow. I mention one thing I’m doing midday. He then discusses doing an activity that we sometimes do together and asks me if I can go, as if he didn’t just hear me say what I was doing or was he seeing if I was going to change my plans? So I just responded telling him I’d most likely wouldn’t be able to because I didn’t want to mess up his schedule and I don’t want to rush out of feeling pressure from him to squeeze in an activity.

Edited June 8, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Curiousroxy86]

Roxy, how does this approach work for you IRL? Do you have a solid long term partner who accepts your approach? Marriage on the near horizon?

 

Quite well actually

 

I don’t have half of the dating/relationship problems women complain about for good reason

 

And many women who DO chase are also single and dating like me AND there are many women who didn’t/don’t chase who are long term married and happy. So I’m not worried. Why? Because the reason women are single has nothing to do with whether they chase or not. So I’m sorry I missed the point you tried to make linking the two (a point I never tried to make btw). I mean I could help you out. There are more specific factors that can be argued but I get the feeling you are not interested in responding to my view with any real valid points. Your only interested in taking cheap shots without thinking. And that I can’t help you with my friend

 

Listen I know the reason your on my posts so hard is that you defend the fact that you may have shamelessly chased your husband/partner and that you guys are happy and I am oh so happy for you. I really am.

 

However despite the fact that chasing worked for you and very well may work for some other women I still do not think it’s wise advice to women as a whole for the many reasons I have already stated which is all I am simply trying to say. It’s fine if you don’t agree but if your going to jump on my case over my points at the very least respond to the points I’m actually making instead of taking cheap pointless shots ok? Thank you kindly.

[surferchic]

Wow, so we were really off track with our responses To me, chasing is in the initial stages of trying to catch a partner.

 

Thing is, this guy sounds like he's already your boyfriend, so this isn't about chasing. It's more about him needing a partner who actively reaches out in the same way he does. He likely feels it's unfair that he has to reach out the majority if the time and needs you to lift your game.

 

So, in answer to your question, I think that Yes, most men do want a partner who demonstrates interest on an equal level to what he does.

 

No, I don’t feel like people were that much off track. It’s still good to see people’s perception of “chase”. Whether it’s in the beginning or middle of relationship.

 

I used he word chase because that’s what I feel like I’m doing if I start trying to match every action a man does or go after him when or if he pulls back. When I realized my bf was actually being manipulative recently, I was glad I don’t “chase”. I reached out once. When I didn’t call repeatedly or go to his place looking for him, he was upset saying he wanted me to call more and if he didn’t pop up at my place (unannounced) we probably wouldn’t have seen each other that day(because I didn’t reach out more). When he got to my place I was calm, chilling and talking to a friend on the phone. Like, what do men want?!?!

[Curiousroxy86]

This is the sort of behavior that would move a woman from the relationship pile to the sex only pile for me. I suppose I've been spoiled by women who try to meet me half way (or reasonably close) on effort. I certainly found this behavior much more acceptable in my younger days.

 

thats fair

 

like I mentioned many times before IMO the idea of chasing a man is not in womens best interest (generally speaking)

 

but for a man of course he is not going to complain, he is not going to exactly turn it down, and many may welcome it. the story you dont get from men is what happens after all that chasing she doing. what we do hear is the story from women after all that chasing...on this damn forum and any other plat form about women dating/relationships

 

but I have to ask specifically for you shining....if I heard you correctly if you are calling and asking a girl out and she is responding with clear interest but dont initiate you would still just use her for sex...but what would you do if she is not even giving you sex before an exclusive boyfriend and girlfriend relationship? surely you would leave the girl alone right? since she is not having sex with you? or are you the type to actually try to be in a relationship with her and then try to use her for just sex and cheat or use her for just sex then breakup?

[Shining One]

but I have to ask specifically for you shining....if I heard you correctly if you are calling and asking a girl out and she is responding with clear interest but dont initiate you would still just use her for sex...but what would you do if she is not even giving you sex before an exclusive boyfriend and girlfriend relationship? surely you would leave the girl alone right? since she is not having sex with you? or are you the type to actually try to be in a relationship with her and then try to use her for just sex and cheat or use her for just sex then breakup?

With few exceptions, I generally have sex before exclusivity. I'm willing to accept her not initiating during the early dating phase, but I would not tolerate it for long in the relationship phase.

 

I don't see it as using her for sex. We were dating and evaluating each other for long term potential. She failed to demonstrate long term potential and I ended the relationship.

[surferchic]

This is the sort of behavior that would move a woman from the relationship pile to the sex only pile for me. I suppose I've been spoiled by women who try to meet me half way (or reasonably close) on effort. I certainly found this behavior much more acceptable in my younger days.

 

So you prefer a woman to just “put it all out there for you”? Attention, feelings, sex, etc?

 

Does this “heart on sleeve” behavior really keep you (a man) engaged/interested or does it just make it easier to read her?

 

Next question: then what?

[alphamale]

sometimes I chase and sometime she chases, it all works out in the end

[Curiousroxy86]

Agreed! And this is my logic of why I am the way I am. It frustrates many men, but subconsciously they like it.

 

Curiousroxy86 - have you NEVER initiated seeing a man or is it something you don’t make a practice of doing consistently or ...?

 

now I want to make myself clear surfer. I dont try to frustrate men and in my experience I dont for the most part. there may be disagreements about my personal boundaries but not to the point of feeling frustrated in the sense that they think I dont care within the relationship. im not about games and even though I dont pursue/chase/intiate I do show true interest/desire in whoever im dating/in a relationship with so thats why they are fine with it and love it. so just be careful with the "frustration" that you may notice because as I said before there is a such thing as going too far on the not chasing spectrum to the point that you come off like you dont give a damn about him as much as he cares for you and you dont want to do that to your boyfriend. nobody should be in a relationship where they feel like they are not cared for. I havent read your other threads you may have started to see if this may be the case mind you so I am not accusing you of anything. im just saying be careful.

 

alright so that being said and to answer your question about the subject of seeing a man....

 

I dont initiate trying to see him because I never had to. guys will naturally say when they want to see me within a reasonable amount of time. and they escalate that time on their own. if there are is a rare occasion or cause I will though. im not above initiating seeing a man if its something thats time sensitive I need to see him about or if there is a boundary that has been crossed like he hasnt asked to see me in more than a week without letting me know whats going on. but that hasnt happened.

[surferchic]

Understood! Thanks for clarifying.

 

And no offense taken. I’m in no way trying to intentionally frustrate men. It happens due to different reasons. Nevertheless, I’m actually working on my communication skills honestly. I’m not a cheater. I’m not mean. Nor do I antagonize.

 

I find the same happens when I’ve allowed a man to show his interest at his own pace. However, my thing is that I have to set boundaries better in terms of not being afraid to say this is what I prefer and why. I’m getting better at it. For example, I prefer texting more than talking on the phone all the time. My bf prefers talking more. I have a slight anxiety about certain things yes. But more importantly is that I prefer to pace things to avoid us getting tired of each their quickly.

 

Ive communicated this with my bf before . He’s listened and early in he said he respects that. Then gradually he just kept calling like a lot as if he didn’t remember my preference. It’s not so bad because I also agreed to work on being more at ease with talking more as opposed to texting. I talk a lot in front of people for a living so sometimes I just want to not have to talk.... plus I can be a slow processor at certain times because I like choosing my responses carefully. No BS... I’m being honest.

 

BF initiates most of our communication and seeing each other but I am still working on BALANCE. I don’t like moving too fast and I need time to myself , sometimes more than the average person.

 

I’m still learning and growing though.

Edited June 8, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Curiousroxy86]

And generally speaking... I only posed the initial thread question to get an better understanding of a manÂ’s (my bf) thinking...not for because I plan to actually chase. Just want to be clear on that.

 

My consistent struggle has typically been more about to how to NOT appear so nonchalant. So every now and then I will surprise him by asking to see him. But perhaps I should just remain my “nonchalant” self and not even do that.

 

Example of him TESTING: BF and I were just talking. He asked if I had plans for tomorrow. I mention one thing IÂ’m doing midday. He then discusses doing an activity that we sometimes do together and asks me if I can go, as if he didnÂ’t just hear me say what I was doing or was he seeing if I was going to change my plans? So I just responded telling him IÂ’d most likely wouldnÂ’t be able to because I didnÂ’t want to mess up his schedule and I donÂ’t want to rush out of feeling pressure from him to squeeze in an activity.

 

yeah guys will try you lol. gotta love em tho...

 

my best advice I can give (just my 2 cents mind you) is do prioritize him to make sure he feels cared for without compromising on boundaries thats important to you.

 

for example he tested you but he clearly wanted to see you. so I would redirect him instead of a full on turn down. so you say you have plans to do something and he says he wanted to see you at the time you told him you had plans. just say "I would love to spend time with you babe. I can see you tomorrow instead (or whatever day you are willing to set aside for him)". if he complains remind him. "honey remember when I said I had plans to do xyz today? I can see you tomorrow babe". if you leave it at just "I cant see you. I have plans" well then he may feel like you just dont care about seeing him and feels negative about, but if you give a counter offer that still shows you do want to see him and encourage that then you kept your boundary concerning your time/autonomy and still made him feel important. so I think that will help you without appearing so nonchalant.

 

I do not recommend canceling things you want to do and giving him all your time just to appease him. you will be resentful and then he can very well turn around and get tired of it and then you will really be pissed lmao. seen it happen too many times with women. just dont do it lol.

 

you can show that you care (versus appearing nonchalant) without feeling like you have to pursue/chase/jump through his hoops in order for him to feel better....

[Kitty Tantrum]

I don't think there should be ANY "chasing" IN a relationship that is already established. That just sounds exhausting.

 

Back when my fiancé and I were dating, before we moved in together, I think I called/texted him a small handful of times requesting to get together or spend the night. I was comfortable doing that because it WASN'T chasing. It was just logistics. At that point there was zero doubt in my mind regarding his interest in me. I never felt anxious about what his reply would be. I can only assume it was pretty similar on his end. We really didn't have much communication outside of when we were actually together. Still don't. I like it that way. No insecurity or validation-seeking on either side. I can't handle that kind of behavior, or the neuroses that go with it.

 

Of course, I also made a pretty strong point of taking ambiguity off the table early on. If I'm bringing a guy fresh homemade pastries on the regular, cooking his breakfast and making his coffee every morning we're together, washing his sheets, etc., and he still feels the need to "test" me or gauge my interest, he can just GTFO.

[surferchic]

Yep@ both responses. Quite funny too ?

 

Yes they will “try you”. And yep, I don’t do well with a bunch of contact especially talking too much all the time, especially when we’ve been in each other’s presence recently because we’d have little to talk about...IMO.

 

I want to keep things fresh while still being my gentle and sincere self.

 

I like that you both speak about autonomy for yourself AND the guy. That’s really important.

 

*oh , and I didn’t totally reject bf out loud or speak down to him. I just told him that I’d only be doing xyz during the first part of the day.

 

When we first met, more as friends, I wouldn’t talk on the phone a lot and I had to ask for a rain check for our first date because I had a lot going in with work and in my life in general. So we started slow but we both were forthcoming about how much we enjoyed each other and how much we had in common, with regard to hobbies and hobbies. And I made and still do, make him laugh a lot... without even trying.

 

I make it clear that I don’t like people being mad or holding grudges and I don’t like wasting time being upset. So when we disagree on stuff now, we try to move past it within a reasonable amount of time by talking it out that same day or within a few hours.

 

Other than that though, my desire to be CONSTANTLY ENGAGED throughout the day, makes me anxious. I have never “chased “ and don’t plan to.

 

I am however, working on being more balanced and overall willing to NOT BE IN CONTROL. I’ll admit, when things start feeling too good emotionally and physically sometimes, I feel the need to pump the breaks...respectfully, but yep that’s me.

[preraph]

Again, it's all in how you define chasing, but if it's big chasing, someone going after someone who is reluctant, that's already a big imbalance and isn't going to work out.

[unevenXchange]

I still feel like men get an ego boost lots of the time from their GF reciprocating and borderline chasing. even when it’s the middle of an established relationship. I’ve heard a married friend of mine mention men using the excuse that we don’t give them enough attention, as a reason to stray, cheat, etc.

 

I’m also interested in a balance . I don’t always know where that is, but hopefully my significant other and I will get it right. He prefers more contact throughout the entire day, similar to your situation OP. If he starts testing me(more), I’m not even sure how I would respond completely other than being who I am and allowing him to LEAD. I prefer that quality in a man, without a doubt.

[unevenXchange]

I get it OP

[surferchic]

Other than that though, my desire to be CONSTANTLY ENGAGED throughout the day, makes me anxious. I have never “chased “ and don’t plan to.

 

Typo: should’ve read: other than that HIS desire to be CONSTANTLY ENGAGED throughout the day makes me anxious.

 

Big difference. Sorry about that

[surferchic]

I get it OP

 

Sorry... you get what? The thread title or not wanting to be constantly talking all day to him when we’ve been in each other’s presence recently?