Husband is cheap on me but spoils himself

[BluEyeL]

I personally don’t defend the H. He’s probably an arse. I’m just saying if you got a problem with your H not valuing you or treating you right, playing games like that and testing him isn’t going to work. It’s about the problems in the relationship. It felt to me somewhat like when people play dating games, not answering texts to see if the other person gets anxious .

 

And because the OP asked, I personally answered to OP and told her how her H likely thinks. Not that it’s right.

[elaine567]

What it boils down to is OP is a SAHM of 3, youngest child 6 months old, not working, not earning, so does not deserve $1000 bag, she should be darned happy with a $50 bag, the fact he bought her $150 bag was really too much... he is spoiling her...

Husband is the bread winner, money is all his, so he deserves $3000 golf clubs, poor guy having such an ungrateful spoilt brat for a wife...

 

 

[Mr. Lucky]

^^^ You have to be careful, not everyone recognizes sarcasm. In my family, we speak it like a second language...

 

Mr. Lucky

[littleblackheart]

It’s about the problems in the relationship

 

For sure. As I mentioned upthread, it sounds ike an exhausting cat and mouse game of who can be the most passive aggressive in that couple. The price of the bag / golf clubs / breadwinner / SAHM are byproducts of the heart of it, which to me is a lack of communication at best / a fundamental incompatibility in core values at worst.

[heartwhole2]

What it boils down to is OP is a SAHM of 3, youngest child 6 months old, not working, not earning, so does not deserve $1000 bag, she should be darned happy with a $50 bag, the fact he bought her $150 bag was really too much... he is spoiling her...

Husband is the bread winner, money is all his, so he deserves $3000 golf clubs, poor guy having such an ungrateful spoilt brat for a wife...

 

 

 

Wow, you think she deserves a $50 bag? I think she should have to carry all her kids' pacifiers and snacks around in her bare hands.

[grace4ever]

Thank you for sharing your thoughts and concerns with us. I am so sorry you are dealing with such a difficult situation. These forums are great for sharing burdens, venting. Have you ever heard that when the people get married, they bring their own luggage from their own family? That does mean that they bring wound from their own families. No one is perfect; therefore no marriage is perfect. It is possible that maybe your husband can have wounds from his childhood that are affecting his behavior in your marriage. Perhaps that his behavior of spending money that way could be because he has a problem with compulsive behavior of buying things for him? Counseling or therapy works through things like this. You and your DH are worthy of fighting for. Did you explain your DH what type, brand and model of bag you want? It is understandable the way what you feel but we can’t expect that men think like us. Men are practical and I encourage you to find out the right time that you can open your heart to him and tell him about your feelings. This could be a misunderstanding. Maybe you can suggest to go shopping with him and buy a bag that you really like in despite the price. Hope this helps. Sending you hugs and I will keep you in my prayers, my friend.

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[anika99]

I’m a woman. I did not read the gender war responses. To me, regardless of whether it’s a handbag, jewelry, sporting equipment, a car or whatever , OPs approach to ask for something expensive just to match his spending and to test his love is playing a game that is childish, unproductive, and as we could see, it backfired. It is clear that she feels she is not valued and she’s resentful, not that she wants a bag.

 

These deep problems in their marriage are guaranteed not to be be resolved this way. They need to sit down with a marriage counselor , or with each other , and may down their wants and needs. If the wife wants to be treated as an equal she needs to act as such and not make whiny demands. She wants something, she says she has access to money, don’t ask your daddy to buy it for you. Buy it. But it’s not about that, is it?

 

As far as sexism , yes it’s there but in reality in a relationship, who has the money has more power, to a higher or lower extent, no matter how much the SAHM moms or dads cry bloody murder over that. It’s not even about gender. Maybe it’s not always as obvious if the relationship is good but if it’s not great , it shows.

 

First of all she didn't try to match his spending. His golf clubs were $3000 and the bag she asked for was $1000 so that's quite a difference. If she just wanted to match his spending she would have asked for a $3000 item. She also said that her husband often buys himself material items while she rarely does because she is more frugal.

 

Also don't see where she said she only asked for the bag to test him or play games with him. She communicated what she wanted to him very clearly, even made suggestions on brands. She didn't play some game of being vague and letting him figure what she wanted. The fact that she questions her value to him after she received a much lesser quality bag doesn't mean she only asked for the bag to test his love. If my SO made good money and easily spent thousands of dollars on himself but took me to a McDonald's drive thru when I asked for a steak dinner, I'm going to question his love for me. I asked for a steak dinner because I really wanted steak, not because I was testing his love, but once he deems me only worthy of McDonald's I'm going to have some problems with that.

 

Seems like people are doing a lot projecting and a lot of ignoring what she actually wrote in order to berate her for wanting an expensive item. One guy here talking about his ex used to be so frivolous with money their electricity used to be disconnected due to non payment. Like what in the world does that have to do with the OP? What if the OP said she asked for a new washing machine? Or a weekend away? Would that have been more acceptable to everyone? It seems like people had a knee jerk reaction to spending $1000 on a purse, like they were personally offended or something, lol, but if an item like that is special and valuable to the OP what does it matter to anyone else? We all like to get spoiled with something special sometime and we get to decide what we find special.

[anika99]

What it boils down to is OP is a SAHM of 3, youngest child 6 months old, not working, not earning, so does not deserve $1000 bag, she should be darned happy with a $50 bag, the fact he bought her $150 bag was really too much... he is spoiling her...

Husband is the bread winner, money is all his, so he deserves $3000 golf clubs, poor guy having such an ungrateful spoilt brat for a wife...

 

 

 

I mean, why does she even need a purse? All she does all day is take care of kids. She can just put her stuff in the diaper bag and she should be grateful to her husband for buying that diaper bag!

[JuneL]

OP, I believe your husband sees value in the golf clubs and does not see value in a $1,000 handbag, thus, to him, it's fine to spend that much on the clubs and not $1,000 on a handbag. If he's a businessman and if he plays golf, he needs those clubs, while you stay home and don't really need a $1,000 handbag.

 

Second, as unfair as it is, when you don't make your own money, no matter how much we say that "it's our money", it'll always be more "his" money than "your money". That's how human nature is, not the idealistic notions we have about how "it should" be.

 

A woman's work in the home is not valued the same. Look how much are working women, in traditionally female dominated professions, get paid, compared to the male dominated professions.

 

Thus, he likely feels he is more deserving of large purchases than you are.

 

Lastly, you are inviting trouble by asking him to buy you stuff to test his love. It's a silly game you play and it backfires. Buy yourself the things you want. But wanting a $1,000 handbag just becuase he spend $3,000 on himself is rather childish.

 

I am not sure how rich you folks are, but my H and I are pretty well off and my H would never buy me a $1,000 handbag, and not because we can't afford it. Not that I'd ask him to "buy me" stuff. I'd buy it myself. I don't buy such handbags, because if you wore a $1,000 bag, you'd also need to be dressed from head to toe with garments that are valued in the thousands. Otherwise, if I'm in clothes from Kohl's, that handbag doesn't match the rest and it looks just tacky.

 

My 2 cents. Work on your marriage and communication, and stop playing games. it is clear what you did comes from accumulated resentment.

 

BluEyeL: I liked many of your posts on this forum, but I have to disagree with you on a few points...

 

Sorry I happened to remember some of your earlier threads. It might be true that your husband would never buy you a $1k purse, but I suspect it has more to do with your not valuing a more high-end purse, as opposed to your husband’s unwillingness to spoil you.

 

When you were dating your then boyfriend, did he not offer to give you a $5k cash gift so you could buy a nicer car? Did he not offer to lend you cash to pay off your credit card debt so you could avoid a $200/month interest rate payment? I’m not sure how much interests you ended saving, but I bet it was quite a bit more than $1k, no? That was essentially a large cash gift, again, from a boyfriend who was not even living with you.

 

https://www.loveshack.org/forums/general/general-relationship-discussion/516906-borrowing-money

 

https://www.loveshack.org/forums/general/general-relationship-discussion/537726-first-world-problem

 

I’m not sure how you and your now husband handle your finances. But it’s entirely understandable that couples who get married at a later age (after both have been established financially and who don’t share kids together) would want to maintain separate finances. I myself started dating my bf in my late 30s and I don’t plan to have kids; he’s divorced with twin boys starting college. If we get married, I’d be more than fine keeping our finances separate, even though I’m only making a low 6 figure (and he’s making like 3 times as much, but also with more financial obligations).

 

However, the OP here gave up (or at least set aside) her career to give birth to and raise their joint kids. And you’re telling us it’s “his money vs. her money”? I’m sure there’re still guys who feel this way, but I can’t believe they’re the majority in this time and age.

 

In fact, most divorce laws are consistent with the above, namely, married couples split their assets obtained during the marriage. If such “his money, my money” was right, then MacKenzie Bezos wouldn’t have walked away from her marriage with $37 billion by just raising 4 kids and writing books that are not exactly best sellers.

 

Finally, I’m not sure where you saw the OP playing games. The way I see it, she brought up the fact that her husband often buys stuff for himself and just spent a fortune on some golfing stuff was to give us an idea that he has quite some money to spend on discretionary stuff and he’s not super stingy on that usually.

Edited June 4, 2019 by JuneL

[JuneL]

BluEyeL: If don’t mind my asking this...

 

I remember that you were making a lot more than your first husband. Did you have a lot more say about how to spend your household money then?

 

p.s. It’s puzzling everything has to be about a gender war. Quite a few of my female friends are making quite a bit more compared to their husbands, just like you and your ex-husband.

Edited June 4, 2019 by JuneL

[BluEyeL]

Dear June, maybe i was wrong about my analysis of OPs situation. I do think there are problems in the relationship and she clearly feels undervalued. I believe her when she says H is selfish, spends on himself and treats her as less than. I just felt she does not approach this very maturely, by discussing finances, what bothers her, what should each of them get for free spending etc.

 

Should she come here and formulate the problem in a differnt way, I would likely be answering differently. I also didn't like the "ask him to buy me" thing. I believe it backfired because men hardly ever meet your specifications and by "asking" I felt she put herself in an inferior position from the get go. I"m not on the H's side, I'm just explaining how he likely thinks, i make the money, I deserve this, I work so you can stay home and golf is more important than a purse. Not that I think all of that. I disagree with all of that. I just said, if the guy thinks that way, asking him to buy her an $1,000 purse couldn't have worked out and she should just approach this problem in her marriage differently.

 

But maybe I"m wrong and maybe the fact that I see buying a $1,000 as the stupidest thing I've ever heard of colored my reaction indeed. I"m OK to stand corrected and admit that maybe I was just triggered by her example.

 

To get further into the issue, when the relationship isn't working and the H seems to be an arse for years, going ahead and having 3 kids with him, which basically forces you to stay home and be under his "reign" is not such a great idea. If you want to leave, having 3 kids and not working will trap you and it'll be much more difficult to leave. But too late for that.

 

We can all agree the H is a bad partner and treats her like the help.

 

I like you a lot, but I do not like you bringing up my personal situation, it's not quite fair to do that. We could argue on OP's situation, not attack me as an argument. I know, I said that my H would never buy me a $1000 purse, it was a bad argument because I got triggered by this stupid purse.

 

Yes, my H gave me $5,000 cash to buy the nicer car that he liked, before we got married, and before that, he did offer to help me pay down some debt I had at the time (I didn't take that offer, I paid off my debt on my own by using a budget app and logging every cent I spent, it was a $6,000 debt, at least when I started with the budget app, may have been 10K to start with-so I didn't save anything on interest). He offered, I didn't ask. In the car's case he insisted, because HE wanted that car, I said the monthly payment is above my budget and I"ll get a used sedan. He didn't want me to get a used sedan, so he insisted. I eventually agreed because he wanted that car and was excited about it and it was clear that we will be together so it'll be his car too. To me, a car is just a way to get around and I don't care what car I'm driving as long as it runs. Sure, I like cameras, help me park )

 

My current H and I have joint finances. I buy what I want. I don't ask "him" to buy "me" stuff. I inform him I want something so he can know where the money is going and if he has an objection he can express it, but I make my own purchases. For example I wanted to pay someone a lot of money to make flower beds. He doesn't value that. I just told him I know he doesn't value that but this is what I want. So I got it, I looked for vendors and made all the arrangements and he was just OK with it. We could afford it. And yes, I have a great H, I'm thanking the Unicorn every day.

 

My first H made less than me and we had separate finances. However, we weren't in a position to make frivolous expenses. He was contributing a set amount to the household expenses, then I made all the payments; mortgage, furniture payments (we started from spoon and plate), daycare, food, and I for one was left with nothing. I don't think he was left with much either. Neither one of us bought anything "nice" or "expensive". At that time, a $150 bag would have been expensive. The $30-50 bag once every 3 years was my go to. So that situation can't really make light of this situation.

 

Thank you for not continuing to bring me into the discussion. I agree that I shouldn't have said that my H would never buy me a $1,000 purse, it wasn't a good argument.

[JuneL]

Okay, my apologies for dragging your story into this thread. I guess I’m sometimes too good at spotting holes for my own good

 

Thank you for responding to my questions gracefully.

[heartwhole2]

He doesn't value that. I just told him I know he doesn't value that but this is what I want.

 

This is what I've been saying all along. It doesn't matter if your spouse or all the people reading your post on the internet agree with how you want to spend your money. If it's important to you, then your spouse should honor that. Thank you for reconsidering and clarifying your response.

[BluEyeL]

This is what I've been saying all along. It doesn't matter if your spouse or all the people reading your post on the internet agree with how you want to spend your money. If it's important to you, then your spouse should honor that. Thank you for reconsidering and clarifying your response.

I agree. The only thing I do not agree is asking the husband to do it for you.

 

So since I said that my husband doesn't value flowers and he likely thinks paying someone almost $5000 to make flower beds is stupid, I can go a bit further on that. If instead of saying this is what I want and H grumbling at first and then saying fine if that's what you want... , I was asking him to make it happen, he would have made a project that planted 3 bushes and cost$1,000 and then I would have been unhappy. Because if he didn't see another flower again in his life he would be fine with it.

 

That's where I think asking your H to do something, him doing it wrong because he thinks what you want isn't such a great idea, and you getting upset is a guarantee even with good husbands.

[Gaeta]

Lets keep in mind OP lives in South America, with her traditional South American husband, she probably doesn't even speak the local language and probably doesn't have her own money. The South American mother-in-law lives by and makes the law. OP is in a bad bad situation. Often when people are in a bad-bad situation instead of addressing the REAL issue they will be blind to the bigger picture and fuss on small stuff like a purse.It has not worked asking this man to respect her so she'll ask for something easier, a purse and lets make that purse expensive because only a man that loves his wife would shed 1K on a purse for her.

 

 

 

Last October she was posting her marriage was a nightmare, I doubt it's paradise 8 month later with a history of *years* of unhappiness behind.

 

 

 

By the way OP never comes back to her thread after the initial day she posted.

[heartwhole2]

I agree. The only thing I do not agree is asking the husband to do it for you.

 

So since I said that my husband doesn't value flowers and he likely thinks paying someone almost $5000 to make flower beds is stupid, I can go a bit further on that. If instead of saying this is what I want and H grumbling at first and then saying fine if that's what you want... , I was asking him to make it happen, he would have made a project that planted 3 bushes and cost$1,000 and then I would have been unhappy. Because if he didn't see another flower again in his life he would be fine with it.

 

That's where I think asking your H to do something, him doing it wrong because he thinks what you want isn't such a great idea, and you getting upset is a guarantee even with good husbands.

 

I can definitely relate. Twice in the last year I asked for specific jewelry for a special anniversary, but he didn't order it in time so he bought me something off the cuff that cost twice as much. The first time I accepted the gift in the spirit it was meant, but the second time I said OK, obviously I'm never going to get exactly what I want, so please return this so I can order it myself. But then he missed the return window and I had to exchange it in a store that didn't carry what I want. Actually, having money to blow in a jewelry store turned out not to be so bad after all.

 

And because I feel heard and valued in my marriage, I know that my husband's procrastination and time management issues don't have anything to do with his love for me, so I am able to take it in stride. I'll accept the gift, or I'll ask for it to be returned, or I'll order what I want myself. It's a minor issue for us to work out according to what we value, how we like to show love, etc. I said something along the lines of, "I do enjoy when you surprise me with expensive jewelry, but it also makes me reluctant to spend even more money on the jewelry I've had on my wishlist for a long time. I feel like the jewelry budget has already been spent without my input, and this is 'my thing' that I enjoy researching and dreaming about."